Normalcy

I am spending all and any extra energy trying to be normal. I don't know what that really means, but all that keeps me going is my brain telling me over and over : just be normal, just be normal, you are not "losing it"...you will NOT "lose it." I go to work, I cook, I clean, I don't sleep (insomnia, yay for prednisone side effects), I go back to work. And in between I take way too many pills, feel like a walking zombie as I try to teach, and shake with nervous tremors all day long. I mean how is one supposed to "cope?" Especially when one is TIRED of coping, and tired of being tired, and tired of trying so hard to be "normal." I'm not looking for the usual, Keep your chin up, find the bright side, it could be worse, pray to god, have faith, one day at a time spiel. I just need to vent, and I hope you all can find it in your hearts to let me do so at this time.

I have been strong, I am strong, I'm making more than some people are, and for that I'm damn proud of myself, but right now, in the last two weeks, I want to curl up in a little ball and just be left alone. Left alone by scleroderma, left alone by the medicine, left alone by my job, society and all my demands and obligations. I don't want to deal with the extra, I just want to deal with me, the emotions in my head and my heart, the physical pain I feel and all the confusing thoughts that also keep me from sleeping.

This is how I feel, I'm sure some of you can relate, and again I don't want nor can handle the easy "pick me up" phrases right now. I don't need a response to this entry, it's just an angry, sad rant because i'm JUST TIRED, of it ALL. Someone my age should not have to pop 15 pills a day to just "feel normal" and still have pain, and anxiety, and an ugly moon face with 10lbs of extra fat and debilitating heart burn. I'm tired. That's what it boils down to, and I want to sleep, and forget about it, and wake up and not think about it, and go to work and love my job, but I can't do any of that because all I can worry about is how tired, mentally physically and emotionally I am ALL THE TIME.

And I don't want to cry anymore, but that seems the only solution some days. And there's no one in my direct line of communication that I can talk to and that understands, so I feel really really alone on top of it all, except when I come here, but then some days i just feel guilty because there are others who are worse than I am, and I should be grateful, and I am, but I do have a right to feel what I feel, and I'm not sorry for that right now. This is not the life I want. Especially when this life has the possibility of being a long one, it's too painful and tiring to live like this.

I need more answers, I need...hell I don't know...but it's not this, and this can't continue for much longer. Maybe it's the meds, maybe it's the stress at work, I don't know, but something needs to change, and Scleroderma obviously isn't going away, so I need to find what else it is that has to change, aside from the shape of my body (blah).

I'm done, I have to make dinner for my husband, it's his birthday, and so this day is not about me right now, it's about him and making sure he's happy and that at least brightens my day even if just for a moment.

Thank you for reading, if you got this far. And if you'd like to drop a line and just say you understand I'd appreciate it. But no loving words of advice, I've read them all in all the self-help books I've read about managing a chronic illness, and I've read it in the Bible, and heard it at church, and listened to it in support group. So thank you, but just keep me in your prayers and that will be more than enough.

Take care, and get some sleep if you can (it's oh so valuable)

Jas