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Since I have been feeling not so well or worse, everyone who sees me doesn't forget to tell me, "Well You look good". I am being told that so often I think I went from a 7 or 8 to a 10.
Just a smile for today. How about you?
Love and Light,
Tamyra
i get that to, funny, when i look in the mirror, i see giant blue bags under my eyes, very pale, hair falling out -- i usually don't wear make-up or do my hair unless we're going out to something. But it never fails that i'll see someone I know and they know i'm forever ill and they'll say 'oh you look so good, how are you feeling' -- i always tell them they are 'just being kind'. geez, do you think i don't know i look like death warmed over!!
I can relate dizzybee. I really resent those type of comments. In my opinion I feel that it's safe to say nothing unless asked. Such "compliments" are considered inappropriate. It makes me wonder, what are they realy saying to me, and why are they going around making assessments of others. Oh my, would I be in trouble if I spoke on everything that I observe. I think that they may think its a compliment. My motto is "Keep it moving". Otherwise I just might give them a "compliment".
Just tired of the foolishness and feel that some should be taught that it okay to just say nothing.
LOL :) Ditto with the bags under the eyes, pale, hair falling out and no makeup, dizzybee!
Tamrya, I sometimes think this is something friends and acquaintances say to cheer themselves up about me being sick!
I especially get this comment if I'm losing weight. I really don't approve of the "diarrhea and vomiting" weight loss plan but it sure did get me lots of compliments back in January and February!!
Cathy
I thought this would be fun to post. I truly do feel bad for the people that know about me, they want to talk but they can't help us. I was trying to think of something fun as a come back. Maybe to help them feel at ease, I haven't been good at that so far. I just find myself updating them on how crappy I feel or what else the doctors have found wrong. I'm not sure what I want them to say? I know I wouldn't feel any better if they said I looked really bad. Maybe this is just another thing we have to live with, that's why they call it a dis-ease.
Keep on going,
Tamyra
Tamrya,
You hit the nail on the head. If I just go on and on about my medical problems and how crappy I feel, it just makes me and my friends feel bad.
If I gloss over how bad I feel, and my friend is in denial about how bad my health really is, that doesn't feel good, either.
There has to be some kind of compromise where both of us can acknowledge that I hurt and I feel crappy, without being either dragged down by it or engaging in total denial. I don't know how to steer a conversation this way.
I have thought a lot about this issue, and I don't know what the solution is. Humor is a good tool but I'm not great at snappy comebacks.
Hmm. . . maybe it would work to just say to my friend that I **don't ** know what to say, and acknowledge that they probably **don't** know what to say, either. That might be a good place to start.
Anisah-Flower, I like what you said about being "tired of the foolishness and [feeling] that some should be taught that it okay to just say nothing." I second that and I need to remember this myself. One doesn't always have to have a response for everything.
Cathy
Very good subject! I often get REALLY tired of the compliments.... sometimes it really does bother me when I am feeling so crappy!! I think it really might be a nervous complimenting tick disorder on their part. Depending on who says it and how it is said or what follows I have said "I can't take the credit, it's all Lancome" or "Well you should see my bone marrow, it's a mess!!" or the ever popular one that makes people feel great is " Thanks, you should have seen me an hour ago, I was green and barfing my guts up!!"
I thought I was the only one who got uncomfortable with compliments when I feel so gross!!
I went 6 months without a much needed bone marrow biopsy because the moron Hematologist told me I "looked too good" to be sick!! I could have died!!
I especially like it when he felt up my abs for far too long and complimented my ex- husband on them... like he had anything to do with them!!
I have noticed that I don't speak much about it now, people are much more comfortable with that, I just say I'm feeling great and everyone is happy!! Do they really want to hear the truth anyway? Or the ever popular... "Oh didn't you hear, I'm cured!" That stumps them!! LOL
After writing this I just occurred to me that a nervous compliment is far better than a nervous insult....
I shouldn't complain so much!! LOL
Oh and I learned a long time ago NEVER wear make up to the doctor's or to the ER... you don't get the same treatment!! I have the bad habit when I feel like total crap to load on the make up to make myself feel better... bad idea!! It's counter productive!!
Here's wishing everyone a pain-free, symptom free day!
Leslie
Leslie,
You are so right, I try to keep all the bad spots covered. I am really good with make up. I saw a dermatologist, she gave me a script to help with the scares (I thought it was something new for discoid lupus), insurance wouldn't cover it. I called and told her $200 dollars was to much for something that may not work, she said, ' well I guess you have to live with the scares'??? I asked, " what about the lupus"??? She said, "well I didn't see any active disease when you were in here". OMG I have at least 200 open wounds and no immune system...
Absolutely Tamrya, Cathy and All.
I thought I was the only one that had to contend with such "compliments" or comments. I'm glad this was brought up. I've struggle with this very issue for years now. I know it's wrong, but I began to give little "compliment" back. A good friend of mine caught me and taught me that my rebuttal's was much to harsh and may be considered mean spirited. The friend tried to teach me more appropriate responses, but I'm no good at it. I just as I said "Keep It Moving", but I'm scarred inside. I'm no good with the games.
Anisah-Flower
Oh boy is this familiar. Not for me so much, but for my husband who struggled with cancer for 16 years. It was the thing that really set him off. It really minimizes the pain and suffering that people with disease are experiencing. Really, if people don't know what to say, say something like "I'm sorry you have to go through this" or "I'm here for you" would be so much better than "Gee, you look good" It is almost an insult to the experiences you are living. I now have scleroderma and feel bad most of the time, but it has not affected my "looks" yet. So, consequently I get "you look good, you must feel good". Yeah RIGHT..
Much love and prayers to all of you.
Hmm. . .
It seems from what people have written, that the basic issue is that this comment is dismissive and is another denial of what we go through each day and of our basic, daily reality.
It is crazy-making when everyone; friends, acquaintances, family, the medical establishment; denies your basic reality. YOU KNOW what you go through each day. I KNOW the pain and suffering that I experience. To have that reality constantly denied, is very crazy-making.
So, back to Tamyra's original question. How to deal with this well-meaning, but clueless insensitivity in a humorous, effective, way? Since Halloween is coming up, I would think that opens up a treasure trove of possibilities.
Clueless Person: "You look great!"
Me: "Yeah, I'm rehearsing for the part of the lead zombie at the local haunted house for Halloween".
Clueless Person: "Well, you ARE looking good."
Me: "Do you think my face is green enough to pass as a witch for Halloween?"
Clueless Person: "You've lost so much weight, it must be a relief!"
Me: "My bones are showing almost enough to pass as a skeleton this Halloween. I'm just having trouble shedding those last few pounds."
Anybody else?
Cathy
For some, telling you, "You look good," may be dissmissive or a form of denial, whether because of ignorance or their personal pain of acknowledgement - maybe just discomfort of knowing what to say?
For me, it beats the alternative, "You look like hell!" ;) Unfortunately, visibly looking bad is synonomous with illness for most. Many debilitating disabilities and chronic illnesses are "invisible."
I found this non-profit several years ago and love their merchandise logos. The group, "The Invisible Disability Advocate."
Check out their merchancise to say what you feel with a humorous awareness. They also have information to help loved ones/others understand the inside emotions of an outwardly invisible, serious health issue of a diagnosed individual.
http://www.cafepress.com/idastuff/
This has been a interesting discussion. I have caught myself saying that very same thing. I knew that when I posted. Reading other peoples posts helps me understand my own feelings. I had a follow up appointment with gasto yesterday. He walked in and said, " well you look really good." I have also had a doctor tell me, "well I don't think your dying, Ive seen people who are dying." I know when I have said,"well you look good". In my mind it make me feel like I have acknowledged a,d know they had or are struggling with something, without reminding them of all the things that are wrong with them, It wouldn't much fun (or it could be fun) meeting a friend in market and they say, "well how is the diarrhea and vomiting going today?" LOL "I know the depends are on the other side of the store, could I go get you a case?' My answer to the doctor yesterday was,"Don't let that fool you, I am just really good with make-up"
Love and Light,
Tamyra
I think most of us have done this, I did...only once. You run into a female acquaintance, with a glance make an assumption, open mouth & insert foot, "When are you due?" Now I wait for an announcement or see a baby. ;)
Lack of words, another situation we can all relate, is when somebody dies and you try to think of something appropriate to say to loved ones. Worse when the death was unexpected or suspicious.
Tamyra, you are lookin' great today! ;)
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