How long must I live?

I often wonder why God would allow people to be in so much pain and discomfort. It seems as if I will never have a day that is free from vomiting, pain, and fatigue. I'm not happy anymore. It seems like nobody can understand what I'm going through. My family is not supportive. They say it's my fault that I have gastroparesis. Why? Because I didn't take care of my diabetes. They can't understand why I didn't take care of myself when I was younger. I can't give them an answer, except that I didn't think anything would happen to me. I am finding myself more and more depressed. I think of death as an answer to my prayers. I'm not afraid to die. I am afraid of living in pain for the rest of my life. I just wish there was something somebody could do to help me. I'm not coping very well. I am trying counseling, but my husband said that we can't afford it. I feel like I'm in a catch 22. I can only pray that God would ease some of the suffering.

By margamouse
Posted July 1, 2009 at 8:08 am
Report post

Please don't feel you are alone. Everyone on this site is dealing with what you are. We all feel down and out, lost...but God isn't finished with us yet.
We're still here because he needs us here. Maybe to help others, maybe to make others see outside themselves for just a little while.
Death is not the answer. Life is. I know how dificult the constant pain is. I'm living with it too.
My sister-in-law took her own life almost 10 years ago and the family is still affected by it. Do you have children, brothers, sisters, parents? Would you want one of them to take their own life, to leave you with all the pain and what-ifs that suicide would bring?
Please ask you therapist if there is a free counseling center in your area. Don't give up the fight.

By rose55
Posted July 1, 2009 at 8:39 am
Report post

I know how you are feeling, I feel the same way somedays. I have had motility problems for at least 15 years, found out I have GP and achalasia in 2007. I had my right lung removed in 2006, Drs. kept saying the motility problems were from the surgery. Finally found a GI Dr. who listened to me and didn't give up the search.Things are not great , at least I have an answer now.
I am so glad you posted how you are feeling, this is a great place to do that, you get the support you need because so many of us understand. Have you talked to your Dr. about how you are feeling, do you take medication for depression. I finally had to tell my Dr. how sad, blue, afraid I was and he perscribed a mild anti depressant, got me over the hump and now I feel better. It was a chemical imbalance, I had a right to be depressed...I'd been through alot, I feel so much better now, I'm enjoying the good days and working through the bad.
You are in my prayers, just know it can get better.
Rose

By NancyL
Posted July 1, 2009 at 10:44 am
Report post

Your post breaks my heart. Please don't give up trying to get counseling. I went through a two year phase when all I thought about was wanting to be the next person to die. I kept asking God to please take me and let someone else live. I went to a counseling session and the woman told me that she believe I needed to be on medication. She referred me to a psychiatrist who put me on Zoloft. The counseling session was very expensive (about $150) . I never went back to counseling because I couldn't afford it. But the zoloft did start helping right away. The ($150) seems cheap now compared to how I was feeling all that time. Even if you don't have the money for one session- do try to get help. Write a letter to the local counselers detailing how you feel and why you can't afford it (medical bills, etc.) and ask if they might offer a session at a reduced rate. It is worth a try. I know they need to pay thier bills as well, but there are good people out their that will help. I am not on zoloft anymore, but if I get to feeling like I need it again, I would do it in a heart beat. I hope that you can get your husband to understand that you need to do this just like you need to breathe. It is a big step to just admit to others that you feel this way.
You are a valuable human being and you are worth whatever it takes to get you back on your feet (so to speak). You will not always feel this hopeless. You can change. I am living proof. The things that broke my heart and led me to despair have not changed. I choose not to focus on them anymore.
Nancy

By Kristin_F
Posted July 1, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Report post

I totally understand what you are going through. It is really hard when not only do other people not understand what you are going through, but you feel alone and helpless. Please remember you are NOT alone!! Everyone out here understands how you are feeling, and what you are going through because we have all been there, or are there right now.
I will be praying for God to give you strength. Best wishes. Kristin

By JoAllison
Posted July 1, 2009 at 11:48 pm
Report post

Community mental health programs, and state dept of mental health programs, and some mental health programs affiliated with churches often work on a sliding fee scale & can be quite affordable. Please look in those areas and don't give up on counseling. Ask your doctor for a referral to such a program he might know of one.

By nanascorner
Posted July 2, 2009 at 9:16 am
Report post

I am doing to say this not as some statement from someone that is in worse condition than you are. I believe that every painful situation is unique it is own trails. I have been battling the realties of Crohn’s disease since I was a child. By the time I was 27 the Crohn’s disease had caused damage to my vagus nerve and paralyzed ½ of my stomach. I had still not been diagnosed with CD at the time that my chronic nausea and pain so bad on my right side hit me. I was diagnosed as being a hypochondriac after 4 days in the hospital. 12 years ago, I was in a car accident that left me battling chronic pain associated with Fibromaylgia. 10 years ago, at age 42 I was finally diagnosed with CD / GP…Only because science had finally become advanced enough to finally diagnosed my medical condition. In the end , it did not really matter one way or another, there has yet been a doctor in my life able to help me deal with this issue or my pain. The truth of the matter is, I depend totally on the Lord to give me the strength and wisdom to face my painful life every single day, and not to fallow my mothers example and end it as she did. That is not the legacy I wish to leave behind me when I finally go home to the Lord.

I am legally disabled. My husband makes to much money for me to be eligible for SSI, to much money for county aid, to little to afford insurances. As a result, if I need to see a doctor, it will be through the ER. Although there are free mental health centers that I fill could help you greatly, you will have to check them out yourself to find out if you are eligible. If there is no way you can afford to see a councilor, try Hope Keeper…http://restministriessunroom.ning.com/forum. Rest Ministries have crisis councilors waiting to talk to any one in needs. Many towns across the US have Hope Keepers support group, designed for Christians with a chronic illness and pain.

The best thing that you can do for yourself at this moment, is to understand that you are not alone in your pain. Not only does the Lord understand, and have plans for your life that you have yet to discover, but there are people just waiting to help you along that path. All you have to do is make the first step….

In my Prayers you friend and sister in the Lord Barbara

By lauraz
Posted July 2, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Report post

my heart goes out to you. i once felt the way you feel now. It's very difficult to be sick every day all day.
I know that MANY churches are happy to send someone over (FREE of charge) to come and sit and talk with you...Catholic Family Charities see people on a sliding scale as do many state funded programs...if you can pay 5.00, they will charge you 5.00.
I would contact a church in your area...someone who may be a STEPHEN'S MINISTER....they know alot about what is available in your area.
I am so sorry your family is non-supportive, but sometimes when we're depressed, that CAN feel worse than maybe it's intended.
PLEASE SEEK SOME HELP. Please call a local hospital even.
I know God doesn't give us disease....we get diseases from many sources and for many reasons.
This one is a tough one, no doubt, but once your depression lifts, it WILL be easier.
Please try to do something nice for yourself...if you can...is there anyone near you that you trust that can help?
Laura

By GinaB
Posted July 3, 2009 at 3:16 am
Report post

Dear Yourfriend, Please get someone to talk to, many times family just doesn't get it. Almost all of us with GP have the same pain and depression you are going through. Please don't even think about death, you are not alone in your suffering. I will pray for you, tonight, I am up at 1a.m. in pain from the GP and my neck spasms, I had a operation where they removed my cervical neck bones from C3 to C7 and put cadever bone in the place of degenerating bone. My pain is different now, but still very hard to bare, My LORD is with me daily, I guess it's something we have to learn from. The Bible says when we are weak we are strong, I now understand what that means. Again I will pray for you, please seek out someone. Don't internalize the pain. With great understanding your friend Gina

By canadian_10165
Posted July 9, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Report post

i know what you are going though .i have cramp fasciculation syndrone and i get pain all over my body every day.doctor dont know why i get all this pain because mt test always come back good. i know i got pain but my doctor tells me it's all in your head.i dont think so.now she send's me to see a doctor for mental health.if i didnt have pain i would have never went to see a doctor in the first place.

By Juliettesue77
Posted October 8, 2009 at 9:48 am
Report post

I really know how you feel when it comes to family. My family just thinks that I am just embellishing a little. Its getting to the point now that I am having problems swallowing. My mothers answer is always I have that and I have to deal with so do you. Luckily I live with my boyfriend and his family , they understand, they see me struggle with this daily. I am afraid that I will have to resign from my job soon. I really need the insurance so I am stuck. Any help would be appreciated.

Jen

By Wantakugel
Posted October 8, 2009 at 10:37 am
Report post

My heart goes out to you. I've been in the darkest depths, where taking my life seemed the only way out, even though I knew intellectually that it would devastate those who love me. The only answer was help for my mental health. It pulled me through so now I can see beauty in the world once again, which I never believed I would.

Hold on, get help, and keep posting here so we can provide the support and advice you so deserve. You may not always find the understanding where you hope to, but you will certainly find it here. Or, as we say in my local support group (for all kinds of health issues--and thank God it's free): don't keep going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread!

Looking forward to hearing from you soon, and sending you a hug,

Leslie

By CIG
Posted October 9, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Report post

I've been where you are now. I felt like I was in the deepest whole in the ground, yelling for help silently. I wanted someone to help but was afraid to ask. I wanted so much to end my life. I use to read the obituary pages and hoped I would see my name there. I got help. This was 14 years ago. I tell myself I'd never go back to that kind of thinking. Along with this online site, join a support group near you that can give you hope and understanding. Pain is pain, no matter if it's physical, mental or both. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have pain from 12 spinal surgeries, and GI problems with my J-pouch. I keep my mind busy, reading, facebooking, listening to relaxation tapes, walking, and at 62 I decided to learn how to play the guitar. It's okay to feel low, but just don't let it go on for long. As far as friends and family, I feel it's impossible for them to know what it's like to walk in my shoes, and frankly, I don't care what others think or say about how I handle my life. I do the best that I can do, and I feel that's good enough. There will be bad day and some better days. Do what you can on those better days. Don't let your life slip through your fingers. Your stronger than you believe you are. Keep in touch. CIG

By NancyL
Posted October 10, 2009 at 11:06 am
Report post

Yourfriend,
How are you doing now? Have you managed to get some help? I hope that life has eased up for you if only for a little while.
Nancy

Welcome to Inspire!

Explore topics in this journal entry and replies:

14 replies

Add to the discussion

You