End of the First Year

My little Amanda Rae is now officially 11 months old, and will be the big ONE November 28. It's kind of bittersweet for me-I am so proud of her for getting to this point and how far she has come, but at the same time sad because I feel I have lost so much time..when she came home from the hospital I had used all of my leave up already from being at the hospital with her for 4 months. We got to spend 2 weeks together when she came home, then I had to go back to work. People tell me that the years just go faster and faster as kids get older-and I believe that, but that's what makes me so sad. In 4 years, she will be starting school and its all downhill from there. The other big issue I am facing is a strain on my relationship with my fiancee. Having a baby is not easy, having a preemie baby is even tougher. We survived being seperated 6 days a week-driving in opposite directions, and only getting to spend one full day together on top of spending most of everyday in the NICU with our daughter. The stresses of me having to play working mom combined with trying to care for Amanda when I am able to be home are starting to take their toll. My fiancee has had to be Mr. Mom since he got laid off a few months ago, and his frustrations are starting to show. Before Amanda was born, we were planning a wedding. Now, he says he doesn't want to get married to me-that he doesn't feel "connected" to me anymore. I was also accused of not spending enough time with my daughter-and not having a good enough mother instinct. He pretty much gave me a list of everything he didn't like about me. I asked him how long he had been feeling this way, and his answer was a year-which would have been about the time Amanda was born. Did anyone else go through this? Did you feel used and hung up to dry? I love my fiancee with all my heart and to hear him say these cruel things is just too much. He ripped my heart out with saying he didn't want to marry me-and absolutely stomped on it when he said I was a bad mom.