Ever feel totally helpless?

Well. Not only do I have all the problems I fight and deal with every day, while trying to keep an upbeat outlook, but now there's something new. I moved in with my parents about six months ago, because my mother worried about me being alone, and said my depression seemed to be getting worse. It was. Anyway, my father has dementia and it's a TON of work for Mother, so we have been helping each other out.

A couple of months ago, Mother began to complain of her back hurting super bad. Doctor, referral, doctor, test, doctor, MRI, doctor, referral, doctor, cat scan, chiropractor.......

She can hardly walk, and seems to be getting really, really weak. So, a week ago today she comes to me and says that her hands and feet are really numb, and she think's she's having a heart attack. I jump up, call 911 and have her taken to the hospital. Where she is not having a heart attack, thank goodness! but she does have all kinds of other stuff, the main one being a growth in the lower quadrant of her right lung. She smoked for 50 some odd years, quit two years ago when she was diagnosed with emphysema (sp) because she didnt want to have to live the rest of her life on oxygen.

Ok...now....the doc's now say that she probably had this tumor 2 years ago.....WHY WASN'T IT FOUND THEN????? Now she has lung cancer, which some totally uncompassionate oncologist that no one but mother has met told her about at 10 one night in the hospital. No one there with my 73 year old, scared momma, and this doc's all like, well the tumor is malignant. grrrrrrrrrrr. She was all alone all night with this info, called me and my sister the next day wanting us to be there together, which didnt work out, so she could tell us both together.

I'm exhausted, my heart is fluttering off and on, but I've not been shocked as of yet. You can tell by looking at me that I feel terrible, and it's hard to hide from your momma. She told me to stop coming up there, and call someone to come stay with my dad. WHO??? My sister has to work, I can just see him now with some home health nurse that he doesn't know, that would go over like the proverbial lead balloon.

Then the topper, the night after the oncologist told Mother she has lung cancer, she has a "mild" heart attack and they move her to the ICU. She's had one before, she thinks it was back when I was so sick and they told her to get my children in there because I would not make it through the night. Doctor's can be, well,... ummm..... I'm sure y'all can probably think up a few adjectives yourselves. :-)

So today, just about 3 hours ago, they call my sis from the hospital, saying they are moving Mother out of ICU. She's been doing much better the last couple of days. Give us a room number and whatnot. 30 minutes ago, my sister calls me back, she's had a set back and they are moving BACK to ICU. I'm screaming here.......

Thanks journal...and everyone else who might happen to see this for listening. Off to find the cancer groups here on Inspire....

By tarzan
Posted June 4, 2009 at 12:56 am
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Mery, I'm so sorry you're going thru all this stress right now, and I feel bad about your momma.... I do not blame you for being upset, they never should have told her like that with no one else being there. One of the first things cancer support groups will tell you, is to always have someone else with the patient at all doctor meetings. Often times there is just too much to absorb and someone needs to take notes.....

A cancer diagnosis is bad, but it does get better when a plan of action is decided on. Once they can get your mom started on the right treatment, chemo, radiation, etc., and give her an idea of what's ahead of her, she will feel better and so will you and your sis.....

I know it's hard to consider someone else taking care of your Dad for now, but it might necessary so that you can be with your mom.....she really should not be going thru this alone. Hospice for your Dad might be something you could look at - they do try to send people that are compatible..... another guy perhaps to just set with him while you're with Mom? It would not have to be a medical nurse unless he needs medications at particular times of the day.

Something else - If you're not happy with the oncologist that is taking care of your Mom, please look for another one.......it's very important that all of you be comfortable with him as you'll be working with him for some time to come and you have to have trust that he's doing right by her.

Good luck with all of it, and please vent when you need too - you've got a lot on your plate right now and you don't need to go thru it alone....... love tarzan

By Brianne
Posted June 4, 2009 at 1:00 am
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Mery,
I'm so incredibly sorry to hear of all that you are currently dealing with in your life. Being a fellow SCA survivor and also living with Long QT I can understand your pain but can only imagine how difficult it must be to have so much happening at once. My heart goes out to you and your family. And although I don't know you personally or have any profound words of wisdom... I just want you to know that you will be in my thoughts and I pray that things look up very quickly for you and your family!
Hugs Brianne

By heartgoddess
Posted June 4, 2009 at 6:09 am
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Wow, That is really awful. I am so sorry about your momma and your dad, that is a lot to deal with if you are completely healthy--never mind dealing with it with heart issues. You must feel overwhelmed!

I am concerned about the depression you mentioned at the beginning of your post. Please talk with your doctor about adjusting medication if you are taking anything for depression--you need to take care of yourself before anyone else, otherwise you won't be able to help anyone. Please let us know how you are--I am astounded at how much others are coping with!

By Kennarina
Posted June 4, 2009 at 9:07 am
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You are trying to juggle so many responsibilities here - both parents needing care. It's such an overwhelming burden.

I too agree with heartgoddess about your depression. You simply cannot take care of anybody else - not your father, not your mother, nobody! - if you do not first and foremost take care of yourself first. You need to see your own doc immediately for a re-assessment of your own depression and treatment. And please look into immediately getting support for your Dad at home. Now is the not the time to be a hero. You will need every bit of stamina and strength you have to cope with what lies ahead in the coming weeks and months.

There are many reasons the lung tumor was not found two years ago. Very few, if any, malignant tumors spring to life fully formed. Most take months or years to slowly grow to the size where they are even detectable. Do not spend one more nanosecond fretting over why this wasn't caught earlier. It was not caught earlier because it wasn't. Period.

The progress of lung cancer is not predictable. Your mother will have setbacks, right after she seems to be improving. It's the nature of the illness. At her age, and most importantly with her 50-year smoking history, nothing that happens from now on is really surprising. It's certainlyh not easy for you and your family to bear, but this cannot really be a surprise.

It's very common during severe family crises like these to 'blame the messenger' - to focus your anger and resentment and fear on the doctors who say the wrong thing or the nurses who don't do things well enough or fast enough, or the 'system' that is now dictating your mother's challenging journey completely beyond your control. It's not 'the system's' fault. As Buddhists say, 'what is, is'...

It's a scary, helpless time for you - which is why, although this may sound impossible, you need to be taking extra-good care of yourself. And it sounds like you have at least one sister in the picture, which means you do not have to do all of this single-handedly.

Good luck to you,
XOXOXO

http://www.myheartsisters.org

By Rose
Posted June 4, 2009 at 9:48 am
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I agree with the other ladies, you need to take care of yourself. You are dealing with so much that you will be run down before you know it. You have a sister, she can help. Just because she works doesn't excuse her from her responsibility to help. If she has no health problems she should take the lead and you be the helper.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Warm Regards,

Rose

By mariecee
Posted June 4, 2009 at 10:44 am
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So sorry to hear of all your problems. Sounds like they would be overwhelming for anyone. Please take care of yourself first so you can be there for your parents. Also please think about calling Alzheimer foundation or Hospice for help with your Dad. They are both great and have been very helpful to some of the people that I know.

By Winglover
Posted June 4, 2009 at 3:28 pm
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I too am truly sorry you are experiencing so much stress all at once. It comes from all sides sometimes. You are living my life of last year, although I do not have any heart problems myself. My father did and was admitted to the ICU numerous times over a five month span before he finally passed. Each time he got even remotely better they were eager to send him home with me, and before that could happen he was back in the unit. It was like a yo-yo. No help from my only brother, it fell on me. Meanwhile my kids raised themselves and I took a leave from my job. It was a tremendous stress on me. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you with all of your health issues. Please take time to take care of you! You cannot take care of your parents if your own health declines. Have a talk with your sister and be honest. I did not want to confront my brother and took it all on myself. Shortly after my Dad passed my son was diagnosed with Dilated Cardiomyopathy and profound heart failure. How did I miss that?! Busy taking care of Dad. There I was back in the ICU again with him this time. Realize while your Mom is in the hospital that she does have people caring for her 24/7. So look after yourself while she is there. Ask your local Senior Center if they know of any older folks who would be willing to come and sit with your Dad. Many of them are looking for things to do to help out. Also speak with your Mom's social worker or case manager and explain your dilemma. They may have some ideas for you as well. Good Luck!

By arizona1
Posted June 5, 2009 at 12:20 am
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Do what is best for you. Even though your family is very important to you, you must take care of you at this time. Sometimes you have to be selfish for everyone's own good. This may be the time.

Kathi

By lvfrogs
Posted June 5, 2009 at 6:37 am
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Wow, you are going through so much. I do think, like the others, that you need help for your dad, either from the senior center, hospice, or the Alzheimer's foundation. Please take the time to call and get some help. It will be worth it for you. If you belong to a local church, you could also call there and ask for help. It is ok to ask for help when you need it. You are dealing with 3 separate issues and all of you need attention. You need to take care of yourself first, so that you can deal with your family. I too, believe, that your sister can help more. Even if she works, she can make phone calls, she could cook meals for you all, etc. There is alot she can do and take off of you. I hope you get some help. Also, please get another oncologist if you truly are not comfortable with this one. That was terrible what he did. Some doctors suck at bedside manners/office visits, but there is no excuse for what he did. I am sorry to hear about that.
Sending you a big hug,
Colleen

By mery
Posted June 10, 2009 at 8:20 pm
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Thank you all for your replies and good sense. Mother seems to be better (again), although still in the ICU. Physical therapy is working with her, and she can sit up in a chair for a few hours. All good signs. I haven't talked to the Oncologist again, yes we finally met her, but I do know they cant/wont start the chemo or radiation while she's still so weak.

I met a wonderful woman in the ICU waiting room, and wouldn't you know it? She's a retired RN and now does sitting with people. She was there to visit a patient of hers. She seems really sweet and caring, gave me and my sister a card, so we will probably call her when we get to needing that sort of help more often. Which probably wont be to much longer.

I am feeling somewhat better, and yes I'm on 40mg Prozac every day. I hate to think what I might feel like without it! I have one of those machine thingy's that check your ICD at home, and yesterday was a check day for me. The nurse called this morning saying I had a few "episodes", but that everything looked pretty good. I spoke with her for awhile, and am going to see my EP next week, just to be sure all is well and have the device interrogated there in the office. It's been 5 1/2 years, and my battery is getting low, but not yet to the replacement stage, so says the tech. :-)

Anyway, thanks again for all the love and support.

Welcome to Inspire!

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