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jojo64321
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I am new here, im 39 and on Feb. 2 of this year I suffered a massive heart attack which resulted in double bypass surgery. I've been on an emotional roller coaster since the surgery. I am already back to work, everyone has gotten over the initial shock of it all and I feel like they expect me to be completely normal it's like it never happened...im fixed. The problem is I dont feel that way, Im still scared out of my mind. I dont feel like im fixed and it is almost like im waiting for it to happen again. Is this normal to feel this way? My family is awesome, but what happened to me scared them horribly, and I think they deal with it by thinking im now fixed and it wont happen again. So how do I deal with it?

Explore topics in this discussion:

Anxiety Heart disease Surgery Heart attack Palliative care Bypass surgery Depression Stress

9 replies

shotzi999

What you are feeling is totally normal. I had my heart attack in July 2008 and it has only been the last couple of months that the fear of another one isn't constantly on my mind.

My kids never mention it and if I do they change the subject. They are in denial. I was too for awhile.

Your fear will probably never go away completely but it will get better with time.

Just read some of the posts and you will see we have all been through the anxiety and worry as you are doing now.

gracie62

Jojo:
What you are going through is so very, very normal. The people around you were scared out of their mind by what you went through. For them to get past it, they have to believe that it is all better. For them, that works great. For you, the person, going through it, it is far from that simple.

We talk a lot on here about the new normal. Life can't be normal for you again, at least not the way you knew it. But, in time, you will adjust to the new normal. You will adjust to that fear that is always in your mind lurking and as time goes by you will find it lurking further and further away. You have faced your own mortality in a way few can understand. We, here, can because we have been there.

I suffered post traumatic stress disorder after my bypass surgery, most likely because that nasty little heart attack surprised me 18 days later (isn't that the wrong order? Wasn't the MI supposed to be BEFORE the surgery?). What I learned in my own journey of healing is that everyone heals physically and mentally on schedule for them. I had doctors and family and friends telling me what I should or should not be doing or feeling at any given time. I felt like I was doing something wrong because my body and mind weren't where everyone expected when they expected it. Then I stopped fighting my body and mind. If I was sad one day, I cried. If I felt bad, I slept. If I had a surge of energy I overdid it. I gave up expectations and let myself heal on my own terms. I told everyone around me this was my journey and they could come along or watch from the sidelines. I have always accepted their moods and taken care of their needs. It was time for them to allow me the same.

And you know what? It worked. Sure, I had to work to unspoil everyone and I still fight that battle. I had to tell well meaning people that I appreciated their concern but I needed to handle it my way and not the way their Uncle Ned did. And after putting myself first for the first time in forever, I found myself again. I didn't know I had been lost. This new normal has reaquainted me with an old friend - myself.

You will, in time, find that the fear becomes less and the joy becomes more. You may think your time is running out after what you have been through. I tell people they reset my clock while they were in there so I'll be ticking for years to come! And you will be too.

Take care -
Dianna

Katz

Yes, what you are feeling is normal. I had bypass surgery two years ago and I am still afraid it will happen again. As time has passed, I am not as fearful as I was at the stage you are in, but I am still afraid.

My family doesn't want to talk about it either - I think they feel if they don't acknowledge it, it won't happen. They have become a little more comfortable talking about it as times has gone by, also,

Scottie

jojo64321

Thank you so much, just reading your words has made me feel better. It's good to know that I wont always be this afraid, and that I will someday make it through an entire day with out bursting into tears. I want to be strong for my family, but I guess I need to be strong for me first.

Kennarina

Hello Jojo and welcome!

Another interesting phenomenon is the number of people who may be telling you: "You look just the same! You look fine!"

One poster here last year hit the nail on the head when she wrote: "I feel like screaming at these people: 'I am NOT the same, and I am NOT fine!"

But because you are not wearing a cast or sporting crutches or any other obvious sign that something very traumatic has happened to you, those around you really WANT you to be fine, so that's what they insist on telling you. We see the same behaviours towards bereaved people in hospice palliative care, where I've worked for the past nine years. Others are so anxious and uncomfortable about what to say to grieving people or how they'll look, that when they see them acting and looking kinda like their old selves, they feel so relieved that THEY do not have to feel awkward around them that they fairly gush over how 'fabulous you look!' This reaction is much more about others and their anxiety around you, than it is about the person they are talking to.

When I tried going back to work three months after my heart attack (half days only to start) my colleagues reacted to my return in exactly the way I'd feared: "Wonderful to have you back!! Now! Here's this pile of work I've been waiting three months for you to do!" By Week Two, there was absolutely no cutting any slack for me - I was fully immersed in my pre-heart attack mode of juggling multiple projects, deadline stress, and insane workload expectations. And yet, because all I could think of was how much I wanted to feel 'normal' again, I couldn't wait to get back to work again, just as if nothing had happened, as if I didn't have heart disease now.

You are in VERY early days yet, so no wonder you are feeling like you're on this emotional roller coaster. You have survived what many do not. Your body, which you've likely trusted and taken for granted your whole life, may seem to have suddenly turned on you. This survival shock is often compared to post-traumatic-stress-disorder, except with us, the trauma is WITHIN.

At Mayo Clinic, we learned that up to 65% of women experience depression following a heart attack, yet only 10% are treated. Please don't be in that 10% group! There is effective help and medication out there if you do feel overwhelmed, weepy, anxious - all of which put you in that majority of heart attack survivor group.

Good luck and please keep us posted!

XOXOXO


http:www.myheartsisters.org

Dgrant

oh, honey, your post brought back some bittersweet memories....you are so close to the event still and the fear is very real to you....my heart attack and CABGx4 was in December 07 and for several months I broke out in tears for no apparent reason other than fear....I would pass my 17-year-old daughter in the hall and just hug her and tell her how much I love her and appreciate her help, and how she shouldn't be having to take care of me.....etc...etc...quite dramatic, I must say...but it's only now -- over a year later -- that I can smile at those memories...

And about other people, well, they think their doing the right thing, trying to help you be "normal" again, and they mean well, plus it helps them deal with their own fears of maybe that might happen to them...so, be patient with them...but do what you have to do for yourself. You might be "fixed" but you don't feel it yet, that is for sure!!

So, give yourself time, as much as you need, and don't feel guilty for the feelings you are having...you are totally normal, believe me!! And keep coming here...I couldn't be having this conversation in my normal every day social circles...you know, people tire of hearing about heart attacks pretty quickly as they shove those high-fat bites of food in their mouths!!! LOL Nobody thinks it could ever happen to them....until it does....

Take care and keep in touch with us!!

Oh, and one more thing -- you know, your 40th birthday will be much better than most 40th birthdays -- for me, I LOVED turning 51!! Because that meant I was ALIVE and KICKING in this life still!! I don't think I'll ever look at birthdays quite the same!! I'm looking FORWARD to turning 60 someday!! No more dread in this girl about birthdays!! LOL


Dana in

chill

Absolutely what you are feeling is normal! It is VERY frightening and scarry to have had a heart attack...and you are terrified it will happen again! So, put that worry aside that you are not normal! You are! I am almost a year out from my heart attack and each day it gets easier...less anxiety and fear. I can honestly say there are days that now go by I do not even think about it. But that takes time...and it is different for all of us. The only constant is that we all battle the"but you look fine!" We will never be fine as we knew it. We will always have heart disease and the risk of another...but, we learn to move on. We learn to put the smile on our face and get back into the world. For me, going back to work made the biggest difference. I felt normal again...had other things to think about rather than me and my heart. I can actually retire anytime, but for me personally, I need to keep working right now to keep myself normal.

DebstarNY

I think being grateful replaces the fear. Focusing on the second chance and all you get to do. Future pacing - that's looking forward to events in the future and then one by one as you achieve them you realize your gonna be just fine. I future paced my 25th reunion - well when I got there I was just so overwhelmed with joy happiness and love. I also turn people's reactions around. When someone finds out I had a heart attack and they have any reaction - I equate that to the love they have for me - so someone with a hugh reaction - I feel very loved - I was so blessed to have a heart attack - I now appreciate everyday in a way i couldnt even imagine - every occasion is a reason to smile and take it all in. I love my life and everything in it. Take time to count your blessings and your fears disappear. You can not experience gratitude and fear at the same time - So just choose to live in gratitude. Love and Happiness Debbie Ann
http://healthcorner.walgreens.com/display/1291.htm

WhatTheHeck

It does get better, I promise! I had a heart attack when I was 38 and yes it is shocking. The first few months I felt like there was something different (and not in a good way) about my life now and everything was going to change. I ate nothing but broccoli and brown rice (with no butter or anything on it) for about 1 + 1/2 weeks when I got home, and panicked everytime I felt a twinge anywhere. But eventually you do adjust. It's not easy but it will happen.
And I did suffer depression after the heart attack as Kennarina mentioned can happen, but I got treatment for that too. Just make sure that if you do decide to seek help for any depression and it involves meds, your cardiologist and your family doctor (or whoever would prescribe depression meds for you) talk because there are some serious interactions that can occur between heart meds and depression meds. You want to avoid those!
People sometimes think that heart surgery is not a serious thing anymore, that it's no more serious than an appendectomy, but that just isn't true. I'd try to seek out a support group in your area-it'd probably be nice to hang out with some people that "get it", and know just how you feel.
Best of luck to you.

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