Alone you'll self destruct

I've taken a bit of time looking through other people's journals on here today. There's hope, love, and families who've been made stronger because if nothing else is shared they share an illness. Sad as it is to say VHL really is "all in the family".

Today I've been trying to mentally process this illness. I'm the only one in my family with this. My dad died in 04' at the age of 52. He had VHL. We never knew anything about it. My dad was in a closed adoption in the 1950's. They said he had skin cancer which had spread uncontrolled through his body. I watched him die in a Hospice. Just months before his death he was in a coma and they thought he had a stroke. My mom couldn't sign any documents because they were divorced so it was left to me. I signed it just for him to wake up and find out he had 3 months left to live. One of the last things I remember was him laughing in my face when I told him I loved him.

I've known I have had VHL since late 2007. Just a simple uncurable sore throat and a CAT scan later here I am. I want to better myself and I need to. I live like nothing is going on but under the surface there is something there. I still smoke cigarettes, eat unhealthy things, do drugs,and drink on occation. I keep promising myself I'll change, then I wonder what for. It's bad to say but there are times I know I'd rather go earlier in life by my own choices than lie in a hospital. Anyone who has cancer who has seen someone die from it has to have it in the back of their mind..."Will I go like that"?

God is a whole different topic. I see so many "God bless yous" on here it makes me wonder sometimes. I feel like there is a reason for everything, but supposedly everything originated from God. Then why are there imperfections? If someone (God) is perfect how can they create imperfections? Even if someone was to say "Well, Satan is behind all human suffering" then I ask why God created a being that would be capable of inflicting suffing that generally attacks people who are good at heart. We are the good people. Being sick changes you in a few ways but most people who are sick are "The good ones"...Maybe God just likes to pluck the wings off the butterflys.