Having a Hard Day

I am having a hard time dealing with my husband's reactions about having another child. He had a vasectomy during his last marriage. I knew about this when we were dating,but also was open about wanting to have a child with him. He seemed on board so that was great. I would not have stayed if he had said there was no chance. We settled our divorces,married, and have settled into a great blended family routine where everyone is comfortable. I felt it was time to discuss having a child and he was totally against it. I was very hurt and could not understand why he would say one thing and mean another. He tells me that I " should leave it up to God." I am so angry with him right now because I feel hurt and betrayed. He made a conscious choice to have a vasectomy and now my only option is to leave it up to God? I am at a loss as to what I can do. Sorry I just need to vent about how I feel today.

Report post

4 replies. Join the discussion

I'm sorry but I don't like what he's doing at all!! He's having the best of everything with you dealing with his children yet won't give you one with him. Leaving it up to God is ridiculous since he got snipped. I would sit him down and have a big heart to heart. In my opinion, you'll end up very unhappy and resentful if he's not willing to go through a reversal or DS.
I would feel how you do. My husband has 2 kids that we have on the weekends and if he wasn't willing to do everything for us to have a baby too - after discussing this prior to getting married... I hate to say it but I'd be out.

Best of luck. Thinking of you.

Report post

My husband was married before but has no children. When we were dating he asked me if I could have children & I said I didn't know bc I've never tried. After we were married he put off ttc until I was 35, 2 years into our marriage. Now he says it won't be the end of the world if we didn't have children. I have had to really be blunt with him and say I felt he lied to me bc now at 38 (me, he is 43) he doesn't want to try IUI, IVF. I had to mention the d word for him to understand I really want for US to have kids. Only you know how far you are willing to go but like Inbs says, you have to have a heart to heart (calmly & state your concern). Good luck.

Report post

Let me tell you my story.. hopefully this will help. when I met my husband he told me that he didnt have children, I told him that I didnt want a man with children because I wanted children myself. He eventually told me the truth and I was crushed. When I found out he had kids I was upset but I was in love with him and I forgave him. He assured me that we would have a family of our own. After we got married, I was a step mother to three step children. I got married at 32 and I started to talk to him about when we would start having a family. He said that it was not the right time, financially... so I waited, then I asked again and he said that we needed to work on our marriage and i waited. I was eventually 35 years and pleading with him. I used to cry all night and worry. It seemed as if everyone around me was having children but me. I prayed and cried. i told him that we wasnt getting pregnant and we needed to go to a doctor. He said let God decide for us. I decided to go myself to the doc and I found out i had an issue and had it fixed. To make a long story short - God helps those who helps themselves. I pleaded with him, he would said that we could go to a specialist but when it was time he kept backing out. I finally had to make a decision of whether I wanted the marriage or a child. I knew that I would resent him for the rest of my life if I didnt have a family and he decieved me. I felt as if he decieved me. He didnt care if I had children because he already had children of his own.

Look, I did what was best for me and my life... I was 38, went out and found a donor and GOT PREGNANT!!! I was told that I would have a hard time having child... but i had a hard time with HIM. This ended our marriage, it was a huge blowup. But I can say that I did the right thing... I would have been unhappy and he decieved me... he finally told me after the marriage was over that he didnt want to have a child because if we ever broke up.. he would have to pay child support. So, he intended to wait or stall until I was too old. I am alone, but I have a wonderful 2 year old!!!.... I am SO thankful that I did the right thing for me. I knew that I wouldn't be happy and i was right. God didnt let me have a child with him because he wasn't right for me. All of those years I kept begging him for a child... he just wasn't the right man. I even had two iui's behind his backk because i was so desperate.. and it didnt work because I was so stressed... The minute I relaxed and he as out of my life.. I conceived. Leaving a marriage was EXTREMELY difficult. BUT, I made the right choice.. Now, I am 41 trying to have another child... It makes me SO angry that he wasted my time and lied to me.. I makes me so upset that I have to try to find a donor and get a IVF to have another child... I resent him for wasting my life. I believe that God is going to bless me with another wonderful child and i will not get into another serious relationship until I have MY family. I do not want that to ever happen again. When I first met him, I told him I wanted a family... he never cared.. That really hurt. dont let my story happen to you... Sometimes you have to step out on faith.

Report post

@hoping 41,

WOW! Good for you for knowing what you want and going after it. Try not to look back at him...you have so much ahead of you!! GOOD STUFF!!!!

@lillisa - just like teachell said - only you know how far you can go.... just know that you are not alone and it can be done!

Report post

This discussion is closed to replies. We close all discussions after 90 days.

If there's something you'd like to discuss, click below to start a new discussion.

Things you can do

Support RESOLVE

Help RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association reach its goals and support people like yourself by making a donation today.

Donate to  RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association

Discussion topics

More From RESOLVE

Advocacy Day 2014

Center for Infertility Justice Blog

RESOLVE's newsletter

Unplug yourself. A quarterly newsletter written just for you sent directly to your home. Subscribe today.

Infertility Information

RESOLVE's Resources

Community leaders