How the Grinch Restored Christmas

How the Grinch Restored Christmas

My son has entered his teenage years and thus, my wife and I are customarily becoming more “stupid” by the moment. We are also so intolerably “un-cool” that we must duck under the dashboard of our car and drive the last 1000 yards headless when we drop the little bugger off in front of the mall. We may reveal our hideous selves after the all-clear has been sounded and must drive away as fast as possible (or, at least, until we are begrudgingly summoned to pick him up again… undercover of course.) I have asked my son to be patient with us as we go through this period of “dorkiness” and assured him that by the time he reached his late 20’s we would become intelligent and reasonably less leprous once again.

But in spite of this awkward transformation, his old man still insists on celebrating Christmas in the most horrifying-to-a-teenager way; Traditional.

With age, so comes wisdom. And with the added incentive of having Sarcoidosis, so comes the wisdom of realizing that we must never take the magic of simple holiday moments for granted; and so I work extra hard to invoke the ghosts of my father’s traditions on Christmas. This is possibly the one eye opening gift that my Sarc has afforded me; dispelling the arrogance of perfect health and putting a value on living life.

As my son would deem impossible, I too understand how it feels to be 17 and bear the unbearable indignities of my own old man’s Christmas follies; The horror of having to stand there and die a thousand deaths as the old man haggled for the perfect tree. The stupid and irritating and totally unnecessary hassle of hanging lights around and on the house. The endless, foot-dragging nightmare of finding mom a gift… making sure to keep at least 10 yards distance behind my corny old man who always talked so damned loud in the store. And he never seemed to hear my very brief and concise replies to his stupid questions, always telling me to speak up. Ugh! Was he deaf?

The little mechanical Santa Claus came out of his box as he does every year. It doesn’t even look like a man, it looks like a cheap doll-head with a hokey nylon beard and made-in-china glasses of gold wire. Plug it in and his electric bulb “candle” comes to garish life. You can hear the motor inside as he turns this way and that, arm snapping into position until it moves back to smile stupidly. Dumb. Can we hide this abomination behind the sofa?

Who cares what dumb old box those ancient and mildew smelly Christmas records were hiding in… OH God… You’re not going to play them are you? My friends are coming over!

Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Celebration. Ray Coniff Christmas Party. Christmas Chimes and Hammond Organ. Bing Crosby and Friends Christmas Album. Sing Along with Mitch Miller Christmas Sing-A-long. I’m Dying over here dad… I’m dying. Surely my friends will think I’m the world’s biggest butthead if Andy Williams answers our door in a bear costume. I’m dying here.

Why do we have to watch all seven different Scrooges late into every evening? Surely there must be something better on TV? Look! Your favorite scrooge isn’t even in color! Look how stupid the special effects were then! Sooooo corny. And Pop, I have no idea why you get all misty watching that stupid It’s A Wonderful Life… I mean, you know how it ends… so what? What’s the big deal? No, I don’t want to watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas with you… again. Who is this Boris Karloff dude anyway? Oh alright… but I wanna go out with my friends later. Okay?

Do we have to go to church? I’m wearing jeans… oh, okay, I’ll put on a tie. But I’m not going to sing stupid carols. I slink into the "family" car and lie low, hoping not to be seen on this evening pilgrimage. Mortifying.

Well, its nighttime and the Christmas lights on the houses along the way are kind of cool. So are the candles in church… they let us hold candles and turned off all the other lights... I like the smell. That little baby is lying in a animal feeder…and all these important dudes are visiting him… and he’s going to change the world. How cool is that? The ride home is cozy and silent. It’s Christmas eve.

At home, the tree is the only light in the room.

Dad? Can I stay up and listen to some Christmas music for a while? Maybe it will snow? Maybe the Grinch is on TV.

The electric Santa whirs, turns and winks at me.

Now it winks at my son, as I catch him sitting alone, staring at our tree.

Merry Christmas to all... and to all, a good night.

— My name is theGardener; I have two dogs, a cat, and sarcoidosis.

"Don't just complain... Be a Snarky Sarkie!" Click Here!

Read More of TheGardener's Journal Here.

By mbeth059
Posted December 16, 2008 at 12:02 pm
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theGardener,
You are something else!! You REALLY do need to put all of your postings in a book. You're as good as it gets. You are an author!
Mbeth059

By shadowtoonces
Posted December 16, 2008 at 4:47 pm
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I agree with Mbeth, definatley have the talent to tell a story and keep the reader's attention. It's all so true too, I needed that laugh. Espcially with you guys "growing out of your dorkiness". That was a riot. And I really understand when you said that having this disease has taught to put value into life......I'm learning and appreciating so many new things that I thought I'd never care about, and it's stuff in life to care about. I guess it took getting run over by a semi truck of a disease to stop and see what's important....why do I always have to learn the hard way??...lol.........u all take care and always praying for my friends, Dawn

By granny07
Posted December 16, 2008 at 5:08 pm
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I have to say you are very good! That was wonderful and kept my attention. You have a way of bringing your readers into the story and that is a gift! Thank you.

By gonenatural
Posted December 16, 2008 at 5:54 pm
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Hi Gardener,

I was thinking of you yesterday. Nice to see you here posting us another great story.

I can remember my children saying some of those things and at Christmas last yr I shared among them vintage tree ornaments and the pretties they made me in school for the tree so they will have them for their tree. Now they ask for the silly music, even Celtic music. Anything as long as it is holiday stuff.

Thank you for sharing

By lpaige27
Posted December 16, 2008 at 10:45 pm
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Hi Gardener,
I was reading your posts and we have alot in common! I have a 15 year old son, (teenagers, we communicate through text messages because he doesn't want his friends to see him talking to me), I also have a mom with rheumatoid arthritis. I was even thinking the other day that sarcoid and rheumatoid arthritis might be really slow cancers because they act the same way just slower. My aunt had Sarcoid and died of cancer when she was 45 the docs didn't see it in her lungs because they thought they were looking at sarcoid, it grew fast, so fast they couldn't stop it by the time they figured out what it really was.

I have an angel on my tree, when my son was really little he looked at it and said, "Mommy, that angel is you, how did they make her look just like you!" The angel was so beautiful and I was kinda shocked that I was that beautiful to him. I know my son will always have that Christmas angel to remind him of me.

I hope you have a Very Merry Christmas!

Hugs,
Laura

By smilinginside
Posted December 17, 2008 at 2:08 am
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T G, all you have to add is the Leg Lamp from The Christmas Story movie (it gets my girls everytime) and you will be good to go.
I want to wish you and your family a very merry christmas. thank you for all perfect postings. be well!
eileen

By bigjoe
Posted December 17, 2008 at 8:29 am
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Gardener,

I needed that. It is a bit sad around here this Christmas because my grandson (soon to be 5) moved away with his parents to Ft. Bragg. My wife and I are trying to figure out how to do Christmas this year.

I have thought about trying to borrow a few little kids from church so I can read them books, get them some hot cocoa in a special cup, and of course sneak them candy when nanna isn't looking (I always got caught).

My mother loved Christmas and she passed it on to all of her children like some kind of "pleasant" plague. She would wake up at 4:00 am on Christmas morning, make coffee and stare at the tree. At about 5:00 am she couldn't stand it anymore and she would start ringing her Christmas Bell. We would get up and open presents. We were poor so there wasn't much, but we loved what we got.

We are trying to decorate and send cards between MRI's, CT scans and doctor visits. We don't want the Grinch in our house, so today I think I'll just kick his butt out.

Walking like an Old Man,

Joe

By Kennarina
Posted December 19, 2008 at 11:40 am
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Ah teenagers... you can't live with 'em and you can't kill 'em.....

My former Hell Child daughter (motto: 'Why Was I Cursed With You As My Mother?") will be 29 next month and - I can hardly believe this - is absolutely in love with me, thinks I am now the most wonderful mother ever, and phones me every day to chat about nothing in particular from her out-of-town home. Since my heart attack in May, she has been especially lovey-dovey in her charmingly goofy way - and last week announced that she and Mr. Sweetie are moving back here to her hometown in 2009 because she needs to live closer to her mother. What the ...?

Good luck, gardener, surving the teen years. They do get SO much better - if we don't strangle them first.

Kennarina (from the WomenHeart pages...)

By JanetGrant
Posted December 22, 2008 at 4:15 am
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Dearest TG,

I am as sentimental about Christmas as you are, however my husband is so very out of control that he starts making decoration and menu planning right after the 4th of July. Send your son up to spend Christmas with us and he will be back home in less than 24 hours.

NASA can see our home from the space station and the lights on the roof have only blown 3 times. We haven't blown the lights in the neighborhood yet, but the season is not yet over. The dogs are wondering why they need to learn how to at least hum "Jingle Bells."

I have finally realized after 13 1/2 years that I am married to the real, the one and the only - Clark Griswold!!! It's very funny and maddening all at the same time. There is a certain sweetness about it, but I do worry when he scales and trims our Queen palm trees. Yes, just like the Corona? beer commercial.

Merry Christmas to all... Love and Best Wishes... Janet

By Sscuff
Posted December 22, 2008 at 6:00 am
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Lovely writing TG you tell a story so well. I have no children so I can't relate totally with the Teenager/Parent relationship from that point of view.
However I too always go down the tradition route over the Christmas, myself and my man take the dogs for a walk Christmas Morning on the hunt for some fresh berried holly to decorate the table. It snowed Christmas Morning about four years ago and it was magical. When we return the TV is a no go area in favour of Nat King Cole, Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra and all the rest on the CD player as I prepare the Turkey and Veg for roasting. Watched closely by one of my dogs, who just cannot contain her excitement when she sees this enormous bird being placed in the oven. At this stage the Christmas pressies have been opened ( ripped apart at midnight the night before) and we make calls to our extended family, you can almost smell christmas in houses miles away. The ham is already baked and opened the night before ( Christmas Eve supper another tradition)
In the afternoon we sit down with friends and tuck into the biggest dinner of the year, the one you can never finish and the dogs lay at our feet making sure that what we don't finish is passed their way. Dessert is two choices of mothers pudding, the one from my mum, which I can never remember whether you add evaporated or condensed milk to and the other from his mum plum pudding and whipped cream. (yummy!)
After Dinner its back outside to feed the hens and Donkey's and get that lightheaded feeling brought on by a couple glasses of claret and the realisation that the evenings are beginning to get brighter again.
I don't have any teenagers to embarrass but if I did I am sure I would at this point, not so suitably attired, 40 yr old in black dress and fetching wellies, doing a dance in the field to welcome the new year!

Happy Christmas all, enjoy
s

By Bubs
Posted December 22, 2008 at 6:50 am
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Hee! you are on top form, and yes I do believe I know what you are talking about. I have a friend (yes I do have friends ) she has a wonderful saying to all parents of teenagers,"Don't you know that the pumpkin head only comes off after the age of 25". She cracks me up one of the funniest ladies I know.

We will be enjoying Christmas Eve with just my immediate family, my Mother and Niece who are visiting from South Africa. Changing tradition this year, as for the past 3 years we have had an open door for all who are on their own to join us on Christmas Eve. This Christmas Eve will be spent enjoying a cosy dinner which takes a couple of hours cooking ones own meal. A swiss meal called a Raclette. Much like a fondu ...same same but different. Hee! Rounds of good food wine and wonderful conversation.

My children are 19, 22 and 24 and its a gorgeous age all round. My beautiful daughter has just got engaged so the house hold is growing. We will be going to a midnight service for the first time in our church, coming home opening presents Yeah!!! blissful sleep and then only to rise early for the 9am service, yes we have to do that as my oldest is performing in the Christmas concert at our church.

We will then be hosting a lunch for a few families that are on their own this year with all the trimmings of Ham, chicken(yes I know not exactly turkey but we seem to enjoy the chicken more, and a roast Lamb followed by home made christmas ice cream cake, plumb pudding and a fruit plater. Boy i feel stuffed already, ha! pardon the pun (stuffed).

And to you my dear sarc friend, please have a wonderful festive Christmas with an even more blessed New Year to you and your family.

God Bless
Bubs

By SarcoidPrincess
Posted December 22, 2008 at 10:34 am
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Oh the life of raising teenagers I have three and I'm not sure I'm going to make it! My girls can stand to be seen with me but my son is just like you described for the most part. But when it comes to Christmas all hearts soften and we become children again! I love this time of year!

By kooks
Posted December 22, 2008 at 11:56 am
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Dear TG,
Those teenagers will get you every time, i wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

God Bless you and your family
Connie & Wayne

By lkay
Posted December 31, 2008 at 5:28 pm
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So I had to back up and read some of your previous posts - I've been AWOL a bit, having survived the heart attack, and the neuro missed the mark with the possible sarc dx for me and it turns out to be MS.

Your writing always brings a smile to my face and reflective thoughts to my lesion riddled brain. Thanks for continuing to share this gift with all of us.

Be well,
Laura
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