Validation and Release

When my husband was in the hospital there were times that I thought perhaps I was being a Drama Queen and a member of the Doom and Gloom Club. I do take things to heart and I do have a tendency to think about the worst; yet I do not think I would dwell on it. What I would try to do was think about the worst but hope for the best. I did try to prepare myself for the worse but try to improve and take actions for positive moves.

With this said, I also could be in a state of denial. When I had my heart attack (Dec. 2011), I paid bills, took a shower, packed a bag and waited until my husband woke up before going to the ER. Even in the ER I was providing other information that had nothing to do with what was really going on. I had the heart attack while in the ER - 100% blockage in my RCA - now a stent.

Anyway, when my husband was in the hospital in June we kept getting different stories about what was going on with him. Amongst everything else, he was diagnosed with colon cancer. Chemo was not an option because of everything else so surgery was the option.

He had to get more optimized. At the time, the doctors agreed he was about as optimized as could be until results from a right heart cath and agreed to send him home. He really wanted to come home to see our son and explain to him (not in a hospital setting) what was going on. He also wanted to give him certain items should he (at some point) pass on.

I now wonder did he know? While home he got worse. He wanted a special dinner - my son and I prepared it together - and my husband LOVE IT!

A few days later, he asked to go to the hospital (not like him at all - he hated hospitals!!!!).

It had been several days since I had actually spoken with my husband prior to his passing - just as it had been with my mother. They both basically went to sleep and eventually passed on. With my husband, I had to tell the doctors to remove medical means. My son and my brother were with me when he passed on. It was very peaceful.

I believe certain things happened leading up to and after that day happened for a reason (too long to explain). I now feel validation in what I felt (I was not being a Drama Queen) and the timing. It is not going to be easy but I need to release the feelings I had before and accept what happened and why.

I know he is gone (yet still in my heart) and yet I still find it hard to believe. I still shake my head in disbelief. I know a balance will come.

I believe he will help me through this journey and look after me even from beyond.