... the first 45 days. I call this "the storm", and for good reasons. The things that have to be done after Paul's funeral, is robbing me of my grieving time. The paperwork, meetings with the attorney, income issues, and the endless phone calls to creditors, business associates and so on, has pulled me into what feels like dark, deep water. I feel as if I have no control of the helm, and in some instances, I do not.
I am in the midst of the storm, after 21 days. For the first time, today, I felt as if I am on the top of the biggest wave. I have struggled and made it to this point, and I am almost ready to feel the wave break underneath me. Ahead, I see some calm waters. I know that just over this crest, will be more waves, and I am preparing for them; bracing myself for what is to come. However, today I saw the golden sky at sunset.
God has provided for me a plan, all I have to do is stay out of his way, and give him time to make it work.
Does that mean that I am sitting in a chair, waiting for God to give me a green light to breathe again?
No, not at all, that is why I am beginning my "Surviving Spouse Boot Camp".
It goes like this:
1. Paperwork, phone calls, and Thank you notes: I set a certain amount of time aside each day to tackle each of these. I don't expect to finish so I set a timer, and when the timer goes off, I move on to the next item on the list. I have set for myself 30 minutes for each thing, each day. No more, and when 90 minutes has
passed then I am done.
2. Finances: I allow myself 30 minutes to worry, or address these issues. That is about all the time and energy I seem to have to spend on this.
3. Eating .. I plan my day out for meals. I do not just wait to eat when hungry .. I do not trust the messages my body is sending. Stress will make me not eat, or eat too much.
My stomach may be bothering me, and giving off false messages. So, I schedule my meals. Small meals seem to work best for me. I plan them out for two days, and go to the store to do my shopping. It is important to take care of myself now. I try to stick to my normal routines. My good health is
important to me; I am going to preserve it.
4. Exercise .. I do it .. no excuses. I find a way, even if it is simply walking. doing laundry.
Now is the perfect time to begin thinking of myself, plus I need to get out of the house.
5. Grieving I have needed time to adjust. My sleep is not what it used to be. I have moments in the day when my thoughts will wonder off. So, I am trying to embrace my moments, not fight it, and let myself cry if I need to.
6. Maintain a normal routine: Wow, after being a full time caregiver...what is NORMAL to me? So I adopted someone else's normal, for myself. This is what I do... I get out of bed every morning at a set time. I shower, wash my hair, brush my teeth, and take care of my personal hygiene. (I do not lay in bed all day crying). Even if I did not sleep well, I get out of bed every morning and take care of myself. If I
need a nap afterwards then I take one.
7. I remind myself that life does go on, and I need to go with it. I will not become an observer of life, I will be an active participant in it. I have made that my montra, before my feet hit the floor, I repeat this. I will say it everyday until I actually feel it in my soul. One day, perhaps I will live it and not have to say it.
My prayer tonight " I will surrender my will, to give way for God's."
We have to remember that by surrendering to God, we are not giving up our power, we are allowing His power to guide us. I am not worthy of His perfect love, yet He chooses to give it to me, and I am blessed.
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I will survive ...
- By samshdls
- Posted July 27, 2009 at 12:40 am · 11 replies
- In Family and friends
- Shared with the public
- Edited July 27, 2009 at 12:44 am
11 replies
- Oldest first
- Newest first
- By jolocny
- Posted July 27, 2009 at 7:40 am
- Report post
So sorry to hear that Paul has passed .... Neale Donald Walsch (author of Conversations with God) refers to that as "Continuance". He's gone on, but he continues to 'live' and it's without the problems he had here.
I appreciate your note and for including the "Surviving Spouse Boot Camp" points! I know that you'll now make a difference everywhere you go ~ with everyone you meet! It's all about being the love you want to find in this world.
God bless!
- By Quiller
- Posted July 27, 2009 at 7:48 am
- Report post
MY sympathy to you. Your writings should be shared with the world-
- By samshdls
- Posted July 27, 2009 at 8:06 am
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Thank you, Jolocny. We were not expecting Paul to pass like he did, as soon as he did, but God showed us His face through it all. Hopsice ( the actualization of God's hand), made his passing painless, and we are so grateful for that.
How have you been? Let me know, I keep you in my prayers.
Enjoy your day, it is time for mine to begin.
Lisa
- By samshdls
- Posted July 27, 2009 at 8:11 am
- Report post
Quiller,
I am not sure if the world is ready for my musings, lol, how about we just start here. Thank you for posting to me; I do appreciate your expression of sympathy.
Today is a lovely day, the sun is shining, and I am planning on spending a lot of time out in it. I hope you are able to enjoy your day.
Lisa
- By Emcee70
- Posted July 28, 2009 at 7:28 pm
- Report post
There is a book called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People". Amazon.com reviewed as follows: "Rarely does a book come along that tackles a perennially difficult human issue with such clarity and intelligence. Harold Kushner, a Jewish rabbi facing his own child's fatal illness, deftly guides us through the inadequacies of the traditional answers to the problem of evil, then provides a uniquely practical and compassionate answer that has appealed to millions of readers across all religious creeds. Remarkable for its intensely relevant real-life examples and its fluid prose, this book cannot go unread by anyone who has ever been troubled by the question, 'Why me?'"
I can't say anything more positive about this book than already has been said above. I recommend it to anyone facing life-challenging issues. Just a suggestion. Hope this helps
Margaret
- By MOORPARK
- Posted July 29, 2009 at 9:40 pm
- Report post
Hello Lisa,
Very sorry to learn about the death of your husband.
I used to tell my wife about your quote where you had once mentioned that your husband had done a lot for you in his earlier life and it was your time to payback during his illness. You had a true spirit of a sincere and loving spouse.
I pray for your spiritual and moral strength to survive without him. He will always be with you in your memories and give you strength to pass thru this phase of life.
One more request to you is that you should keep writing for rest of us. Your views provide a great encouragement to rest of us.
God bless you
Manny
- By samshdls
- Posted July 30, 2009 at 8:59 am
- Report post
Manny,
Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. Today is day 26, and I am still breathing on my own and having good days. I even have many moments of joy when thinking of Paul; his sense of humor made every day interesting.
How are you doing? I was happy to see you are still checking in on here.
As for writing, I will continue to post on here. so many need information, support and encouragement. Perhaps something that comes from our postings will help another.
I hope you enjoy your day Manny, I need to get started with mine.
God's blessings to you,
Lisa
- By Amkahler
- Posted July 30, 2009 at 9:29 am
- Report post
Wow - your "philosophy" is terrific! My 31 year old son has severe AMN and I just had to place him in a nursing home very near my house - I have to work so I can't be with him 24/7. He is recovering greatly from pneumonia and a pressure ulcer - is back in his chair and everyone says he is a miracle. We almost lost him 6 months ago. I think God has given him back to us for awhile and I am grateful. I am with him everyday for about 4 hours and we do exercises to get his strength back again. I am practically a full time caregiver because even though he is in a nursing home - I do all the important stuff for him - he is on a feeding tube but he can still eat and i feed, bathe, exercise, and be his cheerleader with him. It takes a lot of me but I do it joyfully because of my love for him. Keep marching ahead - your husband is now in a place where he is healthy and happy and still with you in your heart until you meet again. Faith is the answer - God is right beside us all the way.
- By Nolans
- Posted July 30, 2009 at 11:42 am
- Report post
Hi all,
I have read the book "When bad things happen..." and can endorse Emcee70 comments. I am not blessed with the faith but the book still helped me deal with my anger.
Cliff
- By samshdls
- Posted July 30, 2009 at 12:27 pm
- Report post
Hi Cliff,
Thanks for the endorcement. I will look into it. Surprisingly, I do not have any anger. When we were first given a diag. I was very angry about it all. It took me an entire year to work my way through it. I never really questioned God and his plan, but I was very angry about how our lives would have to change, his life would be difficult at best, and how his disease would impact the lives of our loved ones.
There is a peace that has come over me since Paul's death. A relief that his misery is over, but also a feeling of gratitude that we had time to say what we wanted, time to spend with all his family, time for our kids and grandkids to say goodbye, and immeasurable joy in the blessings that we received while he was alive. I have comfort in knowing that he died with all his "business of life" finished. I can't say enough how important that is. To know that Paul died on his terms, peacefully without pain, and having completed what he wanted in life is important to me, and will be instrumental in my recovery of the last three years.
Your strength is impressive, and I am happy that you are able to find comfort from this site.
My continued prayers for you and yours,
Lisa
- By samshdls
- Posted July 30, 2009 at 12:33 pm
- Report post
Amkahler,
Thank you for your post to me. I am so sorry to hear of your struggles with yor son. I am sure you are a huge source of strength to him. Your job is not small, and I commend you for your love and dedication to his care.
It has been said that "care is the actualization of love assummed". I believe that completely. Anyone can take care for someone but when that care comes from the source of loving, amazing things happen. Miracles do happen, and I am convinced that they happen at the hands of those that love us. Keep holding tight to your faith, God will give you multiple blessings in the midst of the heavy burden of laborous work.
Enjoy your day
Lisa
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