hi everyone, yesterday i was given some horrific news about a friend of mine. I hadn't seen him in a few months but dropped in to see him yesterday to have a coffee where he works and one of his co-workers told me he was no longer there. when i asked where he had gone to they told me he had passed away. of course my heart sank and i thought wow, how could that be, he was only 23 and healthy and just full of life and p.and v. and just seemed really ok. they said he had taken his own life.
I was completely dumb founded. I couldn't believe that. I was totally devistated. wow, I didn't know what to do with myself, i just drove around not knowing where to go, who to talk to, what to do or ....etc.
I went to my church and took refuge with my ladies bible study group (thank God they just happened to be there) and they consoled me and helped me through the first hour of my grief. My friend was not physcially ill but I thought about it for sometime after that yesterday and it led me to think of all of you and a moment i had a few weeks ago.
This might sound crazy and tell me if it does, but i think I experienced a moment of near death a few weeks ago. I was laying in my bed watching tv, it was about midnight and all of a sudden i could feel the blood draining from my face and i could feel it going down my body (meanwhile scared to death) and passed my fingertips and down my chest into my belly, i could feel my face going pale and i was slipping in and out of consiousness (i know sounds nuts- but there is no other way to describe it- and i was watching tv in my bed so there was no other reason and i think i stopped breathing at some point or my heart stopped not sure) and then i heard this voice in my head that said get up! Get up and move. Get up and move or you won't wake up. So, i listened, i lifted my hand- which felt like a thousand pounds and i actually grabbed the phone and dialed 911 into it but didn't turn it on, because to me i sounded nuts, anyway, I slowly managed to get myself upright and staggered around for a minute and went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face, felt faint and dizzy but managed to get moving a bit...then i slowly started to breath a little easier and felt less scared and eventually felt safe to get back to bed at around 3 in the morning.. . i think that I was so tired and fed up with this disease and the pain and what it is doing to my body that my physical body was giving up. I obviously wasn't ready to go as I could hear what I thought was the voice of God telling me to get up or I will die!
my point is- I understand my friends desperation. I don't quite understand the act, but the mental desperation of it being easy to let go of everything and slip away and not having to do this anymore is too easy and if given the option or oppertunity it could be easily accepted.
I know that if i ever felt that kind of desperation i could get on this website and talk to all of you and you would be there for me. I know that if I felt like things were too much for me to handle i have friends and loved ones, church friends, family, and other friends that would be there for me. I hope that if there is anyone out there that ever feels any kind of desperation that you will come to us, your sarc friends, brothers, sisters in this disease and take refuge or solace with us that understand and know that we are here for you and love you and will do what we can to get you through it.
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some bad news
- By scaredandfedup
- Posted October 22, 2009 at 9:39 am · 8 replies
- In Emotional support
- Shared with the public
8 replies
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- Newest first
- By Rosey2
- Posted October 22, 2009 at 10:31 am
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Hiya
Firstly let me say how sorry I am for your loss.
I have had similar experiences to you, once for example I was shaken awake by someone and had to gasp for breath.... it felt like I had stopped breathing or held my breath in my sleep, I live alone!
Like you I also feel I may understand your friends desperation, I have been to 'the edge' once or twice and have so far managed to get back....... finding this website has played a BIG part in keeping my sanity and my hope going on those occasions.
Thank you for your kind message of love and understanding it has lifted my spirit today. It is so generous of you to think of us all during your grief, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Rosey X
- By scaredandfedup
- Posted October 22, 2009 at 10:51 am
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Thanks Rosey. I appreciate that. Have a good day.
- By Frankie-Bear
- Posted October 22, 2009 at 2:34 pm
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I am so sorry to hear about your friend and the grief and loss you must be feeling.
I have been at that edge many times. Like when the doctor is telling me the pain I am experienceing is in my head. Then three months later the cat scan shows my lung is herniated through my ribs and that is what is causing the pain. To many days of no sleep because of the high dosage of steroids. Or just tired of this disease and what it is doing to me and just don't feel like I can take one more day of it. Thank goodness I do have a best friend that lives only minutes from me. I have a very understanding family doctor. I have found this site that lets me know what I experience is real and that there are other people in this world that feels like I do.
I am thankful for this site everyday. I wish you the best.
Frankie
- By scaredandfedup
- Posted October 22, 2009 at 3:11 pm
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Thanks Frankie. it really does help to have the support of the sarcoid website.
- By SarcoidPrincess
- Posted October 23, 2009 at 9:03 am
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so glad you have so much support and a strong faith that will see you through anything! God bless you!
- By pearlsnowflake
- Posted October 23, 2009 at 10:23 am
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I am so sorry about your friend. I think a lot of people with chronic diseases have sort of out of body experiences . Usually a combo of some physical malfunction and/or mental state. When I was being tested the docs were not sure what was going on with me and after a CT from my neck to pelvis they said I most surely had lymphoma. I was panicked to say the least but the evening before the doc was to call me with the results, I was lying in bed and a profound peace came over me and I heard a voice in my head say you do not have cancer. I got up from bed and felt a little faint and queasy but when I returned to bed I fell into a great sleep (the best I have had since being diagnosed). When my PC called the next day I said let me guess, I don't have cancer. He said he was shocked at the biopsy result and that in fact I did not have Lymphoma. Anyway, sometimes our going to the edge can be a positive experience too not always a result of desperation or sorrow so it is good to always be atune to your body and mind and what they might be telling you. You are in my thoughts and prayers..........
- By AngieT
- Posted October 23, 2009 at 12:12 pm
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I am so sorry to hear about your friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers, along with his family. And what a beautiful reminder to reach out when you are in either physical or emotional distress. There is always someone here.
- By scaredandfedup
- Posted October 23, 2009 at 1:44 pm
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I was talking to my doc the other day about that experience I had and he said that it is possible that my body was shuting down. Perhaps it was a wake up call to me in some sort of way but it has had a profound affect on me over the past few weeks.
Anyway, I promised my son I would take him to buy some boots so we are off to the big city today. I hope we can get through this day without any hiccups. May you all have a safe and Blessed day and may God's Angels suround you all with love and wellness. Bobbie-jo
Help and information from FSR
Sarcoidosis is a "multiorgan" disease - meaning it almost always involves more than one organ. It's unpredictable and affects different people in different ways.
You can learn about the ways in which sarcoidosis affects the body in FSR's Sarcoidosis and the Body brochure.
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