Getting DH back on board

So after a failed IVF #1 in March, DH and I decided we were in need of a break. We've booked a trip to Maui for June and I thought the plan was to return to try another cycle after our trip. I'm a teacher so I'll be off until the end of August and I really wanted to do a cycle over the summer when it will hopefully be less stressful.

The dilemma is that now DH is saying he doesn't want to do anymore treatments! He says maybe at some point but he has no idea when he'll be 'ready' again. He insists that we're not getting pregnant because we're trying to hard and want it to badly. I want to plan, to have some control over my life and where it's going! Plus if there's any chance I'll be doing this over the summer I need to have an idea so I can let the nurse know since my protocol is changing. The second I say that he says I'm obsessing over it and being desperate. That's his favorite word to use.

I'm so angry and annoyed. Angry at DH, angry that we're in this situation. I feel like I'd be able to take a real 'break' if I had a more clear time line on when we'd be starting up again.

Has anyone else been in this type of situation? Any advice for making a break more of a break and not a fight about when you'll be starting again? How do I let go and not think about when we'll be starting again?

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I could have written this post a year ago (except for the teacher part). I had a failed IVF last March, joined Resolve in April.

My DH was refusing to do another cycle, said he needed a break. I was SO angry at him, but also perplexed. Why didn't he want what I wanted? He desperately wanted kids too, so why wasn't he on board with another cycle?! And he wouldn't talk much either. He wouldn't give me his reasons, he just kept saying he wasn't ready & didn't know when he'd be ready. After a few months, he finally came clean. He was waiting for me to be my usual self before continuing. I started suffering major depression after the failed cycle, and he wanted that resolved before continuing. I basically told him it wouldn't resolve without us having kids, although it might get better. I had started antidepressants and was going to therapy, so I really was trying. I also told him how much the indefinite time period was killing me. We agreed to wait a month or two and revisit our individual readiness.

I would suggest presenting your DH with the facts... IF doesn't happen because you try too hard or want it too bad. Remind him it's a medical condition. Get a book to back yourself up. Now, he is also probably suffering his own grief at the failed cycle and not wanting to go through that again. He's probably telling the truth when he says he's not ready, so it wouldn't be fair to push him either. BUT, it's not fair to you to have everything open-ended. After your discussion(s) about feelings, try to set a date to revisit the issue. That way you have something to look forward to and he doesn't feel pressured in the meantime.

Good luck, it's terribly tough.

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Thanks for your feedback. I think that is probably EXACTLY what DH is thinking. He seems to be trying to get me back to 'normal' as well but after 2 years of this, a miscarriage, 3 failed IUIs and an IVF I don't know if I'll ever be the 'normal' he has in mind again until I have a child! And even then I am a changed woman for sure. I like the suggestion about having a timeline when we will check in again and reevaluate. I'm going to let things sit for a little bit before approaching this conversation again. I think we both need some more time to cool off.

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I'm sorry you are going through this. Cori is spot on. DH needs to know that it is not possible to MAKE oneself "relax" even if that were the magic solution. It's like telling someone not to think about something - of course they are going to think about exactly that. In fact, you may feel more "relaxed" now if you are pursuing treatment. You took your break and now it will probably feel extremely empowering to get back to business and know you are doing what you can to build your family. Hugs!

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