Fear I'll Drop Dead

I know this topic has been discussed numerous times but I'm writing to see if it might help.

Since this morning, I've had discomfort on my left side, near the ribs. It isn't constant. Nitro does very little. Antacids help a bit. Xanax helps a bit. But I'm so tired of being afraid all the time and thinking that I'm going to drop dead. Being anxious makes this feeling worse.

How can I tell the difference between angina, gas, having a heart attack and just holding myself too rigidly? I'm so scared. I've said I don't want to die or just survive - I wanted to LIVE. Now I just want to survive.

I've spoken to the dr and a few other medical people and they just say if it gets worse, to go to the hospital. I don't know if I have the nerve to go through this again. You must all be such amazing women to handle what has happened to you - I see it in your writing.

This fear is indescribable to anyone who hasn't experienced it. I see my cardiologist this week and am going to tell her about all this. It seems like all I feel is fear. Hope this doesn't sound like self-pity; I try to be honest.

By joy2day
Posted June 15, 2009 at 9:05 pm
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The reason that it is so hard to distinguish between cardiac, respiratory and stomach pain is because all those nerves get bundled together up through our chest heading for the brain .... That is why the medical people are telling you to head for the hospital if it gets worse. It is hard for anyone to distinguish based solely on pain .... so it is safest to assume the pain is from the most serious which is cardiac pain.

Add to that your newly acquired heightened sensitivity to EVERY twinge in your upper body. Pains you never noticed before now LEAP out at you ....

I just had an appt with my cardiologist, and he asked me if I ever noticed flutters or palpatations as I resting in bed. As I thought about it, I recognized that I am finally at the point where I don't really concentrate on my heart anymore. It took 2 years but I (mostly) just go about my life.

Yes, we are amazing women who are choosing to respond to our health crisis in positive ways. And -- lonewolf7 -- you are amazing because you are on this journey too. You found us, you are reaching out and sharing your fear and pain .... in a search for emotional healing

By grace5
Posted June 16, 2009 at 4:02 am
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Your experience is similar to mine, I thought I was as healthy as anyone could be until I got heartburn that wouldn't go away, and ended up with a stent and the possibility of another one, which didn't happen by the way. My cardio asked me if anything was worrying me, I said 'dropping dead'. He told me I had a 4% chance of another heart attack in the next year, which meant I had a 96% chance of not having one. (I don't know how true that was, but it helped!)
You had your MI in March, it's only June, you're still trying to get your mind to accept it, it's a horrible nasty shock.
I'm two and a half years along and like Joy my heart is no longer in the forefront of my mind.
I'll never forget the way I tortured myself with thoughts of what I'd miss if I died and frankly I expected each night to be my last, it was horrible. Anyway, I realised after my first visit with the cardio that I wasn't living at all, that I had to switch my dark thoughts away from myself, I had to stop dwelling on death. Looking around at all the scurrying people busy getting on with their lives I knew I had to jump back in and stop watching from a distance, none of these people had any idea of when their time was up either, no more then I had. IF my life was going to end abruptly, did I want my last days to be full of misery and fear? What if I was going to live for years and years? Did I want every day to be spent just waiting and expecting to die?
Having a heart attack was a wake up call, that day could have been my last, but it wasn't, I want to go to bed every night thinking, I had a lovely day and I hope tomorrow will be the same, if it was a lousy day I'll hope tomorrow is better. I am having a tomorrow, no doubt about it!
It's just as difficult to work on your mind after MI as it is to work on all the other stuff, the meds, the diet the rehab, more difficult really.
Practice switching off the whole heart thing, do something that requires your full concentration, bizarrely I found playing Tetris was a good start, I could only think of the next piece coming down.
Try and focus on positive thoughts, I see people my age in wheelchairs and I feel happy that I can walk. I never focus on people who have more then me, just on those that have less, that way I can stay positive and feel lucky.
I hope this doesn't sound like a lecture, it's not meant to, I feel your fear and your mental anguish and I want you to know that it's perfectly normal. But you do have control, you can change things, it's hard but bit by bit step by step you'll get there and you'll start enjoying living again. Nobody wants to feel the way you do now but only you can change things.
I figure now, if I'm going to drop dead suddenly there's nothing I can do to change it, if I get a warning then the chances are I will survive, most people do, so I may as well have fun while I'm here and expect to be here in 30 years time, just like I did before. Nothings changed, I got out of the car crash alive, I could have another one tomorrow, but then I may never have another one at all!
Hang in there, it will get better!
Big hugs,
Lidia xx

By Ecksunbeam
Posted June 16, 2009 at 7:39 am
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Dear Lonewolf,

Generally, heart pain is in the mid-chest. Left sided chest pain is quite possibly muscle spasm-related.

You agree that you have been quite tense. When we are under a great deal of stress, it's very easy to develop a muscle spasm (especially between the ribs) doing something as simple as carrying groceries, raking leaves, etc., vacuuming and not knowing until several days, or even weeks later we have done it as it worsens and worsens.

You might want to checkout this possibility.

Sometimes, nine years after-the-fact, I am still surprised when I wake up in the morning. Somewhere along the line you just accept the fact you could drop dead at any time (anybody can!), but you decide to live with a vengeance until then. And you can keel over in your bedroom, or living room, just as easily as you can in the subway or the bank. So no need to make a recluse out of yourself. You start carrying a cell phone with you. You stash an aspirin, a Xanax and your nitro in every reachable place in the house. You carry a list of your meds and the name of your doctor/diagnosis in your wallet.

In other words, "It ain't over til the fat lady sings."

May the Blessings Be!

Sherrie

By lvfrogs
Posted June 16, 2009 at 7:59 am
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I can't say it any better than these women did. It will get better in time. I have found that some people around me are more nervous about me than even I am and that actually helps me to be more calm about it all. Yes, it could happen, but chances are it won't. I just make sure that I have aspirin (and I told the people I work with and all my friends so they could help if needed), I carry nitro, doctor card in purse, and if I go somewhere a little ways from home, I check out the nearest fire station. Little things that just give me the reassurance that help is close by if needed. I too, have been worried and have been focusing on the other health issues in my life to the point that I was not living my life. I am trying to change that now. It hasn't been very long for you Natalie, so please remember that. You need time to come to terms with it all, to heal and to start your new life! Many hugs, Colleen

By mmuff
Posted June 16, 2009 at 9:21 am
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good morning. I can relate to your fears and read these other replies and wonder if I will ever be where they are. I had a dissection/MI 41/2 years ago and I am still amazed at how much I think about it. But the one thing I know helps me allot is to be with people as much as I can. Just knowing I am not alone helps calm me. I also have to talk to myself quite a bit to remind myself that that the stress is not good for me. I will often say out loud to myself that is gas so just calm down. I agree with keeping your mind occupied such as playing tetrus. I am a scrapbooker which I get much pleasure from. Think about that every time you have one of theses fears there is probably some one like myself dealing with the same anxiety. I can't express how much it helped to know I was not alone and not crazy for feeling the way I do.I am new to this site and find comfort in all of this so I hope I am helping you just a tiny bit...maybe to just help you feel calmer for one day one hour, one minute. Any time without stress is a good time! You will find what gives you strength and when yo do grab it and keep it close to your heart. Fear of the unknown is very unnerving, but we can conquer it! Stay strong.

By Lucindy
Posted June 16, 2009 at 11:19 am
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I feel uncomfortable writing this but will do so anyway in the hopes that it might offer you some comfort. I have cardiomyopathy but am asymptomatic. Last August when my doctor held my hands and told me this new diagnoisis (although my heart had been deteriorating for six years prior), I asked him how much longer he thought I had. Bottom line: six years.

In those five previous years, I did my best to ignore that I was heading toward heart failure, working at a high stress job for 12 - 14 hours a day. But that meeting with him in the office . . . paralyzed me. I couldn't ignore this (although until recently I made a valiant attempt).

I have nearly died several times in my 58 years but never feared death. But that day in the office last August, I became the most fearful person I have ever met. I was afraid to breathe; afraid to move. Cried all the time. This went on for MONTHS.

Then my son called me and I told him about this inordinate fear I was carrying. Okay, I am about to get spiritual . . . so agnostic readers, don't be offended. He asked me what I most feared about dying. I said, "Leaving my grandchildren (one six year old in particular, who seems to need me). My son said, "You know, heaven is eternal. One century in heaven is like a blink of any eye. So, let's just say, you died today. In 75 years, which is a blink of an eye in "heaven's time clock" you will be with your grandbabies." All of a sudden, I was fine. That image has helped me adjust to the reality of death that comes to all of us.

Also, last month, 3 people I know dropped dead of heart failure . . . no warning . . . no nothing. And amazingly, life has gone on without them. My grandson will be fine whether I am here or not.

That said, I still get down. I still HATE the feeling of helplessness . . . that there is no cure for this. That in all probability I won't live to be 90 or 80 or maybe even 70.

But do you know what I really regret? That I didn't even try to take care of myself during those first five years. That even now, I work long hours and still haven't been serious about losing weight. I regret that when the first v-tach appeared 6 years ago, I stopped living for me . . . no more workouts, no more yoga, no more jogging since everything triggered v-tachs and then I gained 50 lbs.

What the postings on this group (that I only joined a week ago) have taught me is a) don't beat yourself up about what you should or should not have done in the past; b) don't rely on doctors to tell you your expiration date; c) and find the joy you (I) used to have when I wasn't counting every heart skip and judging every move I made.

Lordy, another long posting. Please forgive me ya'll. I am still new at this . . . I will try not to be so longwinded next time.

Lucindy

By grace5
Posted June 16, 2009 at 6:13 pm
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Lucindy, that was beautiful and made a lot of sense to me, yes life does go on when someone leaves, it has to, and yes I also believe that our time here is very short in the big scheme of things, a blink of an eye for sure. I don't have a specific belief or a religion but I do believe this isn't all there is. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. and as you already know, your expiration date is not predictable and miracles can and do happen, where there's life there's hope and I hope you get to blow out your 80 candles!
Hugs,
Lidia xx

By Ecksunbeam
Posted June 17, 2009 at 5:37 am
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Dear Lucindy,

I don't want to sound as if this devil-may-care attitude happens over night. As others have mentioned, you are still "fresh." It took me a long time--probably about two years, before I was able to cop an attitude. I was not expected to live a year. I was not expected to live 3 months. I was not expected to live at all. I kept waiting to die. After a couple of years (and a very difficult recovery) I simply got bored. Waiting to die is extremely boring.

But at this stage in your recovery, you need to be careful about balancing rest with activity. You need more rest than you did previously and if you need a nap, then take a nap! If the laundry and dishes pile up, they do. You must forget what everyone else "thinks" about anything you do or the manner in which you choose to lead your life. If they don't like it, TOUGH! You have been given a second chance at life and in some ways, although it can be a difficult labor, in a way it is also a rebirth and an opportunity to revaluate what is truly important to you. If those around you cannot quite appreciate your "new normal" remind them that you have a coffin on hold they can borrow. Family and friends can be very disappointing at this time. I received some very good advice to get all the "shoulds" and "expectations" of people out of my life. What is sort of interesting, however, is that when I let go of my expectations of them, they let go of their expectations of me. This was very freeing.

As others have mentioned, find a hobby of some kind to occupy your mind. God had the perfect opportunity to take you, and did not. There must be a reason for that.

May the Blessings Be!

Sherrie

By terodac
Posted June 17, 2009 at 11:33 am
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I walked the same path for months! I had to go to a doctor to get over it, fear is not from God. It is just part of the journey, enjoy your days and it is not over to God says it is over. He has brought you this far, don't look back, I know it is hard I am 2.5 years post op and I had a melt down day on Sunday, haven't had one in months. I was much better on Monday and it felt good to cry, and go on me a pitty party and you know what I can! But really death is right around the corner for everybody we just don't know when! Smile, laugh and move on! God Bless!!!!! Find your walk with God he will take care of the rest!

By sunshine3D
Posted June 17, 2009 at 12:24 pm
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terodac,
I really, REALLY like that part: Find your walk with God and HE WILL TAKE CARE OF THE REST!
I totally agree.
Couldn't make it through all this without HIM!

By Hany
Posted June 17, 2009 at 4:36 pm
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Hi Lonewolf

I can empathize your fear. Symptoms are scary. I get so used to the pain but then I look objectively and see its not good I am having so much trouble walking 50 meters.
But then I think its just a matter of managing symptoms , like Sherrie said taking a nap, leaving the washing up.
I am like a mobile phone with a bad battery that runs low really quickly and takes ages to recharge. And then use it all up really quickly again.
But when I am on patches , on CCB and then I am still looking around for nitro spray , its not great. I find sometimes when I take the patch off at night the pain gets worse and I need the spray (which I cant find) so I end up putting on another patch so often have it on 24 hours.Pretty soon I will be putting these stickers on everywhere there will be no space left on my body ! Just kidding.
But yeah so the fear is there allways in the back of my mind. I think I am gonna ask the Dr for angiogram (he said he could "shoot my coronies" if I wanted) just to be sure.But then I am scared of that. But I agree with some of the others you cant live in fear- it may not happen. Or I should use the fear to try to live more fully.
I havent had a heart attack but can imagine how an experience like that will leave you very scared indeed.
I think I should try positive thinking too.
Anyway I think we need to listen to our bodies. We have probably all developed quite a strong survival instinct and can smell trouble a mile away.
I dont want to die at all but I find accepting the fear works for me too ,really feeling it, until it passes. Accepting it is here and part of me and like Lucindy said remembering that others are here for a blink of an eye aswell.
I try not to think of mortality too much and focus more on today , this moment. Its hard but I will try.

cheers
Hana

By lonewolf7
Posted July 4, 2009 at 5:05 am
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I regret not responding sooner. Being relatively new here, I couldn't find my journals = ( Finally, I did find them and all the responses were just wonderful.

Welcome to Inspire!

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