How do I learn to let go completely?

I have read so many good stories from the woman here and I think I have a good story myself. Its been almost a year since my heart attack, baby and triple bypass at 26yrs old. I have tried to do the whole letting go, but for some reason, I just cant. It can be the small things that set me off and stress me out. Or it can be the big things. When I first got home, I loved the mess and hectic life that was going on all around me. We had my sister and boyfriend and son and my husband's brother were all staying with us to help us out with the baby and me recovering. And I loved my son and nephew argue, actually gratefull I was there to hear it. I loved the busy dr appt between me and Haley and life seemed so simple. I didnt care about the socks on the floor or the dishes in the sink (maybe cuz I didnt have to clean up after them). Life just seemed to be right in place. Yes I had a hard time dealing with the fact that I could have a really bad arythmeia and die, but that is what the lifevest was for, and now my defibrillator. I just wish I could let go of things now. I do everything I did around the house now, that I did before the MI. The dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, and now the occasional yelling. My son has ADHD and doesn't listen very much. He drives me crazy even though I love him to death and wouldnt trade him for anything. Haley is walking and getting into everything. I have been laid off work since my birthday in Jan of 08, which really sucked because 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant with Haley. So she is such a momma's girl its not even funny. My sister drives me nuts because she has 4 kids and she hardly sees them, because she would rather be with her 22 year old boyfriend and she is 33/34 cant remember...lol. But its sad and it hurts me knowing its her kids that are suffering and you could talk to her until you are blue in the face and it would not matter. I'm trying to go back to school, I go Aug 3rd to figure out my schedule and I'm throwing my husband a surprise 30th birthday party this sat which I'm sure he knows about. I just feel really down and depressed and stressed out this week its crazy. If anyone has any advice they could possibly give me to learn to let the small things go, I would greatly appreciate it. I try the breathe in breathe out thing, but it dont work that good. I think I need to ask my dr for some medication for it, but i'm taking so much already...someone help me...lol.

By kardia
Posted July 24, 2009 at 10:24 am
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yep, it all is there isn't it...life with and without the defib...

The part I actually liked when you said it because I liked it in my own life, is that when you were in the process of healing you didn't mind socks on the floor and dishes in th sink...they all seemed so trivial at that point.

What is hard for me is when things are back to normal, now, and this underlying fear of something I can't even identify....probably the potential of death...seems to haunt me. It is keeping me from "going for it" in my career...my oversensitivity to others liking me is unbalanced entirely.

What I have learned about letting go, is that it is a practice and is never finished, never absolute, and goes on all day some times. Once settling into that reality, it takes away the power of thinking it needs to be gone permanently...because it does not....go like that.

When I hand it off to a power larger than me, it brings relief, but I usually take it back, then give it back...I pray for others, that helps, and I live through the uncomfortable moments without doing much damage....try to anyway. I try to remember they are only feelings they won't kill me.

Then I forget and do it all over again.

Getting down to the "heart" of the matter is closest to the soul and therein lies the truth...if we could only stay there we would be fine.

hang in there...

enjoy the journey of life....with heart disease ....it is more like "life interrupted"

kardia

By martzj
Posted July 24, 2009 at 11:20 am
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Hey Misty,

My, you are having a rough patch now aren't you. I'm sending you big ole e-hugs. Life is messy and complicated enough for women in perfect health.

Kardia has a beautiful way of saying things. I will only add that I have never been able to get away from it completely...but have become better over the years at choosing to ruthlessly edit my life into doing only what absolutely must be done. I swing between chanting 'I have everything I need' over and over in my mind to help calm down amidst intensely overwhelming situations.......and deciding I am only going to do something I absolutely enjoy for a few hours, even if the kids are burning down the house around me. (smile)

"I have everything I need' helps my attitude shift from freaked out panicky to laughing out loud relaxed. The fears will ebb and flow. Try to make sure you are engaged in what feels helpful and important to your daily life flow. Life after heart attack is about moments, moving through one to the next. One of the most momentous things that happened to me due to growing (undiagnosed) heart problems as a young woman was that the veils were lifted and I began to see how much other people were trying to dump into my lap and began handing it right back....including other people's parental responsibilities, chores. : )

YOU have everything you need. At all times. Go into that place.

many hugs to you from a sunny Virginia this morning,
Jaynie

By Misty1482
Posted July 25, 2009 at 10:20 am
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Thank you both sooooo much. You gave me some wonderful insight on how to look at things. You both made me smile and realize I CAN DO THIS. Even the bigger problems. Just need to relax and things will fall into place. Hopefully everything will go just fine tonight for the party...lol and if not what will be will be. It is what it is....LOL. Thank you both soooo sooo much. The fear haunts me sometimes too. I just wish it would go away. I'm supposed to be starting school to be an RN in the fall and I cant wait but then I think would I really be able to do it and for some reason I think of Bob the Builder (my son used to watch when he was little) and I want to yell out YES I CAN....LOL. Thank you both again. I'll write back soon...my daughter keeps getting into my computer desk drawers..
Misty

By laurali
Posted July 25, 2009 at 4:01 pm
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HI Misty-- I ditto everything that others have told you. "Letting go is a journey" -- I have to remind myself all the time about that. I pretend that there is a plaque above my kitchen doorway that reads that! One other thing: do you have something that, for you, just puts you in the zone, i.e. blocks everything out including time? I play the piano. When all the stuff around me and things I need to do (most all of them positive and fun) get to be just too much, I sit down and play the piano for 20-30 minutes and it brings me total relaxation and eases my heart and brain. You might think about what does that for you -- walking, driving the car on a quiet road, reading, painting (also does it for me), etc. Something that requires all of your focus and concentration and doesn't let anything else intrude. I know that's hard with young kids, but carving out time just for one thing is really wonderful and doesn't have to take hours. Take care. Hugs, laurali

By 9yrsandcounting
Posted July 26, 2009 at 11:58 am
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Hi Misty, you were right this site is just what I needed. Kind of feel whole again in some small way. My attitude about living normal has changed extremely. I got a book that helped me about not sweating the small stuff. I was such a perfectionist before all of this, 9 years ago. At the office, at home, even in the car. But all that changed now. Slowly but surely, I had to decipher what was really important, to what could wait and I wouldn't die from it.

I come from a very large family, and doing chores was an every day thing. Now, guess what? Those clothes CAN wait until tomorrow. I do things when I am in the mood, so to speak. I was on anti-depressants for eight years, and I thought that I really needed them because of my anxiety disorder. But now, I don't feel that I do, because I have modified the 12 step program in my life.

My second husband was an extreme alcoholic, and a lot of my stress and anxiety came from that. But my one of my sisters' and I started going to alonon, I still had my literature from that, so I started reading it again...

Long story short, instead of taking one step at a time, or one day at a time....I live moment by moment, not wanting to miss one smile from my new granddaughter, to my 15 year old starting 10th grade, (she was just 7 years when I had mine). I just ask myself is this really important to me, will I die if I don't do it. And most important....there really is a higher power watching over me.....

By Misty1482
Posted July 28, 2009 at 5:09 pm
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Laurali, I love to read...I would have to lock myself up in the bedroom to do so because with two kids its hard to stay in the reading for more than 2 minutes..lol. My 8 year old is always 'MOM can I do this or MOM can I do that'...and my 11month old is walking so I feel like I'm constantly saying NO NO. She just looks at me smiles says no no herself and goes back to doing what I told her NO NO in the first place for doing. LOL. My husband don't get home from work til sometime between 5 and 6 just depends on how long they need him and then its dinner and baths and bed...lol. Maybe I could try the reading after the kids are in bed..maybe the husband too...LOL. Thank you for the advice I will definitely keep that in mind.

By Misty1482
Posted July 28, 2009 at 5:12 pm
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9years and counting....Sorry you didnt put your name on here which is fine, so I just used what you put up...lol. I'm glad you like the site.. its awesome.. So many women willing to listen and share advice to. They are like lifesavors sometimes. Just absolutely beautiful intelligent women. Welcome and share and ask anything we are all here for a reason. Best of wishes, Misty

By MMaslek
Posted July 29, 2009 at 9:42 am
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Misty,

1st: Go on craigslist and buy one of those mini trampolines with the guardrail (about $20). Whenever your son gets too hyper, tell him its tramp time. Make him go wear off some energy by jumping. It works wonders!!! And when his energy level is under control, he'll be much, much easier to manage.

2nd: I'm sitting here on the computer looking at last nights dinner dishes in the sink. Shame on me!! Oh well, I'll get them done before I cook supper tonight. Buy yourself a small laundry basket. Throw it into the living room once a day & say everyone stop & pick up all the clothes!! Make them go through all rooms. Even the baby will try to help. (Probably not very effectively, but it's a start). 8 is not too young to have chores. He'll feel important having responsibilities. Take the help where you can get it.

3rd: You will be amazed at how wonderful you will do at nursing school. Especially now that you know exactly what it's like to be the patient. Good for you. Set an iron bedtime now (to get the kids into the routine before school starts) so that you have the rest of the evening to study when you start in the fall.

4th: Your sister sounds like she's a piece of work, but you have to understand & really really get it... It's not your responsibility to raise her kids. No matter how guilty you feel, you have to emotionally separate yourself from taking on her job. She will tire of the BF and go back to being a decent mom eventually after the midlife crisis wears off. Not your problem!!!

Hang in there honey, you're doing fine!!!! Stress is normal and after school starts back up you'll get more into a routine and worry less about the small stuff.

Amy

By martzj
Posted July 29, 2009 at 9:56 am
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Amy,

"3rd: You will be amazed at how wonderful you will do at nursing school. Especially now that you know exactly what it's like to be the patient. Good for you. Set an iron bedtime now (to get the kids into the routine before school starts) so that you have the rest of the evening to study when you start in the fall."

Loved your list! Great, inspired suggestions and so practical.

Yes. Good idea to get the 'iron bedtimes' started now so that battle will be overwith by the time kid school starts....and nursing school begins.

Misty, how exciting that you are going into nursing. We soooo need good, smart funny kind nurses to help us recover from the shock of doctor-patient impact. (smile)

Jaynie

By Patybluetx
Posted July 30, 2009 at 11:49 am
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Hi Misty,
I don't think I've met you yet, but I can certainly see where you're coming from pre CHF I was a stress ball, I would stress about everything. The truth is I'm a little OCD when it comes to cleaning (at least I used to be) then my life flipped upside down when I had to deal with congestive heart failure, a c-section and the loss of my daughter. As my therapist puts it, I existed for a long while and just recently began to live again. Thru therapy I learned that I had been too close to death to let the little things get to me. I started doing yoga...which surprisingly does help with stress management and started relying more on the people around me. They were BIG things to learn but it took me about a year of therapy to figure them out. I was also blessed with finding new friends that new what I was going thru and I could vent to which helps an incredible amount.
Those are the things that worked for me. I hope you find something that works for you!
Good luck!
Martha

By Misty1482
Posted July 30, 2009 at 7:48 pm
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Amy,
That was some awesome advice with the trampoline. That would work wonders for my son. The laundry basket would be great, but my husband and son would just look at it and wonder what its for even after I explained it to them. They are like talking to walls sometimes...lol. I should try it though. I have piled up things on the table for my husband and he takes it and either puts them in the corner in our room or in the basement. Its been a whirl wind with everything going on...my family has issues of their own and I need to learn that its not my immediate family(husband, son, daughter) so I can not be bothered with it. I really hope when school starts everything will work out. I know its going to be rough but I know if I put my mind to it I can do it.

Jaynie,
I guess I will have to be more stricter at bedtime because my son is so hard to get into bed and stay. He gets up for everything, and we even tell him to use the bathroom before he lays down. He is so much trouble when it comes to bed. We need a new system for that...lol.

Martha,
What a horrible thing to go thru. I couldnt imagine losing a child. I'm glad that you are doing much better now. I want to go to therapy myself, have been for a long time, just haven't gotten there yet. I think it will help me out. Especially coming to terms with what has happened to me. I have but I haven't. I know its happened to me, but some days I just dont except that it did happen to me. I want to be normal again, but I have to realize this is my normal life again. I read the one post about the letter from your heart diesase and thought that was wonderful. If you have not read it, you should its really good.

Thank you all for all the wonderful advice you all have given me. It has helped a lot. I'm going away this weekend so I hope that helps me out a little. Going to the country in KY. My husbands boss has some land down there with quads and I'm going riding....careful riding but riding...Lots of hugs and prayers to you all. I'll write when I get back.
Misty

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