"Firsts"

It has been awhile since I have posted. Trying to adjust to life as a widow. It is yet another (my heart attack was one) unfamiliar journey to a new normal life.

I had thought about all of the "firsts" I would have to encounter without my soulmate; the obvious ones like holidays, birthdays, our anniversary but I did not think about all of the other "firsts".

One of my first "firsts" was going to the grocery store to shop just for me. I had a panic attack. Going to the doctor alone and having no one to talk to about results.

Then recently I had some other "firsts". I had a mouse in my house. I had set traps before but never emptied one - well, I had to recently - yuck! But worse than that was I had a terrible stomach virus. I was so sick. One night I had such anxiety I was moments away from calling 911. I took a nitro (as it did feel more than just anxiety) and waiting for the pain to go away - thank goodness it did. I felt so helpless and so alone and yes, scared. There would not have been much Ed could have done to actually make me feel better but I would not have been alone. And yes, I did go to doc. My EKG was just a bit irregular but a few days later, back to normal. The virus caused my electrolytes to be off hence the irregularity.

So.....I know there are so many more unknown "firsts" ahead. I WILL make them through because I have NO choice.

Bless you all - hugs, Melissa