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Rough weekend

jojo64321
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O.K. so I posted here last week explaining the fear that I was experiencing since my heart attack and the support that I recieved back was wonderful. After reading the comments that some of you left me I felt so much better, I sorta felt normal. So why on Friday night did I completely lose my mind and break down sobbing? I was hystirical, I actually accused my husband of trying to kill me off because he had ordered bacon on my sandwich. The poor man was shocked and so upset that he sat there and picked off every little peice. I felt terrible about it. I have never been a crier, and I have never lost control like that. Will that eventually get better?

Explore topics in this discussion:

Exercise Heart disease Surgery Pain Heart attack Bypass surgery Depression

9 replies

gracie62

Have you ever lost control of your body like you did when you had your heart and subsequent bypass surgery? No. I have said this before and I will say it again - one of the hardest things about dealing with heart disease is the total loss of control. One day were are going along oblivious to what lurks inside our veins and, then, wham - we are smacked upside the head and taken into a world that is totally foreign and upside down. Things we used to take for granted aren't so simple. Our lives become controlled by a list of dos and don'ts and a medicine regime that would confound most scientists.

Forgive yourself for your outburst and I am sure hubby will too. The bad news is that you will have more of them. The good news is that they will ease in time. Learn to laugh about them afterwards. That makes those moments easier to bear. On the plus side, something we call pump head can come in handy for a variety of fopaws (sp?) and meltdowns. Our mind takes time to heal also, making us more prone to emotional swings and outbursts. You can always blame it on pump head (a condition where the brain has been deprived of 100% oxygen while on the bypass machine - some don't experience it. I still struggle daily with little things mentally)

Remember that crying can be cleansing and healing. Maybe you miss bacon and were too proud to admit it (joking)? I firmly believe we all deserve to throw a fit now and then, whether it is warranted or not. My adorable grandson does so frequently and all is always forgiven. Don't we deserve the same release now and then afer what we have been through?

Hugs -
Dianna

kathybg

Everyone has days or moments like that even when we're healthy so don't be too hard on yourself. You've been through a terrifying and life altering experience that doesn't just go away. Not only do you need time for your heart/body to heal but also your mind & out of control (at times) emotions. It comes from fear & I'm sure you probably have limitations for now so that in itself can make anyone nuts temporarily or frequently. You are now being forced to face your own mortality, like most of us, and it's far from easy. Just be sure to do the right things-take your meds, eat healthy, & exercise if you are able (ck w/Dr). Make time for date nights w/your hubby, do family day on weekends doing something fun, & most important-make alone time for you doing your favorite thing like reading, crafts, movies, talking to friends & relaxing. Give yourself the gift of time & God Bless-Kathy

kathybg

PS-my daily trick, especially when I'm having difficult day is to turn on ELLEN at 3:00. No matter how bad or down my mood is she instantly fills me with joy & laughter, peace always follows. She is a gift from God to people like us-try it

Kennarina

Hey, maybe we could just get our docs to prescribe daily doses of Ellen at 3 pm! Great advice, Kathy!

Jojo, please read and then re-read Dianna's excellent post.

This period of your life is really crazy-time. Yesterday I read an interesting article about what happens to us when a catastrophic event like heart attack occurs. The article describes how surprisingly calm many heart attack survivors appear to be to their families immediately following the cardiac event - and yet a few days later when they're back home from hospital, they can have a complete meltdown as reality begins to sink in.

I remember being in hospital in CCU when two of my hospital co-workers came in to visit me. I was cheerful and perky, explaining what had just happened as if it were nothing at all. I'm sure they were completely stunned, given the fact that I was in intensive care with tubes and wires and beeping machines all around. About a week later, I was a weepy mess on the couch while our daughter looked on in helpless horror.

This is denial helping us out. But denial can be both friend and enemy. Eventually, in small doses just big enough that we can handle them, reality raises its ugly little head and we start to 'get it' as we accept the unacceptable, bit by bit.

You may realize (intellectually) that you will not be killed off if hubby puts a piece of bacon in your sandwich, but that doesn't mean it doesn't completely freak you out at this particular stage of accepting your diagnosis.

Yes, you will eventually get 'better' in terms of not having meltdowns over bacon - but if this kind of emotional state continues, please seek professional help. We know that up to 65% of women suffer depression following a heart attack, yet only 10% are actually treated.

Meanwhile, keep researching and reading and educating yourself as much as possible.

Hang in there....
XOXOXO



http://www.myheartsisters.org

jay73

Hi jojo,
It's ok to 'lose it' from time to time. You're in the middle of an emotional rollercoaster and your life has been turned upside down. If you were giving yourself advice I bet you'd say that it's perfectly understandable to be fine one moment and then all over the place the next.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, there's no textbook method of dealing with emotions and the way you deal with things is the way you're dealing with them, it's not right or wrong. It's a real wake up call as to how precious life is when something like this happens and your self preservation instinct kicks in. My MI was 18 months ago and I still get stopped in my tracks when I get a pain/discomfort in my arm/chest . I go through the checklist of 'have I lifted something heavy, when did I last eat, have I got indigestion etc.' until the discomfort lessens and I move on.

A few weeks after my MI I got a letter from my gp asking if I wanted to be referred for counselling as depression is recognised as a common after effect of a heart attack. Please seek professional help if you feel you need it...or scream and shout and burst into tears if that makes you feel better. It's your choice. And your right.

If you go to counselling you might want to take your husband with you as I'm sure his emotions are all over the place too and he may feel helpless with the situation. The person who he loves (so much so that he takes the bacon off your sandwich!) has had a life changing experience that he is only a spectator to. That must be difficult for him too.

Things WILL get better...it's a marathon not a sprint.!

You're not alone in this, you have many friends here who will take the bacon off your sandwich!

Take Care
Jane

shotzi999

You are going to have good days and bad days. I was in much better shape a few days after my heart attack than I was 4 months after. I felt like an egg or a shrimp or anything high in fat or cholesterol was going to send me into another heart attack. but it gets better as time goes on. I still worry from time to time when I overdo it, but believe me, it will get better for you.

MMaslek

Have hubby read the posts so he knows that all this is normal (everyone here says so :) !) and explain to him that this may take a while & your outbursts are not directed at him personally. Tell him if you're still mad in an hour, then to take it personally (You don't want to let him off the hook totally!!). The emotional rollercoaster is harder than the physical pain. At least you know why your chest hurts. Cut yourself some slack. It will take time but eventually you acclimate to the new norm and life will level out. In the meantime, cry if you need to, yell if you need to and allow yourself some time to heal inside as well as outside.

martzj

I agree with MM that emotional pain is far more difficult than the physical symtoms. Once we've had a heart attack, often barely survived, we live on a never ending precipice of vulnerability. Suddenly, life takes on a whole new shadow side we may have successfully, blissfully been in denial about before HA. Now we look at everything from the filter 'Is this gonna kill me?' We have to be hyper aware of proximity to contagion, all kinds of foods and drinks, medication side effects, what to do when all of our doctors offer completely different diagnoses for the exact same condition. On top of still being expected to carry on with full time work and all the family maintenance and planning. This can do a real number on your nerves. It is maddening at times. It is an extreme sanity shredder at the worst moments. The good news is that you get used to being the only one around who has to live like this.

I still have a meltdown now and then....because it is so hard to keep up this vigilance against the many things that show up in life that threaten mine. All my friends have known me for decades, that I have to be extremely careful about food intake...because drs have no idea what caused my HA in the first place and I was never a sloppy eater (fast food, pizza, junk foods, ice cream, chocolate bars)...None of that. And yet, what do they all send me or bring as gifts. Chocolate. Food loaded with cheese, grease and fats. I love them dearly....I love them for bringing me the foods THEY love. The gifts are about THEM, not me. But I get it that they are bringing me 'caring' in the only ways they know .....which is what THEY like.
I hug and thank them from my heart.

They are just never gonna get it until they have a heart attack and had to battle to stay alive during emergency angioplasties, bypass. They are never gonna understand how one slice of pizza or bacon could create the final straw, the artery clog that breaks a clot free and sends me straight into the heart attack I won't survive. They sit across from me in restaurants and order enormous meals and think I am being extreme because I don't. But it doesn't bother me because I have the right to fight for every day of my life and I get it that they don't get it yet. Nobody gets it until they have to. Just the way life works. This used to bother me tremendously until I finally realized how human psyche works.....Loved ones think: 'yummy, I love this kind of food so that makes it ok to eat'....just because they desire it they rationalize it as "just fine, good eatin', gonna eat till I burst'.

We just cannot do that. Heart girls need to be eating one third of what the general population consumes. Nor can we indulge in the gooey, fat and grease loaded foods non-heart attack population does. Just can't. It takes time to educate ourselves, makes nutrition adjustments as needed....But I was far happier once I let go expectations that others have any clue to what my interior life is like and the steady stream of choices I must make. So I thank friends for caring gifts and slowly educate others over long periods of time. I patiently repeat myself often (even with my new hubby) because non-heart attack crowd has to be constantly reminded that the heart damage lifestyle does not go away. Still there, year after year.

This is a nice place to come.....everyone here gets it or is in the process of learning.

Hang in there. Hope you are having a better day today.
Jaynie

jojo64321

Thanks all for the encouraging words, this site is great, finally I feel as if im not alone....thanks again

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