I’m 25. A part of me always suspected something happened to me when I was little, but sexual abuse is not something light to throw around based on a simple suspicion, I convinced myself. The reasons that rooted my suspicion weren’t ones I wanted to share out loud with anyone. They make me feel ashamed, disgusting. I remember needing to envision myself as a prostitute that gave oral sex in order to fall asleep, at 6-8 years old. I remember having hyper-sexual actions when I was 5. I remember my special place that’d I would escape to mentally. I remember the powerlessness and suffocation I felt while envisioning his boots as he dropped me off at daycare. But I don’t remember it. I don’t remember it happening, so I only have the symptoms to base it off of. The larger part of me is thankful that I don’t remember, but a part of me wants to because then I could be valid. Now that I know something happened, every day I cry. I remember things daily, and certain stuff that happened or that I did as I grew up starts to make sense. I feel disgusting, but I loved him. I didn’t know he’d done what he did, and he was my favorite uncle. But even as my favorite uncle, I remember having a deep repulsion towards his touch and attention. I would reproach myself for feeling like that about someone I cared about and who cared about me. I thought I was the problem. Now, I know my intuition and subconscious was warning me.

I don’t know how to cope. How do I process something without the memory and only the symptoms of it? How do I prevent myself from further repressing it? I understand now why I can’t form romantic attachments and why intimate acts have always felt out-of-body. I understand the why, but I need to understand the how. How do I heal from this and become whole? How do I become someone who is capable of love and trust and intimacy? How do I stop crying every day?

I don’t like to think about him. Not in anger or in any way. I rather not think of him altogether, but this is repression, and I know repression doesn’t help the healing process so how do I find the will to put myself through that?

I told my mom about it, and she was supportive, but now I don’t want to talk to her at all. I know that’s all she thinks about when she thinks of me or talks to me. I don’t want to tell my dad. I know he’d support me and believe me, but he’d never see me the same. I used to tell my brother everything. I don’t want to tell anyone. Not my closest friend — no one. I don’t want that to be what everyone thinks about when they think about me. Right now, that’s all I can think about when I think about me. How do I get through this?

Child Abuse and Neglect

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