Four Months

I know I should be further along with my grief. I am. I just can't ignore anniversaries of her death. I miss her and think of her everyday. She was my life and my bff and my love. I have our fur babies to keep me going and know I have a responsibility to them and Mel would be proud that I am taking care of them and myself.

I keep busy, but, she's always there, and will be forever. The pain isn't as strong, but, it too, is still there. A dull, quiet, distant, pain, but, it's still there.

I will to see her as if she's still here. I haven't dreamt about her and realized if I did I would wake up screaming, crying, angry because she is not here. I guess my subconscious is protecting me.

Melva was sensible, funny, reasonable, smart, shrewd, and practical. She and I protected one another and loved one another like we were the only people in the world.

I will be ok. For her.

Love ya'll. Thanks for letting me post.

Much love and gratitude,
Cici

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22 replies. Join the discussion

All normal feelings sweet Cici. It's only been a short time but I can tell you're doing a little better. Eventually, the worst pain will be replaced by a flood of wonderful memories. I know you'll be ok.

We're always here for you. Take care of yourself. Love ya back!

I hope that boat house is getting plenty of use these days.

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Cici,
Thank YOU for sharing your love and life with us.
You are part of us, just as Mel is part of you.
Warm thoughts and prayers always surround you from many sources.
Hang in there my Texas friend, I have a feeling you are going to make Mel very proud!
God bless us all,
liz

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Cici thanks for posting. My dear there is no timeline for grief. Everyone is different; many loves are different and so you must feel what is in your heart and never apologize.
Four months is not a long time. You are doing remarkably well and Melva is proud.
Love
Diane

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Cici, I agree no timeline on grief. When ever the girls and do something that dad would do with us one of us say it....dad would have loved this or dad would be doing..... We are going to Maine to visit my family soon and he wold always go out fishing every day. It's going to be different it there will be lots of people to keep me busy.

I will acknowledge him when i'm there...if that makes sense. He always had a good time there. Take one day at a time....

Stanifa

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Dear Cici, l lost my mom almost 6 months ago and the grieving varies day by day. I seem to be more sad lately. I think each new season bring new memories of holidays and specific events that we must get through. Your sweet sincerity in your post touched my heart. I'm praying you have more good memories than sad, and that each day brings new blessings. Take care on your journey through this valley.

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Cici,
I know what you're feeling. It will be 3 months on Sunday that my dad passed away. I don't think there is any amount of time that will heal the pain we are feeling.

I was told by a good friend that our loved ones come to us when we least expect it and when they KNOW we won't be startled or scared of their appearance. I'd never be afraid of my dad and I know you wouldn't be afraid of your sweet Melva. I had a dream about my dad a few weeks ago. He looked so good, healthy and happy. He just smiled at me and I knew, with everything that I am, that he is not in pain and is truly happy.

I pray that you see your sweet Melva soon and know that she is happy and healthy.

Tina.

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Hi Cici,

Bless your heart. I think you being younger will have a heaver heart longer than say someone who is in the latter years of life. Do you know what I mean? Of course Melva's early departure will be harder on you - you simply were not ready to say goodbye. It just wasn't fair. She was your counter balance. You probable feel lopsided along side with grieved.

The good news is this is normal Cici. Not easy but normal. I miss Melva too. Not like you of course but I prayed so hard for this whole nightmare to reverse it's self. You would write so eloquently about your Melva that I could just imagine her. In my own hope for cancer not to devastate, I prayed for her and so many others to be spared.

I am sure you are getting tired of hearing this from people like me BUT- death is not the end. In Christ there is eternity. Better than life. Better than anything we can dream of. Melva has met her maker and her eternity has already begun. Now we have to wait for your eternity- it may be nay years or it could be to marrow. Only God knows that. Until then, Cici, you have to live. Make a difference for Melva, do something besides grieve.

Save pets. Or something. You have to find something that will honor the love you had for Melva, even if it to love someone else. You staying sad is not going to make your life wonderful and I am sure Melva would want to you have a wonderful life.
Hugs and More Hugs
Julie

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So glad that you can sit back and smile. She will forever be in your heart.

Hugs,
Deb

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Cici, you lost the love of your life, of course you are still hurting. Grief has no time frame and each of us goes through at our own pace.

Julie said the word beautifully and I cannot say them better.

((((((hugs))))))

Bets

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Cici I understand your feelings completely. I lost my dear husband eleven years ago. It does get better with time. He was my all I was eighteen when we met n I'm now fifty three. Even after eleven years I have not reentered the social realm. I know its only been a short time since your loss but don't get so wrapped up in it time flies and believe me you will get lonely. Please forgive me I just don't want you to end up like me. My children are now grown and memories are wonderful. But when the loneliness sets in it hurts!! Good luck and god bless!

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Cici I also understand what you are feeling. On the 11th it was 6 months since my brother passed away. I still miss him so much and have many moments during the day when I cry. So many things make me think of him. My mother is having such a hard time also. It's normal what we feel and that's part of grieving. When I see my brother's 8 yr old son, I see my brother in him and it also makes me sad. My brother loved his son so so much and it makes me sad that he doesn't see him anymore. I think that we will have many moments of sadness and yes one day we will be ok but our lives will never be the same. Thinking of you Cici and sending you prayers of comfort.
Hugs
Barb

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Much

I appreciating seeing my progress. I feel guilty that I'm not an emotional wreck. I thought about getting the boat out by myself tonight, but, I am going to wait until Melva's brother arrives tomorrow.

Love
Cici

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Liz

You have been one of my dear friends on here and helped me save Mel more than once with your urging to get her to the er.

From your mouth to God's ears that I will make her proud.

Thank you for being here for me.

Love
Cici

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Diane

Thank you for always being there for me. I bear there is no timeline for grief processing. You've been awesome girl.

I will get out on the water!!!!!

Love you
Cici

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Oh Stanifa

I completely understand what you mean in regard to memories. It helps. I have spent almost every weekend with members of Mel's family. It is like having her here I an odd way.

Enjoy that place that your dad enjoyed. He will be there with you as the wind blows in your way and I'm hoping you have a sense of peace.

Much love
Cici

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Katie

This valley is low right now. I pray we both make it to the top of the mountain.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. I can't imagine. I'm very glad that my post might have helped you in some way. We will never forget our loved ones, but, we have to go on.

We will get through this. We will.

Love
Cici

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Oh Tina

I'm sorry and you are right the pain never leaves us, but, at least we loved and were loved. There are lots of people who never get that.

My dreams are strange because I dream the essence of her, but, I never see her. I don't think I'm ready. I see her spirit.

We will heal. We will heal.

Love you
Cici

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Sweet Julie

I have no feeling of getting sick of hearing people tell me
She is with Jesus. She is. And I will be with her one day. I can't wait.

It's really hard to imagine seeing anyone else right now, but, I hope that one day I meet someone who is as kind and loving and fun as my Mel. But, now?! No! It is harder I think being young becauses he is supposed to be here and grow old with me.

Thank you for always being there. SHe was my best friend and whom I was with at all times. I will honor her and my many friends who have fought or are currently fighting this monster.

Your friend.

Love you
Cici

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Bet

I'm grateful for the love Mel and I had. We always had eachother and complimented one another with our different personalities, but, basic support for one another.

Julie is always wise with her words as well as giving.

Love
Cici

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Huns

Wow. Your advice is sound. I worry about that happening to me. Melva used to say the nieces and nephews will have their own lives and forget about us. I know she was right. We never had children as she believed it wasn't fair to the kid. I wish you weren't lonely. I believe we are all lonely even if we have people we love with us.

I will take your advice seriously. Thank you for taking time to reach out. I will not go to therapy and share about my melva with a bunch of strangers. I know people err knew Mel and I as a team and knew her struggles and triumphs. Very special people must know about that.

Much love
Cici

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