When does the greiving stop

Hi, my name is Laura. I lost my little boy Paul on Father's Day 6/15/2008. He was diagnosed with retinoblatoma at 6 months of age(5/4/2004). He over came that cancer and was in remission untill 6/4/2008. When I had to rush him to the emergency room cause he turned blue and stoped breathing. They found out he had a medialstinal mass. They life fighted him from or home town of Twin Falls to Boise. The doctors didn't find out till we had been in the hospital 10 days that he had suffered catostrophic brain damage due to the seven times he had went in to cardiac and respatory arrest on 6/4. I was forced to make the dission as to wheather or not to let him go. We pulled him off life support 6/14/2008. As always my sweet little Paul faught for his life. He was life support free 3mins shy of being a full 24 hours before he passed. He was 4 1/2 years old. It's been over a year and I still fill the big gapping whole that is in my heart. I think over the last year I have gotten better at hiding the way I feel, rather than dealing. I have 3 other children. Ginnie is 8, James is 2, and Lily is 6 months. We had just found out I was pregnant w/ Lily 2 weeks before Paul went in the hospital. I know if I hadn't have been pregnant when I lost my son I think I would have completely lost it. When all the testing came back they found that the mass was non-hodgkins t-cell lymphoma. I guess I'm posting this in hopes that someone can maybe in someway help me to learn how to deal better. Everyone else just asumes everythings okay even my own husband.

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Hi Pauls mum,
Your post has so touched me - to lose him after you've all fought so hard, and with only ten days to realise that he was poorly again must be just devastating. I don't know if grieving ever really stops - maybe it's about finding ways to live with what has happened. As opposed to 'getting over it' perhaps you need some support to find ways of carrying it? Have you had counselling - I've found this really helpful, our daughter is in remission, 10 months and counting. I went through a period of time when I was almost immobile with fear - talking to someone that doesn't know me or my family really helps.
Have you seen www.cancercounselling.org.uk I know it's a UK based service but they have lots of info that you can download that might help.
Also it might help to have a look into Chronic Sorrow - this might help you to understand your genuine feelings of sadness and loss.
I guess it might take a lifetime to learn to live with the loss you've suffered, I hope that you can share that burden with your husband, and that the love of all 4 of your children will hold you up when you feel yourself falling down.
With love

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thanks for ur reply I will look into that. As for counseling I went twice but I didn't really find it helped me but it did help Ginnie my 8 year old

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Hi Pauls mom
We have just made it thru the first anniversary of the death of our little man. We lost him less than 3weeks after they found a mass in his liver, which turned out to be Stage 4 hepatoblastoma. As for when the grieving stops - I don't know. I feel his absence constantly. We also have other children, two daughters. They continue to bring me joy - but at the same time sorrow. Sorrow that all of our children are not with us, that he should be here, with us.
I am just starting to come to terms with accepting that the pain of his loss will be with me, with us, always. And I think that is ok. It is ok to feel that sadness for your son. As I've stopped trying to make it feel better, and tried to accept that the sorrow is now a part of me. I have found the overwhelming waves of sadness are not so frequent.
I'm not sure how much sense I'm making - but am happy to chat with you more
Take care

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dear paulsmom,

first I would like to say how very sorry I am for your loss. I understand what your feeling I lost my son 8 yr. ago to leukemia/bone marrow transplant and the only thing I can tell you is for me, my grieving now comes in what I call waves. but at first I must of stayed in some kind of void of time. The reason I know that is, when I came out of it, it had been a year. see my son was almost 6yr.old when our world changed. We battle for about 14yr. 3 relaspes, and a bone marrow transplant he passed at 2o yr. I think even when the doctor's placed him on hospis I wouldn't let myself accept he was going. That was the first year and after that I have good days and bad days. The thing is, I feel it will always be like this cause its been 8 years. All I know is, I'm better today, than I was last year and the year before that.
I think we have suffered a loss so deep that it just will get better when it does! its different for everyone.
here are some online grief sites, they really helped me
www.groww.org (heavenly angels chat room)
and compassionate friends
these chat sites are really helpfull we all have lost a child and everyones very kind. most important are we in the chat room have all been there!
God Bless you

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thank u so much to every one whom has responded. May God bless you and keep u

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I wondered if you could tell me a little on how you have helped your other children with the loss. I have a 11 year old and an 8 year old who will be losing there sister to brain cancer soon. I worry about the effects it will have on them

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The best thing I can tell u is to be honest with them about what is happening. I took my 8 year old to a couple of greif counseling sessions. She does fairly well with her brother being gone. We tell her that he is in heaven now, but that he watches over us. On holidays and his birthday we light a white candle that burns all day to allow him in some way to be with us on those days. Also we send up ballons to him with messages from all of us telling him how much he is loved and missed. As long as you have a good strong support system ur children should be able to make it throught this. Let them talk about her when ever they feel they need to. If u r unable to talk about it find a family member or friend they can talk to. With my daughter I have found that as long as she is able to talk about Paul he is still alive to her. She has some days that are really hard and she dosen't understand how God could take her brother from her. On those days I just remind her of the fun they had and that Paul is healthy with no more pain in heaven spending time with all of the other loved one that have passed before him. Do as much as you can to let them enjoy thier sister while she is still here with u. Take as many pics as u can as well as video. It seems to help to rember the smiles and laughter they shared. If they are currently in school talk with the teacher about them having some where to go if they are really missing her after she passes. Kids at school teased my daughter last year about her dead brother. I just told her they didn't know Paul so they didn't know how specail he was. I hope this helps. I also hope that you get to keep her for a long time. The loss of a child is one no one ever really gets over u just learn to move on. Your children will make it throught this rough time just exspect lots of tears and lots of questions. hold them and love them they will be okay and so will you. I wish you all the best. I will pray for your daughter.

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Dear Laura,
My heart aches for your loss...I wish I knew what to say that would ease your pain. My little boy is currently in remission from brain cancer. I remember when he was first diagnosed a little over a year ago, the doctors told us that it didn't look good because of his age. We were limited with treatment options. Inside I was a wreck....I was confused, and hurting... all the hopes I had for my little boy were being threatened....I couldn't imagine what my life would be like with out him in it.... The only way I have been able to find peace within myself is to accept what is...for me, faith in God and His plan has brought peace to my aching soul. I know that He loves His children and that He has a plan for them, and for some of His precious children He calls them home sooner than later. I know you must miss him with all your heart! I know one day you will see your son again. Of that I'm certain. Until then, cry if you need to, talk to anyone who will listen, pray and journal your feelings. Hold your other precious children close and enjoy every moment. Know that you are not alone. Take Care and God Bless you and your sweet family! Leah

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Hi Paul's mom. I know that the whole feels huge now and it seems at times that life will never be the same. The sun will never shine as bright, the music never sound as beautiful.. but it will. I too lost a child. I was numb for most of the first year. Never understanding WHY? when I stopped trying to figure out what I could have done different I started to heal.
I too had other children. Two teenagers who didnt understand either. It was a challenge to be "up" for them and be real. Somehow I dont know how but with the support of others I found peace in the moment. It will take a while. I also wrote a book about her struggle and that helped me to heal a great deal. I found a way to honor her. It took me 3 years of off and on writing but it was therapudic.
I have a greater faith in God now, and feel her presence. I know that if I ask for help from Him then I recieve it.
You will make it too. Its still very fresh and the hurt still open, in may be for a while still. Just take it a day at a time and try to focus on being happy. He isnt suffering any longer.
My prayers go out to you and your family.

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I appreciate your candidness in your struggle. I knew of a family in our church that lost a 5 year old to an inoperable brain tumor. I am sorry for your sadness and even more for your struggle.
We lost our 16 year old on her second bout with luekemia. She decided to stop all treatment and was clean for 6 months. We spoke of her condition often even planning her funeral and helping with her will. She was older. All my children where older, but I think its important to let them express there thoughts and feelings as much as they need to. Give them the hand in the glove demo about her death.
It will be painful to watch but we can enjoy all the memories of her life until she goes.
Best of luck and prayers to you and your angel.

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Thank you for your response. It is good to know that there is hope that I can move on with life. I hope u and ur family are happy and healthy. May God bless u and keep u.

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