Wives at the Scene of the Incident

I haven't found this topic yet, so I thought I would start one.

This is very graphic, but I want to know if any wives out there need to discuss details about their "day" because I do and I am hoping that we can help each other.

I was with my husband John when he collapsed and even though it's been a year, I still have nightmares and very vivid images of that day that are haunting.

On "that" day I had no idea what had happened, I just turned around and saw him lying in the driveway convulsing and trying to breathe. I saw blue wash over his face and then a trickle of blood came out of his mouth, which REALLY scared me. I had not seen him actually fall, so I didn't realize at the moment that it was his broken teeth. My neighbor who was there with us called 911 and I started CPR (trying to remember those classes). I thought it was some kind of a seizure because of the convulsing, but before I knew it, he was gone. I saw every ounce of life leave his body. I had always heard "eyes glazed over," but I never really knew what that looked like until that day. I breathed into him every breathe that I had and did chest compressions, but he was lifeless. It was like it wasn't even happening. When the paramedics got here, I was about 10 feet away on my knees and I couldn't even cry because it was like not real. I watched them shock him over and over again. I thought he was gone forever. I didn't even know if he was alive or dead when they put him into the ambulance. It was the worst feeling I have ever had in my entire life.

On the way to the hospital, I felt such anger because we've always liked each other, we're best friends - how could something like this happen? Especially to a perfectly healthy and young 38 year-old? I've always had this weird (maybe naive) idea that if you love and appreciate people in your life, they won't be taken away. I guess that can stay true to me since I still have John. :-)

Do any of you want to share your experiences and how you cope? Will it just go away after time? I would like for it to become a very distant memory. Thanks in advance for any suggestions and for sharing your stories.

By janee
Posted August 4, 2009 at 6:25 pm
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I was involved with the American Heart Associaiton. I also used to always make donations to the AHA. My life has changed, for the worse, so much since my husband's SCA. My husband was a great man, so supportive, and caring. He is now narcissitic and controlling. He makes errors in financial dealings, can be rude to our adult children, and over all is a totally different man since his SCA. I do not support CPR outside of a controlled environment, ie, a hospital. There is a time to die and we all must accept this. I am happy for those of you who have had good results, but overall most of us have not had good results living with our brain injured spouses and partners--check out the divorce rates. I am in it for the long haul, but see my husband now as a very needy child who I have to stay one step ahead of to keep him out of trouble.

Please don't preach to those of us that have been through this living hell, about learning CPR and using defibrillators--and I am a health care professional. I start shaking at just the thought of taking another CPR class. The last time I will have done CPR is on my husband, and that was five years ago. No more!!

By Mary1
Posted May 29, 2009 at 4:03 pm
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My husband kept saying he didn't feel like he did enough. He saved my life! He did everything he knew how to do. Even if the outcome had been bad, he still did everything he could. I hope you can overcome that feeling.

By nanamo
Posted May 29, 2009 at 7:22 am
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i will tell ya from the other end i was so thankful to know my hubby was there helping or not just knowing that he was there and knowing he had my best interest at all times was comforting till this day eh has a hard time talking about whta happened to me and i dont remeber but i dont push him i know how hard its been for me as for him i can never imagen the pain he felt seeing me dying and helpless ........... but i will say if it wasnt for him and his face adn voice that i can remeber i dont think i would of survived............. so if you can or can not do anything just know the fact of your face or voice is all they need

god bless
surviving heart diease one day at a time
with trigger 04 /08
for 10 years now
nanamo

By Mary1
Posted May 14, 2009 at 2:18 pm
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Hi Gail,
I am so glad you found this site to tell your story. When I had my SCA and my husband saved my life, we couldn't tell our story enough. It's been almost 3 years now, and we still tell anyone who is willing to listen. It is very therapeutic. Keep telling and telling and telling. The people here will never think you've told it too many times.

By Gail_07
Posted May 13, 2009 at 11:55 am
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Unlike most of you, I did not administer CPR to my husband. I'm a career nurse, trained in CPR, but ours was a different story, and since I found this site a couple days ago, I've had a great need to share it. I told our story a few times (many times likely, but it's pretty much a blur now) immediately after my husband's SCA. After about a month, I figured nobody wanted to hear it anymore, and each time my husband insisted on going over it, he broke down in tears, so I stopped talking about it and have kept it inside. The "story" lives inside me each and every day for over a year now, and maybe ... just maybe, this is my chance to purge it. I know I'll be in tears as I type this, because whenever I even allow it to come close to the surface, I'm a basket case. I won't allow myself to go there often because I need to be the strong one. I'm not saying I'm "expected" to be the strong one .... it's what I need to survive.
April, 2008: I was with my husband on a 3-day "for us" mini-vacation. We've done these often over the years and they're always fun, close times.
The first day, we went out to lunch and my husband told me he wasn't "feeling so good in the chest for the past few days". I can still see him rubbing his chest as he told me that. I immediately panicked, and told him he needed to see a Dr right now! My husband has always been a big guy (not grossly obese, but big, physically strong, and overweight) and has neglected looking after himself. Our entire lunch date consisted of us talking about his Dad suffering a heart attack in his late 50's, and that my husband was likely genetically predisposed. My husband said he felt fine now, and not to worry. ("Worry", by the way, is my middle name). We went back to our hotel room, and just vegged out for a bit. We then went out to dinner to a Chinese restaurant. I remember commenting that the MSG in the food likely wasn't all that good for someone having "chest discomfort" and again, we talked about heart attacks.
After dinner, we decided to go to a casino. There, we met good friends we hadn't seen in many years. The husband had suffered 2 heart attacks, so once again, we found that to be the topic of our conversation.
We returned to our hotel room, and at 5:25 the next morning, I awoke to a deep moaning sound. My husband was standing by the window, rubbing his chest and saying "this time it's really bad". I immediately wanted to call 911, but he wouldn't allow it .. he said HE'D drive to the hospital! He was very upset with even the thought of an ambulance, so I figured arguing with him might make things worse. We got into our car, and I drove FAST, running every single red light until we got to the hospital emergency. (Later, the cardiologist told us, that in THAT instance, if we had waited for the ambulance, my husband would have been a dead man). My hubby walked into the hospital, and I went to park our car as he was admitted.
When I got back to the emerg room he was in, they had him hooked up to the monitors, and had already assembled the team, including the cardiologist on call.
As soon as I got into the room, my husband sat straight up on the stretcher and said "oh noooo". I can still see his face as he looked at me in panic. He immediately seized, and at first, I thought it was a seizure and nothing else. It took only seconds to realize that he was in cardiac arrest. The team started CPR and defib. I lost count of the number of times they hit him with the paddles. I remember sobbing uncontrollably, and them asking me if I wanted to leave. I couldn't leave, because I had made a promise to him over and over for all the years we were married (at his insistence), that I would not allow him to be kept alive on life supports or in a vegetative state. We never got around to formal proxy, so I knew I had to stay, because it was taking forever for his heart to start again on it's own. My grief was that I SO wanted him to live, and at the same time, I had to keep my promise. I remember watching the big male nurse doing the compressions, and thinking to myself that I could NEVER do effective compressions, if this is what it took. My husband literally bounced off the stretcher with each compression. Then a shock, then more compressions, then another shock ... and on it went for almost 45 minutes .. and it seemed like 45 hours. Finally, he was stabilized enough to go to the cath lab for stents. When my husband finally returned to CCU, the cardiologist met with me and told me that my husband had a second arrest during the stent procedure, and that he (the cardiologist) in all his years of practice, had never seen a heart so resistive to starting. He also told me that the next 48 hours or so would tell the tale if there had been any brain injury. I was devastated and panicked again.
My husband made a remarkable recovery. In fact, he beat ALL odds for an event of that size, and for the resulting "massive damage", as the cardiologist told us. He was SO lucky to be where he was when it happened. He was the ONLY one in the CCU that week who survived, and that included a healthy fit, younger person who was jogging in a park when he suffered his SCA. The hospital even did a story on my husband to raise funds for defibrillators on every unit.
All the specialists told us it would be 6 months at LEAST before my hubby could return to work. He returned in under 3. During those 3 months, he got very motivated to change his lifestyle. No salt, low-fat, smaller portions ... walking briskly for a mile and a half twice a day. He lost 55 lbs and was committed to losing another 40 by the anniversary of his SCA. He was in a fantastic, upbeat mood!
His second week back at work, in July ... he ruptured 2 lumbar discs ..... one major rupture, one minor., but both of them pressing on a sciatic nerve so that the sciatica was unbearable. Then, in Oct 2008 he got all his teeth pulled and didn't get dentures til March this year. Exercise and eating raw veggies ... gone!
Back in April, while he was still in hosp, we learned that our only child, our darling daughter, has cancer. He won't even go there to this day.
Last month, the friend we were with the night of his heart attack died, and just last week, another good friend of his died.
He has been struggling with sciatic pain and waiting for surgery, but continues to insist on long work hours in a demanding job that irritates the back injury.
He has gained back all the weight he lost and more, because of the inability to exercise effectively, and the inability to eat the foods he needs, and I also sense ... he has given up. Depression is there for him BIG time. His entire focus is on what a failure he sees himself as. I don't know what to do or say. I don't know how to help. It's tearing me apart. There's so much more. I just won't go there right now.

By blanche_hudson
Posted March 19, 2009 at 12:26 pm
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Wow, this is something that I try not to think about. My partner, 37, had an SCA while running a marathon. When she ran past me (about 25 yards from the finish line), pumping her arms and smiling, I got up and moved to the spot where we had agreed to meet after the race. She wasn't there. I looked at the bathroom line, the water tables, nothing. I saw some ruckus around the fishish line and looked right past it. Someone was one the ground being attended to by a host of EMS folks, but I walked right by never dreaming it was her. Then, as if a hand came out of nowhere, something yanked me back. I looked down and saw that it was her. It was surreal to say the least. A chaplain must have seen me wandering around and she shoved me into the front of the ambulance and we were gone in an instant.

Thankfully, when she fell, it was almost into the arms of a physician volunteer, so she was treated immediately. She spent some time unconscious in ICU, was diagnosed with LQT 1, had an ICD implanted.

So how has life changed? After she got home and regained her bearings she immediately resumed her normal life without looking back...including running. I wish I could say the same goes for me, but it doesn't. I'm completely freaked out by this, but she seems totally oblivious to how serious the event was. She has no memory of day of the event (or the day before), and only a sketchy recall of the two weeks she spent hospitalized. For me, I get sick to my stomach everytime I hear an ambulance, and remember all too clearly the feeling of confusion and shock when looking for her at the finish line and coming upon the paramedics doing CPR on her. I'm generally not an anxious person, but I'm sick that the spring/summer racing season is beginning and she's gearing up to run, starting this weekend. {{sigh}} Has anyone else had this experience where the person who had the SCA has moved on as if nothing happened?

By amydavis
Posted March 19, 2009 at 7:37 am
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I am so sorry for your experience - a wife at the scene. I, too, had an almost identical experience last October. Two things were different: no blood, and death. My beloved husband could not be revived.
In 2 minutes he was gone. I was told, that even the paddles would not have helped him, had they been in my living room when he collasped. The description is so close to mine, that it gives me chills. I, too, could not cry. I was on autopilot, after the first responders arrived and took over.
I relive the incident, day in and day out. It has been 5 months now, and I still have trouble breathing, and getting through days. Widowhood is a million times worse than one could ever expect. I had just retired from teaching. My husband still had 5 more years to work. We had just finished building our dream retirement home, a ranch in Maine. We had a kennel of dogs, a stable of horses, a big family of children and grandchildren. We have all been totally devastated.
The dogs, the horses are gone. The children are back in their lives (all out of state), and here I am alone, relearning how to live, now, alone, a new life.
it is miserable. I have joined a grief support group, and hope to gain some ground with them.
My words to you, and many on this board, is that you have a chance, a hope, and cherish it. I would give up EVERYTHING, excluding children, to have my husband back, to try new treatments, to buy a defrib machine for my home, etc. Death is so final.

By annchase
Posted March 16, 2009 at 4:28 pm
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Hi Everyone!

I absolutely can not believe I found this website, let alone this topic! My husband and I have felt so all alone with this that I think we are driving each other nuts. I guess as time has gone by we just keep thinking these thoughts are going to go away. Well, all they have done is faded, but then when we least expect it, boom, I have another "freak-out episode of panic", or he looks so down and out I end up freaking out about that and over-questioning him and what is going on inside of him. Counseling sure, made the calls, just have not gone, because all we wanted to do was to talk to someone who has been through this! And thank God here you are!

We'll write more later, as he as at work and I am just on my lunch break, but hey! Hello out there!

By Paul_Pakusch
Posted December 23, 2008 at 11:00 am
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In response to Suuz's comments and requests, Mary and I live in Rochester, NY.

Regarding how much Mary has changed, it appears she is not only a living miracle, but extremely lucky. In spite of 8 minutes or so without oxygen, it appears her personality has not changed. She went through an evaluation after she had recovered and we were told that hers was the "best case of recovery from anoxia (they) had ever seen." The most noticeable change in her to me is the fact that she is tired a lot more often. That may be due to the drugs.

Yesterday was the first anniversary of her second SCA. That's the one where she was revived by her ICD within seconds after it happened.

By Suuz
Posted December 22, 2008 at 10:29 am
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Happy Holidays to All,

In reading the posts, I am struck by another common thread which might make a good sub-topic to our "wives (and husband) at the scene."

Some of you mention changes in your spouses due to a lack of oxygen during the SCA. I thought we might talk about some of these to see if any of us have come up with coping mechanisms to help live with changes in personality. I hope I have understood the comments correctly.

My husband is not the same man I married, 8 minutes without oxygen causes brain damage. Even though we were lucky, there are lasting effects and I am willing to share those with you all. First thing and the most noticeable is the effects on short-term memory. When my Bill came home from the hospital, he was unable to read because his vision was temporarily affected by the SCA and new drug regimes. We did a lot of brain exercises and used the jumble and crossword puzzles in the paper daily. With the jumble, I would give him the letters over and over and he would try to make the word. We did the same with the crossword puzzles. Over time he got better at this and was able to take over on his own once the vision improved.

Long lasting (5 years) effects include extreme need for control. I understand when this happens to a person and everything seems to be beyond their control. I was hoping that this fight for control would lessen over time, but actually I have to admit, it has not. This has made things hard for me because it is something we didn't experience before the SCA. Also, I notice that the way Bill's brain works is different. He tends to make a snap judgment and most of the time, it is incorrect. He is easier to become upset or angry than he was. I definitely have to watch myself as to not be a trigger for this.

Do I like this? Am I happy that our lives have changed in such ways? Obviously the answer is NO. But, I do accept things. I do think the alternative is unthinkable. I am no longer hoping and praying that things will go back to the way they were. But, trust me, this has been a struggle within myself. I do know that Bill can't help most of this.

If anyone wants to comment and share I would like that. I know that I am the "senior" member of the group in terms of time since SCA. I want to be a resource if I can be.

PS. Could we share the states that we live in? Minnesota

By terriwinget
Posted December 19, 2008 at 1:16 am
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Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for your posts. I am so grateful to all of you. In fact, you have been the most helpful to me out of all of my resources! Only we (victims and family) truly understand how trying this experience is and it makes such a difference when someone truly understands.

Bogey, I am so sorry for what you've been through and are going through. It's so hard, for everyone involved. My husband is not the same either and it's heartbreaking. I can relate to the 9 months of being thankful that he is alive and then having things change. I too, have contemplated leaving many times because I feel like I am holding everything together without any support, physically or emotionally. John is irritable, unmotivated and many times just flat emotionally. He gets mad at the smallest things and doesn't treat people as well as he once did. And he's much louder at venting his frustrations (like in a crowded grocery store). I have been embarassed so many times and just get furious. I have been very patient for a long time and I feel like he is now capable of stepping it up. At times, I almost feel like he has taken advantage of me babying him for the past year. I am tired of being the "man of the house." I love him dearly, but right now - it's really hard to live with him. I am like you Janee, after so many years of marriage, what are we supposed to do? I would feel better if he talked about what was feeling and why he's so grouchy, but he doesn't - so I've had to guess at everything and try to understand.

When I read my various posts, I can see the changes from being super positive and grateful to feeling, well...like this! That shows the transition from being thankful, to becoming frustrated. Bogey, I hope in some way this helps to understand your wife's leaving. It's very sad, for everyone. I know that John would be devastated if I left him, but sometimes I feel like he doesn't care, and that's the hardest part of all. I think you are right, God has a different plan for you. I agree with Janee - go on with your new self and enjoy life. :-)

Amy, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I hope it doesn't seem like those of us who still have our husbands are ungrateful. We really are...just trying to deal with the aftermath. My heart goes out to you because I know you would rather have 1/2 of what your husband once was than to not have him at all. At least we have been given a chance. I hope that you find comfort in your friends and family and have a lot of support. It's good to be here too & I think you are in the right place. Two months being a widow is not very long at all (especially after being married for 33 years), yet you are already able to express what you are so grateful for. That says a lot about who you are as a person, incredible, hopeful and strong.

Okay, thanks to YOU all for listening to me. :-)

By janee
Posted December 18, 2008 at 3:54 pm
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Bogey,

I am sorry for your loss. But you must realize that your wife also lost her best friend. It is true after that long without oxygen and then a diffuse brain injury, that personalities change. My husband is not the same man nor will he ever be. I have considered at times leaving him but I guess I see just enough of his old self to stay. He is more like a 12 or 13 yo and can be verbally abusive. You probably don't realize how much you have changed and most marriages do not last after the brain injury. I say go on with your new self and have a life of your own and enjoy it.

And to the lady who lost her husband, I am sorry I can't remember your name, be greatful that your husband did not survive with a horrible brain injury where maybe even walking would be impossible. I would suggest a book club since I love to read so much. Or perhaps a widows group where you are going thru the same thing.

My best to all of you. Janee

By Bogey
Posted December 18, 2008 at 10:07 am
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I wish this post were a happy one but its not. My SCA happened 10/06/06 with my wife beside me in the car. The first nine months after it happened she was gratefull that I was alive but on her 50th birthday things changed. She kept telling me I was not the same man. Said she was living with a ghost. I know I'm not the same cause without a heart beat for 13 minutes something will happen. I thank God every day that I'm alive but I think He's has something better for me. To all you mates of SAC victoms please love your mates with your whole heart, thats all we ask for. As for my wife, well I recieved my divorce pappers two weeks ago, seems she found a man that is not a ghost. Thank you for letting me vent abit and Happy Hollidays to all.

By Paul_Pakusch
Posted December 17, 2008 at 9:02 pm
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Suuz and Janee, you hit the bull's eye with how I felt about my efforts at CPR. Hours later, while I was in the hospital waiting room wondering what Mary's fate was, my sisters and Mary's sisters both had to console me; mostly because I was sobbing that whatever I did wasn't "good enough." Even after she recovered and went back to a mostly-normal life, it still took me a long time to believe that. When we finally met the 911 operator in person, SHE told me that what I did was great. I finally concluded that I can't argue with anyone.

Suuz, it's interesting what you said about journaling. While Mary was in the hospital for 10 days, I spent a lot of time writing e-mails that I mass-mailed to a LOT of our friends and family. Sure, I got quite a bit of sympathetic and hopeful responses from people, but when I look at those e-mails now, I can't believe I wrote so much to so many people!

Amydavis, I am truly sorry for your loss. I really believed for a few days that I would be in your shoes, so I can only say I have somewhat of an idea what you are going through. At least you have your children and grandchildren. I think as time passes by, you will be able to figure out what to do with your restlessness. Best wishes to you.

Paul

By amydavis
Posted December 17, 2008 at 5:07 pm
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Yes, I, too, am a wife, of a beloved husband, who simply dropped in front of me, walking from the bedroom to the living room. I knew immediately, it was his heart. He was 55, and had a silent heart attack at age 40. He had a rotorblader done, back then, and has since, had no symptoms, and was checked regularly. He was extremely active, in good shape, and just a wonderful man. He dropped, and groaned, terribly, while I ran for the phone. While waiting for the first responders, 911 directed me with CPR (even though I had been trained, I could not think). But I did the CPR, and he turned purple while doing so. I was so relieved when someone took over for me, but alas, no one could revive him. Talk about a light switch. I don't think he ever knew what hit him.
I relive this every day, many times per day. It has been 2 months, and I feel like my life is over. I can't seem to think right. I just retired from 25 yrs of school teaching, and we had built a wonderful retirement life, on a small ranch in Maine. I have had to give it all up,as I can not run it without him. It is simply too painful, and besides, I simply can't do the heavy work he did, such as plowing snow with a tractor, maintenance on farm buildings, chop wood, etc.
I have much to be grateful for, with 4 incredible children, after 33 yrs of marriage, grandchildren, but I can't settle. I am so restless.
I wonder what other widows do?
Thanks for listening,

Amy

By janee
Posted December 17, 2008 at 3:58 pm
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I too performed CPR on my husband, in a restaurant two hours after my son graduated from college. The picture never goes away; it just fades a bit. It has been 4 1/2 years now. I am an RN and question if my CPR was "good enough." My husband did not have hypothermia and has brain damage. Did I not do the compressions deep enough and fast enough? As I remember it, an EMT sitting behind us did the mouth to mouth but one of the paramedics who arrived on the scene said I was doing the mouth to mouth--if I was, did I get enough air in? I go over and over this. I am on a low dose antidepressant and have been to counseling but I guess it is something we all just have to live with. It sucks! Janee

By Suuz
Posted December 16, 2008 at 11:33 am
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I am working at home today and for some unknown reason, I decided to check this site. My husband, Bill, has been a member for about a year. I found your notes very comforting as it seems like we all have the lingering effects of trauma in common.

My husband (then 49) suffered a cardiac arrest in December of 2003. On December 8, we celebrated 5 years! I too was right there when the arrest occured and called 911 right away. What I didn't understand was why he would die on a Monday night at 7:28 while checking his email. I didn't even know enough to lay him down on the floor and begin CPR. Fortunately my husband is a member of our local volunteer Fire and Rescue Department and when they got the call and realized it was one of their own, they made good time. Even so, he was gone for 8 minutes before being revived.

It has been a long road, for each and both of us. My husband fought so hard to come back, to regain his memory and physical condition after the ordeal. I lived with a fear that is so hard to describe. I didn't cry, as this way about him, not me. For weeks, months, and years I have tried to put those initial days behind me. I think the post traumatic stress disorder is very hard to deal with because with SCA, you never know when the next time will be. Even with an ICD (he is on his 2nd one now) we have had a couple of incidences which have been very frightening. One I was there, one I was not.

Also, what I think our spouses do not realize is the crushing responsibility we feel, especially if we were the only ones there at the time. Lots of scenerios still play through my head...if I would have just done CPR, why didn't I do CPR?

The one piece of advice that I feel I can pass along to you that have more recently experienced this is that writing, journaling, or even recording the story, from the beginning may bring you relief. I sat down at the computer about 3 weeks after my husband finally got out of the hospital and wrote. When I was finished I had 12 pages, a complete chronicle of everything that happened and how I felt. I called it "Bill's Story," and I re-read it once a year on the anniversary of the SCA.

We all are incredibly lucky people. I feel, right at this moment, incredibly lucky to have read this posting. I really do feel that ONLY a person who has experienced an SCA of their loved one can understand the strange mixture of emotions one goes through.

Bless you and your survivor this holiday season!

Welcome to Inspire!

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