Mother/Daughter Differences

Some of you may have read my family saga with heart disease in another post, if so I apologize for you reading the shortened version again. Basically my father's side of the family have massive MI's and die at relatively young ages, both parents had quadruple bypass surgery and on his 40th birthday, my brother had 5 stents placed. I will be 44 at the end of this month and one goal I have is to live to see my 5 year old niece marry the man of her dreams and spoil her children the way I did her and her sister.

Yesterday, mom had a follow-up with her cardio (not my favorite person in the world, but until she wants a different doc there is nothing I can do) who tells her all is well. EXCEPT that walking from one end of our rancher to the other makes her short of breath and it takes her 30 minutes to an hour to recover, sometimes longer. When I asked her what he said about this she repeated "Everything looks good. He wants my LDL less than 70 because it's better for my bypasses and he stopped my Zetia and put my on this other medicine for my cholesterol."

Even before I was a nurse I never would have accepted this as an answer to a problem. I used to take her to her appointments (she doesn't drive) and go in with her to hear what he would say. He would talk to me, not her, and if I challenged him on something (which I did quite a bit) he stopped listening. I finally had to stop taking her, thinking I could be detrimental to her treatment.

Being short of breath walking from one end of a home to the other is not normal or acceptable when your recent Persantine stress was normal and so is your EKG. What is wrong with this man??????? I think she needs a cath to be 100% positive there is nothing happening, but apparently "everything looks good" so he won't consider doing one.

Anyway, I'm frustrated because I love my mother and want her to stick around a little longer. Do any of you have the same problems with parents and their docs?

Teri

By goingstrong
Posted July 4, 2008 at 8:35 am

I surely do hope you can convince your Mom to change doctors. But maybe she likes hearing "nothing is wrong." Can you approach it such as getting a 2nd opinion? Maybe she would agree to that!

Good luck. Tell her you don't want to interfere but yo sure would like to keep her around for awhile!

Lynn

By tlmagraw2
Posted July 4, 2008 at 8:52 am

Lynn,

I have tried everything to get her to a new doc; let's get a second opinion, there are other docs in the same practice (one of whom cathed her carotids) she could see--she wants no part of it. Last week she said if her BP doesn't improve with an increase in one of the three meds she takes for it, she would go see mine. I'm waiting to see how controlled her BP is, that may be my ticket to get her to see Frank, until then I'll just be a frustrated daughter.

I literally just told her I think he is missing something and her response was "All of my tests show everything is fine." No lung disease at all in this woman and he thinks being short of breath walking a short distance is okay. What is odd is that this same doc has cathed her several times when she has had no symptoms and normal Persantine stress and EKG's......why not do something now that she is symptomatic?

Some days she is so much like my grandmother it isn't funny---grandmom would take everything a doctor said at face value because that is the way she was brought up, never questioned anything because they know what they are doing........some traits a mother should not pass on to her children.

Teri

By martzj
Posted July 4, 2008 at 1:15 pm

Hi Teri,

What Lynn said! : ) ANd I sooooo hear you on this issue. My mom has always been a member of the 'I don't want to know' club and whatever the doctor says is the real deal. ugh 9 months out from quad-bypass she is getting around well, but weighs only 106 lbs. Because I was there for the bypass and beyond and in on some of her followups, I realized she was omitting quite a bit...maybe even creatively phrasing answers because she was afraid of ending up back in hospital.
So she needlessly suffered from some problems that were quickly solved w medication only, once I realized what she was up to and spoke up about the actual symptoms. sheesh I respect her decisions all of the time and I offer my perspective if I feel actual harm may be occuring that she isn't aware of....because she never does a shred of research, ever. (She knows sis and I will). Lynn pegged it with 'she really wants to hear everything looks ok'.

At our ages, we are stuck in the medical twilight zone of facing doctors who are used to speaking unchallenged by our mothers' generation....and haven't made much, if any, progress towards getting used to being accountable for everything they utter by our generations because it has a consequence to another human.

Stay vigilant! It's a good thing and the responsible thing. I make sure my mother and I laugh a lot, especially when both of us are saying goofy things because we are on heart meds, having pumphead moments. We just look at each other like 'did one of us just say what I think we did?' and crack up!! It helps a lot.

Happy Friday,
Jaynie

By tlmagraw2
Posted July 4, 2008 at 6:45 pm

Jaynie,

Thanks. It is good to know that I'm not the only one who is dealing with the same thing. We do laugh...I think that is why we can still live with each other after all these years.

Can't wait for Frank to get back from vacation Monday so I can pick his brain.....I want to know what he would do.

Teri

By tlmagraw2
Posted July 5, 2008 at 4:24 pm

Jaynie,

I will let you know......

I just baked honey-wheat bread and plan on bribing him for his answer to that question and his interpretation of my latest VAP as well as a prescription for Zocor.....maybe I should give him both loaves.

Teri

By martzj
Posted July 6, 2008 at 10:21 am

" just baked honey-wheat bread and plan on bribing him for his answer "

hahaha! Oh, You are good girl! : ) BE sure to heat it up so it is nice and alluringly aromatic before you hand it over (smile).

Jaynie

By lkay
Posted July 6, 2008 at 11:19 am

Teri,
My mother-in-law will be 92 this year, had CABG x2 ten years ago. Has severe shortness of breath when walking, climbing stairs, or any other exertion. She has had follow up angios that show nothing. She does cardia rehab 3 times a week, although it is more social than exercise. Doctors - GP and Cardio - both say there is nothing wrong that they can find. She has severe osteoarthritis - major hump plus incredible height shrinkage. I think her chest cavity is compressed and givingher lungs and heart less room to work. I don't know if that would apply to your mom, but just a thought.

As for my mom,\age 84, no known heart issues, but the same stubborn allegiance to a GP who is worthless in my opinion. She always says about her aches and pains, that's what happens when you get her age, is her theory. She had psoriatic arthritis causing major quality of life problems. I finally ambushed her by MAKING an appt with another doctor, a dermatologic specialist with interest in geriatic medicine, and my dad took her (she also doesn't drive). She is on a different drug regimen and it is somewhat under control, but will never be cured. She absolutely LOVES the new doctor, but will not admit that she should have done this about 5 years ago when this flared up. She is so loyal to her GP that is makes all of us very unhappy, but she won't budge. My father. age 86, also sees the same GP. I wish he (the GP, not my dad) would hurry up and retire so we could get our parents to a good medical practice.

Good luck with your mom.
Been there, done that!
Laura

By tlmagraw2
Posted July 6, 2008 at 12:20 pm

Jaynie,

Great idea.....I should probably bring a knife with me and some heart healthy spread so he can have a slice as we are talking. I would bring his favorite minestrone soup, but I know he won't eat that at 8 a.m. (haha). Is it bad to use his wife's weakness (cooking) to my advantage?

Teri

By tlmagraw2
Posted July 6, 2008 at 12:32 pm

Laura,

They haven't done a follow-up angio since her bypass. They have done angio on her carotids, but did not stop at the heart on the way (I asked).

It does make sense that your mother-in-law will have difficulty breathing with her spine curving in the manner it is.

If I ambush mom, she will simply schedule another appointment at the same time so I have to cancel the one I made. Her one comment to me, after I showed her a picture of Frank was "Hey, he is handsome; maybe I'll go see him if I can't get my blood pressure down with these medicine changes." Right now, it is the only chance I've got to get her away from her current one.

Teri

By lkay
Posted July 6, 2008 at 1:21 pm

Teri,
It is such a difficult task because our parents are of the generation that never questioned authority - ministers, doctors and teachers were never to be doubted. Or disobeyed.

Good luck with this battle but be persistent (I know you will!). I know the energy I have put into my care loooking for answers and good medical advice- it is exhausting. Perhaps you mom has a touch of that too - it takes too much effort?

Good luck,
Laura

By tlmagraw2
Posted July 8, 2008 at 5:49 am

Well, Frank is back from vacation and I had the opportunity to talk to him about several things yesterday. So as he kicked his feet up on the nurses station and snacked on the warm honey-wheat bread (thanks for that idea, Jaynie), he answered my questions and interpreted my VAP.

He told me there are times he takes a wait and see approach and other times when he will send people for caths straight away. The deciding factor is the patient....if they have been sedentary, he recommends they start a walking program then call him and let him know if they are feeling better. He stressed that she needs to tell her doc what activities she has been doing (I admit she is not the most active person) and the shortness of breath that accompanies it and see if he will do anything differently. My new challenge is to get her to be more active.....which will probably mean enrolling her in the musical aerobics (done in a swimming pool) I take and seeing how she does--wish me luck.

Teri

P.S. Will post what he told me about HDL and Zocor in a separate discussion.....work is calling my name, so I must get ready to go.

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