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Spouses Coping with Personality Changes

terriwinget
0 Recommendations

Thank you Suuz for suggesting a new "sub-topic" for "Wives at the Scene..." What a great idea! Believe me, if I would have see this topic before - I would have pounced on it months ago.

It seems many of us are dealing with the challenges of personality changes that our spouses have undergone after SCA. If any of you are like me (which it sure does seem like lots of you are), it's something that is very difficult to admit and talk about. I have told myself countless times "You should just be grateful that he's alive." In fact, I have kept these challenges to myself for many months, in fear of sounding ungrateful that my husband is still alive. I have come to realize that it is something very real that many of us are facing and the support we can provide to each other in "coming out" will help us through this rollercoaster.

I know that we all love our spouses very much and don't wish to come on to "bash" them, but I know from my experience lately (coming out of denial), that talking and writing about it has helped me to laugh & feel very comforted.

Suuz, in response to your post at "Wives at the Scene..." I really appreciate your input and perspective, especially the part about no longer hoping and praying that things will go back to the way they were. When I look at it that way, it gives me insight to move forward with what I have and that maybe I should not spend so much time looking back.

The lack of motivation, empathy towards others, kindness, understanding, patience, excitement and judgment have been the biggest challenges for me and my situation. John used to have an abundance all of those qualities, but they have disappeared.

What makes it even more challenging is that he does not express his feelings or struggles, even when I try really hard to make him talk about it. He says that everything is fine and he doesn't notice that he is different. A part of me says that he can't help it, but the other part says he NEEDS to help it. Do any of your spouses talk about it or shed light on what they are feeling?

I hope that by starting this topic, it will help others to know they (you) are not alone.

P.S. Could we share what states we live in?

I am in Marysville, WA

We should have an Inspire convention so we could all meet each other!

Thanks everyone,
Terri

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44 replies

janee

Hi Terri,

Wouldn't it be great if we could accept the "new spouse" and move on, but this is impossible, since we married someone who was very different. If your
husband is anything like mine, his moods can change from one moment to the next. One night I was just talking to him about something that I love (probably chocolate) and my husband came back with, "I know something that I love, and that's you." Just like my kids did when they were young. It was so sweet! But then he will turn around and just yell at me about something, usually nothing of any importance. It can be embarrassing ,especially when out. He will throw his hands up in the air and I think others think he is physically abusive, which thankfully he is not.

I spent the first year helping my husband get well. Speech therapy, physical therapy, neuro-psych testing, neurologist, physiatrist, psychiatrist, electrophysiologist, driving exams, you name it.

The second year, I spent in therapy, being told by the psychiatrist that I needed to grieve for my "dead" husband." It is pretty tough grieving, with an ego-centric person yelling at me. And I was very busy caring for my sick Dad. When my Dad died, we had a family grave side military ceremony. My husband, a retired military officer, left me to go talk to the honor guard while I went to bury my wonderful Dad. About a week later, I was laying in bed crying. My husband asked what was wrong (at least he noticed). I told him that I just needed a pat and that was exactly what I got
"a pat."

The third year, I spent researching a divorce, weighing the positives and negatives. The positives out numbered the negatives, considering finances and who could take care of this man who used to me my husband--they say for better or worse and I think this is the worse. I changed my will to make sure our children would be taken care of, knowing my husband's income would be ok for him and afraid that in his ego-centric self may spend any extra bucks.

I am now in the forth year. I am tired of the ever changing personality--both his and mine. He says I never laugh or have fun. It is because he is emotionally flat and takes everything literally. I am sucked dry. I have committed myself to a health problem my daughter has, doing research and starting an affiliate group in Arizona. I do laugh, when I have people like you share the frustrating stories you have had with your husband, and you are able to laugh when I share mine. They really are silly when you hear them told by someone else.

So I think perhaps we need to share our ever frustrating stories of our spouse' and let the folks at the other end giggle and then have them send their stories. It really does help!!

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, or any other happy time you can think of. And have a laugh for me!!

fabu

Well its Christmas eve and 9 pm he is drunk... nand says im happy why cant u understand im happy!
u always have 2 spoil it!
we are at a friends house and he has had maybe a half plate of linguine and clams. He is trying to help cleaning up but the bottle we brought is way down, and he has started to cry and repeat hisself, thank god its a bunch of Italian friends that r used to this behavior on Xmas eve... but im the one that saved his life and im the one that has to drive and im the one that has to say he may have brain damage (which I dont) and im the one that has to put him 2 bed and make sure he doesnt hurt himself, or fall and pull the wires out! its only been a month since the ablation. and b4 that every 6 days i drove him 2 the e r wi the damn thing going off... he is proud that i saved him the first time, but im not so sure he never smiles anymore, and the only time he laughs is after a few cocktails... which i let him have for MY sanity!!!

Johnie

Oh, Fabu!
I'm so sorry. As an adult child of two alcoholic parents, who ruined every holiday, I can so identify with your sorrow. Of course, for you it is compounded by all the other issues, and no end in sight for the pain. I will be thinking about you today, and say a little prayer just now.
Johnie

janee

Dear Fabu,

I am absolutely so sorry for you. My husband was a heavy drinker prior to SCD. Some how he got it in his brain that he can never drink again because he can have seizures. I did tell him that I would absolutely leave if he ever had a drink and it worked. He did spend one day in the hospital trying to get my son (who he thought was a cop) to go get him some beer.

Please take care of yourself and if that means leaving your husband, you must. If you become sick you cannot take care of anyone. I will be thinking of you and wish you the best. Please write more if it helps!!
We care about YOU!!!

Love, Janee

Nutbeem

Wow, personality change is not something I had even considered until I read this.

I asked my wife if I seemed any different, and she says that she thinks I get a little more volatile then I used to, but now that I'm aware of it, I'll try to chill out a bit more.

The whole thing is sad. It's sad for the person who went through the SCD, because we had no control, but it's awful for the spouse too - especially when the person that comes out of the hospital is different then the one that went in.

I think of the millions of things that could have been slightly different during my SCD that could have resulted in my death or brain damage, and it really is hard to comprehend.

I guess at the end of the day, you have to make decisions that are based on the reality of your life today - the person that your spouse has become, and the person you are now, having gone through all of this.

It's just a lose lose for everyone. You don't get brownie points for staying in an abusive relationship, though, no matter what he or she used to be like.

Crystalsky

Your wife is very lucky not to have lost you. You want to make the best of everything, and that counts for a lot. My husband never had that chance; his brain damage was so severe. Now he's passed and my life will never be the same. Sometimes I wish we at least had a chance, but when I read what some of you are going through, I think maybe it was all for the best that he never recovered.

My prayers are with all of you trying to cope. I pray for strength for you and myself. I hope this is the hardest thing I'll ever have to go through in my life. I admire everyone working so hard at trying to make their new life work. Best of luck to you!

fabu

well Im ready to throw him out... he has no responsibility, does nothing without being told to except minor menial tasks...he hasnt had an episode for 45 days.. a feat in itself, ive taken out to dinners to broadway shows, to parties. to friends... i drink but, iwatch him cause im the driver and the one that makes sure everything is shut down 4 the night. and the sheets are changed and the towels are washed and the the floors are vacuumed etc... i cant live like a slob, i need some responsibility, he keeps talkin bout going back to work and getting insurance, shit he hasnt payed the cobra without me telling him, and the bills , forget about it, I cant sign it not my job? where is he what planet. is he 12 years old again , where do i throw him if i do get up the nerve to I have some $ not much left to me by my father and a car and a doublewide mobile home... Im living witha 12 year old that the drs think can go back to work soon... and so does he! hen cant work 4 me not without supervision... im too old for this shit!

janee

Fabu,

Since you have COBRA, can you get to a psychologist who perhaps can help you? A group home for men might be appropriate for your husband. Also you might check with your local Council on Aging to see what they suggest. It seems a shame that he may be on the streets. If he is a veteran, the VA can help.

Good luck to you. Janee

Maridee

I believe this post is to you, Fred, Pete's partner... I truly feel for you and what you are going through. It seems that you are the responsible partner and you have your own health concerns and health needs.

You must take care of yourself and find out what or who can take care of him. If he truly can't work because of his brain injury (you reference that he acts like a child which can be a result of a brain injury sustained while he was down), then a visit to the Social Security Disability Office might be in order. If he can be declared "disabled" Medicare will step in and pay his health needs 30 months after disability is determined.

My husband went through the process and though I thought we would be turned down, we weren't, and he doesn't sound as bad as your partner. BUT drinking cannot be good for him with the medicines he is on and he must get help for that.

You must protect yourself first and foremost. I have read of the pain you are going through and I hope you know that we are here for both of you. There are survivors and those who live with survivors and we have experienced many of the same things. Best of luck in whatever decision you make.

fabu

Thanks for all the support, guys! Pete needs to realize he has a drinking problem. He doesnt... The VA is miles north in E. Orange how do I get him there? He is cunning and sneaky, when he doesnt want to do anything he has "chest pains" now he EATS tums constantly, for "Heartburn"? ... he is 54 weighs about 130 and has no heart disease, heartburn is from booze and no food! at midnight i walked the dogs and watched him through the window pouring straight bourbon from the bottle down his throat.. he has gone in to the gen practitioner and begged for xanax, gotten it and been completely wasted for days with no memory, I dont find out till i find the empty bottle.
Im a babysitter watching someone committing a slow suicide and its killing me. I used to take care of AIDS patients and we let them do what they want with pills and liquor because we all knew the outcome... but in this case he has been blessed with the fact that he is still alive, and can become a useful member of society again... I had to tell him to go to bed and i gaurantee he wont be out of bed till after noon...
Im supposed to bring him to Atlantic City for a convention next week for 2 days but

fabu

Oh by the way that COBRA insurance is so minimal it has barely paid or 2% of all this... if i go to the Dr they pay maybe $10 bucks, and if pete goes to the hospital they say he has used up all the coverage about $500.00 we are paying for the privlige of handing them a BC/BS card and being seen... Pete is not entitled to SSI cause he worked or Ft. Monmouth for 25 yrs SSD has been denied 2x cause he has the Drs. fooled into thinking he will be fine. A lawyer is working on it... im gonna need something soon before I crack up completely

Bus

I am one 70 yr old spouse who "Changed Personality" months after SCA & ICD. I share my experience for what support it may provide you.

I have Ammonia Toxic Liver causing my brain to swell and my personality to change. (not known to me.) My wife's friend told her that she had just had a friend die of it. To have me get my blood tested for AMMONIA. I tested above normal and Dr. said I have Hepatic Encephalopathy (see Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia for detail.) My liver fails to filter ammonia out of my blood and it crosses the brain-blood barrier and causes the brain to swell. This swelling causes personality changes, coma & death.

1. I had to cut back protein intake (no meat) now I only eat fruit & vegetables.(no fish) ((I take vitamin B-12 to compensate for no meat))
2. No alcohol (haven't had a drink in 32 yrs. but 20 yrs of heavy drinking took it' toll on my liver along with hepatitis"C" which they think I received from 1 tainted pint of 23 units of blood used in leaky heart by-pass before they use to test for hep."C" & aids.)
3. I go to the doctors office and get IV drips of Alpha Lipoic Acid (ALA) antioxidant twice a week (not covered by my insurance) to help clear ammonia from my liver and "P" it out. (You can get (ALA) vitamins @ health food store, but the haven't worked for me. )
4. I take Lactulose laxative to lessen the time that food is in my intestines and minimize ammonia produced.

My wife says she is relieved to have the old me back and helps me watch what I eat & keep portions small. She lets me know when she feels I changing personality. I do my best to reduce stress and no longer watch TV. Cut back on my medications and take only what is essential to live, to take load off my liver.(Drs. had me on 7 meds/ to CYA) I am down to 3 )

The ICD has shock me 6 times (saved my life.) and I have had 32 Phantom shocks. I try to re-direct my thinking to positive Regenerative Medicine thoughts when I lay down to sleep. I take naps & rest before I get tired.

I hope this will help others SCA spouses to get their blood tested for "ammonia", if they think that is a possible cause of their personality changes.

I am retired & live in Arizona. Good luck. Bus

sueque1208

Wow,

Finally some other people who are going thru similar things!! My husband had a Heart attack just over a year ago adn I have noticed a marked change in his personality. He was only 51 years old at the time and had triple bypass with sever complications . He has an ICD for Tachycardia.
Any way, I've been wondering who this man is I find myself with. I ocassionally get a glimpse of my wonderful loving husband I used to have. But usually he is very grumpy and stoic, non emotional .
Trying to carry on a conversation is almost impossible anymore, he gives me such smart A answers and then doesn't understand when I get upset with him. He has become very anti social as well.
Anyway, I just needed to vent, I think we spouses need to be warned about this personality thing.

terriwinget

Smart A and snappy answers to simple questions - YEAH!!!!

Antisocial - YEAH!!!!

Throwing his hands up in the air at people who make him mad driving down the road...I always ask him, "Do you WANT to get into a fight with someone because one of these days, someone is not going to take your rude gestures so lightly?!"

All of things that you all have mentioned are distinct characteristics and as I read the responses here, I think "OMG, exactly and YEAH" repeatedly. I can't believe how long I thought that it was my imagination and I would question myself often, "WOULD he have acted like this before?" Now I really know.

I told my husband about a month ago that if he didn't start to make more of an effort to work on what we're dealing with, then he will have to move out. I think that he knew I was serious when I printed out rental opportunities close to his work. So far, he has been making a huge effort so I KNOW that he is capable and aware of how his behavior has been affecting me and our relationship. Of course I'll have to see how long it lasts... I really don't want a divorce and the thought of being alone after being married for half of my life REALLY freaks me out, but we all know first hand that life is short!!! I know that I am partially responsible for allowing his behavior to go on for too long, but I have figured out that I've done that because I am in constant fear that something is going to happen to him and I would DIE if he left this earth thinking that I hated him. But, the time has come to say, "Enough is enough!"

I feel like we've created a secret club here and I'm really thankful for those of you willing to share your thoughts and for listening to mine. :-)

sueque1208

I am as well very glad to have someone who understands where I am coming from.
The other night I called him out on the way he reponded to me and since then he has seemed to be doing a little better.
I have also let this behavior go on to long, I was just so glad I still had him after he started recovering and so fearful of another heart attack that I have not addressed it with him. I LOVE HIM very much and have thanked God for the blessing of still having him alive, but I still crave the way our realtionship was before this all happened.
And as you said life is to short to live on pins and needles.
It is just wonderful to know I am really not alone.

janee

Ditto to you all. I have walked on egg shells way too long and stand up to him now when he shows his temper! We don't need to take that!! The way I see it we are as much the patient as our spouse, but we don't get the support from our docs or friends because they just don't get it. We must take care of each other by talking about it!! Janee

Teresa01

Hi Terri,
My husband just had bypass surgery 12/31/08, he had the widowmaker and we got to the hospital just in time. I have noticed since his surgery, he bites my head off every time I ask him a question or I try to talk with him. This is about our fourth time to go thru a life threatening situation with him. He almost amputated his arm and lost 75% of his blood, rolled a truck & was thrown from it, a building collapsed on top of him & now the widowmaker which he started bleeding after surgery & was given 12 units of blood. He has trouble sleeping @ night and also his appetite is not back. Have you gone thru any of these problems with your husband?

Bus

Hi Terri,
I am a problem husband who has survived 10 Vtac heart attacks. It is a frighting and emotional charged time for both partners for weeks. Life works best for both of us if I am asked questions when I am thinking of the subject, otherwise its an overload on my "feeling occupied brain". (My wife Nancy's feeling brain also.)
Good luck, Bus Awakening Heart

Teresa01

How does your wife deal with your emotions? I know it hard on the patient, but does the patient understand that is is hard on the spouse that is constantly taking care of him?

janee

Theresa,

I think we all wonder about this. I still do after 4 1/2 years, and believe this is the reason most of our marriages after anoxic/hypoxic brain injury result in divorce.
My husband became extremely ego-centric after SCD and has not changed. I have chosen to live with it, but boy is it difficult. I didn't sleep last night because he literally bounced me out of our bed. I told him about it this am and he said, "so what's new."
He never asks me if I had fun if I go someplace, just, "why were you gone so long?" It is just the way it is. Maybe for some, they have gotten better. I really don't think my husband has the emotion to show empathy or sympathy any more. Janee

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