Entire person has changed......?

I've heard of chemo brain. I've heard of fog brain. After 4 years of being on and off of chemo and hasn't stopped in the last year. I don't know who my Mom is anymore. She has completely changed. She is so short tempered and it's her way only. Can't even talk her into anything. Yet if you met her tomorrow you would tell me she is the sweetest person alive. I'm sick and tired of her telling me she is fine. I'm sick and tired of denying her symptoms or being in denial. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want her to wake up and realize we don't have that much time left together and I want her to be the old Mom I love and remember. I hate what this disease has stolen from her, our family and my life. I hate cancer....I hate it....hate it....hate it.
If I could kick it's ass I would......

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Sounds like your Mom is super scared and taking it out on you....because she can. She feels safe around you, but her anger is tearing you apart. :( Have you tried to talk to her about this in detail? Like...telling her....I wish we could relish every moment we have.....? It might just sink into her heart and get her to see what pain you are in. The reason I am saying this is because, sometimes, when I feel scared/angry about the cancer, I am short with my oldest daughter, who really is my BEST FRIEND in the world. Then, she says: Momma, I know you are scared and feel helpless, but we are best friends, and we need to be kind to one another as much as we can, and cherish every second we have. And that just hits me on the head and sinks deep into my heart and I pull myself together and am able to stop doing that. This is such a crappy disease....it fills people with so many emotions. I hope you can work things out with your Mom. Prayers for you both. Robin

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If I could come thru this computer and hug you I would. I sit here
Crying for you and myself as I have 2 Daughters that I am trying
To shelter from this horrible decease. That is what Mothers do.
Be patient with her because she is scared to leave you. I am
Ending now to go call my girls and tell them how proud and how
Much I love them.

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I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It's sad, but cancer changes everyone. It drains the person who has it and the people who care for the person who has it. Try to be accepting with who she is now. Sometimes the person wants denial because that is the best way they can cope. Sometimes they have unreasonable demands. It's a way they can control their environment or what happens to them in a scary uncontrollable disease. I wish you the best and hope you can get some peace with everything.

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Thank you for sharing your heart.
Cancer affects everyone differently so we all react differently. Your momma has been on Chemo a long time. I took six treatment and was over whelmed with the side effects. It is hard on our body and our minds.
It sure sounds like your momma is scared and taking it out on you but I'm sure she doesn't realize the sadness she is causing you.
I have three daughter and respect each one dearly, I love when they take time to tell me their hearts. We hold hands and we pray together asking God to give us strength, kindness and peace to get us through the journey our family is walking on.
I am saying a prayer for both of you right now.

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I have been the trustee for a chronically ill friend for many years, and in his illness he also has become a demanding short-tempered person. I can see how it can happen. When you're sick you just feel so lousy all the time. I keep reminding myself never to let that happen to me. I keep reminding myself that often what people remember most vividly about a person is what they were like in the most recent years, the ones before they died. I want my family to remember that I love them and to remember me as a kind and loving person.

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If you really feel she's gone through a personality change, I would sure mention it to the doctor. Is she using an antidepressant? A friend of mine became incredibly hostile toward everyone on Effexor, for what that's worth. Maybe it's just the pressure of having the disease, but it wouldn't hurt to ask the doctor if there's a fixable medical reason for it.

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I noticed that certain meds made me cranky. And short tempered.
Ask me a question? Snap the answer. lol. Had to work hard on that one as there are two of us living in this household. lol

Perhaps your mother is as I am. Ovca is on my mind 24/7. It has begun crawling into my dream life which makes for really depressing dreams. It fills my calendar with appts for bloods, scans, chemo, etc. If you think you are sick and tired of it, imagine how your mother feels about it. I can guarantee that she, too, is damn sick and tired of it. Sick of the appts. Sick of the disappointments. Sick of blood draws, chemos, scans, and more chemo. Plain sick of it.

And sometimes, I just get sick and tired of talking about it. I respond lightly to questions but finally had to tell my own mother that I did not wish to discuss with her every blood test, every scan, every visit to the Onc. I just don't want to hash over it in every conversation.

If your mother wishes to deny her symptoms but is still cooperating with her oncologist, then she has a right to not discuss it. I figure in my case, this is my body and my disease, and it is not my mother's. I don't have to tell her everything. If I want to enjoy today because TODAY is a good day, well, then I will. I don't want it raining on my TODAY, so to speak.

I recognize that while I feel decent today, my lymph node involvement may progress to who knows what within a couple months, or 6 months, or 9, or a year. Who knows. So I have to get my mind out of the ovca mudpit and get it on to other things. That's how I maintain my sanity and my ability to enjoy the day in front of me.

I'm not certain that answers any of your frustration. It's good that you love your mom, but sometimes you just gotta back off and let her live her own life. I say that in a loving and hopefully, gentle way and I say it on the premise that she is capable of dealing with her care and treatment without assistance.

Again...some meds made me extremely short-tempered and snappy. Benedryl as a pre-med was one of them. Cutting the dosage in half was helpful that time.

Bless you. Keep loving your mom.

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Thank you for the courageous openness you came up with! Yes cancer changes everyone and affects the whole family. I am a cancer survivor and try to find joy in every day, but I have only been battling since 7/10. Is your Mom in remission? I hope for many years but have that deep down fear going on too.

Yes i saw a complete change with my Mother also. She was diagnosed stage 4 lung cancer. My Father shot himself to death and I brought Mom home to take care of in our home. While living 60 yrs with my alcoholic Dad she was ornery, selfish, and a back biter.
When i brought her home to die she never ever complained one day, smiled all the time and it was an honor to be there for her. So I guess it can go either way.

I have found in life people don't really change around me. They are who they are. I knew the change had to come within me. I found a
new pair of glasses and accepted people, places and things to keep my serenity. I also see a therapist that helps me deal with the fear of knowing any day this awful disease can rear it's ugly head. Maybe a therapist for the family would help too.

Blessings,

Marty

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Once again - I second everything Marty said above - yes - i'm seeing a therapist too and it does help.

Nat

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Dear Bluebird77,

Your post was so much raw emotion from your heart. Thank you for sharing it here. It helped remind me (living with my daughter and her family) that it's hard on them too.

Teal Hugs,
Happy Turtle

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Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. Over the summer my Mom was in denial about taking an antidepressant. After numerous fights she started taking Lexapro again and thank God that helps. She also refuses psychiatric help or support groups. I even forwarded her this site. She said she read some stories after I asked her if she looked at it and that was it. I'm learning to just be passive with her. She is very old fashioned and set in her ways. She is extremely religious too which makes me mad because I feel if God has given you this.....why not share and help who you can. So I guess it is left to me to share.

Life is funny. As I get older I look at it as nothing more than a waiting game.
We wait for the appointment.
We wait for the phone call.
We wait for the results.
We wait for the doctor to walk in the room.
We wait for the right nurse who puts the IV in better than the other one.
We wait for the results to be posted on the web site.
We wait to see what the technicians saw on the cat scan.
We wait to see how long we can go without recurrence.
We wait to see how we feel on this drug.
We wait to see the side effects.
We wait for the drugs to kick in.

So I'm learning to enjoy the minutes in between..... :)

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As others have said, I am so sorry for what you are going though with your Mom. After fighting cancer for 6 years, breast and ovarian, I can attest that it does change a person in almost every way. As others have said, pain, side-effects of treatment, depression, etc. can make a person less than easy to get along with. I recognize it in myself and try to combat it with my family. I can tell my family when I am "on a short-fuse" and to please be kind and patient with me. On some really bad days, I just withdraw and am best if left alone. Fortunately, there are still plenty of times that I can laugh and have fun with them, too. Hang in there with your mom. Some day you will look back on your time with her and be glad that you did what you could for your mom.

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hi ,
i know precisely what you are going through as i am in the sae situation as yours..................
just do your best ,try to make her happy as much you can..................
we will do our best....and we will fight with this and dont worry.............
sometimes you will feel that why this thing has happened to us......what could have been..if this would have been there...............
but go strongly and kick out this disease ........

with due regards
harit

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Please try to see someone about this - our local cancer center has free support for family members. I have 5 daughters that were 11 to 20 when I was diagnosed. This counseling was indispensable for them. I too have changed and I am working hard to find my new normal - it is not easy. Best of luck to you and prayers going -thinking of the serenity prayer in particular - it has help me through some very dark days. BTW I hate this disease too - it has claimed so many sisters . . .

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I was just having a discussion with my husband on Sunday about how I am not the same person anymore. I went thru a phase where I was short tempered but that seems to have passed now. Nothing makes me mad now. Where has my passion gone, good or bad? We won't even talk about my love life. All I can say is I feel sorry for my husband.

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I have been having the same thoughts - I really think the chemo meds are making me extremely ill-temperered, to the point of irrational behavior. I am not depressed, I have a good support system, I am feeling physically well - but sometimes I feel like I want to just erupt! I just pray that when the chemo is over, so is the rage. My boyfriend will not be able to stand it much longer!

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My mom became the same way with her OVCA, and my father was that way with his pancreatic cancer years ago. I wonder if it's the time limit they realize and aren't ready to accept, or if life just seems too serious to them, all of a sudden. The one thing we missed in my dad was his sense of humor. That was the biggest change, but there was no way to tell him that. I know how much you want the "old" mom back, but the only thing that is consistent in life is change, and this is where it's at right now. We still loved Dad and Mom, no matter where they were coming from and my brother and I had each other, as well as our families to talk to and complain to. Do you have siblings? Some close friend who knows your mother, too, and can just sympathize with you? That helps a lot. Just having someone to talk to helps. Keep trying. One day, she may snap out of it and suddenly be ready to do things again. Never give up in that area. Gosh, I'll be praying for you! This is a tough road to walk, and I've learned that it's harder to watch your loved one go through it, than to go through it yourself. Hang in there!

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Robin,
Really can't add anything to the conversation but wanted you to know I am praying for you and your mom. I have said things I regret to my oldest son but he calls me on it which I am glad he does. Try to let her know how much you love her and how scared you are at the thought of losing her. I know my husband and sons are terrified just as I am of this lousy disease.
Here is a huge hug,
Cathy

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A wellness coach or oncology life coach can help her focus on what she DOES have and learn to enjoy the moments right now.

However, it sounds as if she is resistant to these suggestions. In that case, I second the idea that you seek help for yourself. It can help you protect yourself while still caring about her. Life can be upbeat and wonderful as long as we have breath in our bodies. I wish this for you.

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