Bucket List

Gee whiz. There's not even a TOPIC option for untreatable, terminal cancer. I guess we're not expected to have much to say. Guess again!

It IS frustrating.... I consider myself a survivor, for now, but unless I get hit by that serial-killer bus ("I could get hit by a bus tomorrow!"), then this cancer is going to kill me. It's ironic; the radiation that saved my life 26 years ago (cervical, HPV-caused; just one more thing to blame on my ex-husband....) is NOW making this radiation-CAUSED cancer (Bladder) untreatable. Chemo's out; the blood supply lessening that the radiation caused makes it unlikely that the drugs would even hit the target. My pelvis, and alllll of its contents are literally dissolving. Thus far, the radiation (cesium implant & outdoor beam) has cost me a hip, a bladder, and has "given" me a colostomy AND a urostomy. (Talk about irony! I got bladder cancer 4 years after losing my bladder! Neato!) There's nothing, treatment-wise, to be done. I'm not even sure if I want to know how/when it's spread.... what's the point?

So I'm thinkin' about my bucket list. With finances being such an issue, and dwindling strength, I've been thinking so "small", like, uh cleaning my underwear drawer (!!), addressing my final expenses (eBay sells cremation urns!! Seriously!), and such. But I AM saving to go out to San Diego, to see my Mom, daughter, and granddaughter while I'm still healthy enough to do so. But my question to ya'll is:

What would be on YOUR bucket list? Who/what/where would you like to see? What experiences would make your heart full? Any CRAZY stuff --- like stalking a star or something? (Just kidding.... don't get any ideas!!) OR.... are you happy enough right where you are, and just want more of the same? I have moments of THAT.... I've planted all kinds of perennials, to outlive me, and remind Mother Earth I was here. It's interesting; they're all blooming!! Who knew I was such a gardener?! I play with all my critters (hubby calls me Ellie May....), laugh whenever possible, avoid the blues with the help of a $4 anti-depressant. (The price made me sooo happy I didn't even NEED the Rx!!)

IS THERE a place where we who are STILL fighting, but essentially doomed, can openly discuss dying? Because THAT would be enormously therapeutic for me. It's hard to "pretend" all the time, with family or friends, or others who are in denial. It's not being morbid, it's being REAL. I've faced everything in my life head-on, and don't expect that to change. I'm dying. It'll happen sooner than later, and it would help so much just to talk to others facing the same fate. (YES, I know we're ALL dying.... some just more imminently than others.) But to talk about our fears, and legitimate concerns with others facing the same thing(s) would go a looong way toward alleviating the sense of isolation I feel sometimes.

Oh. Nice to meetcha!! My name's Kathy, I'm 52, live in Arkansas, am a cervical cancer survivor of 26 years, and currently have Stage IV, high grade urothelial TCC cancer. Plus.... I'm a Taurus. LOL.

By Brokenmoms
Posted August 2, 2009 at 7:02 pm
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You can openly discuss dieing with me.... oh, Hi how are you? My name is Liana. and etc etc....

Drop your veil and share with me what you need to that the pretend world and voice is sooooo tired of saying.

I am a Minister to women, moms and the dieing that are often forgotten....

I currently am getting ready to go in and have this cervical cancer that loves to keep coming back removed, again. Was really moved by what you are going through, the irony or whatever..... just wanted to extend a hand and say, hey... brokenmoms@gmail.com

By katzwhisker
Posted August 3, 2009 at 12:21 am
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Hi Liana (beautiful name AND screen name!).

Thank you for your welcoming response to my post --- there's nothing specific I need/want to say (at least right now). It's more that on the Bladder cancer site, everyone is deeply involved in their fight; because they have a fighting CHANCE. I AM A BUMMER & A DOWNER, in that regard, and I hesitate to jump in and say "Suck it up! You're alive!". Not that I WOULD, mind you; it's just that either terminal patients aren't posting, or are, uh, already gone. Maybe it's just the inherent support of someone saying, "I know exactly how you feel".... there's a huge comfort in that. Mind you.... I haven't "given up".... which would be what some think my message is. Quite the opposite --- I'm having to FACE up to the hardest struggle ever. And believe me... I've had several really hard struggles. One HUGE adavantage I have now is that I've come so close to dying in the past, that I reached the acceptance phase; to know that it awaits me is an amazing and ultimately beautiful thing. At least I know that.

I purposely have not asked my doctor the "how long" question. I'm just wayyyy too suggestible. It was enough to hear that my odds of surviving 5 years WITH chemo are the same as withOUT..... zero. That's enough for me. I am grateful, actually, that I won't be going through chemo, as it really wouldn't help, in my particular situation, and given my current health, I couldn't withstand it. For now, I get along fine, some aches & pains, bleeding, etc. but manageable. I'll take it.

Thank you again, and I hope to hear more of YOUR story, as well as others. Be well, and be happy.

IN JOY,

Katz

By LynnLuc
Posted August 3, 2009 at 4:50 pm
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Well, They say the aveage life expectancy for Melanoma stage 4 is 6-9 months...and with that being said they also said they don't know how long I have had it....sooooo...I still believe in miracles and exceptions to rules and it isn't over till this fat lady sings (and goes to a clinical trial or two). You body is as unique as mine and that also has a role in survival. I am 53 mom grandma and still breaking in the 2nd hubby and I am not ready to hang it up. Can't afford to buy a bucket to put a list in, so for now...I just do whatever the next day brings and continue to pray a lot. It's a bummer when I have to talk to SSI people or tell my ole co-workers how I am doing and what the doctors say...so days I really do "almost" forget the cancer...not in denial...just don't want iworry consuming my life. It's had to stay positive when everyone else is so negitive...

By spaisley39
Posted August 9, 2009 at 10:35 am
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Kathy, (Hello Liana and Lynn)

First and foremost...you are NOT a "bummer and downer"! You are inspirational to others. Of course, in a situation such as yours, (I'm so sorry) some days must seem very long (or too short for that matter). I cannot relate to you on the level of "dieing" right now with the exception of "we are all dieing a little each day". I know, corny, and I'm sure it doesn't help at all. Altough I am experiencing the dieing frough my sister. :-( As you have shown, it's how we deal with what we have been dealt. You had mentioned you wanted to go see your Mother and daughter and grandaughter. Can you and your hubby plan a roadtrip? Do you have the stamina for that? Where do you live in Arkansas? I live in a suburb of Memphis so I am guessing we don't live too far from eachother. I would love to try and visit eachother. I am not nearly as good at words as you...perhaps someday :-). Oh, as for my buket list...I would have dinner with Garth Brooks!!! :-) Please let me know if you would like to try and get to together. I can give you my phone # and we could chat. I would love that if you are up to it. Besides...my entire family already "knows" you from the quotes I have sent them that you have posted. You have literally changed my way of thinking (for the good) since I have been reading your posts. Thank you my dear friend!

Please be in touch,

Stacy

By bonn
Posted August 10, 2009 at 10:44 am
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You may express anything you want here on this sight..It is very helpful to many others who might not want to say these things....It is not a matter of giving up...It is your right to live the way you want to for whatever length of time you have left...Blessings upon you and yours.....

By yesshecan
Posted August 11, 2009 at 10:41 am
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I get it. What can you connect to when your connections are shadowed by the inevitable'I'm not going to be here for very long' ? It does go back to the relationships that are meaningful, and you are going to travel to take care of those. Yes. I know that no one gets a time promised to them, but when you are so very aware that something inside of you is working to kill you, and there is nothing you can do about it, it can stunt your engagement with the world around you.
Give yourself permission to experience all the feelings this brings up, and recognize that the only control you have left is how you chose to face this. Some small comfort, but it is there. You make oyur bucket list, circle the wagons, and embrace what life you do have left.
I am stage IV cervical cance, all clear at the moment with a new lung nodule being followed(7mm, but no uptake). My daughter is leaving for college, son in med school, and have solo parented for a long time. The empty house in my future scares me, My bucket list includes travel, and hopefully moving closer to family. Its a big move, and my energy is low, some complications financially might get in the way. I am afraid of being so far away from everyone and getting too sick and being alone. When thinking about dying, of the cancer winning, its the being alone and far awy from everyone that carries the biggest dark cloud.

By bookworm228
Posted August 24, 2009 at 12:22 pm
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i read your post, and was inspired to join this group although i do not have cancer. would like to talk to you soon-leaving for the day for dr appointments with 2 of my girls, You touched my heart. I do not have a bucket list, nor have i seen the movie, but only heard about it, and plan on putting that as number one on my bucket list--(to see the movie! w for firstanna discuss yours with me? I am 53, live in Pa. 4 kids, 2 special needs daughters i adopted, oldest daughter leaving for college in 3 days, etc. My dad died one year ago from lung cancer, so I am familiar of the ugly giant. Hope to hear from you--also, I do believe in Jesus and will -at some time -want to discuss your beliefs- if you are willing hope to hear from you-Love, Patti Miller

By clkempf
Posted October 16, 2009 at 9:35 am
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Hey I'm on your list too! I have cholangicarcinomia, fancy name for bile duct cancer, that has mast to my liver. This is a rare cancer that no one even lists it. I feel so alone on this journey. I feel good, look good, have no pain. Which I THANK THE LORD each day for !! So, I still think in my head they have the wrong person when they tell me this stuff..BUT I know it's true I have seen the scans ..it is so surreal!!! I have been to the local Onocoligists and to the Mayo Clinic they are all doing the best that they can for me, but I know it is in reality a death sentence. I have been working hard since my diagnosis only 4 weeks ago to get some order in my life. I have been cleaning out closets, giving my sisters and children their photos, any family things to pass down to the next generation, etc. Doing the will, and cementary things and just getting it all in order so my children and my husband do not have to be burdened with it later. So I really am in your club!! So if you want to chat please let me know... **HUGS* Your not alone!

By clkempf
Posted October 16, 2009 at 9:40 am
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BTW Kathy I am 52 also....have 3 kiddles, 8 Gradchildren and a loving husband. I also have the Lord in my heart and that helps ...I love life...and I do not want to die yet.. But I hwas given 6 montsh without treatment and possibly 2 years with. I am going to fight fight fight with everything I have.. so every thing you have went through you can share with me. They are starting chemo thsi next Monday, then if it shrinks, (I have a 6.7cm tumor in my liver), then they are talking Therasphere, chemoembolilism, or Y-90..which Ihave no idea what that is.. But heck I guess I'm game for anything at this stage of the game. Especially if it can help someone else later~ This is a very fustrating disease....I understand you!

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