I'm lonesome and down

I'm new to this site and haven't seen any of the discussions. But I just need to talk and let some things out.

I am 56 years old and I was diagnosed with breast cancer in September of 2007. My maternal grandmother had breast cancer when she was in her 70's and died a year later of nonrelated causes. My mother has had breast cancer 3 different times, her first instance when she was 71 and her last breast cancer was diagnosed the same week as mine. When I found out about her 3rd diagnosed I and my surgeon concurred that I needed a double mastectomy. Fortunately I did not need any follow up treatment other than Arimidex which I take daily. My mother unfortunately required chemotherapy and is now on a year's therapy of Herceptin by IV. Throughout the Fall I maintained a positive attitude, I was happy to be alive and I ready uplifting materials and focused on the power of the mind over the body. I listened to easy listening tapes, healing tapes, did Reiki therapy and changed my diet based on what I had read.

I had just moved to my current community back last Spring, and that summer I dealt with several of my animals being sick which increased my debt load. And I was in a bad living situation and I had just moved to a new place in August. I wasn't able to complete my move until after Christmas. The medical bills began pouring in. I didn't have that much time off that was paid from work. My brother and Y-Me Breast Cancer organization helped me with my rent, utilities and groceries. Early in 2008 I saw a lawyer and in March went to bankruptcy court for a Chapter 13 liquidation. That Fall I also started experiencing blood in my stool and I did not have the chance to have it tested until January. Thankfully the colonoscopy came out clear, and I burst into tears at the hospital when I was given the news, so thankful I didn't have cancer there too. At the end of the year my workplace moved offices, and the owner kept making comments about business being bad and how he could not continue that way.

In late January, my only sibling – my older brother, was diagnosed with a malignant melanoma. By that time I was really worn down. I called my mother the evening I found out and she said "What is happening to our family?". My supervisor at work continued saying negative things about business and at one point called me into his office and told me things were going to have to get better or he might not be able to keep me. I spent all my after work hours looking for work, but with the bad economy I was going no where. Finally my supervisor called me in his office and cut my pay to a salary I could not live on. Thankfully that evening I was offered another job.

I started the new job, and am thankful to have employment. But everything is new and I don't really know anyone there and no one knows me or what I've been through. My co-workers at the old job all knew what I had been through and pitched in to help me get through it. I could talk to them about what I had gone through. At the new job, no one knows and I am too scared to say anything about it. To top it off, my immediately co-workers have not been very friendly at all and I am so lonesome there I can hardly stand it. One of the things I did back last Fall too is change my diet in a major way, and they seem to think of that as an inconvenience or something I'm just being ridiculous with, rather than knowing and understanding what I've been through and why I've made the diet decisions I've had. So I'm just at the point now I've just been crying this weekend and I'm just feeling like I've been through too much.

By Adance
Posted June 30, 2008 at 12:18 am
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We are here for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers! Keep smiling ...things have to get better. Would love to chat-send me a message.
Alicia

By AGray
Posted June 30, 2008 at 10:53 pm
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Hi Alicia, thanks so much for the words of encouragement. I was wondering about you and how you are doing. Your page didn't say much about what has been going on with you. I'm new to this site and figuring out how it works! I hope you are doing better. Please let me know how you are. I am feeling better this evening. I've just been overwhelmed, and it really helped me to get it off my chest!

By AGray
Posted July 1, 2008 at 10:02 pm
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Curlee thanks for the note about bringing baked goods, it's a good thought. My new diet can feel pretty drastic at times, but basically I kind of go by the book I read by Dr. Andrew Weil, a physician in integrative medicine, called "spontaneous healing". What he talks about is eating in a way that will build up the immune system. I wanted to do that because of my family history, and me getting breast cancer I didn't want to have it come back in less than 10 years like my Mom. Even though I've had the double mastectomy. And I think actually I'm combining what that book with some other stuff I read. I got the books I read from Memorial Hospital's library where I got my surgery. But it's mostly vegetarian and definitely low fat. I try to eat the recommended 5 servings of fruits and veggies a day. And I eat whole wheat and grains. he also talks about pesticides and how they can bombard our DNA and immune system, so I try to eat organic when I can. But lots of times I can't afford that. Any meats or poultry I don't eat unless they're organic because meats store pesticides in more strength than veggies. And I don't want anything that has had hormones injected in it because my cancer was strongly estrogen positive. Even though I'd had a complete hysterectomy. But I can get organic chicken at Wal Mart with the skin on it for $6 for a nice size packet. And I'll eat seafood that's not organic (I don't think that's even offered organic anyway....) No dairy products unless they're organic, but I can get organic eggs and yogurt at Wal Mart for a reasonable price.

I'd love to hear a little about you if you'd like to share it. Take care.

By LaGata
Posted July 2, 2008 at 10:04 am
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AGray,

With estrogen positive breast cancer also, I was warned to avoid anything with soy because it acts as estrogen in the body. I became an avid label reader and discovered there is soy in almost EVERYTHING now days. The new trans-fat ban that went into law in New York means that soy products are substituted for anything that used to have hydrogenated fats. Most of the rest of the foods in the USA are going the same way so be careful with your breads and whole grains and read the labels. Fruits and vegetables, chicken and fish, when they're not breaded or fried sounds like the ideal way to eat and get healthy. Keep up the good work.

By AGray
Posted July 4, 2008 at 8:05 am
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LaGata, I had read that also about soy and had been avoiding it too. I had in that past couple of years before the diagnosis been drinking soy milk, or mostly using it on cereal, because I thought it was healthy. Then I read about it raising estrogen and was mortified. And I discovered what you said, cuz I read labels too, and was amazed at all the products that have soy in them - even things like granola bars, and herb tea has that soy lecithin whatever that is. And of course anything considered vegetarian - i.e. frozen meals or meals at restaurants - so much of the time has soy in it. I really didn't know that soy products were substituted for hydrogenated fats though.

Can you tell me what you are doing diet wise and what the reaction is of people around you? That's often what gets to me is the negative reaction of people to my diet.

By LaGata
Posted July 4, 2008 at 11:17 am
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AGray,

My biggest challenge, food wise, is getting my husband to stop bringing me things that he thinks are treats. Things I used to love like occasional corn dogs. When, if, I turn them down, he's hurt.

We do not live a "normal" lifestyle. I cannot get him to do the regular meal time thing so it's catch as catch can. He does do a lot of the cooking and I have taught him to use olive oil, but the rest of the time I'm better off eating alone, anyway.

On the mornings when I can eat breakfast (I hate eating in the mornings), I usually have oatmeal with raisins or other fruit and non-fat milk. Lunch is soup, something simple like split pea (lots of fibre and it's a green veggie), or maybe some non-fat refried beans on a tortilla, or a tuna sandwich with greens (just tuna, not mixed with the usual delicious things like mayo). Dinner depends entirely on if I'm working late, if I'm alone, which is usual, and what I'm in the mood for. Sometimes it's just a small piece of broiled chicken with a couple of different veggies, sometimes it's fish, cooked lightly in olive oil, and if hubby is in the house, it may be a sinful piece of pizza or something from take-out.

I only have fat-free milk, that took a while to get used to but I did it gladly and can't go back. 2% tastes terrible now. I've never been one to cover my food with condiments like steak sauce or even katsup and I think that helped. (And they don't usually contain soy!) I drink at least one or two cups of green tea a day and the rest of the time it's coffee or just water. I never developed a taste for anything carbonated.

As for what the people around me think? There is seldom anyone around me during regular meals. When I have a business meeting or some such, it's not a problem because there are so many vegetarians and vegans in this area. They just think I'm doing their thing and don't say anything. LOL, works for me!

You could try something like, "I used to eat like you but I discovered how sick it can make people". That's a little harsh, but useful if they get rude about it. Probably the best thing, if you can, is to just ignore their remarks and change the subject. You are the most important thing when it comes to your eating habits. You know what you should or shouldn't have.

Or you could give them a gentle lecture. Tell them what is known about estrogen containing foods and what it does to the body and if it's a guy that is giving you problems, ask him if he's started to have menopause, hot flashes or PMS because of all the estrogen and fat he's eating! LOL!!! I don't know if that's true or not, but...

I read an article about restaurants switching to soy oil almost a year ago. When KFC was finally chided hard enough to switch, I asked the manager at my usual one if they are now using soy oil. He looked strangely at me for a minute and said yes. That's the only oil they can go to that gives a similar taste to the food, can be used over and over and isn't horrendously expensive. He made the remark that soy farmers are "taking over the world!". LOL!!!

Now you know why I don't get into personal matters on these boards, usually, but you needed answers and you asked.

My best to you, AGray. And let me know how you're doing.

By AGray
Posted July 4, 2008 at 12:28 pm
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Thanks LaGata for sharing. I have actually gone to eating only meat and poultry that is organic (and dairy foods) because of the pesticides/hormones injected into the meat. Which means I don't eat much meat - bhecause I wanted low fat in the first place and most meats I can't afford organic! Walmart has organic chicken for cheap and organic yogurt. And i've gone to Rice milk. I was always allergic to dairy products any way. But some times I'll eat Mexican and have some regular cheese! And I'll eat plain old seafood. I know a woman in our community who founded the Y-Me Breast Cancer local chapter here about 20 years ago who had cancer in one breast, then the other within the same year and had a double mastectomy. Since then she's followed diet and lifestyle changes - mostly vegetarian she said. Whatever the reason, she's been cancer free ever since. She's in her early 70's.

I wish I lived wherever you lived! I live in Chattanooga and it's so conservative here!!!!

Take care.

By AGray
Posted July 4, 2008 at 12:32 pm
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Alicia, I can't find your journal or discussion area to reply, so I'm replying from mine about the Port

I got this email from my cousin, who's son who was in his early 20's was diagnosed with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma about 3 years ago. He underwent a year of treatment and is remaining cancer free.
This is what she said.

Yes, Ben had a port from the very start of his chemo and it was great that he didn't get stuck every time he went. They even had a cream medication for him to apply about an hour before we went to his chemo that deadened the port site and that made it even better. They left it in for about six months after he finished his chem and then took it out. He has a small scar and no other effects. I hope this helps!

By LaGata
Posted July 4, 2008 at 2:29 pm
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AGray,

Chattanooga more conservative than Utah!!! That's hilarious! We're seen as about the most conservative state in the union and definately the most Republican. But I do live in Ogden which has always been the least conservative until about the last 30 years or so. Ogden is where the railroad had it's hayday so we had drinking, gambling and the things that used to go with them and our 25th Street or better known as "Two-Bit Street" was known around the world during the world Wars.

But I must give credit where it's due, Mormons, as a whole, are much better mannered and accepting than most of the other people I've run into. Also, having Weber State University here, draws a lot of the younger set that is into such things as being vegetarian and social rebels. Makes life a bit easier for those of us that don't fit the mold of "normal", even when it's a medical situation that made us that way.

Also, AGray, my apologies. I sent you a response to a message earlier and somewhere I got the idea that Alicia was your name. Sorry.

By shellyb47
Posted July 17, 2008 at 5:48 pm
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Man I know how you feel, but then some how sometime during the day that feeling goes away. I can have a small pity party and then hours later I find myself trying to fix the washing machine or painting alittle more of my living wall. I chalk up the downness to the experiane of trying to relearn who I am and how I am supposed to live and not exist. Now after reading all the comments to your note I have to check out if my supplements have SOY. I never knew, they dont talk to me about diet. YET.

By LaGata
Posted July 18, 2008 at 10:47 am
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shellyb47,

Most of the information I get on diet, excercise, and side effects of medication are from the nurses in the chemo room. Then I hit the computer and double check with my doctor during the next appointment. It would be nice if they just handed one a folder of papers to begin with but things change so often and so quickly that the nurses we deal with regularly are probably the best source anyways. And the many cancer sites online that I check regularly.

There is so much information online and different groups that keep up with the latest information and sift it for the "real " deal as opposed to the garbage and thank goodness they do. I credit a couple of online groups with my navigating through this maze of diagnosis, treatment and survival. Without them and the information I glean from them I don't think I'd have made it this far. My cancer was 3C, er+ pr and HER2- and a 6 cm tumor was removed with my breast. All 18 of 18 nodes removed were positive for cancer so it wasn't an insitu diagnosis.

As to how we learn to live on this side of the bridge, we each have to find our own way. Some become mountain climbers and such, others, like me, just continue on with their lives much like they used but with a renewed appreciation that we're still living and learning.

I've always been one that wanted to know what makes something work. Take it apart, put it back together, ask questions and question everything. I look for the out of the ordinary information that doesn't get much play like the fact that artificial beta carotene, when one is a smoker, causes lung cancer. I'm also into getting as much information as I can find on artificial supplements of all types that might really be bad for people. Goes to show that the old saw about getting your vitamins and minerals from FOOD being the best way, might be the best advise after all. But don't stop taking your supplements until the verdict is in, just don't take more than a basic amount. They're *supplements*, after all.

By AGray
Posted July 22, 2008 at 8:51 pm
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Shelby (and Lagata - I just now saw your response als0)
Oh I'm back up again now. Much as I know being positive and upbeat is good for the healing system, too much of it without allowing yourself to grieve can be I think just as damaging! I'm with you. I like to get involved doing projects. Like I just finished painting my bedroom furniture. And I'm getting together some photography to sell. And back to painting acrylics when I can. Doing what I can.

Doctors don't know anything about diet! I read a book I picked up at Memorial Hospital by Dr. Andrew Weil, who incorporates traditional medicine with holistic medicine, and he graduated from Harvard an M.D. and said he decided he didn't want to treat patients the way he had been taught to treat them! Only looking at treating disease rather than looking at prevention in the first place. So I really like a lot of what he has to say and do my best to follow some of the diet recommendations he had in the book that are designed to boost the immune system.
that's where I got most of my information. And I read Norman Cousins' Anatomy of an Illness that emphasizes the importance of a mutual and trusting relationship between patient and practitioner and the importance of a sense of humor in healing. Those were my two main books. I read some other materials but particular Dr. Weil's book is the one I stick to most closely.

I'm like LaGata in that (and this follows Norman Cousin's recommendation) if I am diagnosed with something I want to understand it. If I can understand something I can cope with it. I don't want mystery when it comes to my health. So I read a lot of magazine articles and a book or two I picked up from Memorial Hospitals library (where I had surgery) to understand cancer/path reports/diagnosis/treatment etc. I drive doctors that just want a quiet patient who listens to them and does what they say only - well I drive them nuts. but I'm going to be informed, and I'm going to ask questions! That's me! It helps me heal!

Take care, and keep in touch!

By LaGata
Posted July 23, 2008 at 10:34 am
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Agray and shellyb47,

LOL! Here I go popping bubbles again... Are you ware that an overactive immune system is called such things as Lupus??? It can actually make your body allergic to or damaging to your own body. Don't overdue it on the immune system strengthing strategies. Just use good sense.

LaGata aka Laura

By LaGata
Posted July 24, 2008 at 1:57 pm
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Agray, Adance, shellyb47 and curlee,

I just caught a "crawler" (the printed announcements that go across the bottom of the screen) when I was listening to Obama's speech in Berlin that said the Journal on Human Reproduction has announced that "even modest amounts of soy can halve (cut by half), sperm reproduction" !!!

By AGray
Posted July 26, 2008 at 7:43 pm
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Lagata, good point on the immune system stuff. I actually have an autoimmune disorder called pernicious anemia. I've read about it before and I remember at the time they were thinking it might be Lupus. I can't remember what I've read, I'm thinking that autoimmune might mean the immune system being overactive. But I've forgotten!

By LaGata
Posted August 27, 2008 at 12:54 am
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AGray,

Aack! I can't believe that I've not been checking this site more carefully and haven't responded to your last note. My apologies! I've been a little "off" this month.

Yes, when the autoimmune system is overactive and turns on itself is when it is a serious problem. The best thing we can do, barring special circumstances like your pernicious anemia, is to eat healthy foods and try to get one's vitamins that way.

I recently read an article on a study that indicated the people who took regular high amounts of vitamins, like the ones usually sold by MLM's and such, actually had higher overall death rates. Some chemical vitamins, like vitamin C, may be the same chemically but in the natural form they work differently. Or there is something else there that our bodies use to protect against the ill effects. They've certainly not identified every compound we run into as yet.

You were so right about doctors not knowing anything about diet. Trouble is some researchers and nutritionists don't seem to either! LOL!!!

LaGata aka Laura

By AGray
Posted August 27, 2008 at 10:44 pm
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Laura, actually after the last exchange of emails we had I re-read some of Dr. Weil's material and it's really all about building health and having an adequate balance in terms of the immune system - a healthy immune system. At any rate I continue the diet and do my best to ignore comments about it from negative minded people. Most of the time I don't talk with people about it!

Are you still in treatment, or past it and taking a pill like Tamoxafin or Arimidex? And you mentioned your Mom undergoing chemo, what kind of cancer does she have?

I laugh when I see the picture of 3 black cats running through the house! I have two but I don't see them running through the house much. They just love to go outside in the morning. I used to have a cat door that you put a white plastic thing over the clear plastic door to shut it. A few weeks ago I switched to a clear plastic door that just has a lever at the bottom that you can turn to open it or close it. I put them inside every night and open the cat door in the morning for them to go outside. It's funny but they still don't quite know how to read this cat door. They knew that when the other one was clear plastic, it meant they could go outside. But this one is clear plastic all the time! So in the morning when I open it, I'll make sure the cats are nearby and I'll put my hand through it a few times to show them the flap is open. But sometimes, like this morning, they'll still just sit there cuz they just don't quite get it. Then I'll open the regular door and they'll run out!

I can understand so well the issues with financial troubles. For me, I had my own individual insurance policy that was a $3500 deductible and of course I went over that last year. After that it paid 100% but I couldn't afford the deductible, and that combined with some hospital bills about 4 years ago from an automobile accident, when I had insurance with a $5000 deductible, put me over the top. I filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy and it went through in March. For me, i absolutely hate the medical system in this country. No matter what you do you go into debt when you get sick. Or you get sick and don't get treatment because you cannot afford the medical bills. And I with my new job, I have health insurance tied with the employer (that I pay for) with a choice of 3 plans - one was a lousy one that I can't afford anyway, one was good if you don't have a major ongoing illness and the other was good if you have a major ongoing illness or surgery, but stunk for just having an average year. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't!!
Take care and hug the cats for me. I've been going to the Petsmart down the block from where I work on Monday-Wednesday-Friday and petting the cats that the Humane Association has there for adoption.

By LaGata
Posted August 28, 2008 at 11:59 am
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Alicia,

I finished treatments on January 13th 2006 and have been on Arimidex since then. My mother has metastasized omentum cancer.

Being so low income and since I'm the only "provider", the only financial support in the household, I qualified for Medicaid. That is a worry all by itself as I still have a mortgage and if I die before my husband, he might still be able to live here, maybe (his name is not on my deed), but he won't be able to afford the house payments and will end up being foreclosed on. The house payments are relatively small but he is money stupid! That brings it's own worries. Not so much for him as for my cats. He loves them too but where will they live then?

I've read many items and articles about health care and the way other countries handle it. There are a few European countries that have plans that seem to be working very well. Of course they are tax expensive but look at our situations! Is it better that the people who need the help get financially devastated or lose their lives for lack of care, so that the rich can keep their money? Or, another view, I'm already on tax supported health care. It really won't make much difference to me. I'm beginning to sound like people I don't like!

We have had a major issue with one of my husband's outdoors cats, Bob. He was missing for a day and a half and that is very unusual. Mark found him late Saturday night, unable to use his hind legs. He "threw" a blood clot and it stopped where the main artery splits to feed blood to his hind legs. Since Monday he's had the three required Heparin shots, he's on baby aspirin, Clavamox, finished his pain meds and needs almost constant attention as he cannot get anywhere by himself. Hubby put Bob's carrier right beside the couch (that's Mark's bed) and is so good with him. The vet said there's a chance he could recover the use of his legs but it will be a long haul and there will always be the risk of it happening again.

There is one good thing to come out of all this, I was getting seriously "furbaby hungry", now I'm helping take care of Bob. I'm the one that gets to give him his medicine so he's not too happy with me. When I get too close to his carrier, his eyes get so big and he'd run if he could but he doesn't really fight me. He just won't cooperate. LOL!

I feel fairly comfortable with petting the cats at PetSmart and other places and walking away. It's the tiny babies I'm a sucker for. And if there's a black kitten that's 3 weeks or younger and needs a mama, I'll avoid the vicinity!!! Well, maybe.... LOL!!!

Laura

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