2:41 am and I want to be a brat!!!

An hour ago I had one of those frightening, choking attacks, my heart was throbbing, it felt like my throat was going to rip open and it was a struggle to get all the velcro off. I've been battling this whole time and nothing quieted it. I'm drinking a warm cup of tea, my throat is raw, my head throbbing, my ears burning, stomach aching, esophagus spasming and Fibro screaming "don't forget me" while that joint where I had the injection Monday is doing a war dance of its own.
Usually I deal but right now I want to scream at Al, for God's sake wake up and do something. I don't know what I want him to do. Maybe just be there so I don't feel so alone or maybe I just want him to see how I'm hurting. It's the first time I've ever been angry because he didn't wake up and I don't know where it's coming from. Truthfully, maybe I resent and I'm scared because everyone is just expecting me to be able to handle everything. It's like they've forgotten that I spent a week in the hospital in June getting transfusions and vomiting my guts out. Like noone realizes what pain the walk down to the mailbox is and they don't want to hear it. Everybody's so thrilled over how great I'm doing I feel like I'm 12 again and everybody wants me to be "normal" so they don't have to deal with me.
Anne acts all concerned when I finally get up there and yesterday she did bring up the mail because they were down winterizing their motor home. But, as soon as I started across the deck she was quick to close the door. Of course, rationally, there wasn't any reason for her to stand there and freeze. I'm irrationally angry because he waited until now and winter has arrived with single digit temps. I was too sick yesterday to go and he did it but, it wasn't worth the guilt I felt all day. I'm so confused, one minute I want to yell at him for all the times I've cried inside while every step was torture and he insisted it would do me good to get out and the next minute I want to tell him it's OK and I really can do this even though inside I'm so scared of what it's going to do. These 3 months have been so precious and I don't want the constant agony I've lived with most of my life. These last 3 days have been so frightening and I can't talk to anyone here. He'd end up in tears like the other day because he's letting me down and the hill wouldn't understand at all. Although I think she realizes a little more that I'm not just milking it for all I can get. I haven't been on much the last few days because I didn't want to explode like this but, I can't sleep and I'm having one of those times when I can't think reasonably, I hurt, physically, emotionally and spiritually. If anyone is reading this please don't be disappointed in me, even the ancient ones have their days. Hope you're doing OK. spiritlove