I have a blog, and for the most part, I like to post my feelings, etc there, but my significant other has access to all of my posts, and that makes it hard for me because I don't want him to know everything that I experience or everything that concerns me.
Why? Why would I want to keep things from him?
For me, I guess it's fear. If he knows everything that I go through, he might not let me do things that I have the freedom to do now, like drive.
He has a tendency to manipulate me because of my brain injury anyway. It's come to a point where I don't know if what he's saying is true or not. I think he's using me, but I don't know with 100% certainty.
So what things am I keeping from him?
I've had episodes of hallucinations. As far as I know, it's only happened two or three times. A point where I see someone riding a bike down the street when I'm driving, but when I turn to look away and then back, there isn't anyone there. Or I think I see someone or something on the side of the road, but then I look back over, and there isn't anything.
God, I would love to post that to my blog. My blog is there to help other people suffering from brain injury, and if I can't leave that information there, then I feel like I'm letting someone down. I have to become more clever, figure out a way to get this information in it, so that people who read my blog can find it but the posts that my significant other receives doesn't.
It hurts my head to think about it.
So the hallucination bit, well, that's stuff that's been going on for a while.
The scary thing that is happening now is for the first time ever today, I lost control of my right arm.
I have jerks, spasms, twitches, cramps, tremors, etc that happen continuously, but this loss of control thing has never happened to me for this extent of time and while trying to do something.
My arm was supported. I was trying to use the computer, and suddenly my entire arm was moving, shaking.
It wasn't like a flailing motion.
From the shoulder down, my arm was making kind of a swinging motion, from side to side, almost like a wide tremor motion from the shoulder.
I might be able to play the whole thing off, shrug it off, but this entire week has been off for me. I've had horrible insomnia (getting only about 4 hours of sleep a night, issues with speaking, trying to think things through), blood pressure and heart rate fluctuation, arrhythmia, tachycardia. Basically, everything has had a mind of its own. Then, the other night everything, started going haywire at once. My blood pressure was fluctuating, my heart was racing, when I tried to go to bed, I had just started to fall asleep when I got prickly feeling throughout my body, I stood up and almost passed out, made it to the bathroom, and literally had to lay over the toilet to vomit.
I went and took my BP which had dropped to 90/60 (it had been high earlier, with tachycardia, etc.) It recovered after about 5 to 10 minutes, but this was the first time in my life that I felt like I was going to truly pass out or die. I broke out into a cold sweat that lasted during the entire period.
That was earlier this week, and now with the new loss of control of movement in my entire arm, I am scared.
I am really scared.
I thought my symptoms could have been explained by a combination of medications that I've been on. But, I am beginning to think that the brain injury is getting worse.
Some doctors have requested that brain injuries be reclassified as brain disease because in a lot of cases, after the initial injury, sometimes in a few months or a few years or even as long as 40 to 50 years after the injury, new symptoms progress. They think it is caused by an autoimmune reaction, but as I always say, what people know and understand about the brain is on the plane of when people once believed the earth was flat.
I just wish I knew what was going to happen next.