I can't stand it anymore!!!

Hi, My name is Ashkan. I'm 17. I'm sure I have a mental problem and I really think it's depression. I think I am going become crazy... I fill it... but I try to hide it... .
I think a lot ... about nothing ... about things those do not worth thinking... I can't stop my self ... it's really hard. I makes me away from my aim ... being a doctor ... I don't feel like living, life sucks for me. Even sometimes I doubt is being a doctor my aim ... I really confused.
I aproximately have lost my concentration. It affects my work. I hate...(I don't no what do I hate but I hate sth right know...).
I'm really alone. I have a family,mother,father and a little brother, but none of them don't understand me and don't assist me to pass through this.
My father had been in the war. Now, he is an angry man... I don't feel any close to him... Absolutely, he cares about us but he can't control his anger speech sometimes... Maybe it's not his fault but it's not mine either.
My mother is a nurse. I don't know why but I don't feel so close to her either.
They do what they can to make us successfull in life and they buy what we ask... But I think they have missed sth very important, sth that without it nothing means to me ... being a good FAMILY... They don't understand this word.
I used to live with my granparents havetime for almost half of my life...
So, I daydream a lot ... (daymare is better like nightmare) I don't feel like talking a lot... I enjoy being upset (I think).
Sth important... My power of deciding ig weakening...
Recently I lie to my friend a lot... I tell them about my thoughts as they are real. Worse part is that they have found out and they told me I should do sth about myself. I want to break my frienship with them but I also don't want because they are my only friends(Two people) and I don't want to lose them... They don't understand too. I tried to find some online friends but I failed in that too. I'm different than anybody else...
My parents expect me to study but how can I really study(I love studing and playing piano).
I like to be different...
I think my feeling nerves are broken... I often have doubt to feel sth... I ask myself is this true?!
I have become a different person...somebody likes me and somebody don't. My senses are done.
People pretend (family) everythings are good... No problem...I don't know what to say more?
I need help... I should talk to God.Totally...
-God? Are you there?
-Yes, son. What do you want?
-Why am I alive? I don't see any point!
-Well... I really don't have time for this, know.
-Can I talk to you another day?
-Like when?
-Thursday...?
_... Oh, know. I use to play golf with some guys?
-What about Friday? Are you busy then?
-Let me take a look at my calender... In the morning I have something to do... none of your bussiness... but in the afternoon I think I'm free.
-Thanks God... Your awsome man.
-Right?! It's going to be legen...wait for it...dery.
-See you... .

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Dear Ashkan,

You are brave to write to this site, and I am sorry you are suffering from lonely and other strong, unpleasant feelings.

It is very hard indeed to feel that you are not understood by your family. Is there anyone in your world in whom you could confide your unhappiness?

I think you definitely need help. Is there such a thing as a telephone "Hotline" system in Iran? Would you consider calling it? What do your friends say about your situation?

Please do not give up on life. You are going through a very hard time now, but it will not always be thus. Please keep in touch.

Barbara

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Hi Barbara
I'm happy you replied. I'm sure you have a lot of experieces and you definitely can help me. Actually I have no one to talk about my situation. That's why I'm searching for sb who can understand me even in the internet. You know, here things are a bit different than somewhere like America. I really don't like to go to the therapist or sth. Why? I don't know...I just don't...
I have two friends but they are not like me. One of them is totally diferrent with me in manner and act and the other one... How do I say that... He has a serious problem and he just gave up. I kinda liked that guy and we were friends for two years but now I have understand who he is and I don't like him know... Even sometimes I hate him(He is a suesidal(One time because he is not a real man...)) And if I wasn't cerious maybe I would never find out. He lied to me for a long time consciously... How can I be that thing's friend.
They say you should go to a therapist or sth. Actually they are friends in name. I don't think friendship is really like that. I see it really more. Of course... They were my best friends... Maybe I'm not their(It's better to think) but if I am that is not the way best friends act in such kind of situation(Believe me, I have seen a lot of these two.) I totally different with their way of thining... They hurt me with their manner...such as my parents... but what choice do I have... You think what should I do with them...??!

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Hi - nowhere-everywhere2
Ashkan......
Being frustrated - is a very normal human response.... being frustrated - is a just a sign to yourself - that you are not getting your needs met in life.... something is missing....if you can be honest with yourself - and admit to yourself - what it is that you are missing and longing for...then you will have the first step understood.... we all need the feeling of being loved and understood....if you hang in there long enough... there will be answers for you...Your right - about not liking certain people - because they have low morals or lack being decent....that shows that you are not willing to be satisfied with what is wrong....but - that you are seeking satisfaction from things that are right in life....THAT'S GREAT !!! That means that while your friends may be reaching for the hills to be satisfied - you on the otherhand - my friend - seem to be reaching for the stars for your satisfaction....which means that the outcome - what life brings to you - should be higher than what others are reaching for...
Find Faith and Comfort in your God that you pray to..
The God that I pray to says that "Patience and Faith -
brings the promises of God". If you are seeking to do what's right in life - then you are a likable - loving person.......Since you like and love yourself....then.....
you should be of good company to yourself - you should be happy - knowing that your God is pleased with you and your caring heart - You are Valuable.... Be patient and wait and have faith......while you are waiting to hear from God and get answers and direction !!! You Can Do This !!!

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Hi Mrs Barbara
I should say my problem is I don't know what is right... Studing hard and making my parents proud or studing and beside doing what makes me happy...? Now I have another problem... whatreally makes me happy... I like to be normal and happy with my life but I can't. Sth inside of me just want me the way I am and maybe worse. I told I can't decide. My parents has sent me to a good school and they tell me study hard because they weren't succesfull in their lifes. They want us to have a lot of money and have a great life and be around high level people... Things they wish they had... But I don't thing so. And about God... It's really harder than you say it. He never shows up...How should I know God is there and he wants good for me... (My father)?!
Anyway, I am going to write a story or sth and say this things in it in another way... But my problem is time... What do you think?

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I hope somehow, somewhere, you can find a trained therapist to help you.

It is hard to get up every day feeling totally discouraged.

Q: Have you tried to find a therapist?

It is okay that you have different values from your father. You're a different person who has a soul with different needs.

Good wishes,

Barbara

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Hi - nowhere-everywhere2
Ashkan - Are you sure that you are replying to the right person? Please look at who wrote to you...
The last time you wrote you addressed your notes to Mrs. Barbara----But it was" BuddyPal " that wrote to you -
about what you had replied about...
BuddyPal is the one that wrote to you -
with the ending. "You Can Do This"
Posted at 2:43 p.m.

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Sorry, you're right. I made a mistake and I appologize. I hope BuddyPal won't get mad at me.
So you are Mr or Mrs? What should I call you? I guess you are Mr but I can't be sure...
You told me about God and faith? How are you this sure? I mean I am very sceptic about finding the truth. The whole world can make you sure of God but people and life can make you sceptic... Although there are lot of unsolved questions for me. When I think about them I see maybe it's not how it sounds.
And I want to solve this thing myself. I appreciate everybody's help in this planet.
So if you can help me to go through this... .
My mind is little by little turning to a novel and I wanted to right it down but I don't have enough time. What do you say?
Thanks for your reminding...
Later

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Hi.....Nowhere - Everywhere2
This is BuddyPal.....You can call me this name....
And no I am not mad at you....Everyone makes mistakes....I want people to forgive me of my mistakes - so I have to do the same to others.....
We should treat others - the way that we ourselves would want to be treated...
Ashkan - You are so right about being sceptic to finding the truth - because there is alot of false information in this world and phony - self-centered people - that lie.... I have learned not to trust people because they are not trusting...all human beings fail... Because we are not perfect....But I do trust in my God in whom I serve and believe in - he IS perfect....You asked me how I can be sure of God and Faith...Well, I have experienced the truth of my God's words coming to life with me... Proving to me that he is the one and only True God....The God that I serve is not a man that he should lie...but the God that made heaven and earth - you and me - and everything else....He is Awesome - Powerful - Loving - and knows all things.... This is why you told me that people can make you sceptic...Because they are just people - they are prone to making mistakes...People do not know everything - that is why they need to know their True God - so that they can be told everything.....and be satisfied in life...so that they know who they are....and what they can do.....and feel loved and excepted - as a loved child of God - Our Father - who has created us... and everything..... You said that you wanted to solve this problem by yourself - this is a good thing that you are seeking for answers - our God wants us to seek him...He said "Seek me and you will find me" - My Father - God said...."Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you" -
So, you see that gives us a good reason to feel hope -
and faith that our needs will be met....My Father - God,
also said that "I will never leave you - or forsake you"
So, that brings alot of comfort.... You asked me what I thought about you writing a novel...I think that's great - writing down notes and thoughts that keep coming from your heart - that's an excellent idea... that will help you piece things together - and then you will have valid notes from your thoughts to help you remember... Reaching for the stars - while your friends are only reaching for the hills - will put you in a better position....Who knows - maybe one day those notes that you put together - may wind up to be one of the best novels - that people would be interested in reading.... Gotta go now ..... And - Ashkan have a wonderful day !!! God truly does love you !!!

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I doubt...
My new subject is this... Today was started awful. In the morning my two friends came and I went with them out. That was probably one of the biggest mistakes in my life. I showed them sth but they told me I'm a lier... They really didn't care our friendship as I do... Actually it was the first eight lines of my book. So they made me to start having doubt in myself. I can't do it ... right? But I still believe in myself. In this very moment I am just alone... I don't have any friends. I want to start again by myself and I hope you can be my friends forever. I love you because you understand me much better than the people who are close to me, you care about me and answer me, and ... .
So I had a plan ... I was making my thoughts better so I can end them easier but today they ruined it... They even called my brother to prove me I'm a lier. Well they proved it and they made me miserable. When I expected my friends to be close to me and believe me they did exactly the opposite.
So, I have sth else to end this...
You know... I like little children... specially little sweat girls... They are so cute and innocent. They usually are afraid of the closet and what is behide that. I think we are just like them. We are afraid of God. We can't see him or hear him but we think he exists... just like the children. So they afraid of opening the door and seeing what is behide it. They don't know it has bad thoughts or good ones. Or in the zoo, people food animals and are good to them. But what are they really using them for...? What do the animals think about the people?
Thanks
Talk soon

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I was thinking the whole day how could they be that wild. They even pretended nothing happened. I liked them but know I hate myself to be so unsocialized... How didn't I understand. They can really be over me... . Oh, THAT IS BAD... .

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Hi ....nowhere - everywhere2
Ashkan - You need to believe that you are strong to handle things....
You told me that you realize that it was a mistake to go with your friends that depress you... so, there you go - you know what is right and what is wrong... you know what frustrates you and what doesn't....
I would rather be lonely - then to be with people that drive me crazy.... wouldn't you ? Real friends will make you feel good about yourself and build your hopes up... You know that it is not right to lie about things... because as you can see - the truth came out - and as you told me - your friends proved it to you... you do not want people to think that you lie... What happens when you tell people the truth - and then they will not believe you - because they know that you have lied before ???
Our God - believes that the best thing to do is to tell the truth...and so do I ... The truth will set you free...
The truth will show people how things REALLY are !!!
People need to see the truth to see how things really are... it puts us further along in life to deal with the truth - instead of being at a standstill...trying to make sense out of a lie... Ashkan... you said that you thought that people are afraid of God...Well, can I tell you that...If a person is doing something wrong that they know that they shouldn't - then of course, I can see why they would be afraid of God - because they feel that God knows what they did......BUT.... I think if people are trying not to do anything wrong - that they would not be afraid of God !!! Make sense ???
Ashkan - we CAN hear God through reading his words to us - what he has written to us... after awhile we will be able to understand his words - and - the way that he is - his words will show us how he is - and who he is.....
through reading his words..... People who read God's words will read that he has GOOD thoughts - toward us - his children - and Loving thoughts toward us - when we SEEK him...
and - try to OBEY him - by trying to do things that are RIGHT - not things that are WRONG....
Ashkan - don't you know - why people have animals in the zoo ? It is because - people like to go to the zoo - to see all of the different kinds of animals - to enjoy looking at them... What do you think - that the animals are thinking about the people ???

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I didn't completely get my answer. Anyway... I'm trying not to lie from this moment... But my real problem is that my thoughts are my dreams... They are lies of a perfect lift I haven't. So it's hard to get rid of all of them together. But I try not to lie to myself and see facts. Maybe it make me better. Of course it is not enough. The fact is my life still sucks... even if I pretend that it's good. I should change the fact (do not dreaming) and then I should change myself. But there is a big problem... If I have nerve damage, what would I do?...

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Hi...Nowhere-everywhere2
Ashkan...
I think being truthful with yourself is a good way to put it... How about excepting the Facts as you know they are the truth...and speak the truth to yourself and to others.....But - still you can also speak your dreams and prayers in life....That is also the truth of your feelings ...But - just do not mix the two up - together in confusion.... Keep your facts - your facts - and your dreams - your dreams....Does this make sense ??? "Speak the truth about the facts" and also. "Speak the truth about your dreams" See???
Ashkan - Don't feel so alone... All of us in life - have things that suck...that we hate.....It's only human.....
Ashkan - you said - "If I have nerve damage - what would I do ??? ............Well - Do you have nerve damage ??? You did not explain to me... what you are talking about.....

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Hi
I don't know that I have nerve problem or not. I didn't ask anybody either. But sth should be wrong with me that makes me like this. PS. I have bad headaches and my eyes vision is little by little growing weaker. I don't know. Everybody say my headaches are because of my eyes problem and each doctor says sth about it.
Sb says it's because of the age, or it's genetic, or you study in the dark... What is the fact?
And I have sth else to tell you. I don't know should I take it or not. Please tell me your opinion. It's a hard question for me and I am thinking about it a lot. I know I should love sb to survive but I don't know how should I find that person and how long should I wait. I had been searching the web... nothing yet...
You know what? I am not brave enough to tell my parents that I want to decide how should I live. Of course they are a lot more experienced and they know how hard life can be. They wish we have a lot of money and they are used to have children who are the bests. But my point is that... what if I study a lot... become a perfect doctor... Have everything I llike but I always miss sth. What if then my life needs sth very important that I haven't. Do you understand? I like studying and being good at school and having good grades and becoming doctor to help people. But I can be and still have other things that I don't know what they are. Please them me what is missing and what should I do? Who should I turn into. I want to live in a different ways. Nobody ever could understand what I'm saying. Maybe I don't want to be the best in studing always. Being the best misses sth I don't know what it is. Maybe I should love someone... maybe I should do sth... maybe I should go my way without thinking to the others...
Help me in this step please... I think I am thinking better than before... maybe I can pass my trouble and arrive to my real life. What it has to be... .
Thank you very much
Ashkan

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Hi.....nowhere-everywhere2
Ashkan.......
Shouldn't your Dr. be able to tell you if you have a nerve problem - or not ?
I don't know what sth means ? Are you trying to write the word - this ? I don't know who Sb is ?
Well - if people including the Dr. are telling you that your headaches are because of your eyes - then maybe they are right... I certainly would not know - I am not your Dr.... If your eyes are not seeing correctly then aren't you wearing glasses to help you see better ?.... Ashkan you ask me who you should love - and how long you should wait.... I cannot tell you these things - it is your right to love who you want and it is your right to wait however long you want to about things... I cannot predict your future..... Some people never find what they are looking for in life...
I wish that you would just be happy - with what you have - and try to make the most of it....If you are 17 years old... then you are mature enough to know these things... At 17 years old - you should be brave enough to talk to your parents about what is on your mind...They cannot read your mind.....you have to speak...... It is your right to do with your life the way you want.... if you do not know what you want to do yet....then I guess you are not ready to make a decision yet.... Again... if you don't know what to do with yourself.......then you are not ready to make a decision.....Be Happy - where you are at right now....and when the time comes - you will know what to do in life....People cannot know how they are going to spend the rest of our lives before it happens....People cannot foretell the future about everything.....You should not expect yourself to know everything before it happens...... As life gives us and teaches us things - then it gives us an idea of how to make decisions...So - life has to unfold itself to you - so you are better able to make better decisions...
I think that you should love everyone - and I think that you should talk to the people that come into your life... then your answers will come to you more easily...
Have Faith and Believe and Be Happy !!!

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