Nothing to do with my health, but I am STRESSED OUT!

I really need to vent. My boyfriend and I have been together over four years, and known each other for eight. We've always had our ups and downs as any relationship does.

Things got really stressful when my health starting acting up a few months ago. I know it's not easy for him to deal with me crying all the time and being extra irritable. But I want to scream at him sometimes "IT'S MY BODY GOING THROUGH THIS, NOT YOURS!!"

So, I've been doing what I can to keep my hormonal mood swings under control.... until Christmas. He elected not to go to my family XMas with my dad's side of the family, just because he was in a bad mood. On Xmas Eve, he didn't go to my mom's side of the family either. He has never met my grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins.... I try to overlook it, but it's really starting to get to me. I just don't know how to address the issue. Usually when I vent concerns, he just goes in the bedroom and closes the door.

For New Years, he had a great idea that we should spend the long weekend in Traverse City (about 3 hrs from home). My dad and stepmom, my sister, her husband and their brood of kids are all up there visiting. I also have other members of my family that live up there. Now that I'm all excited and can't wait to go, I think he's gonna bail again.

This is bad enough until I was on the web the other night and noticed that he visited like 12 different adult websites. Not to mention Craig's List and some other website that could be a dating website. I need to do more investigating, but I don't know how to handle this.

I've been cheated on by every man I have ever been with. The thought that he could be just like the rest is driving me nuts. I'm trying to tell myself that I'm just jumping to conclusions, but I'm having a hard time with that.

I don't know what to do...... HELP!

By FrustratedJulie
Posted December 31, 2008 at 9:36 am
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It is a difficult situation I think many women, and probably men too, have been through. In my experience all I can say is that you have to trust your gut.

I hope everything works out for you. In the end you are better off to find out he is not the right man for you before you are married, so that is at least a plus.

And remember no matter what you deserve to be treated well and have your feelings valued and he should do things even when he does not want to just because you want to ... that's love ... give and take!

Happy New Year! Wishing you clarity and peace!

By ShaundraNCCC-AZ
Posted December 31, 2008 at 2:14 pm
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Oh honey. Even though I'm in AZ now, I grew up in Okemos and also have family in T.C.

It sounds like you know what you need to do with the boyfriend but you want us to either 1. talk you out of leaving him or 2. confirm your suspicions.

Trust your gut. It's the only thing that is going to look out for you. Because it's obvous your boyfriend won't. It's clear you've talked yourself in sticking it out for a few years too long - don't waste any more of your prescious time. Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us and is the PERFECT time for you to get your priorities straight in your life.
Don't dwell on how the past didn't work out, make your FUTURE a bright light for all to see! We're all behind you :-) (hugs)
Shaundra

By bevvy
Posted January 1, 2009 at 5:53 pm
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I know how you feel. My ex Joe left me for a german girl. He had promised his love and we'd be together for ever, blah, blah, blah. He told me he would tell me first if he wasn't happy or wanted to move on.... yeah, right. I was so stupid to believe him. I'm tired of trusting and getting kicked to the curb. I've been cheated on before but this time really hit me hard. I opened my heart and my life and this is what I deserve? He's happy with someone else and I'm broken hearted because I believed in someone. They're all the same, they only care about themselves and their feelings.

By dizzybee
Posted January 1, 2009 at 8:05 pm
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My hubby & I have been together for 25 years. We have our ups & downs too.

Most men want to fix things. They get very frustrated when they can't fix their loved one. This in turn, can cause them to look outside the relationship for some kind of emotional support or other.

My suggestion is to talk to him. just ask him what he is feeling about your illness. He probably feels as though his hands are tied and doesn't know where to go from here and feels the same about your relationship.

But remind him that he cannot define you by your illness. You are the same girl he fell in love with. Would he walk out on his mom if something like this happened to her? (If he is, he doesn't deserve you anyway!).

My hubby gets tired of it too, the constant doctor trips, not understanding what the hell I'm talking about, etc. So I try my best to educate him in terms that he can understand. He usually goes to many if not all my appts with me, so he listens to the doc to and asks questions if he doesn't understand. That has helped alot.

I feel your pain sweetie, but I know you are a strong young woman, you will overcome this whatever the outcome is.

By csmp
Posted January 1, 2009 at 8:41 pm
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Too words- Dear Abby. Seriously she has check lists to help you decide if this is the kind of relationship you can ever be happy in. There are many sites that can help you with relationship information.
Now to get personal.
It is "too easy" to keep a relationship that isn't so great because we all know many who have it so much worse.
Do you have a true connection to this man? Do you understand him? Does he understand you? Not all the time but enough that you realize it and appreciate it.
Does he participate willingly in your life and enjoy it? Do you in his?
Are you two "living life together" or are you just living together?
I hope that you don't wait too much longer to decide if this relationship is what you want for the rest of your life. People can change with a lot of counseling, but if you don't have children together already get marriage counceling, if you do get family counseling. If he won't go get personal counseling. Then you can get the help and support you need to create the life you want with him or without him. If you can't afford it check with help agencys and churches.
If he isn't really committed to you maybe he is just "hanging on" to you until he finds what he does want. Have you asked him what he wants? Have you told him what you want?
Times are tough enough. Give yourself a break and find a way to have a happy life.
Take your "hormonal problem" to your physician. Let him decide what the cause is. Unhappiness can cause all kinds of physical problems just as hormonal problems can. The stress of this relationship could be making you ill.
Eight years is a long time to know each other. Long enough for you to know if these problems have been here all along or are they new and possibly temporary? Don't wait to change things until the life you want to have isn't possible because of health, or age, or finances. We are all only one heartbeat away from forever and this may be the only time you have to find the happiness you want.
Pray about this. Whether you believe or not God hears you.
I know that you just wanted to vent. Let it all out until you just can't tell it one more time. A journal is best for that. You can yell out what frustrates you in it and it will never get thrown back in your face. Then change something in your life to keep you from getting so upset all the time.
Been there, done this, have the teeshirt, made my choices and found out how to live with them. It only took over 24 years. I wish someone had told me this sooner.

By ddn82005
Posted January 2, 2009 at 7:04 am
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Hey Girl,

It sounds like your dating my ex... No not really, but this guy sounds just like my ex. It took me years to realize I needed to get rid of him. I did. But you explain the exact way he was... His way or no way. Suspicions of cheating. I had those suspicions and ended up mine were right.. You do what you think is best for you. It sounds like you can do a lot better than him. I very much agree with FrustratedJulie, Trust your gut.. I have also noticed over the years. Women's intuition is just about always right. Good Luck. I hope that you can talk to him

By terpgirl
Posted January 2, 2009 at 11:45 pm
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Ladies,

I don't know what to say, except thank you for your support. We're in TC now, heading home in the morning.

He seems to be somewhat back to "normal," but I'm not sure what's going on there. I still don't completely trust him. I've been hurt too many times and I don't think I could ever completely trust anyone.

For the moment, knowing the feelings I'm having, I'm not ready to leave at this point. I know it sounds silly, it's just not time yet. However, I'm watching things very closely. Maybe I have let things slide in the past. Those days are gone. There are times where I just bit my tongue in an argument. Not anymore. I am an active part in this relationship now. He can take it or leave it.

As far as the websites go, it's only for visual purposes (if you get my drift). Our sex life hasn't been the same since my hormones did a big 180. But if I get any concrete info that it's more than just watching a video, I'm not tolerating it.

I'm not my sister. I refuse to let it happen to me over and over like she has.

Thanks again. I'll keep everyone posted.

By sapphkat
Posted January 3, 2009 at 12:19 am
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Well I felt better after reading all those posts.. I too think you are dating my ex. Whenever we disagreed he would threaten to leave or go into the bedroom and close the door. Then I would apologize. As for the adult websites, I was lucky or unlucky enough to find an ad he had actually posted on Craig's List looking for sex.. WTF?

Know that you are not alone. Talk to him and if you aren't happy with how things are or he won't talk to you, maybe decide whether you are getting enough out of this relationship. It is really hard to end things and move forward, especially when you're going through cervical abnormalities. But sometimes you have to put yourself first. It sounds like the relationship is entirely on his terms.. and that is frustrating.

Good luck. I know we've all posted our views on your relationship, hopefully you don't think we have overstepped. Do what is right for you. Put yourself first.

By Sandra1970
Posted January 3, 2009 at 12:53 pm
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Hi, I've gone through this with my husband. I started snooping after I found some stuff on the computer. After I realized I had been seeing the signs all along just ignoring them. Trust your instincts. I don't think my husband ever cheated on me but I'm not 100% sure. I told him if I ever found out he cheated on me that would be the end of our marriage. I am still having trust issues. I still find things on the computer. I also worry about my children seeing the stuff. Talking about the issue doesn't help either because he still does it. You deserve to be treated better.

By mebrn1
Posted January 4, 2009 at 8:50 pm
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Sandra1970,
I also found stuff on my computer, where my husband had ACTUALLY JOINED one of those "adult friend" finding sites. He said that it was only to read the stories on the site. At any rate, over the last several years I had sort of started to trust him again. I still check loads of things without him knowing about it, and I hate being sneaky, but a girl's gotta look out for herself! So I can relate to terpgirl too, he manufactured reasons to not go places with me sometimes. Since we have gotten marriage counseling, we talk more about what we need from each other, and now are not talking about divorce anymore.
I don't sugar coat anything anymore with him, and I tell him exactly how I feel about something he's said or done to hurt me. (Meaning, I no longer sit still and 'take it' when he thinks I will not defend my feelings.)

By OneSmartAleck
Posted January 5, 2009 at 8:33 pm
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I might take a big step back and do my own thing without him. Allow him to come back to you. Let yourself become aloof. Never vent chick stuff to a guy. They just don't get it. Unless he's a gay friend. Don't pick at the stuff he's doing wrong, but respond to the good things.

Go to the web site by Christian Carter. He writes about what women should do in these type of situations.
Hang in there sister , keep in touch, let us know how it's going.

By 2plus1not3
Posted January 6, 2009 at 8:31 am
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Ok ladies, take one step back and consider why he may be doing this for a second. The fact that he went to T.C. is good and I have no problem with my man watching videos - he can't get his appetitte where he wants as long as he is Home for dinner --- you know what I mean. Anyway, perhaps he really loves you a lot but seeing you sick scares the hell out of him and he feels helpless as to what he can do. It is obvious to us, just be there but some men can't do that. He may be 'distancing' himself so he does not get hurt. It may be hard for him to see you around family as they are more supportive then he is and it bothers him. Or he is afraid your health will be mentioned at family togetherness and he does not want to talk about it....selfish maybe but his coping mechanism none the less. This was how my husband felt when I was 'doctor hunting' for answers. When I brought him along to talk with the docs he felt better. I was able to talk to my mom easier becuase she was a nurse so some of the terms were just over his head. It is hard to watch the ones you love get sick, Talk to him.

Good luck hon! And stressed out even if not about your health will affect your health so be careful.

By terpgirl
Posted January 19, 2009 at 3:50 pm
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OneSmartAleck and 2plus1not3,

Thank you so much for your advice. What everyone has been saying was very valid. I took the aloof road. I wanted to see if he was actually paying attention. Apparently, he was. We seem to be on track again. All of this after I finally started getting treatment for PCOS. Honestly, it seems that the fertility issues I'm facing finally made him realize it was time to step up, be a man, and support me. I know it sounds silly, but I'll take it. At least something did the trick.

As far as his internet wanderings go, I haven't stopped snooping. He's only been watching videos. I don't have a problem with that... Sometimes, it can make things interesting. As far as the dating site goes, no sign of it since that one time. I may be choosing to be naive, but hopefully it was just a one-time thing.

Thanks again. I'll keep everyone posted. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one this crap happens to.

By 2plus1not3
Posted January 19, 2009 at 4:17 pm
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Hey Terp,

I didn't realize you were a PCOSer - I am too. Good luck with the treatments - they are tough to get use to at the start but give it time and you will love the improvements once they kick in. What do they have you on, I have had great success with Metformin. Still have fertility issues but that is more due to other issues that they found.

By smilingchick
Posted March 14, 2009 at 11:12 am
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Hi,

I was married for 10 years when my then husband left just a few days after I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

My life lesson learned...When words and actions don't line up - actions tell the truth.

Good luck to you.

By DarsMax
Posted March 16, 2009 at 2:12 pm
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I think in this situation you don't want to be stressing about what he is doing because that will just make it happen more. The more you concentrate on the negative things the more they will appear. (The Secret) Rather turn the other way, don't bother snooping on him, because there will always be something to find and it could either be completely innocent or he is a dog. If he is a dog, snooping will only make it worse for you, and ultimately you two will break up. Don't beat yourself up until that happens because if it is going to happen, then it will happen anyway. Instead step back from what he is doing, and do your own thing. Get something going with girlfriends, and have a life of your own that doesn't include him and that way if you do end up breaking up, you won't be so devasted with no life of your own. But probably what that behaviour will do is show him that you don't need him and that he is fortunate to be able to be with you. THAT is what you want him thinking. Otherwise they will always look for something better, the greener grass. Most guys I know have to find something to go to before they leave what they got because they can't stand to be alone. Let him know that being alone is not something that scares you and that if he is not going to be a true life partner that you may need to move on and be available when your true soul mate comes along. That will probably shake him up so bad at the thought of losing you that he will smarten right up. As for the web stuff, when you do discuss it with him, do it with the attitude that the computer is a 'family' computer and you don't want inappropriate materials being accessed on it because the cookies will be there and then could pop back up anytime the children are on the computer.
You can remove that worry though by deleting the temporary internet files. You can also see what he is up to by viewing those files before deleting them, but I don't recommend that as it can turn you into being obsessed with what he is up to, and your imagination will just run wild. You are better off concentrating on the his good points and if you trust him then just keep trusting him, and don't worry about the harmless stuff. However you must protect your children for sure. Hope this helps, and I agree with the lady who recommended the Christian Carter stuff, just google him and you will see what she means. Concentrate on enjoying your life and don't allow yourself to be consumed by anyone else.

By mtjs13
Posted April 11, 2009 at 11:02 am
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Instead of blaming the guy for everything, have you been to a doctor to check out why your hormones are so out of balance? You can change the other person, but you can change yourself. Sometimes the answer is right under your nose.

Welcome to Inspire!

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