Oh is crying time again...
Current mood: lonely
Category: sad Life
Life is hard. Who ever said it wasn't didn't really live. These days I take one step forward and two steps back. I'm slowly getting back to MY house. I'm trying to make it mine. I'm decorating it the way I want to and I don't have to ask anyone if they like it. I guess thats a good thing. I've been walking and walked 20 miles but had to stop because of a cyst on my spine/hip area. I had it drained and have to take it easy for a bit till I can get back to walking. I miss my walks. It was my time to think, contemplate, cry, laugh, dance, whatever I wanted. I've been walking on the Hoodlebug Trail and rarely see anyone. I just have my headphones on listening to Rascal Flatts and Gary Allan. It kept me calm. Now that I can't do it, I'm going stir crazy. I want to get back to it asap! I started classes and am in my sophomore year. I worry that I will be able to do it this year...stay on the dean's list. That's important to me. But this week will be hard. I'm coming up on the two year anniversary of losing the love of my life. I wonder if I'll get through it and I also wonder if I will ever love again. I don't think that can happen. I know I will never have what Doug and I had, but I'm guessing one only gets one soul mate in a lifetime. I do miss having someone to talk to, someone to do things with, someone to hold me. I go to bed alone and I wake up alone. I put a smile on my face when I'm in public, but I cry inside. Everyone says how proud of me they are and yet I don't feel I did anything special, I just tried to survive the best I knew. The thing is I didn't want to survive and yet I did. So I have to survive for all those that helped me through I owe it to them. I just wish my heart could heal and that hole in it can be patched up. But he took a part of my heart with him so I will always have that hole. I wonder what the rest of my life will be like. Am I destine to be alone? Will no one ever love me again? Does anyone even like me? Care enough to wonder how I'm doing and how I feel? I'd like to fast forward five years from now just to see what my life turns out to be like. If I know it will be better than now...it would give me something to look forward too. I just don't know. When the night has been too lonely and the dawn has been too long and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong. If love is really forever I'm a winner at a losing game. Life is hard and there is never any warning as to how it will turn out. You just have to live life every day. You have to make a life for yourself try to enjoy yourself. If you don't wake up tomorrow...at least you did all you wanted to do. So guess what. I am going to take those flying lessons!