LEEP!

I had my LEEP done this morning. Pre-op jitters were definitely alleviated by the 5 mg of Valium I took about two hours beforehand. My anxiety peaked during the 10 or so minutes my SO and I spent in the procedure room before my doc arrived. I had one very quick moment where I started to fantasize that my doc got called away to an emergency delivery and couldn't preform my LEEP. But then I remembered that this was necessary and important and could not be shelved for a later date when I was feeling more "comfortable" about having an electric current cut away a portion of my cervix.

The prep for the surgery (I'm happy my doc called it that. I'm tired of everything being downplayed.) was much worse than the actual surgery. I'm notorious for having a terrible reaction to the speculum insertion, and today was not different, particularly because it's necessary for the cervix to be widened further than it is typically during a pap, colpo, etc. I reacted fairly strongly to the clamp being put into place and the initial local anesthetic shot. These were marked by intense pinpoint pain. I started to have a vasovagal response (ie, near fainting spell) and nausea that were quickly alleviated by some ice and rubbing alcohol pads on my forehead. (Thanks, SO, for reminding the doc and nurse that those would be necessary!)

After the initial local anesthetic shot, things got a LOT better. I was surprised by how quickly my faint & nauseated feeling disappeared, and I did not feel any of the three additional local shots my doctor administered. Then the actual surgery began. My doc reminded me for the 2378231st time that I could NOT move while the LEEP was being performed. I channeled my inner yoga goddess during this part, and focused on a drishti while the electrode was being used. The removal of the tissue lasted less than two minutes, and the cauterization lasted maybe five minutes. I did not feel any pain during this process, not even the warmth my doc warmed me I would feel. I did smell something awful, though, that I think will be hard to forget for both myself and my SO.

While my doc was cauterizing my cervix, I found myself feeling really sad & scared. I just felt overwhelmed and upset that I'm going through this. Or, rather, that anyone has to go through this. I realize it is very far from the worst case scenario, but it still feels so scary & blindsiding sometimes. I might need a really good, long cry tonight.

I asked to see the tissue that had been removed and was honestly shocked by how large the portion seemed. My SO and I chatted with the doc afterward for awhile, and he seemed optimistic that he was able to get all of the concerning cells out. I'm doing my best to feel hopeful about this, but I know the next week or so will be a very long week or so.