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Men Listen, But With Only Half a Brain : )

martzj
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Why Men Don't Listen to Women

He really isn't listening to you! But you won't believe the reason why.

When men and women speak, the human brain processes the sounds of those voices differently, Britain's Mirror and Agence France Presse report of a new study from the U.K.'s University of Sheffield. While most of us actually hear female voices more clearly, men's brains hear women's voices first as music. But it's not music. It's someone giving them a honey-do list. So the brain goes into overdrive trying to analyze what is being said.

Bottom line: Men have to work harder deciphering what women are saying because they use the auditory part of the brain that processes music, not human voices. Men's brains are not designed to listen to women's voices. It's not the pitch of the woman's voice, but rather the vibration and number of sound waves that cause the problem, notes Discovery News.

But guys have no trouble at all hearing each other because men use a much simpler brain mechanism at the back of the brain to decipher another man's voice and recognize it as speech.

"The female voice is actually more complex than the male voice, due to differences in the size and shape of the vocal cords and larynx between men and women, and also due to women having greater natural 'melody' in their voices. This causes a more complex range of sound frequencies than in a male voice," lead researcher Michael Hunter told The Mirror. "When men hear a male voice they process it in the 'mind's eye.' This is the part of the brain where people compare their experiences to themselves, so the man is comparing his own voice to the new voice."

Here's a really bizarre side effect: These findings help explain why people who suffer hallucinations usually hear male voices. It's just too hard for the brain to create a false feminine voice as accurately as it can create a false masculine voice.

The research findings were published in the journal NeuroImage

http://harvard.medvane.org/journals/20498/five


http://blogs.webmd.com/anxiety-and-stress-management/2006/03/cardiac-patien ts-and-stress.html

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16 replies

grace5

That explains a lot, it's probably why Paul always answers a question I didn't ask or does something I didn't ask him to do and then swears I did. I think I'll get him to change the voice on his sat-nav too, it's a woman, and we always end up in a dead-end street or miles away from where we were going, it's never his fault, SHE told him to go that way.
Very interesting, thanks!
Lidia xx

Kennarina

Hi Jaynie
Couldn't find the related source on either of those links you provided - can you please post again?

THX!

XOXOXO


http://www.myheartsisters.org

heart39

Jaynie,

What if your husband hears you LESS than half the time? : ) I suppose being newlywed and all you don't have that problem.

My hubby has a constant ring in his ears & doesn't hear high pitches very well. If I want to be heard I lower my voice & use his given name. Hmmm, same as with my kids!

- Peg

martzj

Kenna,

That was a 2006 article and the link no longer worked...AOL was no longer the host site. I was directed to the first link. It is supposedly buried in there somewhere. Sorry, been too ill to bother.

I'll keep searching for article links....Plus there was a video of the actualy fMRIs being done, where male brain was contrasted w female brains given the exact same tasks. Fascinating stuff.......I happen to believe it is the science that will help us blow past all the political and address what is truly going on and how to figure out what must be done to negate danger to women. It is a human race thing.....

martzj

Hi Peg,

My dad went deaf from tinnitus...and I have a fairly significant problem with it now. That ringing can drive you batty...and your husband literally cannot hear through it because its so darn noisy and incessant. It may not be constant though, so your 'wifey' instincts could help you feel for what is really 'I didn't hear' and what is 'I don't want to hear it'. : ) ho ho

BTW, if your husband is tested and declared legally deaf/impaired in even one ear, he may be eligible for SSD. Daddy did. We got him one of those headset TV headphone systems so he could turn the sound volume way up and the rest of us could listen in peace at normal volume level.
Very nifty use of technology that saved everyone's sanity and gave dad his dignity intact...greatly improved his quality of life. He also wore hearing aids.

NASA Pants has excellent hearing.....and he is still a guy with Guy Mind (smile). Those fMRI scan results helped make huge psychological shifts in how I now interpret male behaviors w women. I make certain I assume nothing is being done intentionally to create unhappiness or withhold on his part....there is no 'if you really loved me you would.."on my part. I explain what I would like to happen, I am as clear and direct as I can be while being respectful. How he choses to respond is up to him. I never use underhanded manipulative agendas.....am open and transparent when I ask something of him. He is wonderful about responding to what I ask clearly for......and I get it that these things would mostly not happen if I didn't ask...He's a guy and I'm a gal. His mind just wasn't born to operate at the same mulit-leveled vigilance my girl brains does naturally. I speak to him very differently than my ex, now that I'm getting more info on gender brain functions.

Would love to see these gender thinking pattern/interpretation differences taught in high schools and colleges.....along with the sample fMRIs to help young adults grasp what is going on. And ways to work with our different gender gifts to enhance relationships rather than compete, get insulted and withdrawn.

Kennarina

Verrrry interesting.... Dr. Deborah Tannen, a linguist who has done lots of work on how men and women communicate, describes a typical situation:

Woman: "That garbage can is overflowing!"

(Every woman in the world understands exactly what what she means, which is: "Empty the garbage").

But man's response: "Yep, you're right, it is!" and goes back to reading the newspaper.

No wonder men go crazy trying to decipher what women are too indirect to communicate to them!

XOXOXO


http://www.myheartsisters.org

martzj

"Woman: "That garbage can is overflowing!"

(Every woman in the world understands exactly what what she means, which is: "Empty the garbage").

But man's response: "Yep, you're right, it is!" and goes back to reading the newspaper."

BINGO!!! Tannen has deconstructed male-female communication patterns to incredible degrees. Your example lady was projecting sarcasm, outrage and
disappointment...that her mate wasn't acting in a team-work, togetherness way. She was trying to manipulate him emotionally which is alwasy passive-agressive. Which I used to do in my younger days : ) He was reacting in a reactionary passive-agressive way. Both acting immaturely.

NOW.....It's "Will you please mow the grass in the next 2 days?" And 'would you prefer I write out a list of things that need to be done or tell you as they come up"? If there is a time restraint...visitors on the way...I say so. I don't bother to invest a shred of valuable emotional energy on second guessing 'why didn't he just magically know what needed to be done' or 'why doesn't he care enough about me to watch that trash can like a hawk and empty it the nanasecond it fills up? How can he love me if he doesn't do that?" : )

Second guessing other men AND women's thought processes is mostly a big fat waste of time.........I can promise they aren't thinking about YOU. Just state what needs to be done, or you would like help with, or must have help with.....and let it go. Get busy with other things. I speak to my husband with respect and a lot of humor. He responds with same. Other people's emotional activity is their business, not mine, so I do my best to stay inside my own boundaries where I belong.

On the medical front, we are talking about 'life and death' realms of communication-miscommunication.....and there is no time to waste tackling these critical areas that CAN be addressed and upgraded to higher accuracy. There isn't a person on the planet that can't benefit from constant self-tweaking. We evolved to behave and think differently...and we now have the tools (books, classes, mentors, schools of thought and disciplines) to help us override and replace behaviors that cause suffering with behaviors that create pleasing outcomes. We move on.

martzj

I just remembered that I could never read Tannen for long.....she bored the crap out of me. It wasn't until I began seeing the PROOF and the WHYs of male behavior via their brain activity patterns to female voice on functional MRIs.....that I GOT IT. Ohhhhh.....They aren't acting like a-holes just for the fun of it (all the time : )...they really don't get how complicated my side of the relationship is!!! My brain was churning, trying to problem-solve and roiling in frustration.....my partner would just be watching the tv. Literally. And enjoying it. How dare he!! : ) So glad I'm not young anymore. ho ho And I refused to grow into one of those old bitter women with sour expressions. If you want to add 20 years to your heart and face, choose 'bitter and resentful' over 'I'm going to do what I have to do to change my life at every stage I'm in."

cheers, Jaynie

Rose

Hi all,

I agree with Jaynie that asking for what you want and need it the best way to get it. I wish it weren't so and that he could anticipate my needs but alas that is not the case. If I am specific or tell him I need his help I get better results, most of the time.

I have a therory that is not at all scientific and it is that most men think with a body part that I refer to as the dumb stick. It seems to control a great portion of their lives. As I have said this is just an observation, nothing scientific.

Have a great day.

Warm Regards,

Rose

Kennarina

Hi again Jaynie...

I agree - direct communication is best, but it may take us many decades to refine and massage that skill!

<< "....Your example lady was projecting sarcasm, outrage and disappointment...that her mate wasn't acting in a team-work, togetherness way. She was trying to manipulate him emotionally which is alwasy passive-agressive. Which I used to do in my younger days : ) He was reacting in a reactionary passive-agressive way. Both acting immaturely...." >>

Actually, you might be reading way too much into that 'garbage can is overflowing' example. Deborah Tannen would say that neither are being immature, manipulative, passive-aggressive - all of her books look at these male-female communication tendencies as being hard-wired or at least socialized - not a concious act of sarcasm, manipulation or other psychosocial strategy. And she's a linguist - she merely reports on observations, without assigning judgement.

If in a large group of your women friends, the 'garbage can is overflowing' comment was made, you know what would happen, right? At least one and likely all the women would jump in and immediately say: "I'll take care of that!" because that is how women interpret women's naturally indirect command-giving style. AND you likely wouldn't look at the woman making the garbage can observation to other women and accuse her of showing sarcasm, outrage and disappointment, right? Not at all! It's not right or wrong - it's just how it is. Tannen is a scientist - she reports quite dispassionately about clinical observations, not her own personal opinion of good or bad ways to be.

For example, she says little girls are socialized from birth to not make a fuss, not be aggressive, not be hostile, not be pushy, and most of all, not be DEMANDING. So no wonder we grow up and resist giving the more direct 'take out the garbage' comment, which many consider to be 'nagging' (and is what their men will immediately accuse them of, too!) Even expert nags do not like to nag - yet will resort to it when the indirect 'garbage can is full' comments are not translated and responded to correctly.

Little boys acccording to Tannen's research, are socialized from birth to be the ones giving the orders and whose opinions/requests are paid attention to - so they grow up to be generally highly sensitive to being told what to do, or even the implication that they might be ordered around, particularly by women. And they are capable of interpreting almost any innocent comment as being 'ordered around'. Tannen links the majority of men who claim they do not like working for a female boss with these same observations. And she also says that while men may claim they want more direct communication from women ("If you want the garbage emptied, why don't you just SAY SO!?") the reality is that their radar for being 'ordered around' is set on HIGH all the time.

Some women (more cynical than I!) might also say that asking a man "Will you please cut the lawn in the next 2 days?" will of course be met with cheerful and loving cooperation in almost all new relationships - in the beginning. But what is a woman to do when the man agrees - but then nothing happens, for whatever reason? The dilemma for women: do I keep mentioning it? How long should I wait before I ask again? How often do I mention it without being accused of nagging? Or should I just cut the damn lawn myself??! No wonder women wonder why they even have to mention the lawn in the first place - doesn't he have his own eyes in his frickety-frackin' head to see that the lawn needs mowing?!?!

The beauty of Tannen's work is that there is no assigning of blame ("she's just being too XXX", or "he's just being too XXX") Instead, it's really more of "well, no wonder he/she behaves that way!" You might actually enjoy re-reading her "But You Just Don't Understand' book now, in light of these new fMRI studies you've found!

I've always loved her writing! It has helped me so much to understand the sometimes mystifying communication patterns of spouse/son/brothers/co-workers/friends!

XOXO


http://www.myheartsisters.org

heart39

Oh, Rose! The "dumb stick", what a hoot! But, true in some cases.

Thanks for the info Jaynie, I had no idea there were headphones for him. We just thought we all had to live with it. It makes the house very loud! I noticed my kids' voices getting louder as they grow up also. We have to talk over the ringing. And what a frustration when we're in the car! Then I get the "really" bad ear (his right). I'm not sure if he doesn't listen or hear. There's lots of "Yeah, I said that 2 blocks ago!" and I went through the "It's not my fault you can't hear". I'm now more accepting of his problem.

I have also found the direct method works the best. He doesn't hear my mumbling about how things aren't done anyway!

- Peg

martzj

Yes, Tannan is a linguist. And fMRIs are direct hard science. Both are needed. I have Tannan's books....she studies our acculturation, which has never stopped focusing on the pacification of male violence and poor impulse control.

If you know of any male culture on this planet that doesn't blame females for male acting out I would love to know about it and will move there asap. If you are the gender with the big scary muscles there isn't much cultural need for you to evolve beyond stomping around. It is the females that had to evolve far more complex receptivity and communication capacities...to keep themselves and offspring alive. It is females that had to evolve into hypervigilance to keep the species alive and thriving. Females have to approach indirectly because males may be threatened by female 'intelligence'. (we can read them like a book, or so they believe). In cultures where this is overt, women are forced to keep eyes lowered. Today.

I am only interested in the practical medical implications of this in the US, where I have spent a lifetime paying heavy income taxes, insurance payments and still nearly driven into an early grave because of it....while being billed for it. I am focusing on getting the best interpretive tools, training and scanning into the mainstream because these inherent biases (that can be changed, once acknowledged) are definitely killing women who could be saved.

Hany

I think the differences in the treatment of the sexes goes back hundreds of thousands of years. I dont believe its just how they are made. I think it is learned behaviour deeply inbedded in our culture over centuries and although there maybe alot of change over time some are not all that positive.
I dont hate men , I dont think they are all evil . I think some are ,just as some women are evil. But there is alot wrong with their thinking. I want to know a man that isnt a chauvernist but I am yet to come accross one. I am a feminist and according to the dictionary that means someone who believes in the equality of men and women. A chauvernist is someone that believes in the superiority of men over women.
I am reading the Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf at the moment and it is fascinating. It touches me deeply as it is all about how most men view women as objects of beauty or not. She talks about anorexia "Nothing justifies comparison with the Holocaust:but when confronted with a vast number of emaciated bodies starved not by nature but by men , one must notice a certain resemblance""Anorexia is a prison camp , to be anorexic or bulimic is to be political prisoner"
You just have to go to your local newsagent to see how warped this society has become. To look at the magazines that say "Posh spice has boob reduction " someone else has lipo on their stomach, "kerrys shocking 2 stone weight gain - look what she is doing to her body" "kerry plans to go to fat camp" So and so battle of the bulge, so and so is developing a belly ect.. ads saying Look amazing for only £500 per month cosmetic surgery. I wanna scream bloody murder. Where are the men ? Where is will youngs lipo? James Blunts beer belly? Or Robbie Williams weight gain?
She writes "In another survey of 114 undergraduate men , these replies emerged.
"I like to dominate a woman" 91.3%
"I enjoy the conquest part of sex" 86.1%
"some women look like they are just asking to be raped"83.5%
"I get excited when a woman struggles over sex"63.5%
"It would be exciting for me to use force to subdue a woman"61.7%

I think that is very frightening and is an example of mens desire for power over women.
She writes about house work "Husbands of full-time homemakers help out for an hour and fifteen mins a day, while husbands of women with a full-time job help less than half as long - thirty six mins .90% of wives and 85% of husbands in the US say the woman does "all or most" of the household chores.Married American men do only 10% more domestic work than they did 20 years ago. In Italy 85% of women with children and full time jobs are married to men who show no help in the home at all.
Its a fascinating book and I think all men should read it . Its time they changed .

Hany

P.S I thought it was funny when Ali G interviewed Naomi Wolf and she tells him she finds it really attractive when men do the washing up. I think thats a good tactic , dont nag , just tell him it turns you on when he does the housework!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyLSstqMvH8

martzj

Hey Peg,
" I had no idea there were headphones for him. We just thought we all had to live with it. It makes the house very loud!"

Yes, they are wireless headphones so he can be mobile and have it cranked up as loud as he likes...the rest of you could have the volume muted via your remote if you want silence for a while.

cheers, Jaynie

Kennarina

Hi Hany

<< "...I thought it was funny when Ali G interviewed Naomi Wolf and she tells him she finds it really attractive when men do the washing up. I think thats a good tactic , dont nag , just tell him it turns you on when he does the housework!.." >>

I LOVE this strategy! "Oh baby, the way you move that vacuum around the living room makes me so hot...."

Let's all try that, ladies, and report back to me! :-)

XOXOXO



http://wwwmyheartsisters.org

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