"You Can't Have That or You'd Be Dead By Now!"

For a little bit of fun (I figured we could use it) I thought I'd start a collection of ridiculous comments from doctors that we've all received as we tried to get a diagnosis. I'll kick off the list with a couple of my favorites...

"You can't have that or you'd be dead by now."

"You ask too many questions -- I have other patients."

Psychiatrist's note in file: "Likes to collect diagnoses."

"I thought you had that, but I didn't order the test to prove it because you're on medications that would interfere with the test."

"You can expect your health decline as you get older." (I was 30.)

"I'm sure if we locked you in a closet you'd stop eating and lose weight."

"I'm not familiar with how the test is done -- I just know you have to have it."

From a pain management specialist: "You're telling me that you have pain all over your body. What do you expect me to do for that?!"

"Perhaps it's time to consider that you don't have any more options."

I went to a neurologist because a brain tumor was suspected. He refused to give me an MRI or any kind of test, and wrote in his note to my doctor "There's nothing neurologically I can do for her."

"You can't just go from doctor to doctor and expect them to help you... I'm going to refer you to..."

"The only thing that's going to cure you is gastric bypass surgery." (I had Cushing's Disease -- it the surgery didn't kill me I would have still continued to gain weight uncontrollably.)

I said to the doctor "I told the nurses I had recent surgery." and he replied "It doesn't matter what you told the nurses who admitted you -- they don't know what they're doing."

"I don't know why I had you come in -- looking at your lab reports there's really nothing I can do for you." (The bill for the visit was $185.)

And my all time favorite -- "You'll have to ask a (insert name of another specialist) about that."

I'm looking forward to reading your additions to the list!

Ellen

By jeanie379
Posted September 1, 2007 at 9:45 am

This one was my all time favorite....it was by the first neuro we saw for me and of course after this comment we NEVER went back. I asked my husband to go with me as I felt this dr was not only wacky but was definately not asking appropiate questions.....
He looked at my husband and said very seriously, "Isn't it great that your wife isn't crazy? There really is something wrong with her. Aren't you pleased?"
I have since found out that this neuro....very respected supposedly...has actually chased women out into the waiting room telling them it was all in their heads and they definately needed psychiatric help if he couldn't find anything wrong with them. I was a referrel and happened to end up with the senior partner who I believe is senile....definately shouldn't be practicing anymore....his name is julian adams by the way.
Jeanie

By SickOfBeingSick
Posted September 2, 2007 at 1:04 am

1. You're menopausal (at age 39).
2. Just suck on some candy for your sore throats (this was told to me by a physician after I almost died from an infection in my throat where pieces of flesh were shredding off my throat, I weighed 75 pounds because I couldn't eat solid food, and I was having serious trouble breathing).
3. I could do a bunch of tests, but they wouldn't show anything (said during my initial visit with an infectious disease doctor who hadn't examined me, done a single lab test on me or asked me any health questions).
4. If you would just think happy thoughts your immune system would work better.
5. "You just need to rest more". Then a week later, "You just need to exercise more".
6. I'm sick because my house has black mold (that's why I'm still just as sick when I'm away from home for a month, and why I've been sick while living in every house I've lived in my entire life. Guess they all have disease-causing black mold).
7. I'm not running fevers, I just have a "normal" body temperature of 100 to 101 degrees.
8. I didn't really have meningitis the two times I was hospitalized for meningitis and put on IV antibiotics, I just had a stiff neck from my psychotropic medications.
9. The convulsions I had when sick with meningitis weren't convulsions or seizures because I don't have epilepsy.
10. "You can't possibly have meningitis because you don't fit the "profile" of someone who gets meningitis", said the doctor I saw at a walk-in clinic the day before I was hospitalized for meningitis for the first time.
11. "Here, just sit and wait in this wheelchair". Told to me repeatedly by a nurse after concerned patients told her I was lying on the emergency waiting room floor and I told her I couldn't sit up. She replied "Well, I don't have a bed open so you'll just have to wait". What would she have done if I had come in an ambulance? Told the EMT's they had to wait for a bed to open up?
12. We'll send you to physical therapy (for back pain that turned out to be chronic kidney infections and nephritis).
13. My last one wasn't said, it was done. I was in the hospital and the nurse spent about 10 minutes retaking my blood pressure over and over again with my arm in all kinds of different positions so that she could get a reading over 100 and wouldn't have to page the doctor because the first reading was 88.

By scoobybadger
Posted September 2, 2007 at 8:32 am

Loved the list, have heard several of the comments myself, but there is another one I got which was, " as we don't actually know much about this disease, how do you feel about being our guinea pig"? Also, don't you love being different from everyone else?
It really is hard to believe a doctor would be so insensitive, and its even harder to trust them after coming out with such questions and statements.

By 2plus1not3
Posted September 2, 2007 at 8:39 am

1. While trying to get an appointment with a urologist the nurse told me "He can't see you, you don't need a urologist only men need urologists." [Women do pee don't they?]

2. "You really should consider taking less meds. Now, let me give you a prescription for the pain?'

3. "You don't look sick, are you sure you are?" Diagnosis 2 kidney stones and need a new doctor

4. Told to me by a patient in the ER where I was waiting to have my hand stitched up - "I'm already sick to my stomach can you please stop bleeding all over the floor? It is rather rude."

5. "So what time exactly did you finally fall asleep after taking the Ambien?" [Think about this one].

6. "I still don't know what's causing your pain but I think we can consider this case closed."

7. "You can't have a UPJ and a retrocaval ureter.....looking at my films two minutes later.....you have a UPJ and a retrocaval ureter?"

8. "That's impossible - do you know how rare that is?" (So is it rare or impossible?)

9. "You can't have a benign lymphoma." (so I tell him the name of the lymphoma and he looks it up. "A disease categorized by non-cancerous benign lymphomas......" "There must be a mis-print here."

By Wintersweet
Posted September 2, 2007 at 3:43 pm

Here's a couple:

1. Secretary at a neurosurgeon's office chatting to a friend over the phone while I wait says: "Yeah..I work for a bunch of doctors who do lobotomies and stuff like that..[hee hee ha ha]" and when she sees me, "Are you 'Meningioma' or 'Weird-Thing-in-the Brain'"

2. Doctor rushes into consult late, does not know me, complains of too many papers from my medical record, and then offers me a quickie dx of "simple reflux" & prescription for my sx: burning pain swallowing, breathing & present in stomach, spine, back, pelvis, & skin of arms, not to mention other areas. Reflux may be true, but does not explain all symptoms and this dr chooses to dismiss what doesn't fit with "she embellishes somewhat" on report to my doctor.

The latter sort of behavior is an abuse of power and incredibly arrogant. It communicates to fellow drs that we are not to be taken seriously as we are not trustworthy reporters. This is an easy way out when a problem doesn't fit an existing prototype. Not only is this sort of flip judgement disrespectful of human dignity, but it puts one at risk for delay of proper diagnosis and treatment.
Of course I am making an issue of this, and it looks like there are numerous examples of similar abuses. Thanks for starting this important discussion.

By Valerie4
Posted September 2, 2007 at 9:29 pm

after six years of going from doc to doc I heard "your my mystery case"

My speech was slurring and we could'nt figure out the cause so I was told "just to tell people you had a stroke ,I'm not sure what it is"

"We know you must have a rare disease, but if it is a new one will name after you!Oh goodie just what I wanted.

And this I have heard so many times I cannot count "you sure have had alot of test, they still don't have any idea? Like I'm hidding something. or " will try this med, not sure what it will do for you."

By 2plus1not3
Posted September 3, 2007 at 9:03 am

I actually checked my records and one of the doctors diagnosed me as having unique anatomy. I am the unique kidney.

Other diagnosis for this:

My insides are all "squished" (his word exactly)

I had one doctor diagnosis me as the doctor shopper - I am not shopping I am looking for someone who wants to take over and CURE me.

I have 2 uteri and when I tell doctors this they are like no you have a septate and I am like no I have 2 - they went to correct the septate and noticed they are 2 independent uteri. After this one doc labeled me as "spare parts".

I have been called "cool"

It is great that we can have foums like this becuase now we laugh at these at the times we hold ourselves back so we don't strangle them.

By Jimswife
Posted March 30, 2008 at 12:15 am

I say let's strangle them anyway!

Here are some of my favorites:

"Do you smoke? Well, it's because you smoke." (Doesn't matter what's wrong with you, it's because you smoke)

"Being overweight causes that." (I'm 5'5" and weigh 135 lbs. - am I overweight???)

"An MRI only takes 15 minutes, can't you stop the muscle tremors just long enough for us to do the MRI?" (Gee, we thought my husband was having an MRI to find out why he couldn't STOP having tremors!)

But this has to be my favorite: "You just need to do as you're told and stop asking questions," (said the secretary who no longer works there!

I love this list! A laugh is what we all need.

By saoirse
Posted April 1, 2008 at 5:30 am

Professor of Endocrinology, to my daughter who needs to use a wheelchair occasionally, after he had just told her (at age 12 and already of short stature) that she will not grow anymore due to premature puberty and was surprised to see her start to cry:

"As long as you can reach the lift buttons from your wheelchair, thats all you need to worry about".

My other daughter is now a doctor, and when she is dealing with her patients, she still remembers this incident and how angry it made all of us.

By j0diebird
Posted April 9, 2008 at 4:20 am

From my Primary Care Doctor...
"That's why it is called the PRACTICE OF MEDICINE',
if this prescrption does not work, we can order some tests and maybe add another prescription. I guess each try is PRACTICE, and the odds are eventually something will work...or you are referred to a different Specialist. Love this list!

By caringcounterparts
Posted April 10, 2008 at 1:19 pm

I've got another classic for the list!

"What makes you think you're so special that you don't have to live with the same pain other people with your condition live with?"

By Fibro_Angel
Posted April 17, 2008 at 8:12 pm

Loved the list plus everyone else's contributions. I have a few of my own!

1. I am sooo sorry you are in so much pain but I won't prescribe any pain medication. If you are in that much pain, you will need to go back to your primary for stronger meds.

2. Are you sure your neck is swollen from your Chronic Mono or have you recently taken up power-lifting?

3. and most recently, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your wrist...I give up...I suggest you see a different doctor...(this same doctor did not xray my wrist after i fell on it on my tile kitchen floor to further cause me pain...in my chart it clearly states i have osteoporosis...)
------> four and a half weeks ago, after being treated by a new doctor, I finally had arthroscopic wrist surgery, after suffering for four months...he found a non-cancerous lesion on one of the cartilage, a partially torn cartilage and a partially torn ligament...

By skittles
Posted April 27, 2008 at 11:36 pm

I have a few to add to this wonderful list.
" THAT'S REDICULIOUS, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE A MAMOGRAM BECAUSE YOU ARE 35 AND TOO YOUNG FOR BREAST CANCER. BESIDES, PEOPLE WHO HAVE BREAST CANCER DO NOT HAVE PAIN LIKE THAT. WHY WOULD YOU WANT BREAST CANCER.
AFTER THE MAMOGRAM, HE CALLED.
YOU HAVE LOBULAR CARCINOMA AND NEED TO HAVE BOTH BREAST REMOVED. HE... WAS... MY FRIEND.
MY NEUROLOGIST..THAT IS SO RARE, THERE IS NO WAY YOU COULD HAVE THAT.
MY GYNO..I AM NOT GOING TO XRAY YOU FOR TWINS (THERE WAS CLEARLY TWO LARGE BUMPS) BECAUSE I CAN ONLY HEAR ONE HEART BEAT.
I WOULD NOT LEAVE THE OFFICE BECAUSE I WAS IN LABOR AT 8 MONTHS.
HE TOOK AN XRAY...YOU ARE PREGNANT WITH TWINS, BUT THEY ARE BREACH. YOU WILL HAVE TO HAVE THEM NATURAL BECAUSE I DO NOT DO CAESAREAN.
IF YOU WERE A BETTER MOTHER, YOUR 5 YEAR DAUGHTER WOULD NOT BE SICK. CHILDREN HER AGE DO NOT HAVE ULCERS. (I TOOK HER TO CALIFORNIA TO A BETTER DOCTOR AND HE
DID AN ENDOSCOPY AND FOUND NUMEROUS ULCERS WITH WHICH SHE WAS BORN.
FROM GYNO...WOMEN DON'T HAVE COMPLETE PROLASPE. .... HAD SURGERY FOR JUST THAT ABOUT 6 MONTHS LATER
THESE WERE NOT FUNNY AT THE TIME, BUT NOW THEY ARE THE REASON FOR MY BOLDNESS WITH DOCS. NOW I CAN LAUGH ABOUT IT AND IT HAS TAUGHT ME THERE IS A SILVER LINING IN ALL THE CLOUDS. AND WE GET BETTER WHEN WE CAN LAUGH AT THESE THINGS. THANKS FOR THE SIGHT. IT MAKES MY UPBEAT AND KEEPS ME SMILING. (:

By cronicX4
Posted April 28, 2008 at 11:00 am

My list could be long, but I'll keep it short to my favorite:
Hematologist on 4th visit, "oh I never tested for lupus, I misunderstood and tested for something else. But we will do it today, okay?"

Neurologist on admission to hospital with right side almost unusable and slurred speech diagnosised me with stress when he found out I had recently lost my Christian mother. After several days in the hospital, and 3 months of physical, occupational and speech therapist coming to my house, I got almost back to normal. Except for the migraines. Then I had another episode and switched doctors. It was two years later another neurologist found out it is narcolepsy with cataplsy. He actually ran test!

Pain Clinic doctor, after being pushed to go by 4 specialist, in front of my then 4 yr. old, "If I cut off your head with a sword will you feel pain in your foot. " Then turns to my husband and says, "All she needs is to let me control her brain with the right drugs and she will feel no pain. Your wife does not want help." No his wife was already 1/2 way out the door!

By mary0305
Posted April 28, 2008 at 3:41 pm

Before my son was diagnosed with silent aspiration he had a weird cough that hte doctors couldn't figure out-it was the food sitting on his vocal cords. The pediatrician decided to do a chest x-ray to see if there was anything going on-he wasn't acting sick or running a fever. When he got the x-ray back he said "Mom, isn't this cool, your son has pneumonia."
Needless to say that was the last time he saw that doctor.

By ajonesy
Posted April 28, 2008 at 9:30 pm

My last visit to my GI doctor- "Have we met before?"
(I have had several appointments with him over the last two years- he also has done two endoscopies and one colonoscopy during the last two years)
Then he proceded to say you had to have had gastroparesis before you Nissen because it is too rare to have vagal nerve damage during surgery. (The last appointment he said my stomach looked great with no problems)

By Chef-Rin
Posted April 30, 2008 at 10:30 pm

I went to my hematologist and he states when he walks in the room' "Gee, I know I havent told you this before, however did you know that you are a diaster on paper?" I just looked at him, thanks as if I already dont feel bad.

or

I was asking for a note to sit on a stool during my class in culinary school, because standing for 5 hours straight would give me muscle spasms, the doctor says' "Well just maybe you need to buck up and stand it out, if you want this business you need to stop asking for favors from doctors to get you by." I thought that is what doctors were for, especially the visit before, she said, if you need anything dont hesitate to ask. WOW. This list is hilarious, and its good to know that I am not the only one out here.

By jennFL
Posted April 30, 2008 at 11:11 pm

1. At my 2nd neurologists apt, after losing strength in arms and legs, he says, "Well, there's nothing else I know what to do for you, but I don't have your lab results back. You better just go up north. Oh, wait (as I'm in the lobby hobbling out)-here's your results! You have SPS, a very rare progressively debilitating neuromuscular disorder. Wow, this was a really good catch! Do you realize that no other neuro in town would have dx that? Sometimes I really impress myself!" (So much for my life, but kudos to you!)
2. Went into hosp with respiratory spasms, ER doc wanted to wait for floor doc to give meds so I could breathe (not familiar with my condition); floor doc wanted to wait for on-call neurologist before giving me meds so I could breathe (not familiar w/my condition); Neuro decided to "observe" my difficulty breathing since, you guessed it, she wasn't familiar w/ my condition. Can anyone say "Google?"
3. After my son was born he wasn't eating properly, and was finally dx with an ear infection and put on antibiotics before being sent home from hosp. When antibiotics ran out, he started screaming and I took him to the ER. The Peds ER doc refused to check in his ears "Newborns don't get ear infections". I insisted, he rolled his eyes, looked in my son's ears, and asked, "Where did you want that script called in?" Apparently pseudo-ear infections can be cured with antibiotics, too.
4. My personal favorite-After being admitted to the hospital the hospitalist assigned to me came in, wearing a coat that said "nephrology." When he left I asked the nurse "Is he an internist or a nephrologist?" She answered "He's a nephrologist, but he's starting to dabble in internal medicine." Yeah, I felt much better getting that cleared up...

By distressed
Posted May 3, 2008 at 8:38 pm

2nd Neurosurgical practice, after seeing all 8 in the prior. "What did your last NS tell you?" My reply that due to the many problems with my back he was afraid that if he operated on me he would make me worse. This one replies "I am complete agreement, you have so much wrong with your back that I'm afraid if I operate on you, I'll make them worse." When ask about the severe neurological deficits I have from the back and severe chronic pain -- You need to buck up, get off the drugs and become a productive part of society. I will no longer need to see you. Duh, 9 Neurosurgeons recognize how many things that are wrong with my back and are afraid they would make it worse if they operated so I should "buck up, get off the drugs, and become a productive member of society" I politely ask if I had Tarlov cysts? He glared and said "yes" but they mean nothing -- I already told you what to do. I'm going for surgery soon for Gigantic numerous tarlov cysts, 2 herniated discs, spinal stenosis, facet joint hypertrophy, and a bone spur that is completely compressing my Left L5 foramina. The rest agreed I had "problems" but "wouldn't consider doing anything about them, but I need to get off pain meds because there isn't anything wrong with me. Thank God for NORD, Tarlov Talk, and Dr. Frank E. Feigenbaum, who has help many of us tarlovians and those with severe back problems.

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