IM SCARED MY MOM IS GIVING UP

hello everybody with my last journal i posted i got alot of responses thank you to everyone for that. i need some help my mom told my aunt the other day she is tired and ready to leave this earth, what can i do? she told my aunt shes scared to do the chemo. i want to respect her wishes cause she is the one feeling the pain i cant even begin to know what she feeling. but i want to fight for my mom she has had a fever for 3 days and she wont eat anything. but after i read all your replies i had so much so hope. i even been reading on line about alternative things to do. i heard about flax oil in cottage cheese and blue green algae pills. can someone tell me if they have used any of this and have they had sucess? or any other alternative things you can share with me. mw and my family are willing to try anything to keep my mom here. she is just 56 years old she is still young and im only 27 i havent had my mommy around long enough . please if any one can give me advice or just support i need it. im not ready to let her go and im not giving up without a fight i love her to much. thanks monica

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I am not sure what to say but that alternative medicine really isn't the best way to live longer with any type of cancer. I kinda know how you feel about your mother giving up. My Dad who has stage 3b can be pessimistic about his future. Maybe her oncologist could speak to her about Chemo and how "these days" the side effects aren't as severe as they used to be. Also the nausea medications they give during chemo can make the experience better. Its so frusterating but in the end it is her choice. 56 is young. My Dad is 57 and I am 28. Sometimes I feel I can't talk as frank as I would like to on here. I hope I don't offend anyone by what I said by alt. therapies.

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Monica,
I totally understand what your feeling, my mom died in 2001, after a long battle, and my heart still aches.

BUTT, I have been battling NSCC since 2005. Please understand, the pain, be it from treatments, side effects and/or feeling beaten, is one of the most indescribable and little understood feelings any one of us experiences, EVER, I hope.

I recently posted my feelings of frustrating and on going pain from this horrible disease with no end in sight, yet! Please, read some of the responses, you may feel comfort from those of us like your mom. I hope, you never feel anything like what your mom is going through, butt, if you could you might be able to understand and respect her feelings and decisions better.

If I were you I wouldn't willingly leave her side. My heart goes out to you and your mom.

Rj.

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Monica, It is up to your mom if she ultimately doesnt want to do chemo, but my mom was dxed with stage iv nsclc- she had her 4th chemo 3 weeks ago today.She has worked 4 days a week thru all of it , except for chemo days and dr. appts.She is pretty amazing, thats true, but they have really come a long way with meds for nausea etc. My mom is extremely fatigued right now but thats normal.Your mom is my age. I really hope she chooses to fight. As far as alt. medicines we were going to try flax hull lignans but the dr. didnt want her to during chemo. Take care----Pam

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The picture I posted is of me and my mother last Thanksgiving day. My mom had the sugery that removed her right lung and a portion of a few ribs. After that she continued her treatment with Chemo Then radiation. Then after they told her that they found more cancer spots she decided she could not go through it again. My mother struggled with alot of pain and she really suffered. She told me she was dreaming of her own mother who had passed when she was 12 yrs old. Then she had more dreams of her sister who had also passed many yrs ago. It was very painful and I can relate to you. Its so hard to let them give up. I was helpless. I was angry with her for not eating better or trying to help her self get better. I was 32 and my mom was 55. It sucks. We are much to young to loose our parents.I really dont know the right encouragement to give you for your mother but I can share what happened with me. I think knowing she was at peace with her life and she was ready to see those people she had been missing helped me let go some but at times I was still mad. I was not ready yet.
I dont know much about alternate medicines either so I cant help you there. If you need to talk you can email me anytime. bonniejuneau@yahoo.com
Take care of you and your mom. I will be praying for you>

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Monica,
I am sorry for what you and your mom are going through. As other posters have said - the chemo treatments may not be as bad as she thinks. My Dad is handling them well with minimal bad effects. Also, once the chemo kicks in she may start feeling a little better and be easier for her to have some hope. I am not against alternative treatment, but we have decided to go the conventional route first. I wish you peace and success whatever your choose.
Maria

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Monicia,
i am so sorry for what you are going through,my mom has sclc,she just finished her 3rd chemo treatment today,she is done with radiation,she has one more tchemo treatment her tumor has shrunk 90% ,believe me i know it is so hard so see your mom suffer it is the most horrible thing to do is watch them suffer in pain like this i hate it ,so much it hurts so bad ,but you have to be strong even as hard as it is and i know just how hard it is,i m going through it know my mom has had her ups and downs with the radiation and the chemo ,one day she says she isnt doing it anymore (on bad days) and her she is just finished another round ,but you know if my mom would decide to say i had enough im done and mean it i would be so upset ,but i would stand by her on her decision to stop. i will keep your mom and your family in my prayers .if ya wanna talk im here, take care lorie

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Everyone reacts differently to the chemo. My mom is handling it better than my dad. But my dad had radiation before his chemo began. My advice... Tell your Mom that she really should do the chemo. Why? Alternative treatments are not proven. Go conventional. If one regiment does not work, there are more that can be tried.

Kristi

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Dear Monica,

My heart goes out to you. Losing a parent at such a young age is scary and extremely emotional. I hope your mother reconsiders and tries chemotherapy. My mom, who's at retirement age and on Navelbine (prior to that she was on Xyotax/carboplatin), has been eager to receive chemotherapy. Yes, it does scare her, but she has made a choice to fight her cancer. For now, your mother seems to have also made a choice. She may later change her mind.

At 20, I lost my father to heart disease. He was only 50. Now my mom, in her mid-60s, has been diagnosed with stage IV non-small lung cancer. I'm scared that my sister and I will lose her, too. We have no children, although I do want to have a child. I wish I could have given my mother a grandchild, and the realization that she may never become a grandmother pains me.

Through it all, however, I've managed to find some sort of peace. Not a lot, but enough nonetheless. What's helped me get through these difficult times? Spirituality. Call it religion, if you want, though I wouldn't describe myself as very religious. There are matters that are beyond our control, and to fight that inevitability, to deny it, will only make life feel like one big confrontation instead of an opportunity to grow as a human being. And that's no fun. Believe me.

I think, Monica, you can gain something from this experience. But something tells me that, in the back of your mind, you already know this. Nevertheless, I do understand the frustration in your message. There was a time when I did try to fight what I could not control. What do I do? What should I have done? I was very angry with God when my father died. My father didn't even get to see me graduate from college. For the next 10 years, I shut myself down. Today, in my mid-30s, after counseling and finally grieving the loss of my father, I've come to terms with what is happening to my mother. In a nutshell, it comes down to this: I let go. Mourn. Live every moment I can with her, mentally and physically. I connect with her. And then I allow what happens to happen. Whether it involves your helping your mom get chemotherapy or her choosing not to seek mainstream medicine, stand by her, Monica. Do what you can do. In the end, only your mom can choose her own path in life. You can only convince and persuade her, but you can't force her. Yes, the path she wishes to take will also be hard on you (and certainly on her, too), but please remember that whatever happens, as you hold your mother's hand and constantly let her know how much you love her, you will get through this.

And you will be stronger for it.

I advise that you, and maybe even your mother, read THE JOURNEY THROUGH CANCER: HEALING AND TRANSFORMING THE WHOLE PERSON by Jeremy Geffen, who is an oncologist. Check it out at your local library; read it to your mom, if you want. It's a start. The author does talk about alternative therapies, and his words may help to ease your mother's preconceptions about chemotherapy.

Yours truly,
Cheryl

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There are many alternatives that are possible. I have stage 4B with lung mets and take low dose Naltrexone , Artemisinin and Paw paw...

LOw dose naltrexone is my main therapy and to "uncloak" the cancer I add the others. Working very well as been on LDN since Feb. 12, 2007 ( told only 4- 9 months) and now 18 months and still fine.

See calcifications on the lung mets now and no further spread.

If you need further information, I have all the details and scientific papers to send you.

Alternatives do work.
Dee
http://www.ldn4cancer.com

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Dee - have you had conventional treatments as well?

Sylvia

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Your mom is clearly depressed and scared. You need to let her know that her fears may be unfounded. I went through chemo and because of agressive anti nausea treatment I had only one bout of nausea that stopped me in my tracks. That was three years ago and here I am. I was age 53 at diagnosis AND my diagnosis was stage IV. My oncologist did not then and does not now promise me a cure. Yet here I am. I have a great quality of life. Only your mom knows what is right for her but challenge her to see if she has all the information she really needs to make a decision. Maybe she should just give chemo a chance. If it turns out to be too grueling she can quit it then.

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Wow. It's so hard to find the words to share. I'm sure this seems unbearable for you. Here is my thought...a friend told me when I was first diagnosed to think in terms of gratitude. I try to do that when I'm being pulled in the other direction. I'm sure you have many blessings and it sounds like you have a very loving relationship with your mom, who has raised you into a strong, loving woman. For that, you are very fortunate. Maybe looking at this from another angle could help?

You and your mom are in my prayers.

--Stephanie

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HI Monica,

My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 nsclc w/a tumor in her brain. She is 54, and I am 27 so I understand as well where you are coming from. My mom was devestated at first consistently, but now she just has what I call "days". Today,for instance she is crying continuously and cannot even deal with being alive. It is extremely frustrating, but at the same time I am not in her shoes and cannot even possibly know what she is going through. I often call from work, and have used most of my sick time just so she won't be alone. It is so difficult to watch our parents go through something like this. Let me know if you need to talk!

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My heart really goes out to you. I am the one with stage 4 nsclc and I am 53 years old with a 23 year old daughter whose father died before she was born. Every time I think about giving up, I think about how much my daughter still needs me but I know that at some point I will get to the place where my need to stop the pain will overcome my need to stay here for my daughter. Speaking from the mother's point of view, all I can say is that you have to assume that your mother is doing absolutely everything she can to be there for you and when she makes the final decision (and I truly believe there will be many false starts along the way), it will be because she really cannot take it anymore and needs to let go. At some point (and I cannot judge when that point will come, she may need your permission for her to let go). But everything I've said really depends on the circumstances. I just went through a bout of horrendous (to me) pain which is likely nerve pain and I don't know how much more of it I could have taken but having hung on, I was able to get the medication I needed to end the pain. So there's that balance between encouragement when encouragement makes sense and a sad but accepting goodbye when there's nothing left to you. My thoughts are with you and with my own daughter. Life is not fair but you are both, I think, strong enough to get through.

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If it were me...

I would tell her you will give her your acceptance of her decision...after she has at least read thru some of the things that you have read that give you hope.

It doesn't seem quite fair to those who have spent their lives loving her to be in the position to have to sort through her unwillingness if she hasn't at least tried to see things from a different perspective. But, life isn't fair...so it's still, HER choice. My hope for you all is that your time together is focused on good stuff...not this stupid cancer.

Chemo was not a fun thing for my mom. But it wasn't the worst thing either.
Hugs to you,
Lisa

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Monica,

As i was reading your entry, I realized that I am almost 100% in your same situation. My father is 58 and I'm 26. He's starting to slip away and even the doctors are starting to get panicked because they are running out of options for him. It's a terrible and saddening experience that no one should have to go through.

i think that one thing that's helps me get through my days is that even though i'm 26 years old, i've had so much time with him. I've learned so much from him. and biologically speaking, i'm HALF of him. Another thing that i focus on is on God. Only God knows when we're going to go. He wouldn't take us away from this world without us accomplishing what HE wanted us to do on this earth.

I can totally understand your situation and know that it's taking a toll on you. Be with your mom. Talk to her..have her tell her childhood stories.. funny stories.. anything to make you know her even more than you do now... make her know that you love her. Make her know that she raised a daughter to the best of her ability and that it paid off. Great satisfaction comes from this. Trust me.

Cherish those moments with her and know that no matter what, she's inside of you..that her love and goodness already exists within yourself.

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Don't give up........I am taking Low dose Naltrexone and have heard it works for others. chemo suppresses the immunity,ldn boosts it and you're better able to fight many diseases supposedly. Good luck. if your dr wont prescribe find another dr.
x

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HELLO EVERYBODY I DONT KNOW WHAT HAS TAKEN ME SO LONG TO POST A JOURNAL BUT IM HERE NOW TO TELL EVERYONE THAT HAS SUPPORTED ME AND GIVEN ME GREAT ADVICE THAT MY MOM HAS PASSED AWAY. ONLY AFTER THREE MONTHS OF BEING DIAGNOSED I DONT HAVE MY MOMMY ANY MORE. I THINK AFTER IT HAPPENED I JUST BEGAN SLIPPING AWAY I ALWAYS WANT TO BE ALONE I DONT WANT TO BE BOTHERED I REALLY DONT TALK MUCH AT WORK TO ANYONE. I JUST REALLY DONT KNOW HOW I FEEL. SHE PASSED ON AUGUST 2ND AND I HAVE BEEN A MESS. I LOVE HER AND MISS HER SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS. MY 3 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER ASKS WHEN WE ARE GONNA SEE HER. I TRIED MY BEST TO EXPLAIN TO HER WHERE SHE IS AND WE WILL SEE HER ONE DAY. MY DAUGHTER IS THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS ME GOING. I WANT TO BE IN GOOD HEALTH AND DO WHAT EVER I CAN TO BE AROUND FOR HER FOR A LONG TIME. I NEVER WANT HER TO FEEL THE PAIN I AM RIGHT NOW CAUSE I LOST MY MOM AT AN EARLY AGE. THANK YOU EVERYBODY FOR LISTENING TO ME .

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I'm so sorry Princess, I asked my husband, who lost his mum to cancer very quickly, how he coped he said It gets easier to cope with such a profound loss with time and that it helped to talk and not shut himself away too much, standard advise I know.......I don't have a relationship with my mother anymore, unfortunately we fell out a while ago, I've tried, unsuccessfully, for 4 yrs to have a child. You can only feel so low for so long before you have to come up! Take care of yourself sweetheart.

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