About 36 hours before surgery

I have a few more hours before I start my clear liquid diet. I'm not looking forward to drinking the magnesium citrate tomorrow afternoon, but I'm guessing that is the least of my worries at this point.

I've been watching youtube videos of the surgery that will be performed, and of patient reactions after the surgery. I've got a decent idea of what will happen during and after the surgery. Although I want the tumor out of my body, I'm not looking forward to the whole procedure or recovery period.

I had a long talk with my son yesterday (he's almost 4) and explained that I would be going to the hospital and that hopefully the doctor would make me all better. He seemed to sort of understand what I was saying. He asked me if I was scared, and I told him yes. Then, he offered to let me take one of his stuffed animals to the hospital so that I wouldn't be scared anymore. He said if I was really scared, I could take two animals.

My father's father died before I was born, and my father died of cancer when my son was 6 months old. As soon as I heard my cancer diagnosis, I was sure that the cycle would continue and that my grandson would never meet or remember me. I'll do my best to make sure that I'm around for a long time so that I will be able to meet my grandchildren.

I've been picking my son up and throwing him in the air a lot the past few days, since I know I won't be able to do it for about 6 weeks or so after the surgery. After hanging him upside down and running around the house for a few minutes, we sat down and had a good laugh. Earlier, we had talked about jobs, and how I wouldn't be able to do mine for a while. I asked him what he wanted to do for a job when he grew up.

"I want to be a Daddy just like you. I want to have a little boy and give him healthy food and he'll grow up big and strong." Well, let's just say that my eyes weren't so dry after that.

I'm ready for my surgery, and I'm ready for whatever comes next.


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