The Journey of a 440lb Pregnant Lady - Oct 25 - Private Time

Well,

I spend a great deal last night deciding, if I truly wanted to be bluntly open with this area of my pregnant life, because it is indeed adult in nature. However, when I really thought about it. I decided that I would not share specifics about the private time that I had, but instead I would share a summary of the issues that were discussed, because I'm sure other pregnant people may experience this.

Yesterday, I spent time with my baby's Father. It was the first time that him and I had been face to face since Aug 28 which was the night I told him that we are expecting.

I at first was truly nervous about going over there...because we really hadn't said much at all if even 20 sentences to each other since the night I told him I was pregnant.

We talked, all serious talk, no jokes, no games, no drama, no holding back.

We discussed the fact that financially he was truly worried about if he is capable of providing for a child. See...in his eyes before our talk yesterday - us having this baby to him meant that life for him was pretty much over.

He thought it meant that he couldn't go back to college, He thought it meant that he couldn't do things that would take time or money to better stabalize himself. He thought that it meant from that moment on, his life was going to be absolutely nothing except work 8-12 hours & baby for the remaining hours.

Of course that is far from the truth.

However, it was during this discussion that I learned alot about his culture, his family. His culture and his family are very very different from my family. He has no true sense of family meaning, his family does not stick together, his family does not love, encourage, support, or reallly care about the other. Once you are of age, you are pretty much on your own.

He's dealt with a lot of people in his lifetime that have betrayed his trust, and have hurt him, and really people that in my eyes are moochers. They take you for what you have, and once they've drained you, they ditch you.

He doesn't truly know love...No one has ever really loved him...I gathered that as I listened to his confession about the way he's been treated, etc.

Despite my mothers overhaul in my pregnancy...My family is very loving, supportive, encouraging, close knit, and we take care of not only our own, but those who are brought into the tapestry of our own.

I believe soo much that my baby's Father would truly benefit from my family if he could just let his walls down enough to be around them and get to know them, you know.

On a serious note - I said to my baby's Father, WHO do you expect me to turn to when I need to be held and comforted?? And I promise you, I was dead serious about it.

For some reason - he thinks that I am like the other women he's dealt with. They sleep around with Tom, Dick, and Harry, the lie about everything, and they only want what they can get out of him.

I told him - I have not been with anyone since him and I began talking, and I wasn't going to be...it was very much my intention of being with him.

As far as now - I'm pregnant with his baby, so why would I allow anyone except him to be with me in that way??

I was dead serious, and yet, what really caught my attention was the way he studied me after I said that for a trace or hint to see if it was truth or a lie.

It hurt me in essence because...I'm not the other women he's dealt with. I don't want anything from him except for him to be there and to help me raise our baby, and respect from him, because I am the mother of his first child. I am the only woman he has ever gotten pregnant.

I said to him - are you telling me that you are not going to have anything to do with me during my pregnancy.

He said - sexually (in a quite surprised pitch I might add) NO! I have never had sex with a pregnant lady (I didn't interrupt to remind him that the night I told him we were expecting, we made love twice), I can't, that just isn't right. You might hurt the baby or something, I don't want the baby seeing that!!!!

Now - here is the thing. I never expected that particular response from him. I didn't know that men had a fear or anxiety about being sexually intimate with a pregnant women. For me it was quite the opposite, I had always heard that some men have a fetish or lust to be with a pregnant woman. So yes, I was indeed surprised at his confession.

Furthermore...I WAS BUMMED. I said to myself and I whispered to God - There is no way he is not giving me sex during the rest of this pregnancy. He's the only one who can.

So let's fast forward a bit. I've heard many people say, and I've read somewhere, that your orgasm during sex while your pregnant is better than it would normally be.

So let me just be bluntfully real here.

I have never made a secret about it, that sexually my baby's Father is the best that I have had so far in my life.

My thought about sex so far during pregnancy, was it great. Yes, but it always has been with him.

What made this particular time with my baby's Father so great was not the fact or cause that "we had sex while I'm pregnant" because it wasn't the first time that we had sex while I've been pregnant.

What made this time great with him wasn't the physical act or physical feeling of it.

It was great because of the unspoken love that was expressed in his eyes. That is what made it great sex during pregnancy (IMHO).

Now, back to what's truly important. Our baby. As I said we had a really long discussion, and he made it clear that he very much will be there for our baby, that he is going to provide for our baby to the best of his ability, that he's going to do his very best to be a "Stand up" Father to our baby.

I watched him as he looked at the ultrasound pictures, and my heart melted, when he pulled me close, kissed me and said "yes, that is my baby. It is a girl".

Sooo, hopefully things will indeed be well when it comes to him being involved and everything in our baby's life. Because, as one of my male cousins said "no man can ever truly take the place of your real Father".

If our baby is a boy, he will be just as happy - a bit more firm as you know, he'll be assisting me in raising a man...and culture/heritage will in some way have an impact.

If our baby is a girl, I will indeed be a bit more..concerned because...girls are really attached to their Fathers...and nothing is ever guarenteed. So...I don't want him to cause her her or dismay. I know what it's like to have a Father who isn't there. So, that is my real concern as far as our baby being a girl.

I will continue to pray nonetheless whether our baby be a boy or girl, that he will remain true, and be involved, active, and always there for our baby.

But - Secretly...after hearing and discussing all that we did yesterday...I pray that my baby's Father get's his wish. I hope our baby is a girl so that he too can receive the desire of his heart. A baby girl to raise, love, protect, and cherish for the rest of his days.

Last but not least as he kissed me good bye yesterday he said "I am going to get you pregnant again".

UMmmmmm....hold it. I don't quite see that being in the plans....you need to go to God on that one, cause right now, I object.

Overall - my point is this. Whether you are pregnant by your husband, your boyfriend, or someone you aren't with. It is soo vitally important once the waters have calmed a bit, to sit face to face, and seriously have an ALL OUT discussion about what you both are feeling and thinking, because it will truly truly give you both a better understanding, and it will be a place to start of the relationship that you all will have in regards to your baby.

Keep the Faith!