Where is my faith?

I feel so lost! I don't understand this world! Or why I am in it. I feel like I'm losing my faith in God! Why do I have to suffer like this?

I was abused as a child. Raped by my own father. Sodomized, I should say. Among other things. When she was 15, my sister had the courage to run away and go to the police. My father was convicted, sentanced to two life terms, and died in prison ten years ago. My mother was sentanced for child endangerment and served 7 years. I told her what he was doing, at least twice, and she didn't stop it. The sad thing is that my two older brothers and I never testified. Never admitted at the time what had been done to us! My father received two life terms and then some, just from what he did to my older sister!

So, from age 9, I spent 9 years being bounced around from one foster parent to another. Angry that I had lost my Mother and Siblings. Lost, confused, and scared about what was going on in my world.

When I was 15 I was placed with the best foster parents. Or so I thought. They helped me learn to forgive my father. Between them and the therapist that I was seeing, I came to realize that my hatred for him was only hurting me. I forgave him and found faith in God. For a few short months I was happy, truly so. Then one day I got hives, all over my face. My foster Mom told me to pray. I wanted to go to a Doctor and she refused to take me. We screamed and yelled at each other. In the end she through a cup of Kool Aid in my face. It was a terrible night. Less then two weeks later my foster parents went on a weekend get-a-away. They came back a day early, to let us know that we would all have to leave. My 55 year old Christian foster Dad had been having an affair with my 17 year old foster sister.

I was heartbroken. I learned so much. And was betrayed so badly!

So, I moved on. Another foster home. Then, yet another.

The ovarian cysts started when I was 16. I was put on medication that never really seemed to help. When I was 18 I married, I was 8 months pregnant.

My first husband "stole" my children. I was sick, no one could tell me why and I felt so lost. I went to the ER at least a dozen times. With no insurance at the time, I didn't have many options. I was working, so I took an entire pay and went to a Gynecologist. I'd been being diagnosed with PID, but I knew it wasn't that. The GYN put me on antibiotics and pain meds. Then one day I collapsed at work, my Mom dropped me off at the ER. I was admitted for 4 days, with IV antibiotics. The pain persisted. So, my GYN finally did a laparoscopy, and found that my follopian tube was being twisted by a cyst! Finally, I had an answer to the pain!

But, I lost my two older boys in the process. I have joint parenting, and joint custody. But it's not the same as having raised them myself. I will never have the closeness, or the tight bond that I could have had. It's lost, forever.