Until this week I had been going along in what I refer now to as denial. My SCA happened in July and within a week I had an ICD. It all happened so fast and without warning. I had a dream last night and I really thought that I was having another SCA. I could feel the rough motions of the compressions and see the white flash of a shock, the breaths entering my mouth followed by vomit exiting. In my mind I kept saying just wake up you cant die but couldnt wake up. The dream was very vivid and included my house on fire running through my neighborhood to find my children, finding my dog dead and finally bargaining with a "higher power" to please not let this be the end. I finally awoke in a panic crying and screaming for my husband. This began the anger and depression phase of my recovery. I find myself wishing for the return of denial as it was so much easier to deal with, though I know this is a necessary evil to gain acceptance. I am now fearful of sleep as this 'simple' dream was more traumatizing for me than my actual SCA was. Hopeful but scared of what is to come on this journey that I thought I was handling so well. My word of advice for the day is to family and friends of survivors, I had so many visitors while in the hospital and so many people helping with my day to day life..kids..supper..housework all of this assistance and support came in the time of my denial and positive everything is ok phase. Now when I find myself more lost then ever everyone has returned to their normal lives and hardly mentions what to me is a 'brand new' trauma. I want to avoid sounding like a "basket case" to all of the family and friends that were so helpful because they have no way of knowing that the hardest part for me is now not 4 months ago when they were processing the trauma.
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The stages of grief/acceptance
- By Jamesrochelle
- Posted November 5, 2009 at 1:56 am · 4 replies
- In Surviving SCA
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- By rturri
- Posted November 5, 2009 at 5:18 am
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Dear "Basket Case" :=)
Many of us are in the same "basket", my friend! My SCA was on April 6, 2008 and still I have "levels of awakening" from a foggy post-trauma. I am VERY familiar with the kind of dream you had. They are incapacitating and it's hard to believe they aren't real. They can lead to insomnia in a hurry and with your heart still healing, you cannot afford to be sleep deprived. For those of us who have "been there and back", I'm not so sure that such dreams are completely unreal. Go and get your ICD checked - you may find that it caused the whole thing. Don't forget the date! It also sounds like some sleep apnea (caused by the dream itself, maybe?). So, don't start weaving those baskets quite yet!
All that aside, I know how terrifying that was for you - especially the feeling of not being in control of your own conciousness and being unable to wake up. And I would add this: few authors of text/info books regarding grief and trauma have experienced it as you have and certainly have not survived an SCA. I'd say, let the dream tell you what it can and don't restrict yourself too much with "stages" of death and dying and the "processing" of trauma. You are a *survivor* of death and a very rare bird indeed. You are walking an uncharted path and probably know as much about it as anyone living today.
Anyway, I am extremely interested in that dream and sharing my own SCA experience with you. It scares others at a primal level and you'll probably not get the "closeness" now, from family/friends, that you had at first. They still love you but they want to think of you as "alive" and your deepest concern is with "dead". Am I right? I'll talk with you at anytime and as much as you wish about this. I'm very open with my SCA experience but have had a difficult time trying to find someone else who is. Please send me a message, use the "Guestbook" or email me at <4turri@gmail.com>. OK? I'm going to click on that "Recommend" button above, too, because I believe your post is extremely valuable to others who have not recovered as well as you have. On behalf of them and for myself, Jamesrochelle, THANK YOU for your openess and your honesty. I don't think this will be forgotten any time soon.
God bless you greatly, my friend.
Bob
- By Jamesrochelle
- Posted November 5, 2009 at 5:58 am
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As I reread my own discussion post and the amazing reply sent by Bob I have tears in my eyes for the 'person' the 'woman' who is going through this awful experience and then come to the realization that this person is me. How can this be? Why was I chosen to walk such a difficult road? What can I or should I learn from this? 6 months ago I would brag of my perfect health and now I find myself a survivor of DEATH is that even possible? Why did I survive, is it luck or something deeper?
- By andybelfast
- Posted November 5, 2009 at 6:37 pm
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JR,
I really appreciate your candour and that of Bob. I had an SCA on 12th May 2009. I was driving at the time and hit a house near to my home. I have absolutely no recollection of this day at all and only began to make contact with the 'real world' on 22nd May. At this time the reality of what had happened began to touch me. Luckily, no one had been hurt due to my event, but the medical people had performed a triple bypass on on 16th May.
This, along with other heroic responses at the accident site, had saved my life. Today I find myself amazed at my survival and the people that have brought me to this point. Many total strangers and of course my amazing, supportive family, Barbara, Steven, Helen, Katy to name but a few, have stuck with me through this nightmare.
I have been totally delighted by friends, people who work with me and those I meet on a daily basis. I have accepted the fact of these events. Sometimes I feel really shocked by the events. I can recall, soon after the realisation of what had happened, feeling 'violated' by the pain and huge scar on my chest and on my leg. On 21st September I had an ICD fitted.
Today I am still coming to terms with all the things that have happened. I admire how you have shared your recent experiences, it will help me if the same thing happens to me. If it helps at all, I feel that there are basically two ways to get through SCA, death or survival. Take strength from the fact that you have survived. We can never know why, in this life, but we need to take hope from the fact.
I really hope that you have no reoccurences of your dream/nightmare, it sounds really awful, but I think it is possibly your way of coping with such life affecting events. Remember, when you woke after praying that your nightmare was not the end, it was a dream.
Think about the future, I am really looking forward to Christmas, I mean really! Who knows what the future holds for us all, enjoy it.
Very best regards,
Andy
- By Mary1
- Posted November 6, 2009 at 7:34 pm
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I had my SCA 3 1/2 years ago now. I never had any nightmares, but I did experience very scary thoughts. There were several times when I became VERY curious about death. I remember hearing a train coming (we have a train track behind our apartment complex) and I started imagining what it would be like to go stand in front of that train and let it hit me. I didn't feel "suicidal," it was more just curiosity.. weird.
Then there was the time I was driving and started thinking about slamming into a wall. Again, I didn't feel like I WANTED to die, I just couldn't help wondering what it would have been like if I had... In both of those instances, the "fantasy" became almost real. I could really see myself walking toward those train tracks. When I came back to "reality" I was terrified that I had thought that way. I did go to therapy at the time, and it helped tremendously.
I know you will be able to work through the nightmares and put that part to rest. I am thankful for all of us that we have this forum to talk to people.
Take care.
Mary
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