divorce is coming up on the 24th

I was 47 when I had my prostate removed, I did not handle the following feelings well. I was angry. I took it out on my wife and kids. That was 5 years + ago and now the wife doesn't want me, the girls 16 18, don't talk to me and life is hard.

I have good friends in my life and work hard as a tree man. My depression has grown as my house is on the market, and my family will soon be no more.

All I can say is men, talk with your family about your feelings and don't bottle them up and turn to the bottle to ease your loss.

foundman.

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31 replies. Join the discussion

Sincerely sorry you're caught up in this tough development. It's happened to me a couple of times, and the emptiness fades with time, and just had to pick up the pieces and try to adjust. Don't want to make light of it, but now that I've been happily married for over 30 yrs., I tell myself you just keep trying until you get it right. Hard to find any humor when it happens, but I joke now that 40 or so yrs. ago when it happened to me the last time, all she left me was a 72 Maverick and a Weed-Eater.

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Its not too late make amends.
We all have our "demons". God forgives.

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foundman,
What oldsarge doesn't understand is your divorce is different than his were. It was caused by your loss of life quality, not disagreements.

I've seen divorce after prostate cancer twice, and I went through a time when ED was an issue, after treatment. We all say sex isn't that important when we are facing the prospect of death. However, when the time comes and ED is an issue it is huge, loss of intimacy is overwhelming, all men recoil and are angry. They lose a sense of manhood. And we women feel left out in the cold.

i think people need to see a counselor, someone who has been taught how to deal with these things. Just talking with your wife won't do it, there are things that you just cannot say, anger feels like the only remedy. You were so young when your gland was removed, and I read everyday men saying they just want to get it over with, when removing the gland might be the start of worse problems.

Much good luck to you, I hope you can work it out.

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starr15

If you look closely at foundman's post you might see he has made himself at peace. He is looking for acceptance of his amends
from his family. He said he was "angry" when diagnosed and treated. He took it out those closest to him, perhaps in a mis-
guided effort to punish himself. That isn't really important. What is important is that his family was hurt by his anger. They are
showing this hurt now by being angry at him. God never withholds forgiveness. People withhold forgiveness. God's forgiveness
is automatic and never ending. Human forgiveness is hesitant and conditional, at best. At worst it is combative and confrontational,
it becomes a way to "get even"

foundman's walk down gods path of free will sounds like it was not a pleasant one for him or those near and dear to him.

Like Winston Churchill ( and Old Sarge ) said "When your going through hell, don't stop"

kapm

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Sorry you are in this whirlpool.... The first six months are the hardest !! BUT the world is full of good and understanding woman!! During Father's Day at a fund raiser for PCa research we ran into a widow whose husband died at 45 from PCa as he did not get the prostrate out on time and it was an aggressive type of PCa.

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Found man,
First let me say that I am really not qualified to tell you how to live your life, but I have felt what you are going through now and was touched by you actions in spite of your own personal situation. I hope I do not offend, as it is not my intention.

Those are words of wisdom which you share and hopefully some might benefit from them. It says a lot about who you really are underneath the guilt and hurt of how you handled the situation. Here you are trying to keep others from going through the hurt and loneliness you must be feeling right now. I have been in your position twice in my life, left with nothing but the clothes on some hangers, and a bag full of hurt. The reasons for my marriage breakups were for other reasons
( marriage infidelity by both wives) I guess I worked too much and didn't pay as much attention at home as I should have. Regardless, the pain, loneliness and feeling of loss of self worth was something I would not look forward to experiencing again.

What you do now, when you are feeling the worst might determine how your life will be for the rest if your days. Do not spend your time chasing a dream that by the sound of things has ended. I think it took your wife and children 5 years before they gave up on the family aspects. First be glad that you beat your cancer. Second, it is time to regroup and trying to identify what changes need to be made in your life that would allow you to move forward and feel good about yourself. We all make mistakes in life some are some some are really huge, but we are human and humans are not perfect. Three, sometimes you have to forgive yourself first before asking
others to forgive you. It won't be easy but you need to try and get your life back together. Actions always speak louder than words .
Change the things you can and learn to cope with what you cannot change. For every missed opportunity in life there are many more waiting around the corner. You must be willing however, to make it a goal. Many millionaires fail miserable over and over again before they finally find the key to success a a great life. The reason
They finally succeed is they never stop trying!

Update: married and divorced twice lived in misery for many months, finally found a compassionate, intelligent woman whomi could really talk too. She helped me make sense if it all. We lived together for eight years, sharing everything from money, to goals, dreams and most of all love. We married on November
30, 1985 and it was the happiest day of my life. Since that time we have worked together to build our dream life.
Remember I had nothing, including no rich parents or uncles , what we accomplished we did on our own. Today we have many homes, both professionals and love each other now, probably even more than the day we met.
Foundman, please lock your demons in a big black sack and then forgive yourself and go and complete your dream life, it is out there if you really want it. I am not unique, I am one of thousands of people who are survivors that go on to live a wonderful life.
I wish you the very best as you strive to turn a bad situation into something really positive.
Toscana

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Well said Toscana! Thanks for sharing what must have been very painful times. Sounds like you grieved and managed to suck
it up and move forward- no matter how painful and dark that must have been. Great pain can lead us all to a greater future.

Hang in there foundman, you have lots of people here who are pulling for you.

kapm

PS good to hear from you Toscana, everything is going well?

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Yes Kapm,

All is well, I am entering into my third month of brachytherapy and so far the symptoms have been relatively mild. Dealing this week with the second blood clot in my leg since September of last year. The first was a Deep Vein Thrombosis this latest one is only a surface fan clot but my cardiologist wants to treat as a potential DVT so back on daily self injections of blood thinning meds and oral Watson tabs till they thin out the blood enough to dissolve the clot. On the ED front I have been blessed as I am still functioning without the aid of any meds. It was however a bit scary the first three or four ejaculations as it was all blood and semen mixture. Now I am clear and having good strong ejaculations just as before. My doctor does not believe in monitoring the PSA level until the 6 month to give the seeds the time to work their magic. The first of November I will be going in for my first PSA test post implant. Hoping to hear some good numbers, and if not then we will have to switch strategies and hit it from another direction. Spending the weekend at our Condo on a lake in Southern NH, it warm, clear and very peaceful. It is a great place to recharge my batteries every weekend during the summer.
How are things with you? Good I hope. You were one of the very first people that responded to my first post on this sight and you helped make my journey a lot easier. You also post frequently to help others on this sight and that makes you a good role model. This is why I am posting and will continue to post even after my journey ends. I feel like you in order to feel the full glory of life you must always
Be paying it forward. I will look forward to reading manyore of your comments
Stay healthy my brother and God Bless.

Toscana

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A very bad start to a beautiful Sunday. Church was a blessing. I felt the Holy Spirit wrap this wretched soul in His arms and gently lift the darkness away. It was so wonderful to feel the unconditional love of God. I was couldn't stop tearing up, but these were tears of joy knowing that i was in the presence of a loving God. I still do not understand what was going on yesterday, to those who have faith you may have had such an experience, i was in God's Grace. I will not upset those who are not of my way of thinking. This site is for all men and women who have had prostate cancer kick down the door and ransack their life. Enough to say i had a moment that left me feeling hope for the first time in a long time.

Thank you all who posted in my support. Bless you and you stay well

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Hi Toscana, i just want to say that Kapm has been a great support to me as well. This forum has been a great lifeline for me. We are all different but share a goodness to help those who are going to walk the walk. Found man.

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Toscana,

Wonderful to hear from you. It's like getting my batteries recharged. Your posts are always frank, honest and positive. You
have always dealt with this big question mark of PCa in a straight forward way. We have all learned something from you. So
do keep posting.

Depending on upcoming numbers, do you have a plan B, or will you cross that bridge when you come to it? I'm asking because
it sounds like you have given this some thought.

NH sounds lush, green and heavenly. Nebraska is in the grips of one of its hottest and ( more importantly ) driest summers in
decades. Most farms do have crop insurance ( now why can't cancer victims get the same? ) so they will be ok- this from a tea
party state that complains of too much govt. Meat ranchers are in for trouble with the cost of feed going up. Some are rushing
cattle to market early. If you have a good freezer stock up now. I have watched my green lawn turn an unhealthy brown. When
I walk my dog on it, it "crunches" underfoot. Some younger trees are going into shock and turning brown. Many gardeners
are saying their plants are not producing fruit/veggies. I really fear when the rains do come, as they will, the water will "seal"
the top layer of soil and the water won't be able to soak down. We had bad floods last year ( due to up stream run off ) don't
need floods after drought.

Odd question came to mind and I have never been able to say no to an odd question. Do you ( your seeds ) set off alarms at the airport?

Sounds like recovery is going well and you are both enjoying and thankful. The aftermath of bloody ejaculate is scary. Doc had
warned me, but I was not prepared. Last thing on my mind was what the doctor had said, I was having other thoughts.

We must encourage foundman not to give up hope and to keep trudging this crazy path. Your sharing your story was thoughtful
encouragement.

kapm
PS thank you for your kind words.
PSS any suggestions for restaurants (med$) in Chicago?

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Dear Foundman,
I was so happy to see your post in regards to your faith on Sunday and how it moved you. Every man or woman has to find his own way to help him through the darkness. For many it "is" believing in the Lord Jesus Christ and God. The religious beliefs of all faiths have helped guide mankind through many horrific events
since the beginning of time. We all have to believe and when we stop believing that is when we lose our way. I am truly happy for you and hope that your belief in your faith will give you the strength to get through this painful time and help show you the way to a peaceful, productive life for many years to come. One of my personal favorite passages from the bible is a very popular blessing which I am sure is bestowed upon you now and in the future.

"The Lord bless you and keep you--the Lord make His face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace." Numb. 6:24-26.

Be in peace my brother,

Toscana

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Foundman,
Sorry not to have responded earlier, I was "off the net" for a couple of weeks.
Read some supportive posts from some understanding people; bless them for taking the time to post their comments. We should all be encouraged by the peace you found at worship service. You have certainly expressed your frustration with the lack of understanding in your family that is so persuasive in our nation today.
Be careful with all of the ill effects of divorce. It is a loss and you will no doubt be vulnerable to grief. Be alert to those former special days and try not to buy into the guilt once your decision is final. Best of fortune with your future…
Remember that the grace of God is always with you.
PeteG

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Hey Kapm,

I don't really have a plan "B" in place yet as I am pretty confident that I will be in a good place come November. If and when I find that I have more problems than it will be up to me and my team to decide where we went wrong and determine the next course of action. I have always known that if some cancer escaped to an adjacent organ that I could follow up with external beam radiation treatments that would cast a wider net. There is also hormone therapy and other treatments that could help.

In regards to the heat, out in the mid-west and beyond, I have been following the temps on my I Phone 4S as I have friends in Albuquerque, NM and Phoenix AZ as well as a winter condo in Tucson, AZ myself. Tucson is always hot in the summer months but this year has been incredibly hot averaging around 105 degrees this week. "Ah beef", and how I love a good cut of well processed beef. My wife tends to lean more to the vegetarian foods but when get out to Tucson the first dinner she looks forward to is some good mid western beef. Most of the stuff we get here on the East Coast in super markets comes out of the Chicago packing pants where the beef is slaughtered and is still warm when they seal it up in those kryovac sacs. It usually ends up tasting like liver because it has been sitting in a pool of blood during the trip to your local super market. We do have a processing plant in NH that hangs and dry ages the beef so it tastes like the good beef I use to have when I was a young boy. We do have other specialty meat houses but then they charge very high premiums for their products. I can go to Kroger's Market in Tucson and get a fine tasting steak. We could have another whole discussion on what we have done to our food supply this country. Bigger is not always better in my opinion. I long for the days when you use to get your milk in a bottle delivered by the milkman, the Cushman bakery man use to come by the house with fresh baked goods. Every farmer had a stand with fresh vegetables during the season. Now we irradiate, inject, cross contaminate and do many other unhealthy things to our food supply. I wouldn't be surprised at all if some of the cancer in our bodies comes from the processing of the foods we eat.

Seeds and alarms at the airport ? Well they gave me a letter saying that I had seeds implanted and told me I must carry it with me on all flights, so if something does go off they will not think I am a member of Alcaida. So far though I haven't had to fly anywhere at least not until I get through this cancer and the DVT's in my legs. We were out in Tucson in Feb and having been staying local since. Usually in the spring we take three weeks and go to Italy but I don't think I would want to be overseas away from my medical team just yet. We will plan to fly back to AZ this November for a couple of weeks. In the mean time we hop back and forth between our home in MA and NH and on Martha's Vineyard. I hope to finally retire next spring and then we will plan to take an extended trip to "Anghiari" Tuscany our beloved ancient walled city.(As pictured above, this is the view from our condo back balcony where I BBQ and sit with a nice glass of Vino Rosso!!!

Chicago? Unfortunately, it has been quite awhile since I flew into the" Windy City" The last time I was there was when they were building the new ball field. A friend of mine flew us in his Bonanza 5 seat aircraft from MA right into Chicago O'hare along side all the Jumbo Jets. We went to see the old Wriggly Field and we stayed in Rosemont Il just outside Chicago. There was a wonderful Italian restaurant called Carlucci's in Rosemont . I think it has been there for about 26 years. McCormick and Schmick's Seafood and Steak downtown Chicago in the loop close to the theater district. Expensive but delicious and a nice variety from steaks, seafood and pasta. There also used to be a down and dirty seafood restaurant on the river called Dirty Larry's or Harry's or something like that , where they serve great seafood. It was cheap and the waiters had a touch of attitude that lent to the fun atmosphere. The draft beers flow and its nothing fancy, they give you a roll of paper towels for napkins. I tried looking it up on the internet but couldn't find it so it might have closed or I have the wrong name.

Keep up the good fight, and remember, Enjoy life because this is not a dress rehearsal, this is the real deal.........

I await your next post with eager anticipation.

PS: It is so much nicer using my lap top for a change. My phone automatically changes words that it thinks I want to use :)

Toscana (Chef Lorenzo)
.

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The moment i had in church was Grace. I have been trying so hard to get past the cancer, the loss of self esteem, the loss of a love from my family which was beautiful and true. God gave me a 2 hours of Grace. As I spoke to the Pastor yesterday God is always with me. Thank you to those who have stood beside me in my trials. May God Bless you. Jamey.

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Jamey,

That 2 hours of grace you felt in church was always in you. Please let that grace flow through you all the time. Be blessed and
thankful for all that you have, not what you don't have. Remember that positive. While life is not always easy, we are not here to suffer through it. We are here to celebrate it and enjoy it. Live in the here and now that god has given us, not the past or the future.

You are making progress.

kapm

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Thank you Kapm, i have never felt so loved and at peace.
This Sunday i am to be baptized in the church. The church was founded in 1854
and I feel that the angels that were with the Holy Ghost were a gift from God.
The path is there for me to follow, i pray for God's continued Grace, what i felt
as my Pastor told me was a miracle. I will cherish it forever. You are a good friend,
thank you for being there.

Jamey

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PCa in 1966, Radiation and Thermal Therapy took what dignity I had . My wife diagnosed with Breast Cancer in 2001 and died in 2003. I have had to learn to deal with: no partner, no love --nothing is normal All these years, I guess am lucky to be alive .I take Blood thinners for Atrial Fibrillation and Atrial Flutter.I live from PSA to PSA

There are times I wish God would enfold me in his arms and take me away.


When I think about the future, it becomes a little depressing When Ladies find out what I have, they are not interested.

I am still working hard because it gives me some credibilty but if these are the "Golden Years", they suck

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I sorry, you are hurt and hurting. God gave me
his Grace that last Sunday. I want that. Someone to care unconditionally
for me, to love me for who I am. God has given me some peace. But all
in all, life is hard. God can help if you let Him. I feel your pain. Keep
fighting the fight. Bless you. Foundman.

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This is truly a blessed site. Thank you to those that created this electronic support group. As I read the Old Sarge, Toscana and other comments it feels like family. My heart bleeds for Huggabugga and Foundman and the support from this group can be nothing but a blessing. I experienced Divorce after 46 years. of marriage. As a single man with PC i very quickly discovered that women who found this a problem were not worth my time, but I did find many good women who accepted "me for me". In fact I married a beautiful understanding blonde. We celebrate our second anniversary this month. Life is beautiful. Many people do not understand the full IMPACT that cancer has on an individuals life. and the enormous adjustments required. Two pet peeves, 1) Doctors talk about sex in a black and white issue when in reality sex will never be the same. 2) I am not a CANCER SURVIVOR those are cancer victims who are home free, cured and no more treatments, I am a CANCER FIGHTER, always in one treatment or another for over 18 years, constantly looking for the next treatment . I am now making application to go on a trial program. My zytega has quit working after a good 14 months. PSA has been going up 3 to 4 points a month and now sits at 20. As I learn more about my trail I will post the results. May alll of you find peace in your life.

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