When you lose a child, it's like an out of body experience... your whole life changes. You pray, pray, pray that it's not happening. You beg, plead, cry, scream and go numb...then when you think you're done, you start all over again. Its everyone's worst nightmare...but it happens...it's happens. I've always wondered why us? Why did this "nightmare" happen to us? Were we just randomly picked by God...kind of like the lottery of heaven? Were we chosen because God wanted us...needed us...to know something? I honestly couldn't say. When you lose a child, no one wants to talk about it after it happens. It's almost like, if others mention the dreaded D-word that it will bring up sadness and reminders...when in fact people don't understand that everyday is a reminder after losing a child. Everyday! Even 4 years later...there is sadness and reminders. Sure, you think you are doing just fine. You are finally feeling again, and then BAM...out of the blue, you get sucker punched....and the hurting hits hard. When you lose a child to prematurity...let me start over on this...When you have a pregnancy that, from the start, is threatened, those months of doing everything in a mothers power to protect that baby...those babies in my case...becomes first and foremost in life. They(doctors) call it "a threatened miscarriage...or abortion". But wait, I WANT this/these babies, it can't be an abortion! But nonetheless, that's what the medical term is. So you plan on weeks...even months of bed rest...anything to ensure the health of this/these babies. Then the dreaded day comes...weeks...no, months too early. You beg, you plead, you make deals with God to let them be alright...and then you go numb. Then the "out of body" thing I was talking about above kicks in....and then...then your looking at a whole new life, a new you.
In the NICU you see your baby/babies and you wonder how could something so small survive. You don't get to hold your baby like a mom is supposed to be doing...instead, you are looking at them through an incubator. An incubator with tubes and wires. There is machines for everything...including a machine breathing for your child. How can this be? Why did this have to happen. You prepare for everything...yet nothing seems to prepare you for this. There are going to be hurdles and obstacles to overcome...words you've never heard of, phrases that are like a different language. Infections, operations...this and that...so much to take in, yet you have to...you are now on the roller coaster that they call the NICU.
Then for us, the worst happened. The doctors tell you that they cant do anymore. Then you beg, plead, scream, cry and then go numb...we lost our child.
We heard it all after that..."well, at least you still have one." Or, "God has a plan for everything...it happened for a reason." Even after four years it is still being said. Sure...I have made this nightmare that we have faced into something positive because I dont/didnt want my son to have passed away without any meaning. I have turned Nicks death, our loss, Kenny's disabilities and chronic illness into helping others. I have put up a brave front and forged on...for my sake and for the beautiful lives of Kenny and Nick...but I just sometimes get sucker punched...out of the blue.
This time of year hits me hard, and to have wanted something...my twin pregnancy, my twins to live so much...even after a chance of a miscarriage at 7 weeks...even after bleeding at 15 weeks and even after bed rest at 21 weeks...I tried my best...and it just wasnt good enough. Still feeling mommy guilt after 4 years. Then to be around people (family)pregnant with or who have twins...and to top it off...play it off like I was never pregnant with twins...hits hard. DARN IT....I am a mommy to twins...just now, I have one on earth and one in heaven! I know what it felt like to feel 2 babies inside kicking and moving. I know the feeling of looking at not one baby I gave birth to, but two babies. I HAD TWINS. Its not fair, its not what I wanted....this nightmare...these feelings are not what I want, yet I have to live with for the rest of my life.
And to top it off, not only do I have to deal with that, but the fact that my son is not like other kids his age. I get to experience a whole other "bigger experience" of having my son looked at by other kids and asked whats wrong with him. I get to see how far behind developmentally he is to others. How he cant talk. How he gets frustrated with things. How he acts differently than other kids. I get to go into panic attacks every time he gets sick. I get to go on "house arrest" with him for fear of him being around people and getting sick. I get to get that sick feeling of begging, pleading, screaming, crying and going numb with him when there is a new problem or just thinking about the future. Sometimes I think that it would have been easier if I would have lost the pregnancy early on (like I thought I did) to miscarriage....but God never promised an easy life. I will never stop missing my Nick. He was alive. He was real. But as the days and years go on...the memory of the way he smelled and looked are slightly fading...which makes me sad. I remember holding him and smelling him and telling him that I'd never forget him...
Every day there is something that reminds me of him...and that something is Kenny. At the same time, my heart breaks for him too. I don't want him to grow up different from others...yet I know he will. I don't want him to die early...yet I know that is a real possibility...and I am scared and sad (there, I said it).
When you lose a child, it hurts.