"Baby, the Cat is Vibrating!"

"Baby, the Cat is Vibrating!"

As most of you will have noted from my signature sign off, my wife and I entertain two dogs, a cat and, of course, my Sarcoidosis. I originally phrased it like that to show the priority of the disease in my life; that I would give it no more attention than I would a family animal, and that there is more to me than my Sarcoidosis. I keep it at “pet” status, as to not permit it to knock over the garbage cans and pee on the floor of my life.

But today I want to talk about the infamous cat in that closing line. A few years ago my wife brought home a ratty, rescued kitten that had been runned over by a farm tractor, and left on the doorstep of a kindly veterinarian. Her heart went out to this little puffball of orange and white fuzz that was broken and kind of smelly. This is not unlike how she came to rescue me and I became owned by her (I even have my own box.)

An x-ray of this unfortunate feline will show a normal cat from nose to mid spine; after that, it looks like a jumble of toy building blocks thrown into in a burlap sack. The cat has no use of its hind legs and they are as twisted as Daniel Day Lewis’ My Left Foot. He has a some feeling back there; at least enough to know if his tail has been stepped on, but other than that, he’s not saying.

Fortunately, the cat is mostly continent and he has the run of the house, as it were. When he decides he wants to go from hither to thither; the cat just goes. All on the power of his front two legs, his rear-end, back legs, and tail dragging behind him. I wanted to name him Swiffer but my wife gave me a dirty look and decided to name him after Sinatra. Mostly we just call him “cat” or sometimes “half-cat.” Regardless, this little "idling-motor" has an unusual dog-like enthusiasm and none of the aloofness one usually associates with felines. If you call him, he will come running. And I do mean running; his upper arms and chest would make Schwarzenegger blush. Regardless, he keeps the floors nicely dusted.

And that is the point of this article. In spite of his injuries and incapacitations, the cat behaves as if he is not handicapped at all. Oh sure, some of you are saying to yourselves, “Well the poor little fellow, he grew up like that, his little peanut cat brain doesn’t understand” and you might be right. Ignorance is bliss. He has all but disregarded the notion that he is incapable and persists in activities that other cats do… often making me cringe in the process.

He will tear around the house at top speed, faster than you (with your two legs) could ever hope to catch. This is “bath-time” of course. When whipping around a corner, his other half will slide in a wide arc before catching up with the rest of him. He can claw his way up onto the bed, chair, or sofa, wherever he desires, with little effort. When you have arms like Arnold, its no sweat. And when decides its time to vacate the lofty roost and speed off for chow time; he flings himself off some pretty impressive heights and we all wince when his silent front paws, softly and catlike, lightly touch down; but his rear end comes crashing like a bag of bones. He seems no worse for wear.

The only special care he requires is he needs to be “pooped” and “peed” manually once in the evening. Without getting into the grizzly details; this involves a cotton-swab, some surgical lube, and some pressure on a little bladder. My wife handles this chore, thank you, because the cat seems to be horrified at the sight of me coming at him with a tube of K-Y Jelly.

This is part of the daily clockwork routine in the old theGardener homestead. The dogs are walked. The husband is shaved. The cat needs to be squeezed. But as in all things, sometimes the routine is broken, and you will hear my voice calling throughout the house, “Baby! The cat is vibrating!”

On occasion, Swiffer will not wait for the joy of a good lube job, and cannot contain his colon-astic exuberance. This is always heralded by his back legs vibrating loudly against the floor. The sound is unmistakable. It means poop. The cat is happy to deliver on his promise as he goes sliding by; not a care in the world. His front-end synapsis is entirely unaware of what his back-end synapsis is doing.

I like that. I take a great life lesson from Half-Cat. Most especially when I become despondent about my Sarcoidosis symptoms. While some have been debilitating at times; there are some that are more disheartening than immobilizing. And sometimes, when I am more disabled by my worry or my grief for the “old me” than by my actual disease, the cat will slide by.

He slides by with all the cat-coolness and cat-deftness that his bashed up little body can muster. Unapologetic. Motivated. Emotionally unhindered. Chasing life with dignity and gusto! Unconcerned that at any time his butt might explode. I have learned a lot from that cat. And more than once his example has motivated me to slide my own ass out of my inactivity and go out and join the living world.

Except that my legs don’t vibrate. Well, maybe… sometimes.

— My name is theGardener; I have two dogs, a cat (that vibrates), and sarcoidosis.

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By KeithB_S-A-S
Posted January 13, 2009 at 6:52 am
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Excellent and very well put. We had a deaf, blind and sneezing cat until recently when we decided that enough was enough, but whilst he was enjoying life and grinding his little motor he was a happy little soul as long as he had his lap, fuss & food, not necessarily at the same time.

My time with sarcoidosis has just pushed me to do more and more I can for others. Luckily I have a wife who is my driver, organiser and memory bank.

Keifs

By akgirl1
Posted January 13, 2009 at 11:23 am
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having spent another sleepness night and starting my morning I ran across your post for the day. I can't say thank you enough, and feel as if you wrote it for me this morning. I was feeling a bit blue on my way to yet another doctor appt., this morning and not too happy about the double digit below zero temperature outside. You made me laugh and made me smile, and that is a wonderful morning gift! Keep on keeping on. Have a great day!

By Teacherteacher
Posted January 13, 2009 at 12:51 pm
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I can always find one of your journals to target the mood I'm in. This one is another major winner. Thanks so much for sharing your talents!
TT

By lpaige27
Posted January 13, 2009 at 1:52 pm
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Hi TG,
That post is hilarious and so true!! When my son was 7 months old he had to have surgery and have a testicle removed. When we arrived home from the hospital he was up and walking!! I called the doctor and told him that he was walking, the doctor said don't let him walk and don't put any straps on him. I thought it was amazing that at 7 months old with a recently removed testicle and a brand new circumcision my son was up and walking. My husband would still be in bed crying!!!

I try to live my life like that very strong baby!!

Hugs,
Laura

By Sarcasma40
Posted January 13, 2009 at 5:31 pm
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I smell what your cookin Gardener and your delivery is excellent!
I sat here crying to you all this morning because I had to go see the doc today, always dreadful. So pouring tears and having a pity party for myself, I read, Baby the cat is vibrating." HILARIOUS and brilliant!!! May I copy this and send to my best friend of 20 years? When I had my heart attack and surgery, she dropped everything and ran to my side. Six weeks later I dropped everything and ran to her side as she was diagnosed with MS, (we were both barely 38 at the time). Like the rest of us, there are days she can't get up, sometimes because her legs won't work and sometimes because the feeling of imbending doom is so intense it's crippling. Oh and her organs have vibrated for three days and she just can't mentally ignore it anymore.
Thank you for the genuine laughter your story brought me today. I know my friend would receive the lesson and appreciate the humor as well.
God bless halfcat, he/she should be our mascot!

By tonyad
Posted January 13, 2009 at 6:28 pm
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Gardner,

I have to say, the title certainly got my attention :)
Nice story. And God bless 'Half-Cat'.

Also, let me add for those who have not seen 'My Left Foot', it was an excellent movie. Good taste Gardner!
Take Care,
~Tonya

By daverojo77
Posted January 13, 2009 at 7:33 pm
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Dude why are you making me laugh? Poor Kitty man!

Honestly your stuff keeps getting better and this is one of my favorite.

We could all take a lesson from "Half Cat"!

YOooU... Your good YOU!

By ckgoduto
Posted January 13, 2009 at 8:05 pm
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Hats off to your wife for adopting this poor little kitty. He never would have had a chance otherwise. I 'd like to give you credit were credit is due. Your absolutely sweet people to put up with this cat's daily routines.

I once had a cat a long time ago and at age 9 he had something happen (most likely a blood clot throw) and he ended up like your kitty, but he was yelping in pain and the vet said he'd be better off put down which we so unwillingly did.

I am a cat mother of 5 cats currently and love the all.

CatLady5

By SarcoidPrincess
Posted January 13, 2009 at 8:58 pm
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I feel so guilty for being in fits of laughter right now! But thank you so much! SWIFFER I love it! I'd call him Swiffer thats it! God Bless that cat and you and your wife! And Vibrating!!!! LOL LOL I can't take it LOL LOL!
But seriously I really needed the comedic break I really did! I'm having an MRCP saturday morning and dude I'm scared I just am. This is my favorite of all time it really is! Thank you so much!

By 4mom56
Posted January 14, 2009 at 8:59 am
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Good Morning,
I laughed so hard when I saw that you wanted to name this little kitty "Swiffer", I was thinking that was perfect. Unlike my hubby who wanted to name our little bunny "Stew"...somehow I thought that name would tramatize the little kiddies, lol!

By sculptr
Posted January 14, 2009 at 10:08 am
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My awful day has just become quite bright. Thank you for a wonderful post. And if your wife ever tires of you I bet all the women here (and some men probably) would bring you home in a second - heck, you could even have TWO boxes!

By mamaellie
Posted January 14, 2009 at 10:09 am
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You are a great writer! Thank you for your delightful
elegany turn of phrase. Swiffer is such a great name for you kitty but Stew for bunny really is too much. I have a pioness parrot who I "threaten" into turning into a chicken kiev. NOT

By renadelrio
Posted January 14, 2009 at 6:38 pm
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Once again you have made me laugh and think. I now have joint pain as a symptom of my sacroid and am back on the mighty Prednisone and just started Methotrexate today. But instead of worrying I now have a image of your cat in my head carrying on with life in style and am off to the swimming pool where my joints don't hurt as much. Thanks

By careh
Posted January 15, 2009 at 1:31 am
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Dear Gardener...as a cat lover (my beloved Earl Gray is pictured here with me,) I really enjoyed reading this! You guys are great for taking such good care of a special needs kitty! God Bless!!
Carolyn

By quiltmess
Posted January 15, 2009 at 11:28 am
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LOved your cat story!!! Thank you for giving us hope. Some of us try real hard to forget we have Sarcoid and run faster than we should at times!!! Keep giving us updates on Swifter!

Welcome to Inspire!

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