I read about cutting a lot now and I find myself asking people what they think of it. People see it as just trying to get attention, yet most keep cutting hidden. I don't open up anymore, because for so long I was told in many different words that I didn't matter. My therapist even told me I was beyond help. Cutting helped me by giving me a pain I could control. All my life I just wanted to feel I had some kind of control. Abuse was finally just accepted, because I couldn't escape. The pain, rejection, blame and so much more needed to be known outside of my head. I had to put it all into words. I took red pencils, pens, markers and wrote WHY on everything in my reach. I took a metal math compass and carved each letter into my thigh. None could see it except me and I finally had control. I went over that word for almost a year, until a friend came forward and expressed his worry to an adult. As the truth came out, life became unbearable and I begged anyone for an escape. The past came out and I was told to forget. Forget it all, but I couldn't. The past was part of me and someone had to solve my puzzle or I would keep trying to solve it myself. One night, two weeks after the truth was out, I took a safety pen and wrote FORGET into my arm. Winter was here by now so long sleeves could hide it. I some how stopped, but never will I keep my past down and silent again. These webs of lies told to me just get thicker as I battle to not know whats real. Urges come to me pleaing that I have control again. I promised I wouldnt but this is one promise proving to be hard to keep. People say their life is bad or that it could be worse. People will have to start dying in order for it to get worse. I cry out for help, yet help comes and goes. I wonder if anyone could handle my past enough to help me through it. The one friend I thought could help finally broke and the last words to me were Lost cause. I havent really talked with him since. I pray someone can save me, because now I dont think I can even save myself.