Feeling so depressed

After being diagnosed in March of 08 I was dong pretty well, being treated with Prednisone. The high dose of
40 mg has been lowered to now 15 mg.A month ago my husband of 55 years got very ill, had several surgeries, and I was by his side whenever needed, day and night, even was allowed to sleep in his room and nothing seemed to be too much for me. He had to undergo 4 major vascular surgeries, was twice in the hospital, and is now in a nursing center close to our living place.
Now it seems to me that whatever I say or do for him, is wrong, and he gets very angry and mad at me, talking in a loud and mean tone. Yet, when friends or nurses or doctors show up, he is the nicest per5son. this upsets me so much, that today I simply had to walk out of his room without saying good bye! Now my heart hurts, my lungs hurt, and I do not know if it could be the result of my sarcoidosis, or due to his sad state of health. (He will be 90 in December, and is 10 years older than I am.)
Pls. give me your input or suggestions.
Thanks, Lillideita

By smilinginside
Posted September 22, 2008 at 12:52 am
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Lillideita, i am so sorry to hear about your situation, god bless you and your husband..... it seems as if he frustrated being apart from his best friend of 55 years and i know you are probably under tremendous stress for the same reason and that can make you hurt also....... today will be a better day..... lots a prayers and thoughts to you and your husband for a speedy recovery........... and take care of yourself also!
eileen

By Cloudnine
Posted September 22, 2008 at 2:53 am
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Lillideita,

It could be so many things that are upsetting your husband. Our loved ones seem to take the brunt of our emotions because they seem to be the safest to express them to and sometimes those feelings just don't come out right. After 55 years, I am going to bet it all on the fact that you are the safest. It doesn't make it right.

He may feel guilty, because he is not able to be in the home. He may be mourning the person he was before he got sick. He may feel the need to be brave for others. He maybe very afraid. He may feel guilty for being sick (I have felt this one). I have asked my partner to leave me before because I thought he would do much better away from the sick me. I even remember a time of trying to push him away to save him from having to go through illness with me. Which he sternly called me out on and told me he would not be pushed away.

I sat here and thought about it. Maybe it would be a good idea to find someone on staff, his doctor or one of his nurses and let them know of his behavior. It might be some stress that he is trying to hide. Does the center have a psychologist? or someone of that nature, if they do I would go in and talk to that person.

When I get cranky and take it out on my partner he just smiles and tells me, "I love you too". In such the nicest way. This code for I am being a brat and taking out things on him. I sometimes don't know how he puts up with me. I don't get the code too often.

When we get ill we take our loved ones on a journey with us. They have emotions too and feelings. Sometimes we forget they are on this roller coaster with us and how it effects everyone.

I agree with Eileen it is probably a lot of stress. Your husband is being taken care of, are you taking care of yourself?

By BDILLY
Posted September 22, 2008 at 3:16 am
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Lillideita,
Cloud nine has many great suggestions!
REMEMBER! Your husband loves you and may not know how to deal with his situation.
And we are here for you!
God loves you too! Hang in there!

By SharonLauger
Posted September 22, 2008 at 5:51 am
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Lillideita,

First of all, Congratulations on 55 years of marriage! I am realizing that you are 80 yrs. old with a lot on your shoulders: sarcoidosis and all the day to day decisions of a marriage on you because your spouse in no longer able to share those with you. Plus, your husband looks to you as the one person he can just say anything to and you will love him and accept it. I am pretty sure he isn't his usual self right now.

It must be very hard to not take what he says personally, but that is what you need to do. Just let it pass off like "water off a duck's back" as they say. I hope you can give yourself pats on the back and find some hugs when you need them because you are a survivor.

You have made it this far and with a stinker of an illness. You are here for your husband whether he is appreciating it or not. So here is a big hug and a big pat on the back from me! I am sure many people here feel the same admiration for you.

I hope you can find special things to do just for you each day and get at least 6 hugs a day. I am told that is what we need to stay healthy. If you can't find them on the outside give them to yourself!

Sincerely,
Sharon

By Bubs
Posted September 22, 2008 at 5:54 am
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Hi Lillideita,

Oh I am so sad for you right now, but you know what he probably does not know any other way to vent his frustrations, I place my bets that he loves you so much and you are the closest to him. He can't very well have bad behaviour towards the Doc, nurses and others that look after him. I worked in aged care for a while and this is what I found the normaly to be. If this is not his normal character then hang in there, it will be hard work but be your gracious loving self . Don't walk out wihout saying goodbye the next time give him a hug and tell him that you love him and leave if it is unbearable for you. But please hand this over to God, He loves you and knows what you and your husband are going through. I found that when I am hurting my Sarcoid plays up and my chest hurts. Stress can bring on many forms of illness. You take care love you lots
Bubs

By pamk
Posted September 23, 2008 at 8:45 am
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All good feedback. I am a therapist and work with families that have had to place their loved ones in long term facilities. Very often the person placed doesn't understand why they can't continue to live at home. They don't see that it may not be safe for them or that they need a higher level of care. So they get angry at the person(s) usually its the spouse that placed them there. What you are experiencing I am sure is very difficult but it happens quite often. Remember that you have to take care of yourself first. Then you will be a better wife and caregiver for your husband.

Cloudnine gave you a good suggestion. See if there isn't a staff person, it may be a social worker who you can talk to and they may have a mental health professional who can talk to him. There maybe a support group that meets there for family members like you so you have a place to share your sadness, guilt and frustrations. I am sure everyone there wil relate. if they don't have one there may be one in your community through the area on aging.

Your husband is going through a major changes out of his control and this might be depressing him. Maybe he needs an anti-depressant. Some people get agitated when they are depressed. You need to take care of yourself. You have an illness that can be effected by stress as most are. There is a good caregiver website that might help you. Its called Leeza's Place. Hope this helps.

http://www.leezasplace.org/index2.html

By lillideita
Posted September 23, 2008 at 9:21 am
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What a blessing you all are. I have read your answers over and over, and that actually helped me to look at the bright side again. And the result was that the day yesterday was definitely a better one. For both of us!
By the way, my doctor ordered a full set of blood tests after hearing my story, and since I also get a copy of the results , I can see, that my problems must not be a flare-up of the sarc, but rather related to our situation.
I guess though that this could bring on a flare-up, and I will do my best to take better care of myself.
A blessing from heaven, my AZ daughter Monica is coming for the weekend totally unexpected.
Thank you all each and everyone, again for your helping hand,
Without being able to lean on you all, my friends, I probably could not have made it. That is the way I felt!
With love and thankfulness, Lillideita

By smilinginside
Posted October 19, 2008 at 5:37 pm
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sorry i haven't written but been going through a rough time last week and now lots of doc appointments this week. i'm hoping this finds you in better spirits and i hope all is better! i am thinking about you and your family. lots of hugs! eileen

By lillideita
Posted October 19, 2008 at 11:44 pm
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How I would love to be able to have you all come over for a visit, and stay for lunch and a nice walk in the beautiful fall scenery that surrounds our beautiful place here in the NW.
Each and every reply means so much to me, and fills me with hope. Yes, I did get all your hugs, so much needed! And now in return I send them back to you all, and hope your own situation has improved at this time. Please let us stay in touch, but just knowing that there are so many friends, like you Eileen, like pamk, like bubs, like sharon lauger, like cloud nine, and others, in the same boat, but still able to open their hearts to others. Thanks again, so very much.
I am feeling better, and finding the way back to my old self, namely a happy, and stronger person. And my sarc seems to also go in the right direction. My doctor upped the dose again back to 20mg from the 15mg. So my pains in all the joints are less, and the UTI which showed up as a side "benefit" is over .
I send my blessings, and love, to all and each and everyone of you,
Elisabeth (Lillideita)
And my husband is healing, on body and also on soul. And maybe he can return back home after a while.

By Sscuff
Posted October 20, 2008 at 9:18 am
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Hi Lillideita

I am delighted to hear things are a little brighter for you and your husband, it is so hard when both of you aren't on top form, my mum recently had a heart attack and although she is improving with each day, there is the added stress on her and my father as he has kidney disease. Sometimes she will let fly at him for no reason, and he has the patience of a saint. But other days you can understand her impatience, it is all about balance and looking out for each other and I suppose putting up with the rough times together. I think being ill definitly can make you more prone to being narky, it certainly happened with me, when I was sick with the sarc, I gave my partner an awful time but thankfully he remained supportive. My parents are heading for 52 years together. It is the bad times that test but also show the strength of the foundations of any relationship.

all the best
s

By quiltmess
Posted October 20, 2008 at 2:01 pm
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Bless your heart!!! You are doing wonderful. I admire how you have picked yourself up and doing better. I can learn much from you. I watch my mom and dad go thru this daily and it is so sad. I would love for them to learn from your example. You have receieved some good advice and I will leave it at that. Just know you have my prayers and blessings to hang in there and be happy. God Bless
Carol

By pamk
Posted October 21, 2008 at 7:38 am
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So glad to hear that you and your husband are getting better. Here is a good website for caregivers. My brother is the executive director of this program and it has helped so many caregivers. When your husband comes home you still need to take care of yourself first so you can be a better caregiver to him. Especially when the caregiver has a chronic and debilitating illness as well. Hope this helps. Good luck.

http://www.leezasplace.org/index2.html

By Laura7
Posted October 21, 2008 at 10:12 am
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I am sending a big hug your way. My heart goes out to you and very sorry for the way you are feeling. Some great advice giving to you and remember he loves you and we love you!!! You take care of yourself and take some time for you. God Bless you

Laura7

By lillideita
Posted October 22, 2008 at 11:05 am
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Thank you so much for your suggestions. I will read through that website , and go back to it when needed. One good thing happened yesterday: my husband's doctor prescribed Paxil for my husband, and although he did strongly to taking this med he finally was talked into trying it by his doctor. I just hope that all his negative moods are not the start of something more serious! So far his memory is great, but I notice the short term one is slowly diminishing.
Thank you again, and how is your own health (sarcoidosis) doing? I love to hear more from you.

By pamk
Posted October 22, 2008 at 12:31 pm
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If his negative moods are related to having a depressive disorder the paxil will hopefully help. It takes 4-6 weeks to feel the full benefits from an anti-depressant but you can see small signs of improvement sooner.

There is also a connection with depression and heart surgery/heart disease. But whatever the cause an anti-depressant should help. There may be some initial side effects but most subside after a week or two. So encourage him to stay on it until he can start noticing a benefit. When he feels better and wants to stop the medication remind him that he is feeling better because he is taking the medication.

Leeza Gibbons caregiver website is for all caregivers. It originally was focusing on family members of alzheimer patients since that was Leeza's situation but has expanded to all caregivers as the info and support apply to whatever the loved one has. A caregiver is a caregiver. Hope it is helpful.

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