My heart died........

So, for a bit of a flashback, I'm going back to the summer that I turned 16.

It started something like this;

For my 16 birthday I received a phone call from my old foster mother. She wished me happy birthday and then went on to tell me that the boy I had loved the last 3 years had gotten married! As you can imagine, I spent the next few days crying my eyes out. But, I still had some hope at that time..

I had a move back home date set......August 15! I was looking forward to escaping the foster care system and FINALLY being re-united with my Mother. I had an unbelievable amount of hope set on that day!!!

Then I found out that Children Services wasn't too happy with the man that my mother was seeing. No big deal, right? So what that she had met him through my father, while they were all in prison. The man had served a sentence for attempted rape of his daughter. At the time, I didn't realize how significant that fact was, nor what the impact that it would have on my life.

Then August FINALLY came and I found out that I wouldn't be moving home to my Mother's! Even though Children Services made her fully aware of their distaste in her choice of men, she MARRIED him on July 23, 1993. Just days before I was supposed to move home.

Needless to say, I didn't get to go live with my Mom. I stayed in foster care until I was 18. But that year, the year I turned 16, was a very dark and miserable year for me. I stayed up at night reading, slept through the days, wouldn't have anything to do with anyone.

I was smoking but I thought that my foster parents didn't know. They did. But they left me alone. My foster father at that time was a pastor and he told me later that the symptoms I displayed were the same as someone who was grieving.

I was grieving! I lost my heart that year, my hope, my belief that everything would be okay! It hurt more than you can imagine. To lose my childhood love and then my Mother!

Part of me died that year and to this day I live with the wounds! No matter how hard I try to heal them, they are still there....always there.

Once again I had been left behind. My feelings, my thoughts, my hopes, wishes, and desires....just left behind. I didn't matter....

Please don't ever do that to your children. I know that this life is hard. That it is hard to reach beyond the...I want to enjoy life while I can...way of thinking. But if you have a child or children.......your life will have been so much more worthwhile if you have made sure that your child(ren) know that they mean the world to you.

Trust me...I never knew that feeling but I can imagine what it might feel like. I can give it to my own children. Please do the same.