Always Over looked

I read about cutting a lot now and I find myself asking people what they think of it. People see it as just trying to get attention, yet most keep cutting hidden. I don't open up anymore, because for so long I was told in many different words that I didn't matter. My therapist even told me I was beyond help. Cutting helped me by giving me a pain I could control. All my life I just wanted to feel I had some kind of control. Abuse was finally just accepted, because I couldn't escape. The pain, rejection, blame and so much more needed to be known outside of my head. I had to put it all into words. I took red pencils, pens, markers and wrote WHY on everything in my reach. I took a metal math compass and carved each letter into my thigh. None could see it except me and I finally had control. I went over that word for almost a year, until a friend came forward and expressed his worry to an adult. As the truth came out, life became unbearable and I begged anyone for an escape. The past came out and I was told to forget. Forget it all, but I couldn't. The past was part of me and someone had to solve my puzzle or I would keep trying to solve it myself. One night, two weeks after the truth was out, I took a safety pen and wrote FORGET into my arm. Winter was here by now so long sleeves could hide it. I some how stopped, but never will I keep my past down and silent again. These webs of lies told to me just get thicker as I battle to not know whats real. Urges come to me pleaing that I have control again. I promised I wouldnt but this is one promise proving to be hard to keep. People say their life is bad or that it could be worse. People will have to start dying in order for it to get worse. I cry out for help, yet help comes and goes. I wonder if anyone could handle my past enough to help me through it. The one friend I thought could help finally broke and the last words to me were Lost cause. I havent really talked with him since. I pray someone can save me, because now I dont think I can even save myself.

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Pretty deep post. I did some minor cutting years ago. But for me I scratched myself till I bled. Similar. For me it was a distraction from the mental anguish and pain. The pain from cutting would end, whereas the emotional pain for me seemed endless. You have a really bad doc if they told you "you are beyond help" WOW....YOU NEED A NEW THERAPIST!!

It is hard to forget the scars inside your head....those may take nearly forever to heal and only with lots of work. Whereas the ones from cutting heal faster.

Sounds like you really need to talk things out with a good counsellor. Bounce ideas. Draw on paper or paint your emotions. Find a good outlet besides on yourself. It may help. I hope you find the peace you are looking for. xx

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Hi SH,

Sorry things didn't work out with your guy.
It is such a painful thing when that happens.

One minute you're feeling on top of the world.
Then the next lost in such rejection, and that's all your mind can seem to focus on.
And the past seems bigger once again.

I've read books and i don't know if this will make any sense to you.
Its about what you 'focus' your mind upon.
What you 'focus' on gets bigger. If you can place your 'focus' in another place.
The bad stuff can fade.

I don't think talking about it to your friends or family as you mentioned would help. (cutting).
They can't relate. Can you try to put some distance between you and the subject?
I haven't done that but i have been in so much emotional pain i wished i could.

You're such an excellent writer. Keep on writing.
I feel that is your creative outlet. And we here will keep reading. :)

I know it doesn't help and i've thrown things across the room at the thought of it.
But the only person who can help you at the end of the day is YOU.

Self love is a hard thing to come by. I have abuse in my childhood too. And sometimes it haunts me too.
Everyday say 'i love you ____," and your name. At first it will feel awful and you won't believe it.
But the more you say it, you will start to believe it a little.
And if you love yourself you'll want to take good care of you.

You'll be off to college soon right? End of summer.
Time goes faster than you think.
Do your writing between now and then. It might become a best selling book one day. :)

There is nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful exactly as you are.
You could never be a lost cause in any universe. You are loved beyond all measure.
All is well....You will see..... :)

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I wasn't dating him or anything, but he did like me a lot. It was terrible losing him still. I'm putting all my poetry together and am going to try to have it published. The poetry I write isn't just happy, but it also shares the moments I hit rock bottom and just kept going. I hope this book will help people see that they aren't as alone as they might think. It's called, Fear Awakens Your Senses.

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You a lot of people remember the poetry of Emily Dickenson as depressing, mostly because a lot of it was written when she was depressed. She is my favorite poetess

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i have been a cutter for 23yrs. it is not for attention. only 2 people in my life know about it. i am embarrassed and ashamed. it makes me feel weak (not when i do it) As i got older i started getting tattoos instead. people dont think you are crazy if you pay someone to give you that release.

that why i do it. because everything just gets to be to much. i am feeling to much and cant let it out. my mind just needs to be free. so i do it and it is like breathing again. being able to breathe again.

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