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Wives at the Scene of the Incident

terriwinget
4 Recommendations

I haven't found this topic yet, so I thought I would start one.

This is very graphic, but I want to know if any wives out there need to discuss details about their "day" because I do and I am hoping that we can help each other.

I was with my husband John when he collapsed and even though it's been a year, I still have nightmares and very vivid images of that day that are haunting.

On "that" day I had no idea what had happened, I just turned around and saw him lying in the driveway convulsing and trying to breathe. I saw blue wash over his face and then a trickle of blood came out of his mouth, which REALLY scared me. I had not seen him actually fall, so I didn't realize at the moment that it was his broken teeth. My neighbor who was there with us called 911 and I started CPR (trying to remember those classes). I thought it was some kind of a seizure because of the convulsing, but before I knew it, he was gone. I saw every ounce of life leave his body. I had always heard "eyes glazed over," but I never really knew what that looked like until that day. I breathed into him every breathe that I had and did chest compressions, but he was lifeless. It was like it wasn't even happening. When the paramedics got here, I was about 10 feet away on my knees and I couldn't even cry because it was like not real. I watched them shock him over and over again. I thought he was gone forever. I didn't even know if he was alive or dead when they put him into the ambulance. It was the worst feeling I have ever had in my entire life.

On the way to the hospital, I felt such anger because we've always liked each other, we're best friends - how could something like this happen? Especially to a perfectly healthy and young 38 year-old? I've always had this weird (maybe naive) idea that if you love and appreciate people in your life, they won't be taken away. I guess that can stay true to me since I still have John. :-)

Do any of you want to share your experiences and how you cope? Will it just go away after time? I would like for it to become a very distant memory. Thanks in advance for any suggestions and for sharing your stories.

Explore topics in this discussion:

Exercise Cancer Surgery Counseling Falls Ambien Stent Sarcoidosis Stress Sciatica Cardiac sarcoidosis Confusion Pain Memory Heart attack Depression

32 replies

Maridee

I too want to share. I will try to post later. I live with the "incident" day after day after day. I might need to share it privately though because of the guilt I face for not doing enough. NO ONE can tell or predict how someone will react when it happens to your spouse or loved one. There isn't a Thursday evening that goes by that I don't relive the event. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember the grotesque sounds made by him. Though I have had PTS counseling and have made strides, I will never, ever forget that night and the weeks following. Yes I would love to share with you as I know exactly what you are feeling and experiencing. And no, it shouldn't happen to a healthy 38 year old and no it shouldn't happen to a healthy 56 year old but it did. One and 1/2 years later it is easier to talk about. I think that is the way we deal with it. Talk and talk and talk. Please email me if you want to.
Maridee
maridee@xaxter.com

terriwinget

Maridee,
Thank you sooooooo much! It sure does give me a sense of relief to know that I am not crazy. I reach out to my family as much as possible, but don't want them to think that I am dwelling on what happened. You know what I mean? I'm a pretty positive person, but these feelings are real. So, yes - I will e-mail you!!

GirlfromNapa

Cardiac Sisters -
I am not a surviving wife, but a surviving victim. The hardest thing for me is my father witnessed the last of my multiple cardiac arrest, while I was in the hospital ICU. He has not been able to talk about it, and I start crying when I try to bring it up. I am sure time will help us both. I am young, strong, and healthy, other than this electrical glitch which tried to kill me. Let your husbands recover and their spirits will shine!

I had several friends who work with me in the hospital who also witnessed one or more of my codes. Even after I received my PM / ICD, I noted that these good friends had a hard time keeping eye contact and carrying on a long conversation with me. I finally made a point of spending some quality one-on-one time with each of them so they could see that I was alright. I think in the beginning, when they looked at me, they did not see me alive and well, but saw me passed out and dying.

We are all ok now, but they had to get over the event also, even though they have witnessed codes on their own patients. Actually, they have all said that it helps them talk to family members also about the fear that seems to stay latched onto one's own heart.

Take care of yourselves ladies!
Remember, they survived; you will too!

~D~

Debra71508

I'm so grateful for this post!
But are you saying I will still fell like this in a year?
I suppose so. I've been on anti-depressants since my 53 year old husband's SECOND SCA in less than 6 months - BOTH, Thank god, happened before my eyes. Better still I was able to help - Better yet: He was gifted with the best possible outcome. No damage to the brain, no serious damage to the heart.

The first was in February 2008 and the second one was in July. In February I was like you and so many - no idea that a sinking to the ground followed by that herky-jerky limb movements and weird (terrifying) sounds could mean possible SCA and death. No clue. Clueless I did my pansy-CPR while calling 911.
he was saved.

5 months later he has his stint, the all-clear sign and the promise from his highly respected cardiologist that "this will never happen again." He looked me straight in the face and he promised me. Is o had to believe there could not be a second time. My hubby had zero risk factors. None. None but the ones that mattered" Male, over 50.

We're in the woods walking our dogs - getting our daily exercise when coming to the top of a hill he turns and looks at me as if he has to tell me something he knows i do not want to hear and he falls straight backward. I know this time what is happening at the same time I am not able to beleive it. One good thing is I learned CPR by YouTube videos & had heard the message from the American Heart Assopciation about chest-compression only CPR. I had also heard we need to do it faster & harder than we used to be told. I remembered the Bee-Gees song. I kept him alive for 10 minutes before the EMT's found us.

I saw him start to go. Thuis time he did not move and for a moment I hesitated wondering if i had the right to call him back or the strength to deal with the consequences if not all of him came back to me. I decided in a flash that there was nothing to decide - that I was his heart now.

From that day to this I have several panic attacks a day & I try to keep them to myself. He doesn't remember a minute of it. But every time he bends over too fast (in my eyes) or slips on a stone or gasps for a moment my heart almost leaps from my chest.

Every morning at 9:15 I think about it since both SDC were within 15 minutes of that time. If I can't be with him I have to call him. I am only grateful when I am on trial (I am a trial lawyer) at which point, during trial, I know I am not allowed to think about anyone but my client and somehow I do. Any other day I sweat & worry. Even with the meds.

Sorry this is so long.
it feels wonderful to be able to express this to some wives who have been there. Thanks.

terriwinget

Wo Debra! I'm sorry you've had to go through this not once, but TWICE!!! What an incredible lady you are and much stronger than you probably realize.

I am so grateful for YOUR post!!

I find it really does help to know that other people out there are experiencing the same feelings. For a long time I felt like I was "weak" because I just can't seem to let it go. But, with responses and understanding like yours, it helps to let go of a lot of it.

I will tell you that I'm better than I was in the beginning. For the first few months, I would just break down and cry nearly everyday driving home from work. I also had to start taking Ambien every night to sleep... But I seldom cry about it now and I only take Ambien occasionally. :-)

Oh my gosh, those feelings of panic I totally understand! I can only imagine how yours are doubled.

It's very interesting how you mentioned walking your dogs in the woods because that is my biggest panic time. We walk our dogs in the woods too and before we venture out, I know that I must have my phone glued to me and every single time we are out there I imagine how I will explain to the 911 operator where we are. It really freaks me out. And slipping on a stone...or wet leaves - YES I know exactly what you are talking about!!

I have faith and hope that time will heal us and we won't be so nervous, panicky and depressed. Like Maridee said, talk talk talk! If you are ever having a super bad day and need someone to "listen," my e-mail is terri_winget@msn.com. Or even if you're not having a bad day and need someone, e-mail me. You are not alone my friend.

Maridee

To Terri and Debra,

It is 4:30 AM and I am reading this post. Why? Because like both of you and others, my husband's SCA still bothers me. How funny that we feel like it shouldn't. If this isn't post traumatic stress syndrome I don't know what is! Yes Debra, it DOES get better but don't expect it to happen all at once. I did the 9:30 PM every Thursday night for at least 6 months, then once every other Thursday, then once a month. I would pace the floor, back and forth until I knew he was okay. I still have difficulty watching ER (what we were ironically watching on TV when it happened) and CPR scenes still affect me.

Debra, I can't believe how your thought process was almost identical to mine and probably to all other spouses who witnessed their loved ones event. What will I do if this happens, make sure I have everything in place to explain to the rescuers, etc. I cannot imagine having to witness it twice. Does your husband have an ICD? If he does and it went off and you still had to do CPR you have just given me something else to worry about!

We just have to give ourselves time to heal. Like those who have had an "incident" (you know that time in our lives when our lives changed forever), we too need to give ourselves time to heal. There is nothing wrong with us for having panic attacks, sleepless nights and crys and tears that it might happen again. But take it from me, each day that goes by does get easier. February 2007 was nothing like February 2008, March 2008 is better than March 2007, and so on. But I don't think any of us will ever forget watching our loved ones die. And maybe we aren't supposed to.

Keep in touch. Terri and I have reached out to each other and we would love to have you join us! I can be reached at maridee@xaxter.com. Talking about it does make it so much easier.

Debra71508

Thanks for these posts!

No, Maridee, the second SCA was without an ICD. he has one now of course. His doc said, "let's not wait and see if three's the charm."

The second SCA was caused by the unmedicated stent having formed a scar that narrowed the LDA (Left Decending Artery, aka "the widow maker") if I have that right. Because he had zero risk factors & they figured he would never have a second heart attack now that he was on all those meds, etc., they did not put in the ICD the first time. What I didn't know then that I learned later is the biggest risk for a second heart attack isn't the "risk factors" we all know about - smoking, fatty diet, family history, etc. The biggest risk for a second heart attack is a first heart attack.

And we of the SCA sisterhood have guys with very sensitive hearts who, once they have even a small heart attack or blockage of an artery in the heart, flip out and go into a defib messing up the heart's ability to maintain a correct rhythm.

So let's raise a glass & toast the dude (dudette?) who created the ICD!

BTW - his has yet to be tested so I'm worried about that. Maybe we can talk about that one of these days. meanwhile - I've got to get to work. Thanks to everyone on this post. You are real heros.

Paul_Pakusch

I'm not the wife, but the husband. I was with my wife Mary (also on this forum as Mary1) the first time she collapsed. I find a lot of relief in talking about it. I usually talk about it with just Mary, as both of us are able to discuss our feelings thoroughly about anything with each other.

Yes, Mary's situation was graphic as well. From watching her collapse helplessly on the floor, banging her head along the way, to a fixated, deathly stare, no emotion in her face, to watching her turn purple as I struggled with learning CPR on the fly from a 911 operator until help arrived. Then firemen cut her nightgown open, shocked her twice and put an oxygen mask on her. Ambulance crew arrived shortly thereafter and intubated her. She never regained conciousness until two days later. It was not a pretty sight.

How many of you are familiar with the jet crash in Sioux City, Iowa in 1986(?)? That's the one that was captured on video, flipping over and dumping most of its passengers into a cornfield? Many people died, but many more survived, including the pilot, Al Haines. We saw Al Haines at a FAA seminar on aviation safety some years ago. One thing that he said that really stood out to me at the time was that he needs to talk about the event. It was very traumatic for him to feel that he killed "half of his passengers", even though the cause was found to be mechanical and there was nothing he could have done to prevent it. He said going to these safety seminars around the country was a way for him to talk about it and that it's "therapeutic" for him.

After Mary's SCA, I felt a real connection to what Al said. After the initial shock of what happened, my next emotion was extreme guilt that I had passed up so many opportunities in my life to learn CPR. Fortunately, Mary beat incredible odds and now lives a nearly normal life. But I still feel like I need to talk about the event itself. Our kids are tired of hearing about it. I don't push it on friends and relatives. I do find it therapeutic to talk about it with Mary, but sometimes I feel like I need someone other than Mary, the survivor. I get that sometimes from reporters who have written stories about us. And since I play in a firemen's marching band, I sometimes get an opportunity to "'unload" on a fireman as we wait in a staging area for our parade to start.

Most of the time I handle all of this very well. But there are times I just need to talk about it.

This place is good, too! Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories and for listening to mine!

Paul_Pakusch

Debra, regarding your comment about the ICD still needing to be tested, do you mean in the hospital in a controlled situation or the real thing? For me, when Mary went in to have her ICD tested, I was so scared for her. I had all these horrible thoughts that purposely stopping her heart to see if the ICD would kick in would backfire. But it performed beautifully!

And then came the REAL test: Her second SCA. She was alone when it happened. She remembers suddenly feeling "really dizzy" and then waking up in a daze on the kitchen floor. Data retreived later from the ICD showed it had been a full-blown cardiac arrest, but she was revived in only 8 seconds! We were thrilled to learn how nicely the ICD did its job!

Ironically, since the second SCA in which the ICD saved her, I have been a LOT more relaxed about all this. It proved that those darn things actually work!

Debra71508

Yes, Paul. That is exactly what I mean. They haven't given him the uber-controlled, under sedation, in hospital test yet. As hard as it is to go through that I can't imagine how hard it would be to have the thing "field tested," if you will, as your wife had.

8 Seconds! That is amazing. I can imagine feeling a little more relaxed when you know that little stupid little box is actually a genuine miracle.

Meanwhile it is now 5 months since his last SCA & since the second SCA was 5 months after the first SCA I am finding myself semi-wacked out. I've had to call him after I left for work twice this week (both SCA were between 9 and 10 a.m.) to make sure he's ok & on the other days I've not been able to leave him until after 10. I'm so jumpy & sometimes have a hard time sleeping, etc.

Today's his 54th birthday and all I've been thinking is how close we got to him not having this birthday.

We're having champagne tonight to celebrate. Sometimes I think we should have champagne to celebrate every night but then I remember our budget.

terriwinget

Thanks Paul, Debra & Maridee! Reading your posts today really puts a smile on my face and warmth in my heart.

Paul, just so you know - since I learned so much more about you and Mary, I have been WAY more relaxed and confident that we've got a safe backup JUST in case. I can't even imagine how many people you've done that for. Thank you again!!

Maridee too - yes Debra, if you haven't already e-mailed Maridee...she's been SUPER helpful too!! :-) I think that even if we have to talk about the same stuff over and over, new feelings, old feelings, etc...we should. We all have so much in common.

I just wish that I wouldn't have waited so long to reach out because since I have within the past couple of months or so - I've been SO much better.

Debra, I hope you have a wonderful evening with your b-day boy! Definitely LOTS to celebrate!!

crochet

My husband is alive. Each time I pass by the spot in the hallway where I did CPR on my husband I praise the Lord for the extra time with my man. I thank God for the paramedics and the hospital that did the induced hypothermia.

My man has cardiac sarcoidosis. We are learning how to deal with the new "normal". We know that there are very few people alive with this. We have been through some tough times in our 25 years together. But this is different.

Together we are finding our way each day. We look at each other differently now. It reminds me of when we were in the Army. The possibility that some "enemy" will separate us.

It has been almost 5 months now. I am getting better about being away from him...that was the toughest thing. And we talk about all this stuff in little chunks because it is all so overwhelming.

Suuz

I am working at home today and for some unknown reason, I decided to check this site. My husband, Bill, has been a member for about a year. I found your notes very comforting as it seems like we all have the lingering effects of trauma in common.

My husband (then 49) suffered a cardiac arrest in December of 2003. On December 8, we celebrated 5 years! I too was right there when the arrest occured and called 911 right away. What I didn't understand was why he would die on a Monday night at 7:28 while checking his email. I didn't even know enough to lay him down on the floor and begin CPR. Fortunately my husband is a member of our local volunteer Fire and Rescue Department and when they got the call and realized it was one of their own, they made good time. Even so, he was gone for 8 minutes before being revived.

It has been a long road, for each and both of us. My husband fought so hard to come back, to regain his memory and physical condition after the ordeal. I lived with a fear that is so hard to describe. I didn't cry, as this way about him, not me. For weeks, months, and years I have tried to put those initial days behind me. I think the post traumatic stress disorder is very hard to deal with because with SCA, you never know when the next time will be. Even with an ICD (he is on his 2nd one now) we have had a couple of incidences which have been very frightening. One I was there, one I was not.

Also, what I think our spouses do not realize is the crushing responsibility we feel, especially if we were the only ones there at the time. Lots of scenerios still play through my head...if I would have just done CPR, why didn't I do CPR?

The one piece of advice that I feel I can pass along to you that have more recently experienced this is that writing, journaling, or even recording the story, from the beginning may bring you relief. I sat down at the computer about 3 weeks after my husband finally got out of the hospital and wrote. When I was finished I had 12 pages, a complete chronicle of everything that happened and how I felt. I called it "Bill's Story," and I re-read it once a year on the anniversary of the SCA.

We all are incredibly lucky people. I feel, right at this moment, incredibly lucky to have read this posting. I really do feel that ONLY a person who has experienced an SCA of their loved one can understand the strange mixture of emotions one goes through.

Bless you and your survivor this holiday season!

janee

I too performed CPR on my husband, in a restaurant two hours after my son graduated from college. The picture never goes away; it just fades a bit. It has been 4 1/2 years now. I am an RN and question if my CPR was "good enough." My husband did not have hypothermia and has brain damage. Did I not do the compressions deep enough and fast enough? As I remember it, an EMT sitting behind us did the mouth to mouth but one of the paramedics who arrived on the scene said I was doing the mouth to mouth--if I was, did I get enough air in? I go over and over this. I am on a low dose antidepressant and have been to counseling but I guess it is something we all just have to live with. It sucks! Janee

amydavis

Yes, I, too, am a wife, of a beloved husband, who simply dropped in front of me, walking from the bedroom to the living room. I knew immediately, it was his heart. He was 55, and had a silent heart attack at age 40. He had a rotorblader done, back then, and has since, had no symptoms, and was checked regularly. He was extremely active, in good shape, and just a wonderful man. He dropped, and groaned, terribly, while I ran for the phone. While waiting for the first responders, 911 directed me with CPR (even though I had been trained, I could not think). But I did the CPR, and he turned purple while doing so. I was so relieved when someone took over for me, but alas, no one could revive him. Talk about a light switch. I don't think he ever knew what hit him.
I relive this every day, many times per day. It has been 2 months, and I feel like my life is over. I can't seem to think right. I just retired from 25 yrs of school teaching, and we had built a wonderful retirement life, on a small ranch in Maine. I have had to give it all up,as I can not run it without him. It is simply too painful, and besides, I simply can't do the heavy work he did, such as plowing snow with a tractor, maintenance on farm buildings, chop wood, etc.
I have much to be grateful for, with 4 incredible children, after 33 yrs of marriage, grandchildren, but I can't settle. I am so restless.
I wonder what other widows do?
Thanks for listening,

Amy

Paul_Pakusch

Suuz and Janee, you hit the bull's eye with how I felt about my efforts at CPR. Hours later, while I was in the hospital waiting room wondering what Mary's fate was, my sisters and Mary's sisters both had to console me; mostly because I was sobbing that whatever I did wasn't "good enough." Even after she recovered and went back to a mostly-normal life, it still took me a long time to believe that. When we finally met the 911 operator in person, SHE told me that what I did was great. I finally concluded that I can't argue with anyone.

Suuz, it's interesting what you said about journaling. While Mary was in the hospital for 10 days, I spent a lot of time writing e-mails that I mass-mailed to a LOT of our friends and family. Sure, I got quite a bit of sympathetic and hopeful responses from people, but when I look at those e-mails now, I can't believe I wrote so much to so many people!

Amydavis, I am truly sorry for your loss. I really believed for a few days that I would be in your shoes, so I can only say I have somewhat of an idea what you are going through. At least you have your children and grandchildren. I think as time passes by, you will be able to figure out what to do with your restlessness. Best wishes to you.

Paul

Bogey

I wish this post were a happy one but its not. My SCA happened 10/06/06 with my wife beside me in the car. The first nine months after it happened she was gratefull that I was alive but on her 50th birthday things changed. She kept telling me I was not the same man. Said she was living with a ghost. I know I'm not the same cause without a heart beat for 13 minutes something will happen. I thank God every day that I'm alive but I think He's has something better for me. To all you mates of SAC victoms please love your mates with your whole heart, thats all we ask for. As for my wife, well I recieved my divorce pappers two weeks ago, seems she found a man that is not a ghost. Thank you for letting me vent abit and Happy Hollidays to all.

janee

Bogey,

I am sorry for your loss. But you must realize that your wife also lost her best friend. It is true after that long without oxygen and then a diffuse brain injury, that personalities change. My husband is not the same man nor will he ever be. I have considered at times leaving him but I guess I see just enough of his old self to stay. He is more like a 12 or 13 yo and can be verbally abusive. You probably don't realize how much you have changed and most marriages do not last after the brain injury. I say go on with your new self and have a life of your own and enjoy it.

And to the lady who lost her husband, I am sorry I can't remember your name, be greatful that your husband did not survive with a horrible brain injury where maybe even walking would be impossible. I would suggest a book club since I love to read so much. Or perhaps a widows group where you are going thru the same thing.

My best to all of you. Janee

terriwinget

Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for your posts. I am so grateful to all of you. In fact, you have been the most helpful to me out of all of my resources! Only we (victims and family) truly understand how trying this experience is and it makes such a difference when someone truly understands.

Bogey, I am so sorry for what you've been through and are going through. It's so hard, for everyone involved. My husband is not the same either and it's heartbreaking. I can relate to the 9 months of being thankful that he is alive and then having things change. I too, have contemplated leaving many times because I feel like I am holding everything together without any support, physically or emotionally. John is irritable, unmotivated and many times just flat emotionally. He gets mad at the smallest things and doesn't treat people as well as he once did. And he's much louder at venting his frustrations (like in a crowded grocery store). I have been embarassed so many times and just get furious. I have been very patient for a long time and I feel like he is now capable of stepping it up. At times, I almost feel like he has taken advantage of me babying him for the past year. I am tired of being the "man of the house." I love him dearly, but right now - it's really hard to live with him. I am like you Janee, after so many years of marriage, what are we supposed to do? I would feel better if he talked about what was feeling and why he's so grouchy, but he doesn't - so I've had to guess at everything and try to understand.

When I read my various posts, I can see the changes from being super positive and grateful to feeling, well...like this! That shows the transition from being thankful, to becoming frustrated. Bogey, I hope in some way this helps to understand your wife's leaving. It's very sad, for everyone. I know that John would be devastated if I left him, but sometimes I feel like he doesn't care, and that's the hardest part of all. I think you are right, God has a different plan for you. I agree with Janee - go on with your new self and enjoy life. :-)

Amy, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I hope it doesn't seem like those of us who still have our husbands are ungrateful. We really are...just trying to deal with the aftermath. My heart goes out to you because I know you would rather have 1/2 of what your husband once was than to not have him at all. At least we have been given a chance. I hope that you find comfort in your friends and family and have a lot of support. It's good to be here too & I think you are in the right place. Two months being a widow is not very long at all (especially after being married for 33 years), yet you are already able to express what you are so grateful for. That says a lot about who you are as a person, incredible, hopeful and strong.

Okay, thanks to YOU all for listening to me. :-)

Suuz

Happy Holidays to All,

In reading the posts, I am struck by another common thread which might make a good sub-topic to our "wives (and husband) at the scene."

Some of you mention changes in your spouses due to a lack of oxygen during the SCA. I thought we might talk about some of these to see if any of us have come up with coping mechanisms to help live with changes in personality. I hope I have understood the comments correctly.

My husband is not the same man I married, 8 minutes without oxygen causes brain damage. Even though we were lucky, there are lasting effects and I am willing to share those with you all. First thing and the most noticeable is the effects on short-term memory. When my Bill came home from the hospital, he was unable to read because his vision was temporarily affected by the SCA and new drug regimes. We did a lot of brain exercises and used the jumble and crossword puzzles in the paper daily. With the jumble, I would give him the letters over and over and he would try to make the word. We did the same with the crossword puzzles. Over time he got better at this and was able to take over on his own once the vision improved.

Long lasting (5 years) effects include extreme need for control. I understand when this happens to a person and everything seems to be beyond their control. I was hoping that this fight for control would lessen over time, but actually I have to admit, it has not. This has made things hard for me because it is something we didn't experience before the SCA. Also, I notice that the way Bill's brain works is different. He tends to make a snap judgment and most of the time, it is incorrect. He is easier to become upset or angry than he was. I definitely have to watch myself as to not be a trigger for this.

Do I like this? Am I happy that our lives have changed in such ways? Obviously the answer is NO. But, I do accept things. I do think the alternative is unthinkable. I am no longer hoping and praying that things will go back to the way they were. But, trust me, this has been a struggle within myself. I do know that Bill can't help most of this.

If anyone wants to comment and share I would like that. I know that I am the "senior" member of the group in terms of time since SCA. I want to be a resource if I can be.

PS. Could we share the states that we live in? Minnesota

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