tellin someone new you have vhl

• By gale
• Posted May 21, 2008 at 11:00 pm

When you start conversing, bring up people and that everyone seems to have a problem...whatever seems to work for you. You don't know what he may be dealing with. Perhaps you will be surprised.

Don't walk into the date expecting the worst. Think about all the good you can offer.

I was wearing a shirt on my first date with my husband and I stretched a little, just so my scar would show (adrenal surgery). I felt the same way as you do and I didn't want to waste my time. I figured if he couldn't deal with it, let me find out sooner than later.

Anyway, we married after knowing each other for 2 weeks and 2 days, 18 years ago.

Just don't be grim reaper when it comes to VHL or overwhelm him with the family history.

Have fun!

Gale

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• By bpdou
• Posted May 22, 2008 at 7:03 am

Here's my two cents... yes it's a date, but for me I try not to look on it as a special situation. I make decisions all the time when to tell people about my VHL. An acquaintance? The guy behind the counter at the gas station? Usually not, unless it comes up specifically in conversation. When I do tell, it's usually people who I have some kind of friendship with. Or it's people who ask "What's that scar on your neck?" (Oh I love those... the look on their face when I get to say "Oh I had a brain tumor. Ok, actually three brain tumors..." heh heh heh yes. I do love the shock factor. )

Here's one thing I had to realize about telling significant other-gendered others that I might have some interest in: if we've got a relationship, and I want it to go somewhere, and me telling her about my VHL ends the relationship, then it would have never worked anyways (and they ain't good enough so I don't want em! ;) ). My telling them didn't end it, and the timing of my telling didn't end it. Having VHL is kind of like being male, or 5'10", or quirky, or ethical. Just a part of who I am.

So usually I tell "dates" about the time when they've moved from "date" to "friend," unless it comes up specifically, or they share something that allows me to share my VHL (like she tells me she has a condition of some kind herself).

I've spontaneously disclosed early before (like on the first date) and it sets a really weird tone of expectation and heaviness that doesn't need to be there so early. Again, it's like telling the guy at the gas station.

What works well is something like "I need to tell you that I have Ebola. [pause pause] Ok, just kidding. I have VHL..." Actually that one works best if you spring the Ebola on them after a really good make-out session where you've gotten a lot of really good exchange of bodily fluids.They're so relieved they don't have Ebola, they really won't care that you have VHL.

And GOOD for you for getting out there and getting in the game. So enjoy yourself. Don't worry about it. You're not marrying the guy. You're going on a date. Have fun. Enjoy the company. Have a GREAT time.

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• By larryinpa
• Posted May 22, 2008 at 7:24 am

First date? It's too soon to even talk about health issues (or any other deeply personal stuff). Have fun. Enjoy getting to know him on a more basic level. If it goes somewhere, then you can share that kind of information. If it does come up somehow, just be honest and don't make a big deal of it.

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• By Louise45
• Posted May 22, 2008 at 8:46 am

Just go and have fun it's just your frist date enjoy it.You are the same person that you were beford.You just found out more stuff thats all.I have 2 kids with VHL and there are moving on they both have 1 child.My daugther has a 3 1/2 years old son with VHL .And my son just had a baby girl Brianna on May 6,2008. So we dont no for her yet .But thats life we have to be strong.Go have your fun like you should be doing .
Take care dont worry to mush

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• By Sheela
• Posted May 23, 2008 at 1:23 pm

I agree ....just go out and have fun ....enjoy your first date. You are not marrying the guy. If you see it going somewhere then you share the information .......if it comes out then just be honest. I only told my partner about me having VHL at the fourth or fifth date ......we have been together for three and a half years now. Don't judge all men by your ex -husband's standards ....if he doesn't take it well move on .......most importantly have a great time !!!

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• By Elsie77
• Posted June 4, 2008 at 4:07 pm

your husband sounds like a right swine, although it must be hard for the families of those suffering?!!? Go and have fun on your date

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• By batley
• Posted June 4, 2008 at 5:13 pm

lol yeh he was but its his problem now not mine , im better of now at least i dont have to hide about vhl anymore , anyway up date it never turned out to much in end i mensioned vhl and it seemed ok but he did back away big time , so i have another date commin up , this time im sayin nothink , and just goin to enjoy my date

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• By Elsie77
• Posted June 4, 2008 at 6:07 pm

well at least you got another date, fingers xd it goes better. I see you like horses.............I love them but had to sell mine a few years ago, totally gutted he was my best therapy.

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• By batley
• Posted June 4, 2008 at 6:16 pm

rr did u sell , yeh me and my daughter have a horse, she does the jumpin now , as i cant any more , i ride now and then or when i fill ok , my horse must know everythink i fill as ive told her lol, add me to your friends list , where about you from , yeh got another date ha ha , im goin to see how it goes this time befor sayin anythink ,

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• By dani
• Posted June 7, 2008 at 12:02 pm

Usually, the man I'm with gets closer to me faster than I do with him. As soon as I know that's happening, that's when I lay it on him. If you're apprehensive, then you probably won't be the type to fall in love easily.

If he backs off, just be understanding. No one is perfect, maybe he'll stay friends with you. I'm sure you'll find someone. Just don't give up.

Unfortunately, I had to tell my boyfriend a week after we got together because I needed surgery only a few weeks later (long story), I informed him that I'll always be the same person and I gave him a while to process it and we've been together for almost two years now.

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