A "wake up" call to my soul

I really appreciate everyone's comments, suggestions and inspiration. This is a great web site.

I am severely depressed. My Psychologist (have been with him since 1994) was informed of my suicidal thoughts during my appointment (wife was with me / I'm not hiding my thoughts from her or my doctors) and of course he "upped" my medicine (Paxil) to the point where I am currently taking 60 mg daily. I am like a zombie from the pain and all the medications. ( my medicines : Paxil, Methylphenadate, Tricor, Crestor, Niaspan, Zanaflex, Soma, HP Vicodin, 30 mg Oxycontin, Lyrica, Benicar HCT, Norvasc and Clonapam) .. I have an Internal Med Doctor, Psychologist, Pain Management Doctor, Neurologist and a Neurosurgeon. Along with CRPS they have now decided to perform additional tests to confirm their collective diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. This team of doctors monitor all these medicines and communicate with one another on a monthly basis. They collectively agree that the medications are necessary and that they have nothing to do with causing any of my symptoms (or side effects). The only problem I have with all the doctors and medications is that they have little benefit. If their goal is to turn me into a "zombie" and make me poorer than their goals have been achieved. A couple of your replies mentioned "in patient" pain management control. I am reluctant to this process for apparent reasons. Seems that I am taking too many meds and have had 4 spinal surgeries and more types of spinal injections / procedures than I can remember with no success. Thus my thoughts of suicide. Please don't judge me for thinking this way. I certainly would never harm myself but my options are limited. The doctors are specialists and the Neurologist and Neurosurgeon are Ivy League educated. Many of my prior tests have confirmed nerve scarring which indicates MS nerve damage. I am to the point where I have been isolating myself and withdrawing from daily life activities. Nightmares are getting worse (they tell me that pain causes them).
I have learned to love disabled people. I no longer judge others with disabilities. If I could only learn to love myself. I am trying to stop worrying how others judge me. The human condition is strange at best. Why the hell should I worry what others' think of me. My wife has helped me a great deal with this and my embarassment is slowly fading.
I have done a lot towards "growing up" since my last surgery (June '09) , now 52 years old and faced with all these issues. My soul remains strong and my goal is to heal & deal with my body, my mind and my soul.
If anyone wants to privately share their disabilities, soul and life struggles with me, I would be proud to hear from each of you. By the way, before I go, my doctor suggested some music therapy to ease my pain and it is helping. Give it a try. It just might INSPIRE you. I do have a great deal to be thankful for, especially my wife of 28 years and my daughter and son. Let the people in your life know how much you love them.

My thoughts and prayers are with each and eveyone of you.

Courage is a special kind of knowledge; the knowledge of how to fear what ought to be feared, and how not to fear what ought not to be feared. From this knowledge comes an inner strength that subconsciously INSPIRES us to push on in the face of great difficulty. What can seem impossible is often possible with courage and inspiration.