Disjointed Thoughts VI

Disjointed Thoughts VI

For the sixth time, I shall endeavor to dislodge the gritty biddies of my cerebral spackle; scraped, usurped, and shucked from the colon walls of my seething skull oyster; all unabashedly displayed here for you like some sideshow yellowed pickled punk or anti-depilatory lady of gastronomical girth. Viola! Merde de la journée! Bon appetite!

Sid and Marty Krofftosis
Unbeknownst to most of you; I had been enjoying a goodly long remission of symptoms for a long while and then, about three months ago an insidious return of symptoms had turned into a full-blown flare-up. Not a moment too soon, I might add, lest I forget I ever had Sarcoidosis at all… and we can’t have that can we. So over the last few weeks I had been cataloging which body parts were swelling in turn; chest nodes, ankles, sinuses, eyeballs, myocardial sack, speen, intestines, bladder, yadda, yadda. Until, at long last, I come to see my reflection is that of H. R. Pufnstuf, complete with double bags under my eyes, enlarged head, foam-rubber padding in every orafice, and scaly skin. All except for the good Mayor’s friendly southern disposition. Conversly, I feel the great urge to tell Jimmy where he can stick Freddy the Magic Flute. Where’s Witchiepoo and her Vroom Broom when you need her?


Shroomsville… Duuuude!
A recent post on our beloved site caught my interest and set me off on one of my spontaneous fact finding missions on the factless and unreliable internet. The subject was Reishi. Specifically Red Reishi. Even more specifically Língzhī (Ganoderma lucidum ) a bracket fungus (mushroom, to the rest of us) that has been used in traditional Chinese medicine for nigh over 4000 years. According to Shen Nong's Herbal Classic, a 2000-year old medicinal Chinese book considered today as the oldest book on oriental herbal medicine (because the Chinese really don’t consider anything younger than 1000 worth talking about) this mushroom is considered Number one in the Superior category of herbs with benefits and little or no side effects (This should not be confused with the Chinese American “one from column ‘A’ and one from column ‘B’) Good ol’ Shen didn’t screw around and he gave this half-a-frisbee shroom top billing in a book of thousands of curatives. It is renouned, among a myriad of other things, as an immune system ‘normalizer.’ And that specifically caught my eye, because we Sarkies need something to get our immune systems out of “Red Alert” mode and arrest the little @%#$ that keeps pulling the alarm. Thus, I ordered some dried whole Red Reishi Mushrooms from an (wait for it)…
Ooooooorgaaaaaaanic Mushroom Farm up in perpetually damp British Columbia. And, No, I did not accept the complimentary Hemp Man Bag and Hookah with my order.

According to popular lore, the mushrooms contain all kinds of beneficial chemical compounds that treat everything from AIDS to Herpes Zoster… But, while it might seem convenient to order dried, crushed, powdered, and capsulated Reishi for convenience, its worthless. Worthless because these miracle molecular Mardi Gras beads are locked up in a substance called chitin, and need to be either brewed (steeped in hot water) or coaxed out in alcohol (gin?) to release all their 4000 year old goodness. But either way, there is no denying the stuff will taste very very bitter. As mentioned, “like tasting black coffee for the first time.” So I decided to take the shroom shop’s advise and brew up a good gallon or two of the nasty tea and refrigerate it. Then I swallow it at will, holding my nose if necessary. If there is any noticeable difference in how I feel I will report it here. Anyone that reads my journal knows theGardener is very dubious of Patchouli Oil Sally’s Yasgur's Farm Re-Fried Herbal Cures and anyone like her. But, the Chinese have over a billion people running around… and you don’t get that with a sickly population eating Diet Coke or Red Bull for breakfast… so maybe. Maaaaay-beeeee… I’ll let you know (wink!)

theGardener’s Creamy Filling
So I promised you the tee-shirt story a while back, here it is: So there I am minding my own business, standing around aimlessly like the living dead in the particular purgatory that married men will recognize… waiting for my wife to ‘look at a few things’ in the unmentionables section of the local Wally Mart.

I am not very bright that morning because I have neglected to procure a shopping cart to lean on as I go slowly vegetative standing in the highly polished eisle. So I am forced to stand there, experimenting with several arm and hand positions that will give me an air of coolness and not the sad look of a ‘husband in tow on hold.’

Alas. There is no hiding the fact that any moment I might sway and fall over into the Technicolor sport bra display (bright colors and boobies... its like Fisher Price for Men) But just then, a pert young thing with pert young things of her own saunters by and gives me the eye… she broadens a smile and a bit of her tongue sticks out between her teeth. I am flattered, until I realize she is not looking and smiling at me, per say, but my shirt.

I was test driving one of the more obtuse of my Snarky Sarkie shirt designs, the one that reads, ”I have Sarcoidosis, that means I have a super secret special sauce that makes me ooooh so yummy-licious” This shirt was meant to be an obviously stupid answer to “what’s Sarcoidosis” because people seem to be more willing to listen to an outrageous answer than the actual truth. Regardless, when I realized she was reading it she looked me in the eye and said, “Secret sauce, eh?” I choked out something like, “Yes. Sarcoidosis, I um…Yes. It’s a disease.” She smiled and said, “Oh? Does it make you red?” I was confused, “Red?” And my mind raced through the list of symptoms, perplexed. Then she added, “You’re blushing.” And just then my wife took me by the arm, and said “Come on, Mr. Secret Sauce.” And the other lady just giggled as I was pulled away. I didn’t get the chance to explain Sarcoidosis properly… .and that seemed just fine and dandy with my wife. C’este la vie.

NEW Designs at Snarky Sarkie
There are a couple of NEW designs over at the Snarky Sarkie Sarcoidosis Awareness site. Here’s a few. Go check ‘em out. Try a few on, we need plenty of walking billboards to spread the word. Snarkihoozits indeed.





— My name is theGardener; I have two dogs, a cat, and sarcoidosis.

"Don't just complain... Be a Snarky Sarkie!" Click Here!

Read More of TheGardener's Journal Here.