Beginning to See More Clearly

Greetings, Heart Sisters!
What a week this has been! Since my very first post last week, I made some important changes in my life, and I can honestly say I believe they were healthy and wise decisions.

First, after three full days of what I came to believe were physical symptoms of a deeper anxiety, I called the local clinic to make an appointment with a nurse practitioner (CNP). I was able to see her the next day, and brought a good friend with me (two sets of ears). She listened intently, took a full history, did a thorough exam, ordered a chest X-ray and some blood work. The tests were normal. She concluded (as I did) that I was suffering from a form of acute anxiety. She wanted to increase the dosage on my Zoloft (I was on very low dose), and I told her I would be willing if she got the approval from my cardiologist. She also prescribed Xanax for acute "attacks." The following day, my cardiologist approved.

The other part of her "prescription" was to take an intentional time away from anything church-related. So I called my supervisor, who did not even question the request. I am now on a two-week Leave of Absence and will return to the pulpit Memorial Day Weekend. The hardest part about the Leave is missing the Confirmation Service. I already missed a funeral, which was scheduled the day after my surgery, and now to miss Confirmation ... in so many ways it feels as if I've let everyone down.

So, I also went to see my counselor last night. The good news is that I'm not beating myself up about missing Confirmation - I'm not dwelling on that. After all, life does go on, and we can't predict or plan everything. I had a very good session with her. I'd been seeing her for work-related issues, and this was to be my graduation session. Now with this profound change in my life, we've scheduled two more sessions and decide from there if I need more.

I've had some short conversations with a few friends, and when I bring up the Leave, I tell them this: Let's say I'm leading a group of people - any group of people for whatever reason. If I were to ask the people, "How many here at some point in your life have given advice to another person on how to take care of himself or herself?" How many hands do you suppose would go up? (the answer of course, is most). "Now, keep your hands up. Next question. How many here have followed your own advice?" How many hands do you suppose would stay up? (the answer of course, is few, if any).

That's my truth. I did not take my own advice. Speaking from experience, pastors and teachers are notorious for putting ourselves last, for not taking good care of ourselves because we are far too wrapped up in taking care of others. I can't speak to other professions, but I do not doubt others would fit in that boat, too. So while I was freely giving others advice and permission to take care of themselves, to take the time they needed to get back to whatever level of health they needed to return to, I completely neglected ME. And the anxiety said, "NOT THIS TIME. You need to take care of YOU."

Mercifully, I did eventually listen. Had I known better, I would have taken the Leave at the beginning of this journey. I simply had no way of knowing how I would respond/react to these changes, so tried to go on as I normally would ... ... ... Thankfully, I am able to live and learn!

Now it's one week since my first post, and three weeks since my ICD placement. The incision is healing beautifully, with very little swelling and tenderness left. My Latitude Communicator is set up and operating. My Medical Alert jewelry is on my person. My anxiety symptoms are becoming fewer, farther between, and less pronounced.

AND, I still have 10 full days to take care of me!!!
Praise the Lord!!!

Hugs to all,
Wanda